Suicide is my coping mechanism

[Water-Lily]

I have been making some changes in my life. Exercising more frequently, keeping up with my suicide story, homework, reaching out jobs, etc. But even with all of this, I doubt I will get better. At least, not right now. Maybe in the future if I ever even get there, but my mind still stands. The reality that I could very well have a BPD spiral so bad I decide to suicide. And yet, I don't want that part of me to be gone. Suicide is my crutch and while it isn't healthy long term, I don't want to let it go. I like knowing that if I am every angry and someone and want to take revenge, if I am fed up with life, if I am being abused in some way, suffer disappointment, etc, I can just tap out.

 

[Moonbounce]

This is how I feel about my BPD. If I can manage it great, but I'm not getting my hopes up that I get much better.
It definitely is comforting having that thought at the back of the mind.

 

[Water-Lily]

This is how I feel about my BPD. If I can manage it great, but I'm not getting my hopes up that I get much better.
It definitely is comforting having that thought at the back of the mind.

Nice to know that someone feels similarly. Yeah BPD is a life long illness that, while it does decrease as one gets older, it still sucks. For me I know suicide will be a life long battle. So, knowing that I could tap out if things get too hard gives me confidence

 

[loopylou]

I talked to my therapist about this once. She said suicidal ideation is the brains way of escaping something it feels too big to overcome. So if you know you have a major stresser coming up the thoughts will increase. I find her to be right with myself

This is how I feel about my BPD. If I can manage it great, but I'm not getting my hopes up that I get much better.
It definitely is comforting having that thought at the back of the mind.

I have bpd

 

[Moonbounce]

I'm sure BPD is common here on SS. It's a fucking killer. It made my school years a living hell.

 

[loopylou]

I'm sure BPD is common here on SS. It's a fucking killer. It made my school years a living hell.

I wasn't diagnosed till I was 30. (37 now) but not through a lack of trying. My attempts to see a proper psychiatrist not just my GP was ignored till I took a massive over dose

 

[yeahwellso]

I have been making some changes in my life. Exercising more frequently, keeping up with my suicide story, homework, reaching out jobs, etc. But even with all of this, I doubt I will get better. At least, not right now. Maybe in the future if I ever even get there, but my mind still stands. The reality that I could very well have a BPD spiral so bad I decide to suicide. And yet, I don't want that part of me to be gone. Suicide is my crutch and while it isn't healthy long term, I don't want to let it go. I like knowing that if I am every angry and someone and want to take revenge, if I am fed up with life, if I am being abused in some way, suffer disappointment, etc, I can just tap out.

Does BPD refer to bipolar or to borderline?

 

[Water-Lily]

Does BPD refer to bipolar or to borderline?

I think it refers to both, which can make in confusing. In my case I am referring to borderline

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I think it refers to both, which can make in confusing. In my case I am referring to borderline

No, BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. Bi-polar isn't usually shortened.
Borderline is also known as EUPD now (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder).

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I also feel relief when thinking about suicide sometimes. I used to feel it more before realizing that a good suicide attempt can be quite a fucking hassle and depending on the method the worst singular experience of a person's life.