Story The need to ctb Publicly

[hellstar_paradox]

As long as can remember having thoughts of ctb I've wanted to do it in a public manner. I know it's pretty amoral to subject others to my ctb without their consent and permanently traumatize them but that doesn't change how I feel. When I worked in an office I thought about ctb'ing in the office kitchen for someone to find me. More recently I wanted to do it by jumping from the stands during a baseball game on a day I know everyone from my old office job would be there, but I let someone talk me out of it and am lowkey regretting it. And of course I've always thought about livestreaming me ctb, although it has nothing to do with other known cases of people doing that. I'm not "inspiring to be like" anyone doing things that way, I just want to have people watch while I do it in real time, although I don't have any sort of online following or really enough acquaintances on fb or anything similar, so the idea feels less appealing since I'll probs just do it and it'll get lost on the internet forever, aka literally end up just like me

I guess it comes from the fact I've been extremely isolated my whole life. I was homeschooled from 1st grade through high school grades, I went to a community collage for a few years but at that point I already felt so inhuman and fucked up and different from everyone else I didn't make any connections that lasted more than a few weeks and the only job I've ever really had was in an office full of older women. The only places I've had a vague chance of making friends is online but that usually ends with either them cutting me off bc I can't control my emotions or me cutting them off during an episode.

So idk I guess I feel the need to ctb publicly as a final bid for the world to have to acknowledge that I existed. I have nothing left to prove I ever existed outside of my home. I can't even tell myself me not existing would cause some sort of hole in the world because all my art would go with me but I've already deleted all my art accounts and exactly 0 people seemed to genuinely be affected by it, so I guess the only way to make people acknowledge my absence is to make them watch it happen in real time

 

[k41tlynn]

r u biologically male by chance?

 

[hellstar_paradox]

r u biologically male by chance?

I'm non-binary, respectfully, my birth sex is no one's business but my own, sorry

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

r u biologically male by chance?

Are you asking bc this seems like a male thing to do?

@hellstar_paradox people will condemn you for wanting to CTB publicly, but I honestly get it and wouldn't hold it against you. Maybe take precautions to avoid children and other vulnerable people.

Also, as much as suicide fantasies are lovely to get lost in, once you're dead, you won't be able to see other people's reactions or anything. It probably won't be the experience you're hoping for it to be, in terms of feeling seen.

 

[hellstar_paradox]

As long as can remember having thoughts of ctb I've wanted to do it in a public manner. I know it's pretty amoral to subject others to my ctb without their consent and permanently traumatize them but that doesn't change how I feel. When I worked in an office I thought about ctb'ing in the office kitchen for someone to find me. More recently I wanted to do it by jumping from the stands during a baseball game on a day I know everyone from my old office job would be there, but I let someone talk me out of it and am lowkey regretting it. And of course I've always thought about livestreaming me ctb, although it has nothing to do with other known cases of people doing that. I'm not "inspiring to be like" anyone doing things that way, I just want to have people watch while I do it in real time, although I don't have any sort of online following or really enough acquaintances on fb or anything similar, so the idea feels less appealing since I'll probs just do it and it'll get lost on the internet forever, aka literally end up just like me

I guess it comes from the fact I've been extremely isolated my whole life. I was homeschooled from 1st grade through high school grades, I went to a community collage for a few years but at that point I already felt so inhuman and fucked up and different from everyone else I didn't make any connections that lasted more than a few weeks and the only job I've ever really had was in an office full of older women. The only places I've had a vague chance of making friends is online but that usually ends with either them cutting me off bc I can't control my emotions or me cutting them off during an episode.

So idk I guess I feel the need to ctb publicly as a final bid for the world to have to acknowledge that I existed. I have nothing left to prove I ever existed outside of my home. I can't even tell myself me not existing would cause some sort of hole in the world because all my art would go with me but I've already deleted all my art accounts and exactly 0 people seemed to genuinely be affected by it, so I guess the only way to make people acknowledge my absence is to make them watch it happen in real time

Just wanted to come back and add a few things

1. Just because I want to ctb publicly doesn't mean i want to "take anyone with me". I have no desire or plans to do anything like that and honestly the idea of doing things that way makes me sick. There's a lot of people in this world I hate but I don't think I could ever hurt someone else like that unless it was out of self defense for myself or a loved one (and even then I'd probably just fold lmao)

2. I'm aware of the fact that if I ctb'd on a livestream or anywhere someone might be recording/broadcasting that the footage would be used by pieces of shit online to try and bait and switch random people into watching gore like other known cases of recorded ctb and honestly I...it's not that i don't care, i think doing something like that is a shitty thing to do, I just don't feel like that's my fault. There's already a lot of gore and ctb videos on the internet already, whether or not there's one of me out there isn't going to stop someone from using these kinds of videos to fuck with people.

Are you asking bc this seems like a male thing to do?

@hellstar_paradox people will condemn you for wanting to CTB publicly, but I honestly get it and wouldn't hold it against you. Maybe take precautions to avoid children and other vulnerable people.

Also, as much as suicide fantasies are lovely to get lost in, once you're dead, you won't be able to see other people's reactions or anything. It probably won't be the experience you're hoping for it to be, in terms of feeling seen.

I know, I know it would be a shitty thing to do, but like you said it's nice to fantasize about and I needed a place to let it all out.

Idk I guess it's a mix of wanting to be seen and wanting to send out one last "fuck you" to the world. Like when I was thinking about ctb'ing at a baseball game the reason I wanted to do it during a specific day was because there was an event where a lot of people from my old job and my mom's current job would be there, and recently a lot of people there had been treating my mom like shit, so it's kinda like "yea i'll get back at those bitches the only way i can". Ik that would also mean doing it in front of my mom but lowkey she's a big reason why i'm so fucked up and want to ctb in the first place, so i don't really factor her in to things like this.

If it helps this will probably never happen since in reality if I ever ctb it'll be during random episode where i just do it on impulse without any planning or anything so!!

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

Well, jumping has always been the poster child for this.

 

[hellstar_paradox]

Well, jumping has always been the poster child for this.

True! Although I did mention jumping in the post

Tbh tho I'm afraid of jumping because I feel like no matter what height I jumped from knowing me I'd somehow end up fucking it up and end up in the hospital with a billion broken bones

 

[Lucifer’s Son]

True! Although I did mention jumping in the post

Tbh tho I'm afraid of jumping because I feel like no matter what height I jumped from knowing me I'd somehow end up fucking it up and end up in the hospital with a billion broken bones

True! Although I did mention jumping in the post

Tbh tho I'm afraid of jumping because I feel like no matter what height I jumped from knowing me I'd somehow end up fucking it up and end up in the hospital with a billion broken bones

True! Although I did mention jumping in the post

Tbh tho I'm afraid of jumping because I feel like no matter what height I jumped from knowing me I'd somehow end up fucking it up and end up in the hospital with a billion broken bones

Sorry! My attention span issues make it difficult for me to fully parse long pieces of texts

 

[hellstar_paradox]

Sorry! My attention span issues make it difficult for me to fully parse long pieces of texts

It's okay! And tbh I feel that tho, I have the same issue a lot too

 

[k41tlynn]

Are you asking bc this seems like a male thing to do?

@hellstar_paradox people will condemn you for wanting to CTB publicly, but I honestly get it and wouldn't hold it against you. Maybe take precautions to avoid children and other vulnerable people.

Also, as much as suicide fantasies are lovely to get lost in, once you're dead, you won't be able to see other people's reactions or anything. It probably won't be the experience you're hoping for it to be, in terms of feeling seen.

yes it seems like a male thing to do. Ill be the first one to admit this is not an ideal world to live in and I hope anyone who wants to die can do so without suffering. but to purposely want others to witness that? I cant wrap my head around it. is it like a fetish thing? it feels like a sex thing from a man

 

[ZwartHartje]

yes it seems like a male thing to do. Ill be the first one to admit this is not an ideal world to live in and I hope anyone who wants to die can do so without suffering. but to purposely want others to witness that? I cant wrap my head around it. is it like a fetish thing? it feels like a sex thing from a man

Not necessarily, I honestly can relate to it a bit. The reason I want to die is because all my loved ones who were nutrias were murdered by some speciesist psychopathic mass murderers, the holocaust was sanctioned by the city government and the police sided with the mass murderers, they don't even acknowledge the crimes as *murder* just because the victims are non-humans. So I first thought of drowning myself in the lake at the park where my nutria family lived and died, so that my body would be found there and they all would be forced to see what they did, including to someone who actually *is* human, even if only biologically and not spiritually (which is a concept they wouldn't be able to grasp anyway.)
But I realized that these things wouldn't be fazed by it in the least, since they're psychopaths. Something that can callously murder a defenseless and adorable little animal can't be expected to have feelings. And for myself it would be too dangerous to do it there - a rather shallow artificial lake at a public park, where even in the dead of the night there would be a risk of being found way too soon.

That said, I do think it's actually possible to witness the reactions of people to your death after the fact, when you're out of the body. People with NDEs often report that they could see what was going on around their body while they were clinically dead. Not all, apparently some are immediately entering some other realm, but I guess there's a chance to stick around in spirit for a while.

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

yes it seems like a male thing to do. Ill be the first one to admit this is not an ideal world to live in and I hope anyone who wants to die can do so without suffering. but to purposely want others to witness that? I cant wrap my head around it. is it like a fetish thing? it feels like a sex thing from a man

I definitely get what you're saying.

I'll at least say, there was a time I was mildly suicidal because of someone who wouldn't stop sexually harassing me and basically got away with it. I wanted to kill them and then hang myself to make a point. Obviously I didn't do it, but that's my instance of wanting a public suicide and not being male.

However, we definitely see more outward violence from men, so I see your point.

 

[android]

Its hate for others. Men arent the only ones who experience hate from others. Women also do and feel plenty of hate. There are many philosophers who argue that women have always been socialised differently from men, leading to less childhood isolation and therefore maybe less misanthropy and hate towards others.

yes it seems like a male thing to do. Ill be the first one to admit this is not an ideal world to live in and I hope anyone who wants to die can do so without suffering. but to purposely want others to witness that? I cant wrap my head around it. is it like a fetish thing? it feels like a sex thing from a man

 

[hellstar_paradox]

is it like a fetish thing? it feels like a sex thing from a man

Wild thing to say on a post abt how someone is thinking of ctbing but go off i guess??? It's not a fetish and it's not a "sex thing", I don't know the exact reason why I think about doing this but it's not for anything sexual and I feel like it's pretty rude to just write my feelings off as a fetish tbh