Struggling with Pain, Communication, and Timing Despite a Good Life (83, Male, Australia, N2 Method)

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I'm an 83-year-old man in Australia, and I'm finding myself caught in a difficult place emotionally. On paper, I have a good life. I recently had a TAVI procedure, and my health is improving. I live comfortably on the age pension, have a caring wife, and I enjoy time with most of my grandchildren. I also have a strong social routine—five mornings a week in a hydrotherapy rehab pool with people I like. That structure really helps me.

And yet, I'm deeply unhappy.

One part of it is physical. I have persistent foot pain due to circulation issues and am waiting for a referral through Flinders Medical Centre. The pain is especially bad at rest, and it wears me down.

But what really weighs on me is the emotional isolation—particularly with my wife. Communication is extremely limited. For example, she won't use her room's air conditioner because the external unit makes a noise she thinks might bother our kind next-door neighbour. I've suggested replacing the unit or even just talking to the neighbour to see if it's an issue. But the subject is shut down every time, and I'm not allowed to raise it again. That's just one example—small in itself, but part of a bigger pattern. I feel like I can't speak up or work through problems together. My voice doesn't count in the relationship.

I also struggle with being too loud when I speak. I wear hearing aids and do try to control my volume, but it's another source of tension. The combination of these factors makes me feel increasingly invisible and emotionally cut off, even in a relationship.

I've had suicidal thoughts for a while. I have N2 hypoxia equipment and know how to use it. But the truth is—I haven't acted, partly because there's never a "right" time. I have a cousin visiting from interstate next week. There's always something coming up. And even now, I genuinely enjoy parts of my life—especially the pool sessions and some social connections.

I'm not in crisis at this moment. I'm posting because I want to talk honestly about this space I'm in: living a life that looks good from the outside, even has good moments, but still leaves me feeling emotionally disconnected and sometimes deeply tired of carrying it all. I'd appreciate hearing from others who've experienced this mix—of having things to live for, yet still feeling that suicide remains on the table as a real option.


Thank you for reading.

 

[J&L383]

Thank you for your heartfelt and sincere introduction. You are describing what a lot of people as we age start experiencing: the physical and emotional issues that make life enjoyment more and more difficult. It does sound like you are approaching this from a very rational perspective. Wanting relief but not wanting to upset others. As you no doubt realize there's no easy answer. Since you are over 50 (well over!), another venue for communicating with like-minded people would be Exit International, which started in Australia but is now based in the Netherlands. PM if you like.