Suicidal on my birthday today

[FireFox]

Today is my birthday and I want to die. Birthdays are supposed to be a happy occasion but for me it's a reminder how my entrie life is a just a failure and nothing ever works out for me whenever it's relationships, a careers or anything.

Today I am pretending to be happy on my birthday on because my own family Never took me seriously for all the times I said I was depressed about my birthday and whenever reached out. My family actually believe I am happy that is my birthday because I am so good at lying

I can't believe this is how my life ended up to be. I thought at 27 I would be in a solid relationship, settled in a career, independent and just happy instread none of it has happened for me and I am just tired of life of everyday. Everyday i wake up and I am just fed up of being here on this Earth.

I don't even care anymore I start my masters degree in October because how can I enjoy it knowing the year I start is the year I should have been preparing for final exams and graduation. I am still furious realising everything I have lost out on. Everyone else getting married and settled in careers and here is me with nothing great happening for me.

Its makes me so angry that last year 1 week before I was supposed to start and collect my student ID the unforseen financial issues meant I couldn't start my course. I am still mad my mother for all the years of sending money to help our relatives overseas ( Africa) because helping these relatives I got left behind If my relatives were nicer people I wouldn't be as so angry like I am. My relatives are the worst people ever ungrateful entitled selfish. Unfortunately in my family's culture family especially relatives is an enormous deal and my family care too much about image.

I am just furipus at how much I have lost out on not starting university last year like I was supposed. Starting a masters at 27 is the worst because I am too far behind.

 

[accountnamerequired]

you might be behind, so am I, but you're not gonna catch up until you start

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Man that sucks. It sucks not to feel supported by your family, especially in favour of more distant relations.

I think you're doing great. Of course it's just my perspective. If you're gonna compare yourself to people who got an earlier start, I invite you to also compare yourself to people who get a later start. I'm ten years older, not even started. No undergrad degree. A shitty line cook lol. So y'know. You've accomplished things beyond what I was able to do! And I am impressed. I'm happy for you and excited.

I am sorry that life has you feeling like shit, and your family is not prioritising you. That's got to sting and it makes sense that it would. Just wanted to offer an outside perspective on the situation of your life, not cuz it's gonna solve all the problems but you know. Comparisons can help or hinder us depending on which ones we choose. Hopefully your master's will be engaging and exciting for you and you will gain some enjoyment from that.

Best wishes

 

[FireFox]

Man that sucks. It sucks not to feel supported by your family, especially in favour of more distant relations.

I think you're doing great. Of course it's just my perspective. If you're gonna compare yourself to people who got an earlier start, I invite you to also compare yourself to people who get a later start. I'm ten years older, not even started. No undergrad degree. A shitty line cook lol. So y'know. You've accomplished things beyond what I was able to do! And I am impressed. I'm happy for you and excited.

I am sorry that life has you feeling like shit, and your family is not prioritising you. That's got to sting and it makes sense that it would. Just wanted to offer an outside perspective on the situation of your life, not cuz it's gonna solve all the problems but you know. Comparisons can help or hinder us depending on which ones we choose. Hopefully your master's will be engaging and exciting for you and you will gain some enjoyment from that.

Best wishes

@Jorms_McGander The last time I was happy was in 2022 when I was 25 because my life was actually beginning to get better. For the first time in my life I was no longer suicidal and I finally wanted to live.

In the autumn of 2022 I had the most amazing time travelling then weeks later I gave my strongest ever interview performance when I came back to the UK. I got the job. The salary was great it was an increase from my last job.

● Winter it was snowing in my city and across the UK. During my lunch break I took a stroll in the snow and it was so magical because my life was finally coming together and I was looking forward to the future. For the first time I wanted to live.

Christmas was just amazing. I brought so many gifts for my family household with my work salary. The living room was full of presents I brought my family.

So many wonderful things happened to me in that year I really was looking forward to the future.

Then in 2023 it all came crashing down rapidly. I went from having the best year of my life to the worst year ever. I miss 2022 so much I feel like I will never have those amazing times again in my life.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

@Jorms_McGander The last time I was happy was in 2022 when I was 25 because my life was actually beginning to get better. For the first time in my life I was no longer suicidal and I finally wanted to live.

In the autumn of 2022 I had the most amazing time travelling then weeks later I gave my strongest ever interview performance when I came back to the UK. I got the job. The salary was great it was an increase from my last job.

● Winter it was snowing in my city and across the UK. During my lunch break I took a stroll in the snow and it was so magical because my life was finally coming together and I was looking forward to the future. For the first time I wanted to live.

Christmas was just amazing. I brought so many gifts for my family household with my work salary. The living room was full of presents I brought my family.

So many wonderful things happened to me in that year I really was looking forward to the future.

Then in 2023 it all came crashing down rapidly. I went from having the best year of my life to the worst year ever. I miss 2022 so much I feel like I will never have those amazing times again in my life.

I understand such a strong feeling of loss. I think you are well positioned for more good times in life, and of course I can't tell the future but I feel optimistic for you. I would be alright in 2022 also. A fine vintage you've chosen. My life had less pressure back then.

I also completely forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! :D :D :D

 

[FireFox]

I understand such a strong feeling of loss. I think you are well positioned for more good times in life, and of course I can't tell the future but I feel optimistic for you. I would be alright in 2022 also. A fine vintage you've chosen. My life had less pressure back then.

I also completely forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! :D :D :D

@Jorms_McGander As I grow older I am just tired of life and everything

 

[Jorms_McGander]

@Jorms_McGander As I grow older I am just tired of life and everything

That's fair, but what I don't think would be fair would be if I told you that things can only get more exhausting and painful. Even though that's been my truth, it's not true for everyone. I'm not trying to sell you anything different than what I've experienced I just feel guilty being like "turn back, this road sucks!"

You're welcome to your own views on life at any time, that's why I'm hesitant cuz it would feel like I am pushing my negative experiences. I'm trying to achieve sorta neutral. Life has been hard. It'll get more painful from now on if I'm any measure of average.

I think being in school would help motivate me to stick around. But in your master's, did you have a break? Am I thinking of greener grass lolol

 

[theboy]

happy birthday :)
be strong

 

[FireFox]

happy birthday :)
be strong

@theboy Thank you so much

 

[justpeachyyyy]

With how life is currently I would add 10 years to any timeline you thought you should be on. It's getting harder and harder to get your foot in anywhere and make substantial progress in life with how things are nowadays. In current day, people are getting a house 10+ years later than they did in the past.
I know you might feel like you need to rush and get started on this path asap but it's ok to take more time with it and treat things less frantically. It's really impressive you're going for your masters to begin with! I'll be 27 in a couple years and wouldn't even be close to that so be proud of yourself at least a little bit!

 

[Disappointered]

I know how you feel.

 

[FireFox]

I know how you feel.

@Disappointered Thanks its so reassuring and it means a lot. In the real world people in my life never take me seriously whenever I am depressed about things.

Last year was the worst year of my life and my family kept saying "everything happens for a reason". I hate that pharse so much because it gave me absolutely no comfort to all the pain I was experiencing.

My family say "life is a gift" I really wanted to be happy and enjoy but more and more I can't see life as a beautiful thing. As time went on I now realise life is not for me. If life was for me things wouldn't be going wrong all the time for me.

The world doesn't want me to be happy I am now convinced.Getting into that university was the only good thing I had last year and the only thing that made me actually happy. 2023 was the worst year of my life with nothing going right for me throughout the months. In that year my awful relatives came back into my life, I then experience the worst heartbreak from a man I loved deeply who disrespected me and kept playing mind games with my feelings, I got humiliated by work colleagues who i throught were my friends, my boss belittled me and blamed me for bringing problems to the workplace and was so cruel in this criticism of me , I got fired from a toxic workplace for underperforming, my eating disorder came back and it got discovered by family, I got builled out a discord community and my online friends who I was always helping sided with bullying moderator and nobody reached out when I got banned and I was nice to everyone.

I kept fighting believe me because i have never been a quitter. Not being able to start my course on time I just gave up on life. One bit of happiness I ask for the world couldn't give me that.

Everyday I am just tired of life and I don't want my life anymore. My birthday wish was for this birthday to be my last one.

 

[Disappointered]

I was bullied at (and in the long run out of) a workplace as well and I'll send you a dm with an added detail because I know you will appreciate the irony.

I'm sorry your family has also treated you so badly. My situation was similar in that I always felt like the less respected child.

Hopefully you can still find a new sense of purpose and satisfaction with the master's course. Either way, I hope you can find a peaceful solution.

edit: looks like you don't accept dms so i can't message you. i don't want to divulge too many details publicly so if you're curious just message me.

 

[Rev346]

Happy birthday. I understand your feelings. My last birthday was one of the worst I can recall mentally. Hopefully you can have some time to yourself and at least have some type of celebration or enjoyment. With regards to your studies, I was also a bit delayed going for my masters degree. Being older was a bit weird but it was also a bit helpful. Having time off school and working gave me a better appreciation for my studies and research. It did suck not making the big bucks while my undergrad friends had decent careers but I was able to forge my path. I guess my main point is don't get too hung up on being older in grad school.

 

[FireFox]

With how life is currently I would add 10 years to any timeline you thought you should be on. It's getting harder and harder to get your foot in anywhere and make substantial progress in life with how things are nowadays. In current day, people are getting a house 10+ years later than they did in the past.
I know you might feel like you need to rush and get started on this path asap but it's ok to take more time with it and treat things less frantically. It's really impressive you're going for your masters to begin with! I'll be 27 in a couple years and wouldn't even be close to that so be proud of yourself at least a little bit!

@justpeachyyyy More people I know rescently are getting married and others having kids it hurts even more because I have failed to get a man of my own all my life I have been unsuccessful with men. I want to be chosen and loved. I feel broken due to years of rejection from men and sometimes I feel there is something deeply wrong with me having men reject me always.

I look ar people who are settled at my age all I feel is a failure nothing has gone right for me.

2023 was the worst year of my life with nothing going right for me throughout the months and I kept fighting believe me because i have never been a quitter. Getting into that university was the only good thing I had that year and the only thing that made me happy.
Not being able to start my course on time I just gave up on life.

I am still angry at all the disruption and knowing everything I missed out on because I couldn't start university last year like I was supposed too.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm a bit late. I hope you're doing ok! Happy Birthday

 

[justpeachyyyy]

@justpeachyyyy More people I know rescently are getting married and others having kids it hurts even more because I have failed to get a man of my own all my life I have been unsuccessful with men. I want to be chosen and loved. I feel broken due to years of rejection from men and sometimes I feel there is something deeply wrong with me having men reject me always.

I look ar people who are settled at my age all I feel is a failure nothing has gone right for me.

2023 was the worst year of my life with nothing going right for me throughout the months and I kept fighting believe me because i have never been a quitter. Getting into that university was the only good thing I had that year and the only thing that made me happy.
Not being able to start my course on time I just gave up on life.

I am still angry at all the disruption and knowing everything I missed out on because I couldn't start university last year like I was supposed too.

The second best time to plant a tree and all of that. People grow at different paces and that's fine. I know you might not be where you want right now but I'm proud of you for what you have done so far. I wish you luck with finding someone, I've heard a lot of people say they found someone when they weren't even looking. I'm not good at relationships and advice regarding them so I hope you find someone special and that things turn out alright for you