hellstar_paradox
they/them
- Feb 18, 2026
- 12
As long as can remember having thoughts of ctb I've wanted to do it in a public manner. I know it's pretty amoral to subject others to my ctb without their consent and permanently traumatize them but that doesn't change how I feel. When I worked in an office I thought about ctb'ing in the office kitchen for someone to find me. More recently I wanted to do it by jumping from the stands during a baseball game on a day I know everyone from my old office job would be there, but I let someone talk me out of it and am lowkey regretting it. And of course I've always thought about livestreaming me ctb, although it has nothing to do with other known cases of people doing that. I'm not "inspiring to be like" anyone doing things that way, I just want to have people watch while I do it in real time, although I don't have any sort of online following or really enough acquaintances on fb or anything similar, so the idea feels less appealing since I'll probs just do it and it'll get lost on the internet forever, aka literally end up just like me 
I guess it comes from the fact I've been extremely isolated my whole life. I was homeschooled from 1st grade through high school grades, I went to a community collage for a few years but at that point I already felt so inhuman and fucked up and different from everyone else I didn't make any connections that lasted more than a few weeks and the only job I've ever really had was in an office full of older women. The only places I've had a vague chance of making friends is online but that usually ends with either them cutting me off bc I can't control my emotions or me cutting them off during an episode.
So idk I guess I feel the need to ctb publicly as a final bid for the world to have to acknowledge that I existed. I have nothing left to prove I ever existed outside of my home. I can't even tell myself me not existing would cause some sort of hole in the world because all my art would go with me but I've already deleted all my art accounts and exactly 0 people seemed to genuinely be affected by it, so I guess the only way to make people acknowledge my absence is to make them watch it happen in real time
I guess it comes from the fact I've been extremely isolated my whole life. I was homeschooled from 1st grade through high school grades, I went to a community collage for a few years but at that point I already felt so inhuman and fucked up and different from everyone else I didn't make any connections that lasted more than a few weeks and the only job I've ever really had was in an office full of older women. The only places I've had a vague chance of making friends is online but that usually ends with either them cutting me off bc I can't control my emotions or me cutting them off during an episode.
So idk I guess I feel the need to ctb publicly as a final bid for the world to have to acknowledge that I existed. I have nothing left to prove I ever existed outside of my home. I can't even tell myself me not existing would cause some sort of hole in the world because all my art would go with me but I've already deleted all my art accounts and exactly 0 people seemed to genuinely be affected by it, so I guess the only way to make people acknowledge my absence is to make them watch it happen in real time
