BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
Yes, I'm doing the same thing. Things do seem to be kind of dragging along very slowly.
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
I both want a few days alone for peace and quiet... because I need it, and also know that if I know about it in advance, unless something is so drastically different (that I seriously doubt), it'll be my last days. Time is like speed-dragging.
BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
This always happens to me, even if I go right before I get into bed. Why?!
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Yep... the more comfy, the more I have to go, or I forgot something.
Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
I am freaking out what do I do?
Someone I work with put on Facebook a big sign saying 'What I Didn't Tell (my name) On Dec 21'
Then he wrote his goodbye note
I didn't tell ———- that the night before I spoke with her, I considered suicide for the first time in my life. I made a plan: 20 mg. of Ativan (a strong Benzodiazepine) and 200 mg. of Benadryl. Combining those two drugs would make me extremely relaxed and sleepy; as if in a hypnotic state. I would cut my wrists and more than likely fall into a deep sleep before, well, before I could be afraid. See, that's the thing. I've always been too afraid . . . of the pain, of changing my mind when it was too late, of the hurt it would cause others. But that night, I wasn't afraid. All I wanted was for the pain and hurt that I felt inside to end . . . permanently. Earlier that day, nearly 40 people, many of whom were longtime fans of my music and others who were "big names" in the Trance community unfriended me because of my political posts. They said horrible and hateful things about my career and music. That hasn't ever happened. I felt completely gone, empty, lost, scared. I felt as if everything I've worked so hard for and invested so much of my emotions was gone. I needed to be gone. My two new kittens, October the 31st and November both jumped up on my bed, they sat there looking at me and I knew that they understood. It was if they were saying to me, Daddy, we love you, you saved us and we will be with you until the day we die. We won't ever leave you, you belong to us. All I could do was cry, more like wail for hours into the morning. I started taking Zoloft, an antidepressant the next day. I do feel better, though the thought still comes. I'm so tired of fighting, of the hate, the anger, the world. I'm sorry for not telling you, but I couldn't . . .
Someone I work with put on Facebook a big sign saying 'What I Didn't Tell (my name) On Dec 21'
Then he wrote his goodbye note
I didn't tell ———- that the night before I spoke with her, I considered suicide for the first time in my life. I made a plan: 20 mg. of Ativan (a strong Benzodiazepine) and 200 mg. of Benadryl. Combining those two drugs would make me extremely relaxed and sleepy; as if in a hypnotic state. I would cut my wrists and more than likely fall into a deep sleep before, well, before I could be afraid. See, that's the thing. I've always been too afraid . . . of the pain, of changing my mind when it was too late, of the hurt it would cause others. But that night, I wasn't afraid. All I wanted was for the pain and hurt that I felt inside to end . . . permanently. Earlier that day, nearly 40 people, many of whom were longtime fans of my music and others who were "big names" in the Trance community unfriended me because of my political posts. They said horrible and hateful things about my career and music. That hasn't ever happened. I felt completely gone, empty, lost, scared. I felt as if everything I've worked so hard for and invested so much of my emotions was gone. I needed to be gone. My two new kittens, October the 31st and November both jumped up on my bed, they sat there looking at me and I knew that they understood. It was if they were saying to me, Daddy, we love you, you saved us and we will be with you until the day we die. We won't ever leave you, you belong to us. All I could do was cry, more like wail for hours into the morning. I started taking Zoloft, an antidepressant the next day. I do feel better, though the thought still comes. I'm so tired of fighting, of the hate, the anger, the world. I'm sorry for not telling you, but I couldn't . . .
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Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
On phone so spelling may be weird. Normally yes...catch is my reasons also involves non stop pain all over. Neck pain and loud cracking that I'll have for the restof my life. swellingin one leg from blood clots from surgery that makes it so I lost the o only thing I've ever like about myself (legs) mass in chest. Lack of ability to run due to surgery on ankle. And that's just some medical things that can't bee fixed. And not even all the issues. Mental things are just one of many. Sadly.
Having disorders would be like yay I know what'swrong officially. But everything else would Still exist.
And the big thing... Never being loved only used. Even by family. I find it so hard to trust anyone that even after therapy I can't have relationships.
And to top it all off....I can't have kids. So the only thing I ever wanted I had to convince myself I didn't want.
And even with all of that....even if all wss taken care of.....that's only maybe half of the issues.
Sorry that got a bit deep.
I honestly have no idea! That is so....unexpected to find on Facebook. Also under effects of sleepingpills
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Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Yeah.... I mean it's obvious it'd probably fail with pain....but....like what to do.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Brick In The Wall
2M Or Not 2B.
- Oct 30, 2019
- 25,158
If he's posting it in the open like that it may be a cry for help.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Oh no.... I mean it could be harmless... But.... I hope it's nothing like we're thinking.
I need to sleep... If you keep trying I hope you can reach him.
Brick In The Wall
2M Or Not 2B.
- Oct 30, 2019
- 25,158
Could be ashamed, trying to worry you a bit, or just busy. There has to be a reason he tagged you specifically though.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
I know.. and I really don't know him that well.
Go to sleep. See you tomorrow.
Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
I won't deny that you have to struggle with many and difficult problems. The thing is that if you're bipolar, it will make you see things in an unreasonably dark light and make you extremely suicidal. If your medicines can alleviate the symptoms it will most probably be easier for you to cope with your other problems. Of course, you know better than me what you're going through and what the right thing for you to do is. I just hope you won't give up and that you'll give it one more shot.
Don't be. It's important.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 8,981
Brick In The Wall
2M Or Not 2B.
- Oct 30, 2019
- 25,158
If you don't know him that well he's probably pulled this too many times with people closer to him. They may be tired of him crying wolf so he reached out to you. Eventually you've gota sleep, you did try to reach out.
BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
Someone has closed Stan's thread. Did @Jean4 request it be closed?
I am in an explosive state, panic attacks daily, people abandoning me etc. I sleep badly - I wake up thinking I must kill myself and start panicking. I am deeply isolated. I need to resume my uni career for the time being until I muster the courage to kill myself, but how can I? I am a ball of anxiety and dread. I practically live in solitary confinement and I'm going mad - which is strange because I grew up as a hikikomori (extreme recluse). Now being cut off from society, from normalcy is breaking my heart. I need a solution to turn the volume of the anxiety down that won't involve seeking therapeutic help (I am not risking going to the psych ward for suicidal ideation). I was thinking of purchasing the herbal stuff @Sensei recommended but then I'm terrified of messing my nervous system further. SS is unbearable after the Nov - Dec suicides but then the world outside this twilight zone is too much for me. I wish this was a universe where helping me resign myself to death weren't considered morally reprehensible even here. But then in such a universe having to purchase poisonous substances to kill myself with all the risk that it entails would be considered as barbaric as backstreet abortions are considered now (where having an abortion is legal)
Please nobody quote this post; will be deleting soon.
Please nobody quote this post; will be deleting soon.
BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
Brick In The Wall
2M Or Not 2B.
- Oct 30, 2019
- 25,158
@Jean4, waiting for you to create a new thread that we can post in.
You're right I just noticed that too. Even still it's definitely the biggest goodbye thread I've seen here.
CyanideSoup
Memento mori
- Oct 1, 2019
- 463
Afternoon all, hope you are doing okay today. I'm feeling quite low so going to my mums for the day to make sure I don't do anything impulsive.
Also just noticed that Stans thread has been closed. I hope you're okay @Jean4
Also just noticed that Stans thread has been closed. I hope you're okay @Jean4
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
We have this ;)@Jean4, waiting for you to create a new thread that we can post in.
Been up all night. Can find out nothing. I'm exhausted
After my insane night (it's almost 8 am here) I'm going to try to sleep. Will be back later.
Before I go to sleep. @Carina and @Squiddy take your meds!
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Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Don't worry I did.
Also showered... washed hair... brushed teeth...
Like a 'normal' person.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Oh my GAWD!!! I am proud of you!!!! And you normal? Never!
Granted it'd be a bit noticeable if I went to work smelling like a sewer, oily hair and all lol
And yeah, I mean I get that, I really do. After a while it's just more and more piling on. I'm on so many meds to control pain/headaches/tremors/etc that it's making it so I can't concentrate/function. Go off, I'm in too much pain to concentrate/function. Most doctors (but one--and doctors say she's crazy lol) say I have Fibromyalgia. Blood work comes back saying my inflammation is in rheumatoid arthritis levels apparently, but no signs of it in joints.
It's like I'm falling apart lol. But I go on. It's just so tiring. Especially since I know that I'd have 40 years left of it if I live, and this is the least amount of pain I'll be in--it's just going to get worse.
Just so many things... too many things.
I honestly wish I would've had a diagnosis earlier. I really wish my friend, when I had a suicide attempt and stopped mid-attempt to take a friend to the er when she was caught in a suicide attempt (yes, her suicide attempt stopped mine), and she noticed it--that maybe instead of not saying something and us striking a deal where neither would stop the other, that she would have said something. But... it is how it is.
Ugh... another dark thing.... this thread needs cute kittens or something now.
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Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Have you tried acupuncture and other alternative meds?
I'm glad you will be with your mum. We will be here when you get back.
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Yes and no to the acupuncture/alternative med things.
Granted I know even people who do the acupuncture say it's more of a placebo effect (nothing against people who it works for or believe in it of course!), alternative med things--well depends on what it is, as some I know it's placebo (like you could down 50 bottles of it, and it is harmless) other things actually harm me (a nurse recommended something to me... I took it and it caused damage/pain, and it was just some herb!).
One recommended turmeric--I have side effects from it! Apparently it was supposed to help... I wanted it to help, I was hoping it'd help. But it didn't. It just had side effects that were worse than what it was supposed to help (can't even remember now what it was it caused).
I've been to a chiropractor... it didn't help, and it was mainly physical therapy after they did their thing.
I've had multiple injections into my neck and spine. Numerous discs that are degenerating or out of place slightly. None that are bad enough for surgery, but enough that together, well... it adds up. What it is... like C2-C4, L5-S1, and something in the T area have issues toward the top.
