Suicide is on the table again - horrific self-help group evening

[noname223]

Very rough. As much as I was pleased after the first meeting. The second meeting was really really difficult for me.

I explained the evening to chatGPT in a rambling voice message on my native language, I trascribed the mesage through gemini and now I let chatGPT summarize.
I don't have the energy to do it on my own.

At the autism support group, I was already feeling unwell because I had been sleeping poorly and was worried that I might be developing hypomanic symptoms. The group was much more difficult for me than the first meeting. (Sleeping poorly due to the death of my grandma, a conversation about the funeral shortly prior to the group, and the teeth guard)

A new woman talked about experiencing institutional abuse, but something about her story seemed strange to me. I began to suspect that she might be lying or making it up. I did not say this to her or to the group, but I became worried that my suspicion might be paranoid or offensive.


When the organizer suggested splitting the group, I went into another room with him and asked for his perspective. I then spoke to him about my current problems for around 45 minutes to an hour. Afterwards, I worried that I had overwhelmed him and felt embarrassed about returning to the group. However, the organizer said that the others probably had not noticed much, and when I returned, they did not seem to think anything unusual had happened.


Internally, the evening felt catastrophic, with intense anxiety, overstimulation, and shame. Objectively, though, I did not confront or insult anyone, and the other participants probably noticed far less than I feared. The experience reminded me of becoming paranoid and overwhelmed in a previous university support group.



I think chatGPT did a pretty good job at summarizing it. I felt extremely horrible and ashamed to accuse her in my head. But honestly I am not sure whether others actually perceived it like that.
The worse thing might have been to trauma dumb the organizer in the split self-help group. Honestly, I thought this evening would traumatize me and the woman who told her story. But actually not that much happened objectively. I usually take my medication one hour after the group begins but I need a large meal for it to work. Next time I will take it prior to it.

I had a very strong urge to kill myself when I realized I accused her in such a wrong way. But when I returned back to the group it really seemed like no one really thought about it in such a way.

I notice that my sleep is a lot worse since I am taking the night guard. But I didn't expect such a catastrohpe. I thought maybe a little bit hypomanic but not much more. When I entered the college self-help group at the start I also became paranoid regularly.

I wish I could just kill myself. I think a subconscious part of me wanted this to be the catastrohpe that allows me to kill myself. But afterall the evening was extremely distressing. The most cathartic moment was. After I told them what was going on in my head and how horrible I feel. And also how horrible I feel for sharing all of that. At the end he sort of wanted to know whether I am suicidal. This was relieving. I also told him this reply was cathartic but didn't disclose much. He knows my special interest is David Foster Wallace. But he probably doesn't know that DFW killed himself. After he asked me that I was able to return to the larger group again. And I realized no one thought in the way I feared. Maybe some thought like that for a short time. He also said the others probably don't think like that. Maybe someone thought that for a short time he cannot read minds. I remained calm the rest of the evening and left earlier.

I am not sure how to move on. I really wish I could just kill myself. But it had to be an attempt where I go through with in short time, extremely determined and without talking too much about suicide with anyone. Morever, the last time I checked it was hard to get my hands on SN. I only want to attempt (again) when I have nothing to lose. And I still have the health of my mom. But honestly if she died in a car crash I would be reallly really quick in going through with my plan. Then I could also take bigger risk when ordering the SN.
I wish I could send this text or at least a large part to chatGPT but I censor me on suicide when talking with it.

 

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When the organizer suggested splitting the group, I went into another room with him and asked for his perspective. I then spoke to him about my current problems for around 45 minutes to an hour. Afterwards, I worried that I had overwhelmed him and felt embarrassed about returning to the group.

The organizer of the self-help group would have the option of verbalizing boundaries with members of the group, be it individually or as a whole. If he didn't make mention of anything like that, then I'd take that as a sign you didn't overload or overwhelm him.

Also, I'd expect someone in his role to be capable of withstanding a little more than the average group member -- not just because that's a responsibility he took on, but also because it takes a certain personality type to step into that role in the first place, the type of personality that may be hard-wired to withstand more than an average person could.

So, your "45-minute trauma dump" may very well have been "business as usual" for him. Or even if it was a lot for him to hear, he could at least have the capability and means to process it in a way that doesn't bring him down or keep him down.

Internally, the evening felt catastrophic, with intense anxiety, overstimulation, and shame. Objectively, though, I did not confront or insult anyone, and the other participants probably noticed far less than I feared.

I think it's safe to say most people in that environment (and in general, really, but especially in a self-help environment) would be much more focused inwardly than outwardly -- concerned about what they're thinking and sharing and feeling, and being conscious of how they're presenting to others. So, I'm not sure how much I'd expect them to be reading into you when they'll be so busy reading into themselves. And even if they did read something in you, what of it? Let them go ahead and make assumptions. You do you, and whatever people think of you or assume of you, that's on them. For anybody who would judge you -- keep those people in your periphery only. Focus on the people who hear you and see the good in you despite whatever missteps you might be taking along the way.

If any misinformed controversy comes of a situation, the best way to handle that will usually be to confront it head-on and address it directly by taking ownership of the facts and, if you've done any wrong, account for it, apologize for it, tell them how you'll do better going forward, and offer to make amends (being sure to follow through!).

Based on what you've said here, though, it doesn't sound like you actually have anything to account for. It sounds to me like you've done nothing wrong.

But even if you did do something wrong: People screw up all the time. People offend others all the time. It's OK. It's human. We're human. You're human like the rest of us. Own it if you have to, but then try to let it go and move forward. What would CBT say about all this? Are there any CBT techniques or other therapy techniques you've learned along the way that could help here?

I felt extremely horrible and ashamed to accuse her in my head.

I am familiar with the guilt of this. I know it feels bad. For you, probably all the worse, given all that you've been through. But your skepticism is understandable. You might have heard some red flags. Maybe you were quick to judge, or maybe you weren't. Maybe others had the same thoughts, or maybe they didn't. Whatever the case, it sounds like you handled it in a way that didn't jeopardize anyone else, and I'm thinking that counts for a lot here.

I am not sure how to move on. I really wish I could just kill myself.

You've been burned many times in the therapy environment. Traumatized multiple times over, including by people in positions of trust. It's very natural for you to feel what you're feeling right now. It would be abnormal if you weren't dealing with this. Anyone in your situation would be vulnerable here.

If I recall, you've done a lot of CBT, and that's probably the first route I'd try here. Generalized CBT might have you challenge your worries and fears in a way that identifies them as irrational, or at least misaligned with the facts of the situation. But that's not entirely accurate for someone with your history of traumatic experiences in this environment. So, yeah, you want to challenge your worries and fears, but you also want to do that without invalidating past trauma.

Generalized CBT might say you're putting thoughts into people's heads (mind-reading) and judging body language or social cues as if they're targeted at you in a negative way when, in reality, those cues have many possible meanings, most of which would have nothing to do with you at all.

Trauma-informed CBT adjusts that a little bit by acknowledging you've been badly hurt in similar situations in the past and that your brain -- in its protective efforts in keeping you safe and insulated as possible -- has been conditioned to make similar associations, inferences, interpretations, etc. in similar environments, in its effort to prevent those past traumas from repeating.

In a sense, your brain is acting rationally. So, in getting through this, I'd look at what aspects of your worries and fears may be stemming from past experiences, and what aspects may be stemming from the objective information you have about this current situation. None of it is "irrational". But some of it will be out of balance.

I do believe you have it in you to find your way through this, @noname223, and am wishing you well as can be under the circumstances.