The horrors of ugliness

[Journeytoletgo]

I come to the conclusion that I am really really foolish and easily deceived. The scary part is when I was admitted to a hospital in my late teens there was a woman giving me an evil look, someone I was sitting next to said "come over here I don't like how she's looking at you"

I keep having nightmares of how oblivious I was and didn't realize I was attracting predators by my looks

 

[Kestrel]

I've been digging up more memories of how my uglyness has impacted me since I last posted here.

I remember when I was about 13/14, and I was the 'ugly girl' in the school, this one particular boy would taunt me for my uglyness and take photos of me and show them to me to emphasise my uglyness. He would also sexually harrass me by chasing me during break saying he way going to rape me; he would try and trip me up with his foot so he could get on top of me. Honestly I just let him do all that (as in i told him to stop and cried but I never told a teacher) because that's all I felt I was worth and still do. Things haven't changed and I have been harrased my men many times who think I am 'easy' because I am ugly. It is very scary when it happens.

Everyday I want to tear myself free of this prison they call a 'body'.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I've been digging up more memories of how my uglyness has impacted me since I last posted here.

I remember when I was about 13/14, and I was the 'ugly girl' in the school, this one particular boy would taunt me for my uglyness and take photos of me and show them to me to emphasise my uglyness. He would also sexually harrass me by chasing me during break saying he way going to rape me; he would try and trip me up with his foot so he could get on top of me. Honestly I just let him do all that (as in i told him to stop and cried but I never told a teacher) because that's all I felt I was worth and still do. Things haven't changed and I have been harrased my men many times who think I am 'easy' because I am ugly. It is very scary when it happens.

Everyday I want to tear myself free of this prison they call a 'body'.

Is it really that bad? That's awful I'm so sorry that happened to you. This world is cruel and evil I wish you didn't have to endure that

What type of harassment do you get?

 

[Kestrel]

Is it really that bad? That's awful I'm so sorry that happened to you. This world is cruel and evil I wish you didn't have to endure that

What type of harassment do you get?

It's mainly been following/stalking by men after I politely decline sex, which is very scary especially when they are twice your size and try to follow you home/ask where you live. This stuff sadly happens to every women but when i've asked my female friends, who are certainly not ugly, the rate it happens to them is so much lower. I've looked on those 'dating theory' websites and going after ugly women for an easy score is a thing pickup-artists do (all the men have used pick-up techniques on me too, so it adds up). This behaviour should not happen to anyone, but it hurts when you know you are being targeted for your inferior looks, you feel it's your fault. That's not to mention that many of the guys I have encountered in these situations seem insulted that I, an ugly women, won't sleep with them. That kind of rage is scary to face. I remember when I was 15 running to a supermarket once to escape one middle-aged man who was really pissed I rejected him for sex and was trying to follow me home. I waited in the store for 20 minutes and when I went outside he was there waiting for me, so I had to run again until he could not find me There is a very very very small minority of men who sadly feel entitled to sex with women who are ugly, they don't see us as human and think we should be grateful for the attention. I am convinced that if I did not have the wits to run to safety he would have forced himself on me.

The worst one I had would come up to me in college, tell me I was a whore, show me all the instagram models he got off to and implied I was so much uglier than them. He would also try and touch me and made jokes about me giving him oral sex. It got really scary when he made rape jokes about me and kept 'coincidently' appearing where I would be throughout the day. I never told him to back off I just kept quiet and dissociate when he would do all this because I feel there's a part in me that blames myself for being an ugly women, so it feels like suitable punishment.

I had another guy in a cafe tell me how he could kill me, he put his fist to my jaw and told me he would knock me out and enjoy watching me sieze on the floor. He said he wanted to 'unpeel' me whatever that means, he kept sayinf sexually suggestive things too. The whole time I could tell he just wanted to hurt a women and even better if he could punish an ugly women just for existing. I tried telling the police but they didn't really want to know.

I want to reitterate that only very few men feel entitled to sex from ugly women (I don't want my point to be misinterpreted) but the thing is, after my experiences, I struggle to feel safe outside. Being a victim to these people makes it feel like a 'loud' minority if that makes sense?

 

[Journeytoletgo]

It's mainly been following/stalking by men after I politely decline sex, which is very scary especially when they are twice your size and try to follow you home/ask where you live. This stuff sadly happens to every women but when i've asked my female friends, who are certainly not ugly, the rate it happens to them is so much lower. I've looked on those 'dating theory' websites and going after ugly women for an easy score is a thing pickup-artists do (all the men have used pick-up techniques on me too, so it adds up). This behaviour should not happen to anyone, but it hurts when you know you are being targeted for your inferior looks, you feel it's your fault. That's not to mention that many of the guys I have encountered in these situations seem insulted that I, an ugly women, won't sleep with them. That kind of rage is scary to face. I remember when I was 15 running to a supermarket once to escape one middle-aged man who was really pissed I rejected him for sex and was trying to follow me home. I waited in the store for 20 minutes and when I went outside he was there waiting for me, so I had to run again until he could not find me There is a very very very small minority of men who sadly feel entitled to sex with women who are ugly, they don't see us as human and think we should be grateful for the attention. I am convinced that if I did not have the wits to run to safety he would have forced himself on me.

The worst one I had would come up to me in college, tell me I was a whore, show me all the instagram models he got off to and implied I was so much uglier than them. He would also try and touch me and made jokes about me giving him oral sex. It got really scary when he made rape jokes about me and kept 'coincidently' appearing where I would be throughout the day. I never told him to back off I just kept quiet and dissociate when he would do all this because I feel there's a part in me that blames myself for being an ugly women, so it feels like suitable punishment.

I had another guy in a cafe tell me how he could kill me, he put his fist to my jaw and told me he would knock me out and enjoy watching me sieze on the floor. He said he wanted to 'unpeel' me whatever that means, he kept sayinf sexually suggestive things too. The whole time I could tell he just wanted to hurt a women and even better if he could punish an ugly women just for existing. I tried telling the police but they didn't really want to know.

I want to reitterate that only very few men feel entitled to sex from ugly women (I don't want my point to be misinterpreted) but the thing is, after my experiences, I struggle to feel safe outside. Being a victim to these people makes it feel like a 'loud' minority if that makes sense?

I am so sorry. Your story really breaks my heart. They are so cruel and evil. I don't have friends so at least you have friends still. How old are you? That's really scary. You have so much wisdom though. I wish I had this wisdom I actively sought my abusers by being foolish. It shouldn't have took me this long to realize this they target me because of my facial skin damage. I wish I was like you and turned them down. I feel dumb.


I was groomed through porn and sending nudes without realizing I was being preyed upon it made me feel useful and desirable only to look for men online that took advantage of me. I gave my body up so easily it's disgusting to think about how dumb and naive I was. I was extremely foolish I gave a guy a one night stand the worse thing ever.


Anyway please don't blame yourself. It's so sad that they feel entitled to
Your body. It's like they feed off of others pain it's disgusting. Not all men but some are very predatory and some are protectors. Did you feel guilt for not fighting back? I feel guilt for being dumb and seeking out abusers to use me. I wish I knew all this back them and fought back it would have been funny turning them down.


You're so strong and brilliant.

It's mainly been following/stalking by men after I politely decline sex, which is very scary especially when they are twice your size and try to follow you home/ask where you live. This stuff sadly happens to every women but when i've asked my female friends, who are certainly not ugly, the rate it happens to them is so much lower. I've looked on those 'dating theory' websites and going after ugly women for an easy score is a thing pickup-artists do (all the men have used pick-up techniques on me too, so it adds up). This behaviour should not happen to anyone, but it hurts when you know you are being targeted for your inferior looks, you feel it's your fault. That's not to mention that many of the guys I have encountered in these situations seem insulted that I, an ugly women, won't sleep with them. That kind of rage is scary to face. I remember when I was 15 running to a supermarket once to escape one middle-aged man who was really pissed I rejected him for sex and was trying to follow me home. I waited in the store for 20 minutes and when I went outside he was there waiting for me, so I had to run again until he could not find me There is a very very very small minority of men who sadly feel entitled to sex with women who are ugly, they don't see us as human and think we should be grateful for the attention. I am convinced that if I did not have the wits to run to safety he would have forced himself on me.

The worst one I had would come up to me in college, tell me I was a whore, show me all the instagram models he got off to and implied I was so much uglier than them. He would also try and touch me and made jokes about me giving him oral sex. It got really scary when he made rape jokes about me and kept 'coincidently' appearing where I would be throughout the day. I never told him to back off I just kept quiet and dissociate when he would do all this because I feel there's a part in me that blames myself for being an ugly women, so it feels like suitable punishment.

I had another guy in a cafe tell me how he could kill me, he put his fist to my jaw and told me he would knock me out and enjoy watching me sieze on the floor. He said he wanted to 'unpeel' me whatever that means, he kept sayinf sexually suggestive things too. The whole time I could tell he just wanted to hurt a women and even better if he could punish an ugly women just for existing. I tried telling the police but they didn't really want to know.

I want to reitterate that only very few men feel entitled to sex from ugly women (I don't want my point to be misinterpreted) but the thing is, after my experiences, I struggle to feel safe outside. Being a victim to these people makes it feel like a 'loud' minority if that makes sense?

Do they out right ask for sex upfront?

 

[Mocon33]

It's mainly been following/stalking by men after I politely decline sex, which is very scary especially when they are twice your size and try to follow you home/ask where you live. This stuff sadly happens to every women but when i've asked my female friends, who are certainly not ugly, the rate it happens to them is so much lower. I've looked on those 'dating theory' websites and going after ugly women for an easy score is a thing pickup-artists do (all the men have used pick-up techniques on me too, so it adds up). This behaviour should not happen to anyone, but it hurts when you know you are being targeted for your inferior looks, you feel it's your fault. That's not to mention that many of the guys I have encountered in these situations seem insulted that I, an ugly women, won't sleep with them. That kind of rage is scary to face. I remember when I was 15 running to a supermarket once to escape one middle-aged man who was really pissed I rejected him for sex and was trying to follow me home. I waited in the store for 20 minutes and when I went outside he was there waiting for me, so I had to run again until he could not find me There is a very very very small minority of men who sadly feel entitled to sex with women who are ugly, they don't see us as human and think we should be grateful for the attention. I am convinced that if I did not have the wits to run to safety he would have forced himself on me.

The worst one I had would come up to me in college, tell me I was a whore, show me all the instagram models he got off to and implied I was so much uglier than them. He would also try and touch me and made jokes about me giving him oral sex. It got really scary when he made rape jokes about me and kept 'coincidently' appearing where I would be throughout the day. I never told him to back off I just kept quiet and dissociate when he would do all this because I feel there's a part in me that blames myself for being an ugly women, so it feels like suitable punishment.

I had another guy in a cafe tell me how he could kill me, he put his fist to my jaw and told me he would knock me out and enjoy watching me sieze on the floor. He said he wanted to 'unpeel' me whatever that means, he kept sayinf sexually suggestive things too. The whole time I could tell he just wanted to hurt a women and even better if he could punish an ugly women just for existing. I tried telling the police but they didn't really want to know.

I want to reitterate that only very few men feel entitled to sex from ugly women (I don't want my point to be misinterpreted) but the thing is, after my experiences, I struggle to feel safe outside. Being a victim to these people makes it feel like a 'loud' minority if that makes sense?

This is really awful, I had no idea. The consequences for unattractive men are merely rejection, nothing nearly as bad as this.

 

[Kestrel]

I am so sorry. Your story really breaks my heart. They are so cruel and evil. I don't have friends so at least you have friends still. How old are you? That's really scary. You have so much wisdom though. I wish I had this wisdom I actively sought my abusers by being foolish. It shouldn't have took me this long to realize this they target me because of my facial skin damage. I wish I was like you and turned them down. I feel dumb.


I was groomed through porn and sending nudes without realizing I was being preyed upon it made me feel useful and desirable only to look for men online that took advantage of me. I gave my body up so easily it's disgusting to think about how dumb and naive I was. I was extremely foolish I gave a guy a one night stand the worse thing ever.


Anyway please don't blame yourself. It's so sad that they feel entitled to
Your body. It's like they feed off of others pain it's disgusting. Not all men but some are very predatory and some are protectors. Did you feel guilt for not fighting back? I feel guilt for being dumb and seeking out abusers to use me. I wish I knew all this back them and fought back it would have been funny turning them down.


You're so strong and brilliant.

Do they out right ask for sex upfront?

Thank you for your kind words. You are strong and brilliant too, I read a lot of your posts and I hope you feel some peace here.

I don't have those friends or really any close friends anymore sadly. Pre covid I had a few months of actually feeling ok and I made a few friends and asked them about this stuff. Alas it was short lived. I am 19.

I am so sorry that happened to you. Why must people be so cruel? You talk about yourself as being foolish but abuse naturally relies on a power imbalance; you weren't foolish but exploited through no fault of your own. Grooming is horrible i am still recognising the patterns in myself. You can forgive yourself. I have not yet and I see suicide as my personal freedom, but you can make peace with the things you were coerced to do/witness/particpate in.

I feel very guilty for not fighting back more. Very. Especially with my dad when he was inappropriate towards me. You just become still when that happens. You can't really fight back because you know the outcome has already been decided. I don't think you were dumb for what you did, you were exploited. Responsibility falls on those who hurt you. But i understand the guilt feeling follows me a lot.

Most of the time they would approach me and make suggestive comments about my body. Then ask for sex or where I lived so they 'come and meet me'. Sometimes it wasn't so explicit but more just very creepy comments which they would try and get me to engage with them even after I said no.

This is really awful, I had no idea. The consequences for unattractive men are merely rejection, nothing nearly as bad as this.

Yes the double whammy of facing sexism and the stigma of being unattractive is not great. However I am sure its rough for unattractive men. The boys at my school who were considered 'ugly' or 'fat' (I would actually say there was nothing wrong with them but nonetheless they carried that stigma) certainly faced more overtly violent bullying from other boys in comparison to what I recieved. Presuming that doesn't carry on into adult life but that must carry some deep emotional scars. Bit anecdotal ofc.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Thank you for your kind words. You are strong and brilliant too, I read a lot of your posts and I hope you feel some peace here.

I don't have those friends or really any close friends anymore sadly. Pre covid I had a few months of actually feeling ok and I made a few friends and asked them about this stuff. Alas it was short lived. I am 19.

I am so sorry that happened to you. Why must people be so cruel? You talk about yourself as being foolish but abuse naturally relies on a power imbalance; you weren't foolish but exploited through no fault of your own. Grooming is horrible i am still recognising the patterns in myself. You can forgive yourself. I have not yet and I see suicide as my personal freedom, but you can make peace with the things you were coerced to do/witness/particpate in.

I feel very guilty for not fighting back more. Very. Especially with my dad when he was inappropriate towards me. You just become still when that happens. You can't really fight back because you know the outcome has already been decided. I don't think you were dumb for what you did, you were exploited. Responsibility falls on those who hurt you. But i understand the guilt feeling follows me a lot.

Most of the time they would approach me and make suggestive comments about my body. Then ask for sex or where I lived so they 'come and meet me'. Sometimes it wasn't so explicit but more just very creepy comments which they would try and get me to engage with them even after I said no.

Yes the double whammy of facing sexism and the stigma of being unattractive is not great. However I am sure its rough for unattractive men. The boys at my school who were considered 'ugly' or 'fat' (I would actually say there was nothing wrong with them but nonetheless they carried that stigma) certainly faced more overtly violent bullying from other boys in comparison to what I recieved. Presuming that doesn't carry on into adult life but that must carry some deep emotional scars. Bit anecdotal ofc.

To be so young and to recognize this. So can you, why can't you forgive yourself as well? I do understand that situation with your dad must have been severely traumatic.

Im In pain I can't function anymore and I'm stuck with my dad which isn't good . Im numb after so much sexual exploitation unfortunately I didn't have such wisdom just too naive of the abuse I was enduring well I was aware but I didn't know how to fight back I also didn't know anything about the power of sexual energy. I wish this forum was around in my teens it would have saved me pain, I have no life so eventually I have to CTB and not live with the Shame and regret.

 

[PickledPepper]

I know that enough people think I'm beautiful. But, it'll never change how much I hate myself.

 

[Kestrel]

To be so young and to recognize this. So can you, why can't you forgive yourself as well? I do understand that situation with your dad must have been severely traumatic.

Im In pain I can't function anymore and I'm stuck with my dad which isn't good . Im numb after so much sexual exploitation unfortunately I didn't have such wisdom just too naive of the abuse I was enduring well I was aware but I didn't know how to fight back I also didn't know anything about the power of sexual energy. I wish this forum was around in my teens it would have saved me pain, I have no life so eventually I have to CTB and not live with the Shame and regret.

I think I have some kind of OCD (runs in the family) which means even if I could rationally tell myself it wasn't my fault, I will torment myself with very disturbed reasons it was. I get intrusive thoughts a lot no way to stop them. Every day it's just screaming at me 'You deserved what your dad did because you were ugly, he took pity on you because no one else would want you'. It feels horrible to know the only person who would every truely desire you was your own dad. Freudian nightmare I can't wake up from.

I'm tired of being a target because of my uglyness. I just wished I looked normal
I know I will always be disadvantaged because of how I look and I just don't see the point in carrying on when no matter what I achieve it will be overshadowed by my facial deformity. My one true partner who loved me (wasn't attracted to me though which I think hurt the relationship and would hurt any relationship I am in) I pushed her away because i felt so undeserving. I can't have sex or intimacy because everything disgusts me and gives me flashbacks. My partner was a trans-women and I love her still more than anything but it feels so horrible to get flashbacks to your dads penis when you try and have sex with your partner. I used to dissociate when she kissed me because of my dad's actions. I don't want my body to be loved by anyone. But life feels empty without someone.

I wish I looked normal it's tiring comparing yourself to every girl - all of which look completly normal and feminine. I feel God made me a monster on purpose, i feel sorry people have to look at me. I hit my body and my face a lot with sharp screwdrivers because I feel the need to punish myself.

On the surface everyone thinks I am sane and yes i should be happy, place at my dream university everyone thinks I enjoy life. But you get to a point where you know that what you achieve means nothing, my inability to form normal relationships, have a normal life and just have peace in my mind will torment me to the day I die. The shorter that time is the better.

I feel ashamed to exist. Breathing hurts because I am reminded I breathe through my deformed mouth. I don't enjoy even going out and birdwatching, what was my favourite hobby. Because I am reminded I have eyes that are so inhuman every time I use them. I don't like being outside it's an exposure. Living is an exposure. I want to claw my way out of this body.

 

[uglylonely]

If you've been ugly or even average you are probably already too familiar with the feeling. The feeling that you'll never be loved for who you are, you'll never be loved the way an attractive person is.
No one will fall in love at first sight with you.
You will always be struggling to prove your worth, but failing miserably in the process.
You will never feel the security that you can always find a romantic partner whenever you wish.
You will always have to be the initiator, the one who has to risk rejections to have any chance at finding love.
You will never be anyone's first choice, the one that girls chase after at all costs.
You will never experience a memorable teenage love as intense as a raging fire.
You will never know what a mutual crush feels like, only the emptiness of unrequited love.
You will never be free from the loneliness that devours all hope, leaving death the only way out.
And worst of all, you will be trapped in the flesh prison, doing a life sentence for a crime that you did not commit.

completely relate. look we almost have the same username!

 

[come to dust]

If you've been ugly or even average you are probably already too familiar with the feeling. The feeling that you'll never be loved for who you are, you'll never be loved the way an attractive person is.
No one will fall in love at first sight with you.
You will always be struggling to prove your worth, but failing miserably in the process.
You will never feel the security that you can always find a romantic partner whenever you wish.
You will always have to be the initiator, the one who has to risk rejections to have any chance at finding love.
You will never be anyone's first choice, the one that girls chase after at all costs.
You will never experience a memorable teenage love as intense as a raging fire.
You will never know what a mutual crush feels like, only the emptiness of unrequited love.
You will never be free from the loneliness that devours all hope, leaving death the only way out.
And worst of all, you will be trapped in the flesh prison, doing a life sentence for a crime that you did not commit.

I hate that i missed out on teen love.

 

[SantaTeresa]

Do you want to know how ugly people think you are? Disappoint them and watch them react.

Even a lying double faced witch of a mother will admit how ashamed she is for giving birth to a defectuous thing, if you push her buttons correctly. No beauty exists besides objective attractiveness., it is quite depressing.

 

[DesireDeath]

@lonelyuglyguy44 unless you are a model, and/or very wealthy/famous, you will have to initiate with females almost all the time. Just how things work. Even well above average guys have to chase girls.

Also, I don't know how a mutual crush would work. Is that two people who are attracted to one another, but neither knows the other one likes them? Sounds like something out of a movie/book. If you like someone, just go for it and talk to them. Worst that can happen is they're not interested. But you never know...

I have seen the opposite with attractive guys, even those who were just a little above average and even experienced positive reactions from girls on the street, before my face turned very ugly.

 

[Sakura94]

is there a lack of space on this forum or something. I keep seeing old threads bumped rather than new started ? Like this thread could easily be made again. Shouldn't they lock after a time?
This one is ok but suicide forum maybe not so good.