The only thing stopping me is hurting my best friend

[fell]

I’ve been suicidal on and off for my whole life and very suicidal recently the past several weeks. I’ve been open with my best friend and he’s been trying to get me care without me being hospitalized or institutionalized, but we really can’t find any solutions. Even treatment centers say you can’t be suicidal to go - just depressed. Otherwise, you go to an institution. The system is horrible

I told him, I really wish you didn’t care about me. I wish more than anything that you would just come to peace with my loss so I can go do it and not feel guilty for leaving you. He’s very distraught. But I truly feel that way. His grief is the only reason I’m still here, because I don’t want him to suffer. But I’m suffering so much. I know he doesn’t want me gone.

Everyone tells me I have so much light in me and being so much light and help to people, and I used to see it, but I don’t see it in myself anymore. I don’t see a future for myself or have any hope. I just want it to be over. It sucks to hurt people on the way out.

I don’t know, I used to believe it about myself before. I used to see it in me. I just don’t anymore. My friends keep saying it’s chemical, but I don’t think it’s fixable. I know my loss would leave a devastating hole in peoples lives, but I just want to be gone. They keep saying it will get better and to hold on so we can find help and resources, but I truly don’t have hope - and everyone keeps saying that’s just the depression talking.

I don’t want encouragement to CTB here, I feel that enough already inside. I’m just wondering how people manage these feelings? Do you feel them too re; people telling you you have good in you, but you can’t see it? Or not wanting to hurt the people you love? How do you manage the pain? What gives you hope? What have you tried? Is it scary if I end up being institutionalized?

Thank you 💗

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I get the feeling of "having" to stick around so that others don't have to deal with the loss. It adds an extra layer of confusion to the whole thing.

Everyone tells me I have so much light in me and being so much light and help to people, and I used to see it, but I don’t see it in myself anymore. I don’t see a future for myself or have any hope. I just want it to be over. It sucks to hurt people on the way out.

I don’t know, I used to believe it about myself before. I used to see it in me. I just don’t anymore.

I don't know about that. From this message alone, I get the impression of someone who cares deeply for others and wants to be a positive influence in their lives. Even in the middle of your pain, you are thinking about others.

My friends keep saying it’s chemical, but I don’t think it’s fixable. I know my loss would leave a devastating hole in peoples lives, but I just want to be gone. They keep saying it will get better and to hold on so we can find help and resources, but I truly don’t have hope - and everyone keeps saying that’s just the depression talking.

This is the tricky bit, especially because I don't know your particular situation, but I can tell you from experience that the feeling of hopelessness, and the belief that things just can't improve, is pretty normal when we're going through the darkest periods. It's difficult to see beyond the fog because it's all around you, but things can improve. Having friends who are willing to support you is definitely a plus in this situation. But it's a decision that only you can make, and that shouldn't be made for the benefit of others. Your well-being matters. You matter. Even if things are murky as anything right now, you have the option of giving yourself a chance, with the help of the people around you.

Giving yourself a chance is a process. In my experience, it has helped to focus on the present, managing my thoughts, and then slowly building towards small, achievable goals and milestones. Giving yourself little victories here and there can go a long way towards improving your outlook and clearing your mind a bit. These "little victories" can be anything that you struggle with—"I will make my bed today, shower, and eat a proper meal" is a good goal for someone who struggles to even get out of bed most days.

 

[fell]

Thank you @TransilvanianHunger 🥹 this really helps and means so much to me 💗

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Thank you @TransilvanianHunger 🥹 this really helps and means so much to me 💗

Your situation resonated with me, so I'm glad I could offer something helpful. I wish you the best!

 

[d3c96524be95]

I’m just wondering how people manage these feelings? Do you feel them too re; people telling you you have good in you, but you can’t see it? Or not wanting to hurt the people you love? How do you manage the pain? What gives you hope? What have you tried? Is it scary if I end up being institutionalized?

Feeling the same. I cannot see any good in me, although some seem to believe I'm a good person. I just feel empty and wounded. I'm holding because I don't want to hurt my parents (especially my mother), but also because I'm afraid of death. I'm in my early 30s, been in that state for half of my life now. The past 10 years were supposed to be the best in one's life, but here I am. Wasted. And I don't think that's fixable either. If it really was "chemical", then medications should have fixed it. Anyhow it's unclear if it actually is chemical, and I doubt it more and more.

I don't have many hopes. I hope I won't be coerced into an asylum again or institutionalized, I hope I will have more lows than very lows for the remaining of my life, I hope my survival instincts fades out with time. I tried so many things that it'd be worth an entire thread.

It seems however that your suicidal thoughts have increased over the past weeks. Have you identified reasons for that or is it just the way it is? You indicated in your profile that you have BPD, CPTSD and BD, have you found a therapist/doctor that you trust to help you with that? Sometimes medications can really help, especially with BD, but it depends on people. Don't blame yourself if it doesn't.

I wish you all the peace and strength you deserve. I bet you probably won't see it, but I do see a lot of good in you 😉. You're clearly overwhelmed with dark thoughts at the moment, but you are able to reason clearly, with great empathy and distance.

 

[cascadian318]

then don't do it , life always gets better .

 

[StringPuppet]

then don't do it , life always gets better .

 

[cascadian318]

some people find peace in living some people find peace in dying .

 

[StringPuppet]

some people find peace in living some people find peace in dying .

That doesn't really match what you said...you said life always gets better. You shouldn't tell people here things like that unless you can assure it.

 

[fell]

Feeling the same. I cannot see any good in me, although some seem to believe I'm a good person. I just feel empty and wounded. I'm holding because I don't want to hurt my parents (especially my mother), but also because I'm afraid of death. I'm in my early 30s, been in that state for half of my life now. The past 10 years were supposed to be the best in one's life, but here I am. Wasted. And I don't think that's fixable either. If it really was "chemical", then medications should have fixed it. Anyhow it's unclear if it actually is chemical, and I doubt it more and more.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply 🥹 I’m also in my early 30’s and I think that’s partially why it’s so hard - struggling with these feelings so long, it feels somewhat hopeless that it will continue.

I don't have many hopes. I hope I won't be coerced into an asylum again or institutionalized, I hope I will have more lows than very lows for the remaining of my life, I hope my survival instincts fades out with time. I tried so many things that it'd be worth an entire thread.

These are also my hopes right now - I have tried so much (EMDR, therapy, CBT, DBT, holistic routes, even went to a trauma and dissociation based PHP) - and they definitely HAVE helped, but the feeling always creeps back, and that’s part of what feels so hopeless. When you’ve tried so much, and it helps for a while (a couple months, maybe even a year!) only to end up back where you were, and feeling worse because it’s “clearly not working”.

My therapist has said “when you’re feeling good, you say “wow I’ve come so far and have so many tools” but when you’re feeling low you say “I’ve tried everything and there’s no hope” - so the lens of emotion is clouding it”. That makes a lot of sense, and why yeah, a medication to support would probably help lift the cloud so I can actually access the tools again and have some hope 💗

It seems however that your suicidal thoughts have increased over the past weeks. Have you identified reasons for that or is it just the way it is? You indicated in your profile that you have BPD, CPTSD and BD, have you found a therapist/doctor that you trust to help you with that? Sometimes medications can really help, especially with BD, but it depends on people. Don't blame yourself if it doesn't.

Yes, I had an immensely stressful past few months with work and financial stress that has become a boiling pot / pressure cooker sensation leading up to this. I was way over-working for months to survive and keep my business afloat - but recently, it crumbled outside of my control, bottoming my income overnight beyond my control. I felt like there was a “light at the end of the tunnel” from all my hard work - but at the end, it was unfortunately a train.

I’m trying to reframe this (switch careers/businesses, do what I can to survive) but this combination or burnout + working so hard and having it ripped out beyond my control has led to a paralyzation to do anything to move forward, and hopelessness in general. It’s already hard to pivot careers when things are going “well” (fear of failure, feeling not good enough, like a disappointment) - but with this paralyzation and hopeless, I just cry whenever I open my computer to try.

On good days, I’ve felt “this is a sign - you’ve been wanting to change careers for a while, now is the opportunity to go all in” and then any small step to that, is an overwhelming burden where all my negative self talk comes rushing back in 😞

When I think about going to a treatment facility, I also get overwhelmed knowing these work commitments will pile up or I’ll need to tell the clients it’s on a pause because I’m having a mental health issue and going to be somewhere without access. I’ve tried 2 meds - an SSRI that gave me serotonin syndrome (seizures etc) and lamictal (mood stabilizer) that gave me a psychotic episode, so it feels super scary to try more (even though I know that’s what I need) and I think I need in-person medication management that is compassionate and won’t lock me up if I start to have a severe reaction, which is also so scary.

I wish you all the peace and strength you deserve. I bet you probably won't see it, but I do see a lot of good in you 😉. You're clearly overwhelmed with dark thoughts at the moment, but you are able to reason clearly, with great empathy and distance.

Thank you 💗 thank you for all your kind words and for listening. I really deeply appreciate all your insights and reply. It means too much to me to know I’m not alone and have even a glimmer of hope that someone else resonates and sees what I’m going through and that maybe, there is some solution forward. *hug*

 

[cascadian318]

That doesn't really match what you said...you said life always gets better. You shouldn't tell people here things like that unless you can assure it.

life is absolutely holy and was designed to be peaceful if you haven't experienced life to the fullest you cannot say for certain it does not get better . if you have and still feel suicidal then i understand and i guess we would be in the same boat , lol

 

[StringPuppet]

life is absolutely holy and was designed to be peaceful if you haven't experienced life to the fullest you cannot say for certain it does not get better . if you have and still feel suicidal then i understand and i guess we would be in the same boat , lol

I never said life doesn't get better. It can. But it also might not get any better, or get worse. You're the one that needs to prove that it always gets better as you've claimed.

 

[fell]

I never said life doesn't get better. It can. But it also might not get any better, or get worse. You're the one that needs to prove that it always gets better as you've claimed.

Thank you. And it’s certainly not “holy” or “peaceful” for the vast majority of us struggling with depression, mental health conditions, disabilities, poverty, lack of resources to care, and suicidality 💗 The majority of us do not have the access (physically, mentally, or monetarily) to “live life to the fullest”.

I’m sure if I was in a mansion eating fruit and meals from a chef and traveling the world with all life’s stresses taken care of, and not battling my brain, institutions, and systems to survive - the world would feel different. That’s not the reality for most

 

[cascadian318]

I never said life doesn't get better. It can. But it also might not get any better, or get worse. You're the one that needs to prove that it always gets better as you've claimed.

i can't prove it , you must experience it for yourself .

 

[d3c96524be95]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply 🥹 I’m also in my early 30’s and I think that’s partially why it’s so hard - struggling with these feelings so long, it feels somewhat hopeless that it will continue.

These are also my hopes right now - I have tried so much (EMDR, therapy, CBT, DBT, holistic routes, even went to a trauma and dissociation based PHP) - and they definitely HAVE helped, but the feeling always creeps back, and that’s part of what feels so hopeless. When you’ve tried so much, and it helps for a while (a couple months, maybe even a year!) only to end up back where you were, and feeling worse because it’s “clearly not working”.

My therapist has said “when you’re feeling good, you say “wow I’ve come so far and have so many tools” but when you’re feeling low you say “I’ve tried everything and there’s no hope” - so the lens of emotion is clouding it”. That makes a lot of sense, and why yeah, a medication to support would probably help lift the cloud so I can actually access the tools again and have some hope 💗

Yes, I had an immensely stressful past few months with work and financial stress that has become a boiling pot / pressure cooker sensation leading up to this. I was way over-working for months to survive and keep my business afloat - but recently, it crumbled outside of my control, bottoming my income overnight beyond my control. I felt like there was a “light at the end of the tunnel” from all my hard work - but at the end, it was unfortunately a train.

I’m trying to reframe this (switch careers/businesses, do what I can to survive) but this combination or burnout + working so hard and having it ripped out beyond my control has led to a paralyzation to do anything to move forward, and hopelessness in general. It’s already hard to pivot careers when things are going “well” (fear of failure, feeling not good enough, like a disappointment) - but with this paralyzation and hopeless, I just cry whenever I open my computer to try.

On good days, I’ve felt “this is a sign - you’ve been wanting to change careers for a while, now is the opportunity to go all in” and then any small step to that, is an overwhelming burden where all my negative self talk comes rushing back in 😞

When I think about going to a treatment facility, I also get overwhelmed knowing these work commitments will pile up or I’ll need to tell the clients it’s on a pause because I’m having a mental health issue and going to be somewhere without access. I’ve tried 2 meds - an SSRI that gave me serotonin syndrome (seizures etc) and lamictal (mood stabilizer) that gave me a psychotic episode, so it feels super scary to try more (even though I know that’s what I need) and I think I need in-person medication management that is compassionate and won’t lock me up if I start to have a severe reaction, which is also so scary.

Thank you 💗 thank you for all your kind words and for listening. I really deeply appreciate all your insights and reply. It means too much to me to know I’m not alone and have even a glimmer of hope that someone else resonates and sees what I’m going through and that maybe, there is some solution forward. *hug*

You're very brave. Keeping up with your work, making plans, seeking for solutions in spite of all you're going through currently, I'm genuinely impressed. You're just nailing it compared to me 😄! I feel like a giant Jenga tower. Just move one brick and everything will instantly collapse. My job is pulling me down right now, yet I'm just too paralyzed to move the slightest bit in my life and I'm just drowning faster as a result. The fact that you're seemingly able to envision a future and implement incremental changes into your life is a very comforting sign I think. Even if it is rough and builds up slowly.

As for medications, I learned the hard way how bad and deleterious it can go. I made a severe derealization episode under Mirtazapine+Venlafaxine which was one of the most terrifying experience in my life. Also had some psychotic episodes with other treatments. I tried a lot of different medications, none of them helped so far. You're freaking me out with your experience on Lamictal because I started that 8 days ago 😰 (been diagnosed with partial epilepsy). I'm very doubtful it'll help (as I don't think my depression is fixable), but I'm definitely not ready for enduring severe adverse events once again…

i can't prove it , you must experience it for yourself .

Your statement is falsifiable, therefore it just needs one counter example to be refuted. I think this is a good counter example. Life does not always get better. Sometimes it just degrades until you're dead.

With all due respect, please understand that it can be perceived as rude to come up on struggling people's threads with very generic and unfounded claims like this. Most of us have to deal with such platitudes countless times IRL, and I can guarantee that when you've had suicidal thoughts and worsening depression for many years, they're way more detrimental and guilt-inducing than they are helpful to anyone.

 

[Dot]

I’ve been suicidal on and off for my whole life and very suicidal recently the past several weeks. I’ve been open with my best friend and he’s been trying to get me care without me being hospitalized or institutionalized, but we really can’t find any solutions. Even treatment centers say you can’t be suicidal to go - just depressed. Otherwise, you go to an institution. The system is horrible

I told him, I really wish you didn’t care about me. I wish more than anything that you would just come to peace with my loss so I can go do it and not feel guilty for leaving you. He’s very distraught. But I truly feel that way. His grief is the only reason I’m still here, because I don’t want him to suffer. But I’m suffering so much. I know he doesn’t want me gone.

Everyone tells me I have so much light in me and being so much light and help to people, and I used to see it, but I don’t see it in myself anymore. I don’t see a future for myself or have any hope. I just want it to be over. It sucks to hurt people on the way out.

I don’t know, I used to believe it about myself before. I used to see it in me. I just don’t anymore. My friends keep saying it’s chemical, but I don’t think it’s fixable. I know my loss would leave a devastating hole in peoples lives, but I just want to be gone. They keep saying it will get better and to hold on so we can find help and resources, but I truly don’t have hope - and everyone keeps saying that’s just the depression talking.

I don’t want encouragement to CTB here, I feel that enough already inside. I’m just wondering how people manage these feelings? Do you feel them too re; people telling you you have good in you, but you can’t see it? Or not wanting to hurt the people you love? How do you manage the pain? What gives you hope? What have you tried? Is it scary if I end up being institutionalized?

Thank you 💗

If typng = diffclt thn sme1 mght nd 2 hlp trnsl8

Am wondrng wht mde ur feelngs s/ mch strongr recntly

cn also apprci8 hw u mst jst b rlly tired

On th/ questn of institutlsatn b-ing scry -- cn only sy tht if othr altrn8tve = deth thn only 1 hs a chnce of 'pssbly' helpng

Slf hve infrmatn of othr typs of therpies whch r spposd 2 hlp mre fr th/ lng-term s/ if u r stll hopng 2 fnd a wy 2 gt bettr then am mre thn hppy 2 snd u sme infrmatn

 

[fell]

If typng = diffclt thn sme1 mght nd 2 hlp trnsl8

Am wondrng wht mde ur feelngs s/ mch strongr recntly

cn also apprci8 hw u mst jst b rlly tired

On th/ questn of institutlsatn b-ing scry -- cn only sy tht if othr altrn8tve = deth thn only 1 hs a chnce of 'pssbly' helpng

Slf hve infrmatn of othr typs of therpies whch r spposd 2 hlp mre fr th/ lng-term s/ if u r stll hopng 2 fnd a wy 2 gt bettr then am mre thn hppy 2 snd u sme infrmatn

Thank you so much 💗 I can understand your typing. Thank you for your offer to help.

I shared a little lower in the thread what’s intensified things recently re; career and trying a few medications with bad reactions 😞 The idea of institutionalization has been so scary to me - I’m really afraid to try more meds, have a bad reaction, and end up someplace that treats people poorly 😞

I would love some of the resources/info on therapies and things that you’re trying! Thank you for the offer 😊

 

[llih326]

I can only speak to the other side of this because I'm here as part of an effort to come to terms with a dear friend of mine who is more than likely going to ctb. It can be a very difficult balance trying to proactively seek alternatives in the hope one will pan out in a way that helps my friend while still trying to convey that I'm understanding if it must ultimately happen. I'm conflicted because if there is a better alternative than ctb, I want the guilt my friend would feel to be an impediment. But if there isn't an alternative, I don't want that guilt to weigh negatively on him. It's hard when we don't have the answer. But the uncertainty means I have to keep trying.

I can't imagine how frustrating and depressing it must be to have others tell you the say something in you that you are unable to truly experience yourself. I'm very sorry that you have to suffer through that. But I hope their recognition of those special aspects of you is validation it still exists in you even if you don't get to feel it at this moment. If there's a path to you feeling that again and it can make continuing a better option than ctb, I will be hoping you keep trying as much as you have the energy to so you can reach that point. I wish you all the best either way.

 

[fell]

@llih326 Thank you very much for your kind words, and also for being here to learn more about what your friend is experiencing and to support your friend 💗 my friend I am sure also feels the same ways as you. It is very hard I am sure to see your friend going through so much pain, and to often feel so helpless to stop it. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful friend for being there for them in that way. No matter what happens - please know that about yourself, that you are a very generous and loving person by being there and putting so much into giving them that support, which I know can be so exhausting and scary (as I’ve also been that person for a partner in the past).

“If there is a path to you to you feeling that again and continuing” — I think that is so key, and it’s the piece my friend has also been trying to remind me of and help me with, even when small and day by day. And it’s truly what means so much. Having someone help come up with a plan (even when it means helping to open the curtains, take medication, make a little list to brush teeth or drink water, having someone there to talk about fears and obstacles and find solutions) is such a huge support. The effort you are putting in to support your friend is beautiful, and I’m so grateful to hear it from your side - to remember it as a blessing, and to keep trying to see the light myself 💗 thank you

 

[llih326]

@llih326 Thank you very much for your kind words, and also for being here to learn more about what your friend is experiencing and to support your friend 💗 my friend I am sure also feels the same ways as you. It is very hard I am sure to see your friend going through so much pain, and to often feel so helpless to stop it. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful friend for being there for them in that way. No matter what happens - please know that about yourself, that you are a very generous and loving person by being there and putting so much into giving them that support, which I know can be so exhausting and scary (as I’ve also been that person for a partner in the past).

“If there is a path to you to you feeling that again and continuing” — I think that is so key, and it’s the piece my friend has also been trying to remind me of and help me with, even when small and day by day. And it’s truly what means so much. Having someone help come up with a plan (even when it means helping to open the curtains, take medication, make a little list to brush teeth or drink water, having someone there to talk about fears and obstacles and find solutions) is such a huge support. The effort you are putting in to support your friend is beautiful, and I’m so grateful to hear it from your side - to remember it as a blessing, and to keep trying to see the light myself 💗 thank you

It means so much for you to say that. My deepest appreciation for that. For you to be enduring the pain you are and still finding the time and energy to share that sentiment with a stranger like me just proves definitively the light other people see in you is still very much alive and well. You have a gift for empathy and gratitude that is rare in the world.

I can think of perhaps one exercise to practice to help you start to better see that light in yourself. It's apparent to me if the situation was reversed, you would be doing the same for your friend. It's also apparent you have a deep gratitude for the support your friend offers. So every time you feel or express that gratitude, I'd invite you to remind yourself that is what a healthy version of you brings to this world. And remind yourself that even the best of us can have our light dimmed by disease - mental or physical - that are out of our control. But that doesn't make us any less lovely people. If anything, I've learned more about the depth of how good a person my friend is as he endures the intense mental and physical pain he has. For him to have any patience with others is a testament to how good a soul he is. Your kindness toward me even as you are dealing with your own suffering means your light is so bright it still breaks through your unfortunate situation. Extend yourself the grace and understanding to be less than your best self that you'd extend your friend if the roles were swapped.

I'd also ask you to please remember, as best you can as you navigate an extremely difficult situation, that individuals like your friend and me don't want you to have to remain in an existence of suffering. If we knew with absolute certainty that's what the future held, we'd be doing the absolute best we could to support you in taking that next step. It's because we maintain legitimate hope that there is a better alternative for you that makes us fight so hard. It's admittedly easier to maintain hope on this side where the daily realities of the pain you're enduring aren't as intense. But it also sometimes affords us greater clarity to see a situation because intense pain can understandably be blinding. You have my wishes, hopes, and prayers (if you want them) that the selfless efforts of your friend and the hard work you put in just continuing through each day will reveal an even better path forward for you than needing to ctb.

 

[teyabutter]

I’ve been suicidal on and off for my whole life and very suicidal recently the past several weeks. I’ve been open with my best friend and he’s been trying to get me care without me being hospitalized or institutionalized, but we really can’t find any solutions. Even treatment centers say you can’t be suicidal to go - just depressed. Otherwise, you go to an institution. The system is horrible

I told him, I really wish you didn’t care about me. I wish more than anything that you would just come to peace with my loss so I can go do it and not feel guilty for leaving you. He’s very distraught. But I truly feel that way. His grief is the only reason I’m still here, because I don’t want him to suffer. But I’m suffering so much. I know he doesn’t want me gone.

Everyone tells me I have so much light in me and being so much light and help to people, and I used to see it, but I don’t see it in myself anymore. I don’t see a future for myself or have any hope. I just want it to be over. It sucks to hurt people on the way out.

I don’t know, I used to believe it about myself before. I used to see it in me. I just don’t anymore. My friends keep saying it’s chemical, but I don’t think it’s fixable. I know my loss would leave a devastating hole in peoples lives, but I just want to be gone. They keep saying it will get better and to hold on so we can find help and resources, but I truly don’t have hope - and everyone keeps saying that’s just the depression talking.

I don’t want encouragement to CTB here, I feel that enough already inside. I’m just wondering how people manage these feelings? Do you feel them too re; people telling you you have good in you, but you can’t see it? Or not wanting to hurt the people you love? How do you manage the pain? What gives you hope? What have you tried? Is it scary if I end up being institutionalized?

Thank you 💗

I relate a lot as well. I have one friend that I would do absolutely anything for, and I know that it would hurt her very badly if I ever told her about this or ever did ctb while we still knew each other. But I also care about her too much to cut her off or slowly distance myself