18M. Been heavily suicidal for almost half a year now. Been passively suicidal since 13--first plan laid out at 15. Been to psych ward twice. Had counseling and taken pills. All have been temporary fixes to a permanent problem.
Currently going to uni. For all intents and purposes I shouldn't be the way I am. Physically, I've been told I'm reasonably good-looking (I don't believe that). I'm not overweight. I have a good future lined out. Staying on top of studies, avoiding debt. Studying in a good-paying field and should have a bright future. On paper, that is.
I'm also Autistic (AS) and hyper-introverted. Social circles evaporated after high school. I don't know anyone at uni and don't fit in here at all. Gave up on all hobbies shortly after moving. I play video games solely to pass time. I go to work, I go to school, I play video games. That is literally my entire life.
What's the point of trying when I've dug such a deep hole for myself? I don't want friends. I've spent time deliberately cutting ties with people who wanted to be friends with me. I have an extremely negative self-image and don't see myself as anyone who anyone would want to be friends with. Isolation drives every fiber of my existence. I want others to stay away. I hate myself, and I want other people to hate me.
And the more I think about that, the more I realize I'm creating a dead end once I graduate. I chose my career path to live comfortably, but if all I'm doing is reminiscing about my existence by myself I don't see a point. I have worked very hard to make myself into nothing, and I want to stay that way. Death--an early exit--gives me hope.
Found this forum a few weeks ago. Been lurking ever since. SN has enticed me but I have some potential obstacles to figure out first. Every day I want to die more and more. At this point, I'm in a sort of transitory phase where I'm trying to convince myself that I want to die and numbing my SI to that concept. There's still a part of me that wants to live and I want that part of me destroyed. The world would absolutely be a better place without me--I don't contribute anything, I don't want to contribute anything, and resources that are going to me could go to someone else instead.
I'm sorry for ranting. I have no one to talk to IRL without risking being sent to the ward.
Currently going to uni. For all intents and purposes I shouldn't be the way I am. Physically, I've been told I'm reasonably good-looking (I don't believe that). I'm not overweight. I have a good future lined out. Staying on top of studies, avoiding debt. Studying in a good-paying field and should have a bright future. On paper, that is.
I'm also Autistic (AS) and hyper-introverted. Social circles evaporated after high school. I don't know anyone at uni and don't fit in here at all. Gave up on all hobbies shortly after moving. I play video games solely to pass time. I go to work, I go to school, I play video games. That is literally my entire life.
What's the point of trying when I've dug such a deep hole for myself? I don't want friends. I've spent time deliberately cutting ties with people who wanted to be friends with me. I have an extremely negative self-image and don't see myself as anyone who anyone would want to be friends with. Isolation drives every fiber of my existence. I want others to stay away. I hate myself, and I want other people to hate me.
And the more I think about that, the more I realize I'm creating a dead end once I graduate. I chose my career path to live comfortably, but if all I'm doing is reminiscing about my existence by myself I don't see a point. I have worked very hard to make myself into nothing, and I want to stay that way. Death--an early exit--gives me hope.
Found this forum a few weeks ago. Been lurking ever since. SN has enticed me but I have some potential obstacles to figure out first. Every day I want to die more and more. At this point, I'm in a sort of transitory phase where I'm trying to convince myself that I want to die and numbing my SI to that concept. There's still a part of me that wants to live and I want that part of me destroyed. The world would absolutely be a better place without me--I don't contribute anything, I don't want to contribute anything, and resources that are going to me could go to someone else instead.
I'm sorry for ranting. I have no one to talk to IRL without risking being sent to the ward.
