Venting stuck

[user667]

im so fucking stuck here. i dont want to be happy. i hate feeling happy. i am constantly overwhelmed with this feeling that i am not sick enough, that i need to be sicker, sadder. then i finally do get sad and everything feels right again. but the worst feeling of all is the numbness. not happy, but not sad enough to kill myself. i need my mental illness to get worse because its the only way ill be able to kill myself. i want to kill myself, i really do, but im not ready yet. i need to get worse first. this has happened before some of my past attempts. some of my attempts i purposely had to get worse so i could kill myself. others i was already there on my own. i just want to get worse so i can fucking die already. plus i kind of like the feeling to. but no one tells you how to make depression worse since im supposed to want to get better. i mean i skip my meds and stuff but im not sure what else to do. i hate this feeling i feel so so sick all the time, but not sick enough. i miss her more than anything in the world but i cant see her. i thought maybe she could save me but she wont. i would still kill myself if she loved me of course but itd just be nicer ya know leading up to it. i hate waking up and going to school everyday, a numb loop over and over again. i just want to be depressed and self harm and then kill myself. no one fucking cares about me. i have one best friend who i have an off and on relationship with but she forgets i exist half the time. i took her to dinner tonight and she couldn't stay off her phone. maybe people care, but its too little too late. i dont have a family, or an friends other than her. the woman i mentioned in the beginning hasnt talked to me in months. and dont get me wrong, id still off myself if someone loved me and all but at least it would feel nice. about a year ago i had a lot of people who loved me and supported me and were there for me. i still attempted suicide but at the very least there was someone there before. now, nothing. i think most people are stupid. everyones so self absorbed. most people my age cant stay off their phones. and not gonna lie, the problems mostly me. i have a huge fucking victim complex and mommy issues so i just want someone to save me and pity me and take care of me. but they never will. i know thats an unfair thing to want but god i crave attention so bad and i resort to such awful ways to get it. i wish things didnt have to be this way. i wish my attempts had worked. i wish i were dead i wish i were dead i wish i were dead.