Discussion Suicidal Recovery

[itsmeagain]

Nobody told me how hard recovery would be.

I was more excited to die than I was to live. More excited to END it all than to keep going.

Depression and suicide cradle you. They tell you that you don't need to be good enough because it won't matter after you pass that cartridge through your brain, after you suck that SN, after you finally hit the pavement.

And in life… You have to fight your own uncertainty. Something doesn't go right? Fuck you. You better do something about it!! You better stand up and FIGHT for yourself. Doesn't matter if you're tired. Do you want to ruin your life?

You work so hard to get little progress, and the second you fall down, you crash twice as hard.

It's truly something that's been haunting me for months since my "recovery". I joined back in 2020, and my fingernails are bleeding from trying to come back out.

Hi Sanctioned Suicide! It's me AGAIN! It's me again! The fuckup that pushes too hard! The fuckup that now doesn't have the luxury of starving in my college dorm and rotting in a bed that's paid for! Look! I'm an adult! I have responsibilities!

And now I'm going to ruin them. One mistake at a time. One twist of the blade at a time.

How do people enjoy this? Recovery seems so hard sometimes I might as well just not even try. I'll flop around for 10 more years just to realize I'm back at the point I was at in 2020?! When I was 21? Except this time I don't have the luxury of killing myself in the middle of COVID?! WHERE NOBODY WOULD HAVE EVEN OPENED THE DOOR TO MY DORM ROOM FOR MONTHS TO FIND ME DEAD?!?

FUCK THAT, AND FUCK ME!
I MISSED MY CHANCE!

That's what I think to myself… at least. I don't know if I'm right, but my heart is tired from going on.

But im
Falling
Apart
And my ashes
Will burn

Into my intenstines

And bomb

Those who tried

To help me get better.

I'm… so sorry I came back.

I'm so sorry I tried to recover.

I'm sorry to all of my friends who were here on SS that I let down by coming back after graduating SA.

But…

Hey.

At least I can say…

Itmeagain…

(I am so fucked…)

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

Depression and suicide cradle you. They tell you that you don't need to be good enough because it won't matter after you pass that cartridge through your brain, after you suck that SN, after you finally hit the pavement.

And in life… You have to fight your own uncertainty. Something doesn't go right? Fuck you. You better do something about it!! You better stand up and FIGHT for yourself. Doesn't matter if you're tired. Do you want to ruin your life?

You work so hard to get little progress, and the second you fall down, you crash twice as hard.

i've been dealing with this. It really is so much easier to choose to die, now actually dying is probably the hard part (for me).