outerspaceangel999
be forever with my poison arms around you
- Jun 15, 2024
- 97
A few months ago, I genuinely thought I was getting better and maybe I could leave my depressed, suicidal self in the past. I might now be the most miserable I have ever been, without even having any reason to be. My life is arguably much better than it was before, I have more friends, I go out more, I actually get to experience and create memories, but I've just been so incredibly sad and anxious for the past months that I can't see myself getting out of this place. It's not the first time I feel or act the way I do now but it's never been so intense. I can't get out of bed, I struggle to eat, I always show up late or looking like a zombie. I've been getting distant from my friends without even wanting to and it feels like they'll never let me back in (and I acknowledge it is 100% my fault). The ones that haven't left are starting to get worried, and I truly appreciate them so much for caring about me enough for this but I also feel extremely guilty because every time they ask, I cannot think of a single thing that would make it better, nor can I really tell them a good reason why I feel so low.
Of course I know that spiraling over the same feelings over and over won't make me any happier, but I get tired of telling myself it's gonna be better tomorrow, or it'll be okay soon. I also know that I need to make changes to my life to ever feel better but I feel like I'm already too exhausted to ever achieve it. Sometimes, most of the time, I wish I could just make the world go quiet. There are so many things I've loved or still love about being alive but it is so outweighed by the pain of just having to wake up and go on everyday pretending I'm not falling apart. I don't wanna leave my friends and family behind, but it's getting to a point where I'm genuinely so fucking ashamed of being the way I am in their presence. I don't wanna be the friend you have to constantly worry about or the daughter you have to beg to get help without even really knowing what's going on. I don't wanna be the person whose place holds more trash than actual belongings. I keep trying to weigh my options and I never really know if the worst is to be that person and risk staying that way for a long time, or give up now and just stay that person in their memories.
I feel so scared trying to figure this out and I'm just destroying myself in the meantime. I get high as often as I can and then I get scared to die again. It's so conflicting because I'm never sure I'll be able to get over it when the time comes. Is everyone a little scared of the moment it actually ends or does this mean it's just not something I'm ready to put myself through voluntarily? I don't think I'll ever find out or be there to know, but I think about it a lot anyway.
I've been considering CTB soon. Not sure if I wanna try ODing or if maybe jumping would be best for me. Both ways, I still have a lot of thinking to do, but I think most of us know how conflicting planning this can be. I guess a part of me still hope I'll get better and actually get to live a few more years, if that's in the cards for me.
Sorry for the long rant, I just have a lot on my mind. I thought posting this here could maybe help me a bit without having to worry anyone close to me. Thank you to anyone who's read this through, I hope it somehow gets better for the both of us.
Of course I know that spiraling over the same feelings over and over won't make me any happier, but I get tired of telling myself it's gonna be better tomorrow, or it'll be okay soon. I also know that I need to make changes to my life to ever feel better but I feel like I'm already too exhausted to ever achieve it. Sometimes, most of the time, I wish I could just make the world go quiet. There are so many things I've loved or still love about being alive but it is so outweighed by the pain of just having to wake up and go on everyday pretending I'm not falling apart. I don't wanna leave my friends and family behind, but it's getting to a point where I'm genuinely so fucking ashamed of being the way I am in their presence. I don't wanna be the friend you have to constantly worry about or the daughter you have to beg to get help without even really knowing what's going on. I don't wanna be the person whose place holds more trash than actual belongings. I keep trying to weigh my options and I never really know if the worst is to be that person and risk staying that way for a long time, or give up now and just stay that person in their memories.
I feel so scared trying to figure this out and I'm just destroying myself in the meantime. I get high as often as I can and then I get scared to die again. It's so conflicting because I'm never sure I'll be able to get over it when the time comes. Is everyone a little scared of the moment it actually ends or does this mean it's just not something I'm ready to put myself through voluntarily? I don't think I'll ever find out or be there to know, but I think about it a lot anyway.
I've been considering CTB soon. Not sure if I wanna try ODing or if maybe jumping would be best for me. Both ways, I still have a lot of thinking to do, but I think most of us know how conflicting planning this can be. I guess a part of me still hope I'll get better and actually get to live a few more years, if that's in the cards for me.
Sorry for the long rant, I just have a lot on my mind. I thought posting this here could maybe help me a bit without having to worry anyone close to me. Thank you to anyone who's read this through, I hope it somehow gets better for the both of us.
