Story Suicide note to my therapist and pro-lifers

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Wow, so beautifully written. My respects go out to you madam.
You are my spirit animal. Can I quote you on my own suicide note? Jk. Everything you've said and beyond are the reasons I'm ctb. Most of the time people only gaslight you and I feel like ppl really don't care. I'm honestly tired of humanity and I knew well that those idiots who think we don't try hard enough haven't experienced the degree of suffering some of us have experienced. Thank you and you should consider putting this on reddit, those idiots are fucking clueless. I hate prolifers and their false positivity.

Thanks, I'm not a madam though, I'm a guy.

And well yeah, didn't you know that normies have all the answers? They offer dirty bandaids to third degree burn victims and then pat themselves on the back thinking that they helped. I guess the burn victim wouldn't have died from a multitude of festering infections if he had just deep breathed harder!

I'd put it on reddit but frankly I don't know what part of it as that site is mostly full of censorship anyways and I'm paranoid of being caught even with Tor, VPN, etc.

 

[peacechoice]

Thanks, I'm not a madam though, I'm a guy.

And well yeah, didn't you know that normies have all the answers? They offer dirty bandaids to third degree burn victims and then pat themselves on the back thinking that they helped. I guess the burn victim wouldn't have died from a multitude of festering infections if he had just deep breathed harder!

I'd put it on reddit but frankly I don't know what part of it as that site is mostly full of censorship anyways and I'm paranoid of being caught even with Tor, VPN, etc.

Okay, gotcha and sorry mister. You are truly an admirable human being, I bet that no one will see this coming. I want you to know that I understand you completely! Regarding that one quote about helping a homeless person, I'm a sucker for this because while most ppl think that they're there because they willingly choose to be there, no one thinks that they are there because ppl are idiots who don't want to be bothered with helping others if it inconveniences them.

Okay, gotcha and sorry mister. You are truly an admirable human being, I bet that no one will see this coming. I want you to know that I understand you completely! Regarding that one quote about helping a homeless person, I'm a sucker for this because while most ppl think that they're there because they willingly choose to be there, no one thinks that they are there because ppl are idiots who don't want to be bothered with helping others if it inconveniences them.

I want you to know that those types of people- the caring ones do exist. However, we are probably as broken as you are.

 

[Miss_Takes]

I'm ending my life by the end of the week and figured I'd post my suicide note to my therapist on here. It has quotes at the end of it from various members on here, from Reddit, and from various books. I don't expect anyone to read it and I don't expect any pro lifer to learn anything from it either but I think some of you will like the quotes at the end of it at least.

I used protonmail, delayed email, Tor, and a VPN for privacy. I'll be crossing my name out the day before I leave and hopefully nothing will go wrong(method is SN). Thanks for all the insightful quotes from SS particularly the ones from @purplemoon and thanks to this site I managed to meet at least one good person before I died.

Suicide note: It might require a copy-paste to work

Penzu

Free personal journal and online diary.

penzu.com

Thank you.

In your letter I hear the thoughts and ideas that have seen me arrive at this site with my head bowed and my heart in pieces.
Even as I sat on my kitchen floor recently, silently wailing in despair, I had delusions that I had the solutions somewhere because I am one of those who 'fixes' and 'cares for'.
I am a therapist, or at least I was, until I walked out of my job 2 years ago in personal crisis because I no longer believed in the ability of therapy to help anyone. I have both observed and experienced the ugly carelessness and disregard for humanity with which therapy is so indescriminately and condescendingly applied.
I could ramble on and on about so much of what is wrong with the system and this world but I would of course be preaching to the converted here and your letter expresses it better than my addled ramblings ever could.
I am tempted but instead let me shut my gob and just say ...
Thank you.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Thank you.

In your letter I hear the thoughts and ideas that have seen me arrive at this site with my head bowed and my heart in pieces.
Even as I sat on my kitchen floor recently, silently wailing in despair, I had delusions that I had the solutions somewhere because I am one of those who 'fixes' and 'cares for'.
I am a therapist, or at least I was, until I walked out of my job 2 years ago in personal crisis because I no longer believed in the ability of therapy to help anyone. I have both observed and experienced the ugly carelessness and disregard for humanity with which therapy is so indescriminately and condescendingly applied.
I could ramble on and on about so much of what is wrong with the system and this world but I would of course be preaching to the converted here and your letter expresses it better than my addled ramblings ever could.
I am tempted but instead let me shut my gob and just say ...
Thank you.

I think therapy does help some people but it's often the people who don't need therapy in the first place if that makes sense. The things that are most likely to help those with severe problems like on this website are often unavailable to them because of money or because they are illegal (MDMA, psychedelics), I think even talk therapy can be helpful to a point but it doesn't work in the slightest when the other person is validly seen as a constant threat and will subject their client to torture & cruelty when bringing up suicide. Someone that instills fear into another person can never realistically help them; that's why therapy often fails before it even begins.

For me therapy ended up being just another place where I had to bottle up what I felt just like I had to in my abusive household. Even with my last therapist when I tried to be more open about what I felt about society, humans, etc to the point my hands and legs were shaking; all I ended up getting was the lazy & irresponsible approach of a wellness interrogation which alienated me so much to the point I ended up crying. I don't expect any therapist to actually care, but at the bare minimum I expect to be treated like a person, not a inanimate object and this is coming from someone who's extremely emotionally withdrawn from a lifetime of trauma. If therapy can alienate someone like me this much then I can only imagine that it's that much worse for people who are more emotionally "normal" than I am for lack of a better phrase, Well, enough rambling I suppose.

I also don't know what I did but you're welcome. Also, I don't think you should blame yourself, it's society that fails people like me and doesn't even give many of us a chance.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Bump.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I'm ending my life by the end of the week and figured I'd post my suicide note to my therapist on here. It has quotes at the end of it from various members on here, from Reddit, and from various books. I don't expect anyone to read it and I don't expect any pro lifer to learn anything from it either but I think some of you will like the quotes at the end of it at least.

I used protonmail, delayed email, Tor, and a VPN for privacy. I'll be crossing my name out the day before I leave and hopefully nothing will go wrong(method is SN). Thanks for all the insightful quotes from SS particularly the ones from @purplemoon and thanks to this site I managed to meet at least one good person before I died.

Suicide note: It might require a copy-paste to work

Penzu

Free personal journal and online diary.

penzu.com

There is only one phrase in my native language, Chinese, I'd use to describe how well-articulated and profound this piece is.

一针见血

Roughly translates to hitting the nail on the head and getting exactly to the point.

 

[justpeachy]

I think it's very well written but not going to lie, definitely made me feel pretty shitty as a therapist/mental health professional. I think that a lot of very by the book therapists are what you describe but there are a lot of us that aren't either and I can tell you that out of all my friends that are therapists we all have trauma, mental illness, and other issues that we just tend to hide better than others. I mean I am here aren't I? I can assure you I am not here because I want to change anyones mind or want to do therapy on anyone. I have more then enough clients and work and don't need to troll suicide forums for them (Just putting that out there in case someone tries to state that's the reason I am here). Anyway, I do agree with a large majority of what you say and I find it incredibly sad and a real testament to the large majority of the profession that many feel this way. My most recent job was doing assessments on a mobile crisis team for sectioning and I was one of the few (not the only by any means) of us (I lived in a state where not anyone can do sectioning. Only we can, you must be designated by the state. Therapists cannot do it, doctors can't, police can't. I think this model is honestly really beneficial as most of them want to invol ppl for reasons that are not legally or morally sound.) People have rights. They can deny treatments even if that means death. If they are a consenting sound minded adult then it's not my job or place to invol you. Anyway, kind of rambling. I just wanted you to know that we're not all bad and that some of us are really struggling too everyday.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I think it's very well written but not going to lie, definitely made me feel pretty shitty as a therapist/mental health professional. I think that a lot of very by the book therapists are what you describe but there are a lot of us that aren't either and I can tell you that out of all my friends that are therapists we all have trauma, mental illness, and other issues that we just tend to hide better than others. I mean I am here aren't I? I can assure you I am not here because I want to change anyones mind or want to do therapy on anyone. I have more then enough clients and work and don't need to troll suicide forums for them (Just putting that out there in case someone tries to state that's the reason I am here). Anyway, I do agree with a large majority of what you say and I find it incredibly sad and a real testament to the large majority of the profession that many feel this way. My most recent job was doing assessments on a mobile crisis team for sectioning and I was one of the few (not the only by any means) of us (I lived in a state where not anyone can do sectioning. Only we can, you must be designated by the state. Therapists cannot do it, doctors can't, police can't. I think this model is honestly really beneficial as most of them want to invol ppl for reasons that are not legally or morally sound.) People have rights. They can deny treatments even if that means death. If they are a consenting sound minded adult then it's not my job or place to invol you. Anyway, kind of rambling. I just wanted you to know that we're not all bad and that some of us are really struggling too everyday.

I don't think a suicide letter is suppose to make anyone feel nice and being anything other than brutally honest in my suicide note would be disrespectful to myself. I doubt either of my previous therapists will bother to read this anyways or care enough to change their ways.

I'm aware there are exceptions to the rule but they seem far and few between, I've only come across morally sound therapists on here and on Reddit but even then it's pretty rare. I do know that some have dealt with their own things but it doesn't always translate into understanding or having a good moral compass. I've read some really nice stories of peoples experiences with a few of the genuinely good ones but a majority come off as vain, ignorant, and downright harmful. I don't think most people like on this website have experiences with the former from what I've seen and it's one of the main reasons why I never went back.

That particular way of sectioning does seem far better but I think it still falls short because it has very much the same problems which is defining what "of sound mind" actually is. It's still subject to the whims of personal bias & a therapist using the DSM to discredit someone as being insane.

Anyways, thanks for the input.



I'll be adding this quote from another forum member on here to my real note, I think it's one of the best ones.

I used to think that suicide prevention was just another case of good intentions gone too far. That people really did care about those that wanted to die. That they did in fact want what was best for us and simply didn't understand that in some cases, they were doing nothing but prolonging a miserable existence.

And yeah, people are sympathetic, to an extent, to those who are suicidal. Nobody likes seeing someone in so much pain that they would rather die than keep living, but what are they actually willing to do to care for the people in such misery? Not much.

That's why suicide prohibitions and the current paradigm of mental healthcare in general are so convenient for everyone else. Despite claiming to follow the biopsychosocial model of mental health, clinical psychiatry/psychology pretty much leaves the -social part unaddressed and almost unacknowledged. Everyone is perfectly content to pretend that all issues of mental health are a matter of pathology. "Oh it's no problem that you can barely afford to pay your bills. That you've been isolated and ostracized, if not outright abused, for most of your life. There's just a problem with your brain chemistry, here's some pills. Go to some therapy because you clearly need to learn better coping skills."

The nice thing about painting our problems as individual defects or deficiencies, is that the onus is now completely on us to make our lives more livable. If they accepted that people are often driven to suicide by external pressures, that some people actually can't make it on their own, then they would have to make more tangible efforts to support those who are in need. Or they would have to admit that their honest attitude is, "Yeah we'd love for you to be living a satisfying life, but if enabling you to do so requires anything from us, well then fuck off."

Refusing to allow people to freely kill themselves allows the rest of society to feel like they're supporting suicidal people without having to assume any of the burden of those lives. And they know it isn't going to be enough for everyone. That is made abundantly clear by the thousands of people who kill themselves every year despite how difficult they've made it to commit suicide. But when those people inevitably fall through the cracks, everyone will just pat themselves on the back and tell themselves, "We did everything we could to keep them from dying." Yeah, but you did fuck all to give any of us a life worth living.

 

[justpeachy]

I don't think a suicide letter is suppose to make anyone feel nice and being anything other than brutally honest in my suicide note would be disrespectful to myself. I doubt either of my previous therapists will bother to read this anyways or care enough to change their ways.

I'm aware there are exceptions to the rule but they seem far and few between, I've only come across morally sound therapists on here and on your Reddit but even then it's pretty rare. I do know that some have dealt with their own things but it doesn't always translate into understanding or having a good moral compass. I've read some really nice stories of peoples experiences with a few of the genuinely good ones but a majority come off as vain, ignorant, and downright harmful. I don't think most people like on this website have experiences with the former from what I've seen and it's one of the main reasons why I never went back.

That particular way of sectioning does seem far better but I think it still falls short because it has very much the same problems which is defining what "of sound mind" actually is. It's still subject to the whims of personal bias & a therapist using the DSM to discredit someone as being insane.

Anyways, thanks for the input.



I'll be adding this quote from another forum member on here to my real note, I think it's one of the best ones.

Sound mind is actually a medical term and has nothing to do with mental illness. It's determining that you are a consenting adult that can make choices for yourself and understand that choice. Meaning you aren't an adult with major neurological issues that is mentally impaired and does not fully understand what completing suicide is. It has nothing to do with the DSM. Just like a child, if an adult that is mentally impaired and perhaps functions at a 3rd grade level, should we just allow them to end their life by taking N? What if they can't tell you what N is and what it does? What if they think it just makes you sleep? But then you wake up as that's how they understand it. It's more complex than just this but when I said sound mind I didn't mean anything to do with mental health. I hope that clarifies this.

 

[LittleJem]

@EmbraceOfTheVoid your words are so powerful. I hope it's okay to say I am sending you love. The extent of your suffering and how long you have endured it for takes great strength and I agree with you wholeheartedly. No-one should be made to suffer in this way against their will. There is so much in what you wrote that is so powerful. I hope you don't mind me copying and repasting the below from your words. I have entirely lost any religion I ever had, but to your words I say amen:

People who do not understand us and ignore us have no right to speak for us or decide anything for suicidal people. I am not obligated to live a lifetime of suffering for anything or anyone and especially not for delusional people who don't care about anything other than pushing their personal agendas.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Sound mind is actually a medical term and has nothing to do with mental illness. It's determining that you are a consenting adult that can make choices for yourself and understand that choice. Meaning you aren't an adult with major neurological issues that is mentally impaired and does not fully understand what completing suicide is. It has nothing to do with the DSM. Just like a child, if an adult that is mentally impaired and perhaps functions at a 3rd grade level, should we just allow them to end their life by taking N? What if they can't tell you what N is and what it does? What if they think it just makes you sleep? But then you wake up as that's how they understand it. It's more complex than just this but when I said sound mind I didn't mean anything to do with mental health. I hope that clarifies this.

It does clarify things, but I still don't agree with it since phrases like mentally impaired end up being open to interpretation. If someone had Alzheimer's with debilitating symptoms and no quality of life; would they be stopped from committing suicide? Will that person have to continue suffering the rest of their life because someone else decided that for them?

Another example would be Schizophrenics, if one was psychotic most of the time but had a moment of lucidity and realized how terrible their life is, would they be stopped from committing suicide?

I'm going to have to find the video but a Harvard professor stated that a majority of Schizophrenics commit suicide while lucid, that's why I brought it up. I have to agree with Thomas Szasz on this one and nothing less than the abolition of involuntary commitment is good enough. It has to be voluntary without the use of force to be humane. The criteria for deciding which people end up imprisoned when no crime has been committed is essentially like throwing the middle finger at human rights. This is coming from someone that hates humanity by the way.

@EmbraceOfTheVoid your words are so powerful. I hope it's okay to say I am sending you love. The extent of your suffering and how long you have endured it for takes great strength and I agree with you wholeheartedly. No-one should be made to suffer in this way against their will. There is so much in what you wrote that is so powerful. I hope you don't mind me copying and repasting the below from your words. I have entirely lost any religion I ever had, but to your words I say amen:

People who do not understand us and ignore us have no right to speak for us or decide anything for suicidal people. I am not obligated to live a lifetime of suffering for anything or anyone and especially not for delusional people who don't care about anything other than pushing their personal agendas.

Thanks for the encouraging words, you can use it however you like. A good portion of the quotes on there are from forum members on here anyways. I must be getting close to ctb if someone decided to quote me of all people.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Really hope I can leave in the next few weeks.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

bump

 

[gtrfvr]

I'm ending my life by the end of the week and figured I'd post my suicide note to my therapist on here. It has quotes at the end of it from various members on here, from Reddit, and from various books. I don't expect anyone to read it and I don't expect any pro lifer to learn anything from it either but I think some of you will like the quotes at the end of it at least.

I used protonmail, delayed email, Tor, and a VPN for privacy. I'll be crossing my name out the day before I leave and hopefully nothing will go wrong(method is SN). Thanks for all the insightful quotes from SS particularly the ones from @purplemoon and thanks to this site I managed to meet at least one good person before I died.

Suicide note: It might require a copy-paste to work

Penzu

Free personal journal and online diary.

penzu.com

reading, talk therapy is useless for a lot of guys (solitude and action supposedly better).

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Bump

 

[signifying nothing]

It sounds like you have been hurt very badly by your experiences with your therapist, that much is clear. But to then go on to make sweeping statements based on that is unreasonable and unfair.

Edit: Have you considered sending this as a letter to your therapist whilst you are still alive, omitting the suicidal intent obviously? It sounds like there is a lot of unresolved stuff you want them to hear and it might make you feel better to get it off your chest before you go?

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

It sounds like you have been hurt very badly by your experiences with your therapist, that much is clear. But to then go on to make sweeping statements based on that is unreasonable and unfair.

Edit: Have you considered sending this as a letter to your therapist whilst you are still alive, omitting the suicidal intent obviously? It sounds like there is a lot of unresolved stuff you want them to hear and it might make you feel better to get it off your chest before you go?

You are free to disagree, but my disdain towards psychiatry and society isn't just from personal experiences. I've read hundreds of stories on here and on Reddit of people who have very similar experiences to my own and they echo the same things I said in a much more heartfelt way than I ever could have; I wouldn't have been able to write this on my own otherwise.

People need to stop treating modern psychiatry as if it has the solution to suicide when it often ends up doing the opposite. While I realize that my therapists had good intentions; it does not mean that their actions were good and hiding behind the notion of suicide "prevention" to make it seem like what they're doing is helpful or humane is inexcusable. Threatening people with imprisonment because their job tells them to do so or because they don't want to feel bad is a lazy and irresponsible approach towards morality.

At this point I'm not interested in sending this to my therapists while I'm alive as it'd only cause me emotional and possibly physical harm.

Edit: Also, I don't generalize towards all therapists or normies. I know that there are exceptions to the things I said but they are far and few inbetween.

 

[signifying nothing]

You are free to disagree, but my disdain towards psychiatry and society isn't just from personal experiences. I've read hundreds of stories on here and on Reddit of people who have very similar experiences to my own and they echo the same things I said in a much more heartfelt way than I ever could have; I wouldn't have been able to write this on my own otherwise.

People need to stop treating modern psychiatry as if it has the solution to suicide when it often ends up doing the opposite. While I realize that my therapists had good intentions; it does not mean that their actions were good and hiding behind the notion of suicide "prevention" to make it seem like what they're doing is helpful or humane is inexcusable. Threatening people with imprisonment because their job tells them to do so or because they don't want to feel bad is a lazy and irresponsible approach towards morality.

At this point I'm not interested in sending this to my therapists while I'm alive as it'd only cause me emotional and possibly physical harm.

Edit: Also, I don't generalize towards all therapists or normies. I know that there are exceptions to the things I said but they are far and few inbetween.

Maybe there are two different letters here then?

One to your therapist (or one to each) detailing their specific failings toward you.

And one more of a group or collaborative letter from all the people you have heard from about the collective failings of the profession, which you could send to the relevant organisations, even the media, etc.

It would be a shame for all the work you've put into writing this to just go to your therapist(s). It would have much more chance of having an effect if you were able to get it read by as many people as you can?

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Maybe there are two different letters here then?

One to your therapist (or one to each) detailing their specific failings toward you.

And one more of a group or collaborative letter from all the people you have heard from about the collective failings of the profession, which you could send to the relevant organisations, even the media, etc.

It would be a shame for all the work you've put into writing this to just go to your therapist(s). It would have much more chance of having an effect if you were able to get it read by as many people as you can?

I would say it's a multipart letter to my therapists, society, and myself as I wasn't allowed to speak up about these things while alive. Several other people on this thread have also mentioned posting it in other places but I frankly don't have the motivation and I don't see how it'd accomplish anything. People and their words constantly fall through the cracks and no one really cares in the end.

If other people want to post it after I'm gone then they are free to do so.

 

[signifying nothing]

frankly don't have the motivation and I don't see how it'd accomplish anything

I thought you did, given the number of times you've bumped this thread. I was wrong, I'll stop bugging you.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I thought you did, given the number of times you've bumped this thread. I was wrong, I'll stop bugging you.

I wasn't going to keep bumping it originally but a lot of people had encouraging words about what I wrote so I still bump it on occasion. Thanks for the gesture though.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

People need to stop treating modern psychiatry as if it has the solution to suicide when it often ends up doing the opposite. While I realize that my therapists had good intentions; it does not mean that their actions were good and hiding behind the notion of suicide "prevention" to make it seem like what they're doing is helpful or humane is inexcusable. Threatening people with imprisonment because their job tells them to do so or because they don't want to feel bad is a lazy and irresponsible approach towards morality.

I concur. People seem to think therapy is a miracle cure for mental illness. While it has certainly Improved the lives of many, we need to remember that there's no such thing as a 'one-size-fits-all' treatment. What works for one person may not work for another. Many also forget that therapists and counselors are also human, hence they are subject to the same flaws and biases as you and I. As they can be held legally responsible should anything go wrong, it is only to be expected that some would rather err on the side of caution. 'Defensive medicine' is most often not in the best interests of patients.

Speaking of social media platforms, I really don't like it when phrases like "You need help." get thrown about. Say, to people who have a fetish for cosplay porn. Such insensitive comments make a seemingly benign word like 'help' come across as derisive and condescending, and isolates the listener from what is deemed 'normal' by the majority.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Bumpy for anti-choicers

 

[noaccount]

It was really nice to "meet" you here, I'm sorry it's been like this, if you read this and want to DM me, I wish there was something I could do to alleviate any of it. Like, something real, not psychobabble stuff.

 

[TooMuchToBear]

Bumpy for anti-choicers

Do you have a plan and a date?

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Do you have a plan and a date?

I've had my SN since December of 2019 and planned to end it June 2020 while my family was on vacation but my friend stopped me temporarily. I can't stay for anyone's sake in the circumstances I live in so now I'm waiting for the next opportunity my "family" leaves to put an end to things; I have everything prepared.

 

[TooMuchToBear]

I've had my SN since December of 2019 and planned to end it June 2020 while my family was on vacation but my friend stopped me temporarily. I can't stay for anyone's sake in the circumstances I live in so now I'm waiting for the next opportunity my "family" leaves to put an end to things; I have everything prepared.

I see. Thanks for the reply. Wishing you peace.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I need this nightmare to end. Not being able to end my own life at a time and place of my own choosing is just extra suicide fuel.

Bump for anti-choicers.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Twice this week I kept thinking my family would leave so I can end it but no luck so far. I really need to go already.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Looks like I'm leaving today. The guilt because of my dog was bothering me and I feel the anxiety from survival instinct. Took a Xanax but it doesn't seem like it helped.

Waiting on my family to leave and I'll wait one hour to make sure they don't abruptly come back for sone strange reason.

I hope my nightmare is finally over. I'm so sorry to my dog but this is the best thing for me. Three decades of suffering is enough.

Method is SN.