being ugly isn't just about looks. it's about how the world treats you. how you become both invisible and hypervisible at the same time. no one sees ME but everyone notices the ugly girl in the room. i'm not a person with thoughts and feelings. i'm just a category.
went to the store yesterday and the cashier didn't look at me once. not once. scanned my items looking at the screen, handed me my receipt looking at the counter. happens all the time but still hurts every time. then watched her chat and laugh with the pretty girl behind me in line.
sometimes i think about how much mental energy i waste every day just trying to be less noticeable. spent 45 minutes this morning trying on different hoodies to figure out which one hides me best. planning my route to class to avoid the main quad where everyone hangs out. calculating which seat in the lecture hall means the fewest people have to look at me.
it's exhausting.
used to think i was just average. not pretty but not ugly. then i started paying attention to how people treat actual average-looking girls and realized nope. i'm at the bottom. the way people leave the empty seat next to me even on a crowded bus. the little grimace when someone has to take my photo for id cards or whatever. the way my voice gets ignored in group discussions until someone prettier repeats exactly what i said. i'm not imagining it.
my mom keeps saying it's all in my head. that i'm "beautiful in my own way" whatever the fuck that means. easy for her to say. shes normal looking. i
hate mirrors but can't stop looking. it's like picking at a scab. spent 2 hours last night just staring. pulling at my face. trying to figure out what would need to change for people to see me as human. my nose? my eyes? my skin? all of it? nothing? sometimes i go days without looking in mirrors because i can't handle it. brush my teeth looking at the sink. do my hair by feel. shower with my eyes closed.
the worst part is when people pretend it doesn't matter. "looks aren't everything" "it's what's inside that counts" easy bullshit from pretty people who've never had to test that theory. humans are the most selfish and lookist creatures.
i wonder what it would be like to wake up and just... exist. without this constant awareness. without planning every movement, every outfit, every word to avoid drawing attention. what would i do with all that mental space? who could i have been if i wasn't trapped in this body that everyone decided was worthless?
went to the store yesterday and the cashier didn't look at me once. not once. scanned my items looking at the screen, handed me my receipt looking at the counter. happens all the time but still hurts every time. then watched her chat and laugh with the pretty girl behind me in line.
sometimes i think about how much mental energy i waste every day just trying to be less noticeable. spent 45 minutes this morning trying on different hoodies to figure out which one hides me best. planning my route to class to avoid the main quad where everyone hangs out. calculating which seat in the lecture hall means the fewest people have to look at me.
it's exhausting.
used to think i was just average. not pretty but not ugly. then i started paying attention to how people treat actual average-looking girls and realized nope. i'm at the bottom. the way people leave the empty seat next to me even on a crowded bus. the little grimace when someone has to take my photo for id cards or whatever. the way my voice gets ignored in group discussions until someone prettier repeats exactly what i said. i'm not imagining it.
my mom keeps saying it's all in my head. that i'm "beautiful in my own way" whatever the fuck that means. easy for her to say. shes normal looking. i
hate mirrors but can't stop looking. it's like picking at a scab. spent 2 hours last night just staring. pulling at my face. trying to figure out what would need to change for people to see me as human. my nose? my eyes? my skin? all of it? nothing? sometimes i go days without looking in mirrors because i can't handle it. brush my teeth looking at the sink. do my hair by feel. shower with my eyes closed.
the worst part is when people pretend it doesn't matter. "looks aren't everything" "it's what's inside that counts" easy bullshit from pretty people who've never had to test that theory. humans are the most selfish and lookist creatures.
i wonder what it would be like to wake up and just... exist. without this constant awareness. without planning every movement, every outfit, every word to avoid drawing attention. what would i do with all that mental space? who could i have been if i wasn't trapped in this body that everyone decided was worthless?
