The Official 2020 Everything But The Kitchen Sink Post

[Soulless_Angel]

my first attempt at a lemon drizzle cake

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Does anyone here have people who know they use this site, my husband does, he think's its the only thing keeping me sane/alive!!

My roommate saw me on it and it took some explaining (he's quite the pro lifer), but I think he kind of understands. I explained that I feel like I can be myself and talk about things (besides suicide) to people for once in a very, very long time (I don't really fit in that well in my friend circle). He has promised not to go looking for my account (which he would immediately be able to find because of my name). I honestly think it's because he knows that he would read some insanely private, incredibly dark things and that he would see plans/details that he doesn't want to know. Either way, mutual trust and understanding on it so far.

 

[BabyYoda]

I seriously feel unworthy to be a human being at all because of my love for a certain person. What's worse is that I've tried everything to "fix" myself and nothing worked. So I need to accept what I feel instead. Feels like there's an invisible cord tied from him to me that cannot be removed. My mental state and CTB influence are all dependent on him. I'm ashamed of it, really.

 

[Carina]

I woke up this morning with cpap thing over nose unable to breathe ( interesting brain didn't open mouth to breathe though?) This sinus thing better get fixed or Its going to freaking kill me in an unpleasant way in my sleep as when I got up to try and blue Crap out I almost feel over from lack of oxygen

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I seriously feel unworthy to be a human being at all because of my love for a certain person. What's worse is that I've tried everything to "fix" myself and nothing worked. So I need to accept what I feel instead. Feels like there's an invisible cord tied from him to me that cannot be removed. My mental state and CTB influence are all dependent on him. I'm ashamed of it, really.

I've been there before, I'm terribly sorry. I have no advice, but I do have a hug and some love to give

 

[Carina]

My roommate saw me on it and it took some explaining (he's quite the pro lifer), but I think he kind of understands. I explained that I feel like I can be myself and talk about things (besides suicide) to people for once in a very, very long time (I don't really fit in that well in my friend circle). He has promised not to go looking for my account (which he would immediately be able to find because of my name). I honestly think it's because he knows that he would read some insanely private, incredibly dark things and that he would see plans/details that he doesn't want to know. Either way, mutual trust and understanding on it so far.

Things like that are why I picked a never used by me name here. My best friend could join. And he'd figure out who I am based on posts but he'd not know otherwise. Ok the name and picture is telling a bit to narrow down.

 

[BabyYoda]

I've been there before, I'm terribly sorry. I have no advice, but I do have a hug and some love to give

Thanks. Do you think I should be ashamed of myself?

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Things like that are why I picked a never used by me name here. My best friend could join. And he'd figure out who I am based on posts but he'd not know otherwise. Ok the name and picture is telling a bit to narrow down.

I actually joined back in April originally then requested a new account and new name due to realising the old one was a bit suss for anyone outside of my husband, never used this one before, so it was like a fresh start for me

 

[Carina]

Thanks. Do you think I should be ashamed of myself?

Ashamed? No.

Back when I was in school there was a leadership conference and the people there said that relationships can hurt in a breakup but the other is never worth your life.
I seriously hate how when a new post appears when I'm on my phone when in doing a post my phone scrolls and then just posts mtg half completed message .... Like Wtf?

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I actually joined back in April originally then requested a new account and new name due to realising the old one was a bit suss for anyone outside of my husband, never used this one before, so it was like a fresh start for me

Things like that are why I picked a never used by me name here. My best friend could join. And he'd figure out who I am based on posts but he'd not know otherwise. Ok the name and picture is telling a bit to narrow down.

The username is unique to this site as far as I know, but the pixie part of it would be telling because I go by Pixie IRL. I thought about asking for a new name to be more incognito, but I'm honestly really lazy.

Thanks. Do you think I should be ashamed of myself?

No, you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself. We as humans naturally cannot control the way we feel, some less so than others. It doesn't make us any less wonderful of souls, everyone just reacts to things differently.

 

[BabyYoda]

Ashamed? No.

Back when I was in school there was a leadership conference and the people there said that relationships can hurt in a breakup but the other is never worth your life.
I seriously hate how when a new post appears when I'm on my phone when in doing a post my phone scrolls and then just posts mtg half completed message .... Like Wtf?

Thats the reason why I'm ashamed......I still love this person because he's patient with me and he never tries to push me away but sometimes i feel he doesnt appreciate me enough and my CTB and mental state are dependent on him but idk what to do about it ive tried everything nothing worked also we arent in a relationship were friends i love him as a whole im so dumb

 

[Carina]

But yeah....their point whenI had that conference wss basically one of doing let another defineyou whenyou break up when young and in love.

Probably because at the time suicides because of breakups wad common at the time.....


But feelings are valid. After all your having them. And we're here so you can talk about then

 

[BabyYoda]

The username is unique to this site as far as I know, but the pixie part of it would be telling because I go by Pixie IRL. I thought about asking for a new name to be more incognito, but I'm honestly really lazy.


No, you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself. We as humans naturally cannot control the way we feel, some less so than others. It doesn't make us any less wonderful of souls, everyone just reacts to things differently.

But doesnt my situation make me manipulative or sumthin i mean im not bpd as far as i know but i have a favorite person someone i love very much i talked about this with my friend and he said fps dont last long but it seems like an eternity to me i mean its not infatuation i really want the best for him and all but things seem out of control

 

[Carina]

Thats the reason why I'm ashamed......I still love this person because he's patient with me and he never tries to push me away but sometimes i feel he doesnt appreciate me enough and my CTB and mental state are dependent on him but idk what to do about it ive tried everything nothing worked also we arent in a relationship were friends i love him as a whole im so dumb

So just a crush?

Sorry I'm getting ready for work so distracted and lot later than I thought

 

[BabyYoda]

So just a crush?

Sorry I'm getting ready for work so distracted and lot later than I thought

No it aint a crush its someone i love like theres no labels or anything so its not exclusively platonic or romantic i really care about him

 

[Carina]

No it aint a crush its someone i love like theres no labels or anything so its not exclusively platonic or romantic i really care about him

Oh I just meant crush as in dating status sorry ! I wasn't as clear being rushed.

I couldn't remember if you had ever dated either our if you said

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

But doesnt my situation make me manipulative or sumthin i mean im not bpd as far as i know but i have a favorite person someone i love very much i talked about this with my friend and he said fps dont last long but it seems like an eternity to me i mean its not infatuation i really want the best for him and all but things seem out of control

Some could see it as manipulation, but I really don't think so. Again, we can't help or control the way we feel. Being emotionally dependent is hard, especially if you are attempting to break the cycle. You need to have patience with yourself because it's not something that goes away overnight (unfortunately).

 

[BabyYoda]

Oh I just meant crush as in dating status sorry ! I wasn't as clear being rushed.

I couldn't remember if you had ever dated either our if you said

Nah, we're not dating

Some could see it as manipulation, but I really don't think so. Again, we can't help or control the way we feel. Being emotionally dependent is hard, especially if you are attempting to break the cycle. You need to have patience with yourself because it's not something that goes away overnight (unfortunately).

What if it doesnt go away? Im not saying it will, but im just afraid everything will just come crashing down

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Good morning everyone.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Nah, we're not dating


What if it doesnt go away? Im not saying it will, but im just afraid everything will just come crashing down

It's going to take a lot of persistence on your part if you want it to go away, but it will if you want it to and you let it. This is going to sound like some hippie bullshit but, have you ever done yoga? It really helped me work through a lot of the internal crap I had going on when I had my most intense attachment happening.

Good morning everyone.

Good morning! I'm about to go to sleep. Work has my internal clock all sorts of skewed. Lol.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Good morning everyone.

Morning well it's afternoon here!

 

[BabyYoda]

Good morning everyone.

Morning

It's going to take a lot of persistence on your part if you want it to go away, but it will if you want it to and you let it. This is going to sound like some hippie bullshit but, have you ever done yoga? It really helped me work through a lot of the internal crap I had going on when I had my most intense attachment happening.

Good morning! I'm about to go to sleep. Work has my internal clock all sorts of skewed. Lol.

Well yea i used to, tho not anymore

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Morning


Well yea i used to, tho not anymore

If you get a chance to, you should try it again. I think it helps because your focusing on what you're doing with your body and relaxing the mind, allowing it to work through things that we can't always focus on. Check out Yoga With Adriene on YouTube, it's all free and she's a great teacher. Btw, if you ever want someone to talk to you can always pm me.

 

[BabyYoda]

If you get a chance to, you should try it again. I think it helps because your focusing on what you're doing with your body and relaxing the mind, allowing it to work through things that we can't always focus on. Check out Yoga With Adriene on YouTube, it's all free and she's a great teacher. Btw, if you ever want someone to talk to you can always pm me. ❤

Ok thanks

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

Ok thanks

You're welcome love!
I want a dab but I'm about to go lay down. That would be wasteful, right? I can't make up my mind.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

You're welcome love!
I want a dab but I'm about to go lay down. That would be wasteful, right? I can't make up my mind.

We live in a wasteful world, indulge yourself. It'll make it alot more relaxing.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

We live in a wasteful world, indulge yourself. It'll make it alot more relaxing.

Good enough for me =D

 

[Jean4]

Just waking up. I marijuana'd the heck out of myself. Got some sleep, but in a total brain fog from the marijuana.

The sleep made me physically feel better. My chest has no pain, which probably meant the lack of sleep was causing my asthma attacks.

@Root how did you do with your list yesterday? @Carina and @Squiddy take your meds!

check in
@realjunes
@BlueWidow
@Azzy69
@APharmaDestroyedLife
@L0ne1ygh0st

@Sensei just because I like saying your name and being the Queen I am entitled to!

List for today
Start with coffee to clear brain fog
Shower and brush teeth
Throw away the boxes and bags that are on my floor from the groceries
Wash cat dishes and clean boxes
Real job work
Morning to @Brick In The Wall @cosmicpixiedust , @Soulless_Angel and @BabyYoda

 

[BooGirl]

I got the job! Only 4 sessions, but I have some other money saved up, so at the end of this, I should have more than enough money for SN, domp/meto, and a PO box if I need to get one!

 

[Jean4]

I got the job! Only 4 sessions, but I have some other money saved up, so at the end of this, I should have more than enough money for SN, domp/meto, and a PO box if I need to get one!

I told you so!!! Fantastic!! I'm proud of you!!!