I considered to go to an escort in the past because I craved intimacy so much. Currently these thoughts are gone. I think I had ethical issues with it. And for now my concern what this would tell about myself overweigh. But if this stopped me from suicide I woud consider it. But a part of me would be disgusted by me I think.
I have a very neurodiverse friend group. With many men who never had sex despite our age. There is one person who is in a longterm relationship and I appreciate a lot he doesn't see this as status symbol. I think too much about status symbols even though I dont have that many. But I told my friends I wish I were more like you in many instances. And that I prefered I would not be like me. Often I search for people who are not like me. Because people like me are often careerists and self-centered.
I have one college friend who has a different attitude to sex. He is a few years younger than me. But he is quite experienced when it comes to relationship. And I think he finds it weird that I barely talk about sex with him. I think he sees sex as status symbol. I think he finds it weird I barely talk about sex with him. I ask myself the same question. With my other friends we do many sex jokes.
I think one argument is true the fact he is far more experienced makes me insecure. I think this is a fact. But there is another fact and I talked with my friends about these stories of him. I find some attitudes he has towards sex sort of disgusting. Something I considered really disgusting. He acted towards one woman he had a relationship with as if he could see a future with her. (in order to have sex with her). And later he told her he could not imagine a future with her. And well I judge that pretty badly. This really stunned me. He is very leftwing and sort of is proud of his wokeness.
Though, the following story bothered me. So he had a crush on a transman. But he told me for him only the biological sex matters and she sees that person as woman. I think he felt embarrassed to me when telling me he had a crush on a trans man.
I told him I once was in a clinic and a really really amazing woman had a crush on me. Which was also true she was completely my type. She had borderline and she couldn't control her life, took way too many drugs. She also attempted suicide before I met her. I think I didn't tell him that though. And I told him she wanted to be in a relationship with me. And he acted really weird I didn't agree to this. And he couldn't resist if he would have been me. And honestly I don't want to think like that or be like that. It was obvious he only would have agreed to have sex with her. I met so many women who experienced sexual traumata. I don't feel comfortable imagining me like that. It would have felt like exploiting her.
For him dating women also means having sex with them. Maybe this is the better attitude. I would also not say no. Though, usually I think I only would like to have sex if I honestly liked that person. I think the liberal, autistic woman who did so many drugs slept with many many peope she dated. We had two dates. And the second date was a disaster where a friend of her insulted me. Honestly, I think I realized she looked down at me. And I would not have felt safe sleeping with her. I mean this also comes with making yourself vulnerable. Maybe I have the wrong approach. It also could have boosted my self-confidence and making new experiences can change one's perspective to life. But honeslty it felt like I had to give up my dignitiy if I agreed to this deal.
I talk with my college friend about women. His girlfriend just left him. And I dated a woman and it became really sexual. I said we in in a sort of relationship. I hate the notion to never have been in a relationship. And me in this woman said we are doing things only couple do and it feels like we were in a relationship. The whole thing collapsed pretty fast when I realized she had borderline and she ghosted me in a very weird way. I hinted some things about my relationship with her. I told him she wanted me to tell him she had a degree in sex education. She was teacher and she left hints to students she had 5 piercings but only 3 of them were visible. Which ended in the fact her students interrogated her frequently about her sex life.
We masturbated together in livestreams quite frequently to that time. And honestly I think this was sort of dangerous when you hear about sextortion stories. But it would have a really inefficient scheme. She sent me many, many nudes. We met us one time. I fingered her and she took my penis in her mouth. I am not sure whether this counts as having had sex. Or whether I am still virgin I suspect the latter. She often told me how wet she becomes talking to me. And she let me feel it. We had only one date though. It was an amazing time for me. And I wish we would have had sex. To take that from my bucket list. But it was more important for me to respect her boundaries. Respecting boundaries is very important for my identity I think. Maybe it makes me too cautious. I asked her for consent before any step. But she acted weird after we were intimate and cut herself. My theory was the emotional closeness was a little bit too much for her. There was a time we texted like from morning to the night. I think I wasn't this close to anyone except my family my whole life.
Honestly, I don't think I should blame me. I asked her whether I did something wrong. And she denied that. She was pretty mad at me because I gave her a gift at our first date. I thought later maybe she felt bribed to become sexual with me. I asked her about that and she denied that and told me she only thought maybe she didn't deserve it. At the last day of our date she started to depreciate me I think. She made fun of me and called me stupid. I think she started to lie she would not have time left and she was really busy with school stuff. Later she told me that all the time and when we had contact she sort of insulted me.
After her very weird period of ghosting me many stories she told me made a lot sense to me. She had sex with many many people. And was sexual with even more people. Later she also told me that the step we did was nothing for her. I think she suspected I didn't regret not having persuaded her to have sex with me. But I didn't regret that. I asked her whether we want to have sex that day. And she told me no. And I just accepted that. I wouldn't have felt comfortable trying to sway her opinion. Prior to the date she also told me it is very rare she has sex with someone on the first day. We discussed once in conversation whether we consider ourselves good people. And she told me she did really really fucked up shit in her life. But she didn't want to elaborate on it. And honestly she talked pejoratively about all the people she dated and always blamed all of them for 100% that the relationship failed. I even asked that explicitly because I thought such a smart woman had to realize the thinking fallacy. Ironically I had the feeling the men who sounded the most toxic were the men with whom she had longer contact.
Maybe it says something about me that I started this rambling. Maybe I told this due to my insecurity. Though, I also want feedback from chatbots about this. And I wanted to tell this story in detail so that others don't think of me I would be abusive or wouldn't respect boundaries.
I have a very neurodiverse friend group. With many men who never had sex despite our age. There is one person who is in a longterm relationship and I appreciate a lot he doesn't see this as status symbol. I think too much about status symbols even though I dont have that many. But I told my friends I wish I were more like you in many instances. And that I prefered I would not be like me. Often I search for people who are not like me. Because people like me are often careerists and self-centered.
I have one college friend who has a different attitude to sex. He is a few years younger than me. But he is quite experienced when it comes to relationship. And I think he finds it weird that I barely talk about sex with him. I think he sees sex as status symbol. I think he finds it weird I barely talk about sex with him. I ask myself the same question. With my other friends we do many sex jokes.
I think one argument is true the fact he is far more experienced makes me insecure. I think this is a fact. But there is another fact and I talked with my friends about these stories of him. I find some attitudes he has towards sex sort of disgusting. Something I considered really disgusting. He acted towards one woman he had a relationship with as if he could see a future with her. (in order to have sex with her). And later he told her he could not imagine a future with her. And well I judge that pretty badly. This really stunned me. He is very leftwing and sort of is proud of his wokeness.
Though, the following story bothered me. So he had a crush on a transman. But he told me for him only the biological sex matters and she sees that person as woman. I think he felt embarrassed to me when telling me he had a crush on a trans man.
I told him I once was in a clinic and a really really amazing woman had a crush on me. Which was also true she was completely my type. She had borderline and she couldn't control her life, took way too many drugs. She also attempted suicide before I met her. I think I didn't tell him that though. And I told him she wanted to be in a relationship with me. And he acted really weird I didn't agree to this. And he couldn't resist if he would have been me. And honestly I don't want to think like that or be like that. It was obvious he only would have agreed to have sex with her. I met so many women who experienced sexual traumata. I don't feel comfortable imagining me like that. It would have felt like exploiting her.
For him dating women also means having sex with them. Maybe this is the better attitude. I would also not say no. Though, usually I think I only would like to have sex if I honestly liked that person. I think the liberal, autistic woman who did so many drugs slept with many many peope she dated. We had two dates. And the second date was a disaster where a friend of her insulted me. Honestly, I think I realized she looked down at me. And I would not have felt safe sleeping with her. I mean this also comes with making yourself vulnerable. Maybe I have the wrong approach. It also could have boosted my self-confidence and making new experiences can change one's perspective to life. But honeslty it felt like I had to give up my dignitiy if I agreed to this deal.
I talk with my college friend about women. His girlfriend just left him. And I dated a woman and it became really sexual. I said we in in a sort of relationship. I hate the notion to never have been in a relationship. And me in this woman said we are doing things only couple do and it feels like we were in a relationship. The whole thing collapsed pretty fast when I realized she had borderline and she ghosted me in a very weird way. I hinted some things about my relationship with her. I told him she wanted me to tell him she had a degree in sex education. She was teacher and she left hints to students she had 5 piercings but only 3 of them were visible. Which ended in the fact her students interrogated her frequently about her sex life.
We masturbated together in livestreams quite frequently to that time. And honestly I think this was sort of dangerous when you hear about sextortion stories. But it would have a really inefficient scheme. She sent me many, many nudes. We met us one time. I fingered her and she took my penis in her mouth. I am not sure whether this counts as having had sex. Or whether I am still virgin I suspect the latter. She often told me how wet she becomes talking to me. And she let me feel it. We had only one date though. It was an amazing time for me. And I wish we would have had sex. To take that from my bucket list. But it was more important for me to respect her boundaries. Respecting boundaries is very important for my identity I think. Maybe it makes me too cautious. I asked her for consent before any step. But she acted weird after we were intimate and cut herself. My theory was the emotional closeness was a little bit too much for her. There was a time we texted like from morning to the night. I think I wasn't this close to anyone except my family my whole life.
Honestly, I don't think I should blame me. I asked her whether I did something wrong. And she denied that. She was pretty mad at me because I gave her a gift at our first date. I thought later maybe she felt bribed to become sexual with me. I asked her about that and she denied that and told me she only thought maybe she didn't deserve it. At the last day of our date she started to depreciate me I think. She made fun of me and called me stupid. I think she started to lie she would not have time left and she was really busy with school stuff. Later she told me that all the time and when we had contact she sort of insulted me.
After her very weird period of ghosting me many stories she told me made a lot sense to me. She had sex with many many people. And was sexual with even more people. Later she also told me that the step we did was nothing for her. I think she suspected I didn't regret not having persuaded her to have sex with me. But I didn't regret that. I asked her whether we want to have sex that day. And she told me no. And I just accepted that. I wouldn't have felt comfortable trying to sway her opinion. Prior to the date she also told me it is very rare she has sex with someone on the first day. We discussed once in conversation whether we consider ourselves good people. And she told me she did really really fucked up shit in her life. But she didn't want to elaborate on it. And honestly she talked pejoratively about all the people she dated and always blamed all of them for 100% that the relationship failed. I even asked that explicitly because I thought such a smart woman had to realize the thinking fallacy. Ironically I had the feeling the men who sounded the most toxic were the men with whom she had longer contact.
Maybe it says something about me that I started this rambling. Maybe I told this due to my insecurity. Though, I also want feedback from chatbots about this. And I wanted to tell this story in detail so that others don't think of me I would be abusive or wouldn't respect boundaries.
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