Struggling with Pain, Communication, and Timing Despite a Good Life (83, Male, Australia, N2 Method)

[redtrafficlight]

I'm an 83-year-old man in Australia, and I'm finding myself caught in a difficult place emotionally. On paper, I have a good life. I recently had a TAVI procedure, and my health is improving. I live comfortably on the age pension, have a caring wife, and I enjoy time with most of my grandchildren. I also have a strong social routine—five mornings a week in a hydrotherapy rehab pool with people I like. That structure really helps me.

And yet, I'm deeply unhappy.

One part of it is physical. I have persistent foot pain due to circulation issues and am waiting for a referral through Flinders Medical Centre. The pain is especially bad at rest, and it wears me down.

But what really weighs on me is the emotional isolation—particularly with my wife. Communication is extremely limited. For example, she won't use her room's air conditioner because the external unit makes a noise she thinks might bother our kind next-door neighbour. I've suggested replacing the unit or even just talking to the neighbour to see if it's an issue. But the subject is shut down every time, and I'm not allowed to raise it again. That's just one example—small in itself, but part of a bigger pattern. I feel like I can't speak up or work through problems together. My voice doesn't count in the relationship.

I also struggle with being too loud when I speak. I wear hearing aids and do try to control my volume, but it's another source of tension. The combination of these factors makes me feel increasingly invisible and emotionally cut off, even in a relationship.

I've had suicidal thoughts for a while. I have N2 hypoxia equipment and know how to use it. But the truth is—I haven't acted, partly because there's never a "right" time. I have a cousin visiting from interstate next week. There's always something coming up. And even now, I genuinely enjoy parts of my life—especially the pool sessions and some social connections.

I'm not in crisis at this moment. I'm posting because I want to talk honestly about this space I'm in: living a life that looks good from the outside, even has good moments, but still leaves me feeling emotionally disconnected and sometimes deeply tired of carrying it all. I'd appreciate hearing from others who've experienced this mix—of having things to live for, yet still feeling that suicide remains on the table as a real option.


Thank you for reading.

 

[J&L383]

Thank you for your heartfelt and sincere introduction. You are describing what a lot of people as we age start experiencing: the physical and emotional issues that make life enjoyment more and more difficult. It does sound like you are approaching this from a very rational perspective. Wanting relief but not wanting to upset others. As you no doubt realize there's no easy answer. Since you are over 50 (well over!), another venue for communicating with like-minded people would be Exit International, which started in Australia but is now based in the Netherlands. PM if you like.

 

[TBONTB]

I'm an 83-year-old man in Australia, and I'm finding myself caught in a difficult place emotionally. On paper, I have a good life. I recently had a TAVI procedure, and my health is improving. I live comfortably on the age pension, have a caring wife, and I enjoy time with most of my grandchildren. I also have a strong social routine—five mornings a week in a hydrotherapy rehab pool with people I like. That structure really helps me.

And yet, I'm deeply unhappy.

One part of it is physical. I have persistent foot pain due to circulation issues and am waiting for a referral through Flinders Medical Centre. The pain is especially bad at rest, and it wears me down.

But what really weighs on me is the emotional isolation—particularly with my wife. Communication is extremely limited. For example, she won't use her room's air conditioner because the external unit makes a noise she thinks might bother our kind next-door neighbour. I've suggested replacing the unit or even just talking to the neighbour to see if it's an issue. But the subject is shut down every time, and I'm not allowed to raise it again. That's just one example—small in itself, but part of a bigger pattern. I feel like I can't speak up or work through problems together. My voice doesn't count in the relationship.

I also struggle with being too loud when I speak. I wear hearing aids and do try to control my volume, but it's another source of tension. The combination of these factors makes me feel increasingly invisible and emotionally cut off, even in a relationship.

I've had suicidal thoughts for a while. I have N2 hypoxia equipment and know how to use it. But the truth is—I haven't acted, partly because there's never a "right" time. I have a cousin visiting from interstate next week. There's always something coming up. And even now, I genuinely enjoy parts of my life—especially the pool sessions and some social connections.

I'm not in crisis at this moment. I'm posting because I want to talk honestly about this space I'm in: living a life that looks good from the outside, even has good moments, but still leaves me feeling emotionally disconnected and sometimes deeply tired of carrying it all. I'd appreciate hearing from others who've experienced this mix—of having things to live for, yet still feeling that suicide remains on the table as a real option.


Thank you for reading.

This is such a well written note, expressing your dual worlds. Congratulations on 83 years of a largely good life..and how nice that there is good social support for income and health. Cheers to the good things.

I really related to "just one more thing"...always something around the corner to do. It sounds like you are...well living. And I also related to just not wanting to go on. I am younger (62) and quite frankly dread the idea of 20 more years.

I'm somewhat envious of the good parts of your life, so I have to remind myself that's not the whole picture. The communication situation with your wife sounds really tough.

You just asked if anyone could relate..so yes! You didn't ask for suggestions, but I'm kind of bad that way. The only thing that comes to mind to improve your situation is adding to your outside social activities. Can there be coffee after the swim? A games group? Just brainstorming ways to up your pleasant time.

Would love to hear from you again.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I'm an 83-year-old man in Australia, and I'm finding myself caught in a difficult place emotionally. On paper, I have a good life. I recently had a TAVI procedure, and my health is improving. I live comfortably on the age pension, have a caring wife, and I enjoy time with most of my grandchildren. I also have a strong social routine—five mornings a week in a hydrotherapy rehab pool with people I like. That structure really helps me.

And yet, I'm deeply unhappy.

One part of it is physical. I have persistent foot pain due to circulation issues and am waiting for a referral through Flinders Medical Centre. The pain is especially bad at rest, and it wears me down.

But what really weighs on me is the emotional isolation—particularly with my wife. Communication is extremely limited. For example, she won't use her room's air conditioner because the external unit makes a noise she thinks might bother our kind next-door neighbour. I've suggested replacing the unit or even just talking to the neighbour to see if it's an issue. But the subject is shut down every time, and I'm not allowed to raise it again. That's just one example—small in itself, but part of a bigger pattern. I feel like I can't speak up or work through problems together. My voice doesn't count in the relationship.

I also struggle with being too loud when I speak. I wear hearing aids and do try to control my volume, but it's another source of tension. The combination of these factors makes me feel increasingly invisible and emotionally cut off, even in a relationship.

I've had suicidal thoughts for a while. I have N2 hypoxia equipment and know how to use it. But the truth is—I haven't acted, partly because there's never a "right" time. I have a cousin visiting from interstate next week. There's always something coming up. And even now, I genuinely enjoy parts of my life—especially the pool sessions and some social connections.

I'm not in crisis at this moment. I'm posting because I want to talk honestly about this space I'm in: living a life that looks good from the outside, even has good moments, but still leaves me feeling emotionally disconnected and sometimes deeply tired of carrying it all. I'd appreciate hearing from others who've experienced this mix—of having things to live for, yet still feeling that suicide remains on the table as a real option.


Thank you for reading.

Would you both be able to financially and emotionally handle divorce? Or would that make it worse?

I am sorry to mention that, but I am reading "I have foot pain and hearing loss and that's somewhat bad, but what really bothers me is my relationship with my wife is so tense and uncomfortable and so I want to die." So, it seems like if you got divorced and then felt less like dying, that could be good? Because if you commit suicide that might be harder for her than a divorce. These ideas could be stupid or wrong, just thinking. You could talk about them with someone confidentially, like a relationship therapist, without discussing the suicide part. You could also try couples counseling?

Suicide is really hard to do. Most attempts fail, and even if you really want to end things, fear often makes it hard. It seems like you have suicidal thoughts but may not be likely to overcome the typical survival instinct that makes it hard to do it, since usually that requires a large amount of unwavering intent. Relationship counseling may be the easier path?