Ugh just had a complete panic attack, hyperventilated to the point of passing out, over dinner so now my mom wants me to go to a fucking outpatient eating disorder rehab. That ain't happening.
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Why is the 2019 christmas thread pinned, but not like this one? Just seems weird
I really really want to go tonight...I have a method to go but the one I really want isn't here yet. I just afraid days where my SI is down are kinda rare....I feel like taking the opportunity but damn I don't want to fail or risk being saved ...
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
The failing or risk being saved are always the annoying things... especially the risking being saved...
I'm sorry :(
I'm mostly worried about vomiting and causing noise with SN...even with meto I'll probably vomit....but on other hand I feel like if I wait until my other method arrives SI will be back and I'll just sit in limbo again like I have been doing for years....ugh the struggle.....
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
How are you doing today? You want me to pull out anybody's nails?
Lol nah. It's just me...life isn't sustainable for me. It's turned into a nightmare beyond what I ever fathomed. I always say life can be a great gift for some but the biggest curse for others... sadly I'm cursed.
Edit...I really really need to just go tonight. Damn I have no notes or anything finished...
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Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
We all are. That's why we are here. Join the club.
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Does the curse involve doing bad things when locked in a room? Asking for a friend.... that's furry.
I may be doing things I shouldn't be.
I may be doing things I shouldn't be.
Beautifully put. Couldn't feel more in harmony with that statement.
Many are trying to get better! I don't happen to be one of them, but i see the sentiment.
cosmicpixiedust
Pixie
- Jun 5, 2019
- 972
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
I am considering going to bed since I had the day from
Stan hell lol.
cosmicpixiedust
Pixie
- Jun 5, 2019
- 972
I don't blame you if you do, it seems to have been rough from what all I've seen. Lol.
I hope you feel better soon! That was a lot to go through.
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Sadly I'm realizing just how much of a mistake it was that my mom didn't want me to eat what I wanted was given my day.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
Did you eat anything other than a banana split? That's not dinner food. I'm not saying it's not good, I'm just saying by itself it's not good. It might make you sick, especially if you start drinking.
I'm now in bed with my cup of rum, so I guess we'll see what happens from here. Will I drink 'til I pass out? Who knows.
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cosmicpixiedust
Pixie
- Jun 5, 2019
- 972
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
That was it... I almost threw it out when I was given it because I honestly didn't even want it. I'm sick to my stomach from it as it is :(
And nope, nothing else. All my other food "smells up the house and is disgusting" and the boyfriend can't breathe. Which is BS because the house was full of smoke once, and I was coughing from all the smoke, and the boyfriend could breathe just fine. So I have to wait until he leaves... probably 11... yet I won't know because she won't tell me, and i'm not allowed to leave my room basically.
Seriously I swear I'm not an adult. You'd think since she relies on my money to buy stuff, she'd think differently.
BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
So your mother's boyfriend who doesn't even live in your house is now dictating what and when you can eat dinner?!
I just feel so bad for some of you that have to live with your family members. I'm lucky, my family is all pretty much dead. Most of the people I have to contend with now come from my husband's family and they don't live in my house, thankfully.
cosmicpixiedust
Pixie
- Jun 5, 2019
- 972
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Basically....
He makes my mom happy, so I overlook a lot... and I mean a lot... mainly as I figure she's going to need someone to lean on.
I'm sure it's a very complicated situation. But i hope you are not draining yourself just to try and fill your mother's emotional needs.
I hope you are properly prioritizing your own needs and feelings, as you best can.
cosmicpixiedust
Pixie
- Jun 5, 2019
- 972
You are very sweet for thinking of your mom like that. I'm sorry you're going through this! You need to remember to take care of yourself.
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
I've always basically put others over me first, in relationships, everything. Small inconvenience to make others happy. Or so I always thought. Bit late now, but at least I can continue it for a bit longer.
cosmicpixiedust
Pixie
- Jun 5, 2019
- 972
BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
Why is it always the people that think of others that end up on forums like this, while the selfish assholes seem to be the ones who have it easy because they don't care what anyone else wants or thinks or how they feel, etc?!
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
It comes at a price. Or at least it did for me. I sacrificed my education choice and college for family desires. Technically career choices were their choices. I only wanted to make them happy, and when I couldn't I felt like I failed. And really it's probably why certain things in life happened that... trying to be vague, I justified things as being wanted to make others happy, that I didn't want, just so I could live with it.
And really, I'm on this site. So it's a good thing in moderation! But I took it to an extreme.
BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
It must be difficult having to live up to other peoples expectations when it comes to something really big like a career choice. That's something you have to do your entire life, so letting someone else choose for you is kind of difficult if they don't choose something that you could at least live with.
I understand what you're saying though. I kind of did the same thing. I did what other people wanted me to do until one day I just had enough of it and then I started going the exact other way and doing things against what other people wanted me to do just to go against it, which actually isn't any better.
It just doesn't sound like you are being treated in a reciprocal manner, and i imagine that's what would emotionally affect readers.
It sounds a lot like you deserve much better than you have gotten, with all due respect.
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Yeah, one would think that would happen, but I never did it expecting anything in return. I just wanted to make others happy. I kind of expected I guess that it would make people care or whatever, but it didn't.
I'm always second, third, or nth in the order of things. Even if I needed help, I doubt there's any of my actual friends that I could ask and get a reply--because my best friend has me probably as a 3rd or 4th in the list of things given things going on with his uncle.
Funny thing is... I think I was even taught to do things without expecting things from others... by my adoptive father... who was mentally abusive. He probably screwed me up too to be honest... lol
