WillItPass

[willitpass2]

I am WilItPass. Anyone who has been on here any length of time knows of me. I wrote the non-methods thread. I was a member from March 20, 2020. I left back in the winter after yet another near fatal attempt and lost my account. I've lost access to that email so was unable to reinstate it. My physical health has continued to decline. I've had multiple severe infections. Yet it seems my body, despite continuing to get sicker and sicker, refuses to die. I currently am battling another infection that is going untreated. Everything hurts horrifically. But I'm not fucking dying. It's exhausting. I'm meant to be getting a port soon due to my veins becoming inaccessible. I can only hope that maybe then I will be able to finally get my reprieve. It would allow me direct access to lethally injecting something straight into my heart. I just don't know anymore. I have survived so many things I shouldn't have. It doesn't make sense. It is a cruel, cruel fucking joke from the universe the way I cannot fucking die. I'm so angry. I'm so numb. I'm so tired.

 

[hdead]

Darn. All I can say is I'm so sorry you have to suffer through all of this. I hope you can find your peace sooner than later.

 

[RinneOfAragon]

That sounds frightening. Really frightening.

 

[_Gollum_]

Appreciate the update, we were all worried about what twisted fates might have found you, whether you may have "entered a new circle of MH hell" in @Hystearical 's words. I am very sorry to hear that your body has not let you escape this prison yet. If it hurts this bad to hear about your trials and tribulations, I can't imagine what it's like to actually live it.

Hope you find your way out some day xoxo

 

[Forveleth]

Damn dude. I saw your last attempt thread and hoped so much you had found peace. I am so sorry that is not the case.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Many members were concerned about you following your last attempt. I'm so sorry you're still suffering so much.

 

[CatLvr]

GIRL!! Omg I have missed you SO much!!

Bless your heart -- I am ... I am at a loss for words. You have been in my thoughts so much. I am so sorry you are still feeling bad, but I'd be a lying bitch to say I am not absolutely beside myself that you are still here. You and Ophelia were two of the first friends I made here. Gosh ... How is your kitty??

 

[Dante_]

This is incredibly heartbreaking, I am so sorry WIP.

 

[willitpass2]

My health had a brief period where it seemed to be turning upwards. I moved and thought maybe getting out of the area I'd had so many negative experiences over the last several years may help me start over mentally. It did for awhile. But I returned to work at a hospital. It's the only thing that fulfills me mentally. But my body can't keep up. My health is trending down. I've been hospitalized and missed work. I'm scared I'll lose my job. I'm losing my health insurance as well soon. My body is constantly in so much pain. I'm so nauseous. I've had issue after issue crop up. Yet I can't die.

I've relapsed into my eating disorder from the stress of it all. I'd been largely in remission this last 9 months, but over the last 2-3 weeks I just couldn't keep the behaviors at bay anymore. I've lost control of everything else. My mind needed some way to get it back. But of course that's the worst possible thing for my failing body. It's a vicious cycle. It's worn me down.

I'm also in tens of thousands of dollars of debt. Mostly medical. I see no way out. I see now future for myself. I can't keep living in a body in so much pain. It's agonizing at times. I have waves each day where it gets so bad I see stars or nearly throw up. It's horrible.

 

[Hystearical]

My health had a brief period where it seemed to be turning upwards. I moved and thought maybe getting out of the area I'd had so many negative experiences over the last several years may help me start over mentally. It did for awhile. But I returned to work at a hospital. It's the only thing that fulfills me mentally. But my body can't keep up. My health is trending down. I've been hospitalized and missed work. I'm scared I'll lose my job. I'm losing my health insurance as well soon. My body is constantly in so much pain. I'm so nauseous. I've had issue after issue crop up. Yet I can't die.

I've relapsed into my eating disorder from the stress of it all. I'd been largely in remission this last 9 months, but over the last 2-3 weeks I just couldn't keep the behaviors at bay anymore. I've lost control of everything else. My mind needed some way to get it back. But of course that's the worst possible thing for my failing body. It's a vicious cycle. It's worn me down.

I'm also in tens of thousands of dollars of debt. Mostly medical. I see no way out. I see now future for myself. I can't keep living in a body in so much pain. It's agonizing at times. I have waves each day where it gets so bad I see stars or nearly throw up. It's horrible.

Well I am glad to know what became of you. Even though it's not cheery at all. That I'm not glad about. Maybe in fact I'd rather have gone on operating on the assumption that you had found peace.

I am so sorry about the intractable hell that you have remained in.

 

[HNR_]

Shit...sorry to hear that you've been through so much, I really hope you find peace soon

Despite all of these issues, you can comfort yourself in the thought that you've tremendously helped several people, including myself, with the non-method thread (and I bet many others, don't really know, I've only been here for a few months)
Thank you so much for all you've done and what you'll do <3

 

[willitpass2]

I just went grocery shopping. I stocked up on all of my safe foods from when I was deepest in my ED. This relapse is in full swing. It's going to fuck with my already fragile health to be eating like this. But I don't care anymore. What is there to care about?

 

[willitpass2]

I'm ready to be done with this life. I've come to realize I will never succeed in this world. I simply do not have the emotional skillset required for modern American society. I am highly intelligent, I have tons of empathy, I am creative. But I lack consistency. I get bored and give up when something doesnt interest me. When something overwhelms me I simply ignore it. I have tens of thousands of dollars in medical debt. I will never be able to pay it off. But I am too overwhelmed by the prospect of filling out financial assistance forms so have instead let it all go to collections. I just don't see a purpose in engaging in the capitalist slog. Yet I will never be able to afford what it takes to up and move to another country. And the prospect of doing everything that it would take overwhelms me and makes me shut down. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm undiagnosed neurodivergent. Maybe I'm just too aware of how meaningless life is. But I am just not made for it.

I'm ready for my body to give up on me. I am ready to die. I hate that I can't seem to die. It's almost comical how many things I have survived that I shouldn't have. It would be comical if I wasn't the one having to live through the aftermath of it.