iori011x3
Selflessness, contribution, service ❤️
- Nov 28, 2023
- 147
i've been making an astronomical amount of progress. i'm starting to find reasons to live for myself and i've stopped crying (in the negative way) for the most part. i leaned on my support systems and i surrounded myself with positive outlooks. i started setting mini goals to feel accomplished. my mindset shifted from "there's nothing to live for" to "listening to chill kill and maybe a game of lethal company with friends will help me feel better today because i don't want to ctb whatsoever." and i havent actively been thinking about ctb lately. the worst its gotten is just plain sadness. i've also been starting to feel comfortable with reaching out to some friends that i had to take some space from after one of my attempts hurt them. even though some still needed space, i found that i felt relatively okay with the idea of not being able to go back to being friends again. whether that happens or not, who knows. however, every time i think about the friend that i hurt to the point where he started feeling depressed and exhibiting textbook depression signs, i start mourning our friendship all over again. i know it's not over. he still cares about me and he just needs time to heal himself which is why he asked for space.
the thing is, we planned to go to two concerts: nier & miku expo. he bought both his and my ticket for the nier concert and when he took a break from me, he said he didn't want to go with me anymore. it makes sense since the nier concert is in a month or so, but it hurts me thinking about how i could possibly be replaced with another one of his friends. we planned this concert for so long and he told me so many times that i was the one he wanted to go with. i just cant help but think about how one of our mutual friends will take the spot that was previously mine. obviously he owes me nothing. he was the one who bought them both anyways. i just don't want to be replaced. i don't want to feel like he's abandoned me. i want to be able to understand that he cares enough to want to still salvage our friendship without questioning his words or intentions. it's gotten to the point where seeing him with a matching pfp with another person in the friend group we were in just hurts me. it makes me so jealous. he's got a matching pfp with two others on a different platform as well. i just don't know how to handle this, especially since we always matched pfps before.
while we were still talking, i'd threaten to give away my miku ticket without the actual intention as a way of referencing that i'll be dead before it happens. well, he said he wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable with going either. and i then i told one of my friends they can have it. well, i kinda don't want to give it to them but i've already agreed to them having it. i hyped it up to them too so i feel bad for just saying nvm. plus, i don't even know if he wants me there in the first place. and idk if i'll feel okay hanging out in a group. i always prefered 1 on 1 hangouts (in general, not just with him) and i just feel like i'd feel so hurt if he actively ignored me to talk to another friend. or purposely took the seat furthest away from me. i was pretty fucking manipulative so i probably deserve this. i just don't want to hurt him anymore.
i seem to only be able to heal when i don't think about him or his actions. but to be able to be friends with him again (which is what i hope for) i need to be able to be okay with him sharing pfp with his other friends and a lot of other things. i'm not any more special than his other friends. again, he owes me nothing. i want to move forward living for myself and be okay whether the entire friend group drops me or not but a part of me still clings to the idea of being friends with him again. we even planned to move in together as roommates to save rent. i feel like i need to be his friend again to feel okay. we were so close and it hurts me so much to think that i'm not the one close to him anymore. it's one of my other friends. i want to be able to feel happy to see him happy but i cant. i feel so selfish. i feel like i already know all the problems i have, i just don't know how to solve it. it's so fucking hard. i'm starting to doubt myself.
oh, maybe i'm just exhibiting signs of codependency or something. clearly, there's issues i need to work through still. i just feel like i'm not improving fast enough for my liking i guess. i want to feel better and be healthy as soon as possible. i bet most people would. doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me when i feel like im progressing backwards.
the thing is, we planned to go to two concerts: nier & miku expo. he bought both his and my ticket for the nier concert and when he took a break from me, he said he didn't want to go with me anymore. it makes sense since the nier concert is in a month or so, but it hurts me thinking about how i could possibly be replaced with another one of his friends. we planned this concert for so long and he told me so many times that i was the one he wanted to go with. i just cant help but think about how one of our mutual friends will take the spot that was previously mine. obviously he owes me nothing. he was the one who bought them both anyways. i just don't want to be replaced. i don't want to feel like he's abandoned me. i want to be able to understand that he cares enough to want to still salvage our friendship without questioning his words or intentions. it's gotten to the point where seeing him with a matching pfp with another person in the friend group we were in just hurts me. it makes me so jealous. he's got a matching pfp with two others on a different platform as well. i just don't know how to handle this, especially since we always matched pfps before.
while we were still talking, i'd threaten to give away my miku ticket without the actual intention as a way of referencing that i'll be dead before it happens. well, he said he wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable with going either. and i then i told one of my friends they can have it. well, i kinda don't want to give it to them but i've already agreed to them having it. i hyped it up to them too so i feel bad for just saying nvm. plus, i don't even know if he wants me there in the first place. and idk if i'll feel okay hanging out in a group. i always prefered 1 on 1 hangouts (in general, not just with him) and i just feel like i'd feel so hurt if he actively ignored me to talk to another friend. or purposely took the seat furthest away from me. i was pretty fucking manipulative so i probably deserve this. i just don't want to hurt him anymore.
i seem to only be able to heal when i don't think about him or his actions. but to be able to be friends with him again (which is what i hope for) i need to be able to be okay with him sharing pfp with his other friends and a lot of other things. i'm not any more special than his other friends. again, he owes me nothing. i want to move forward living for myself and be okay whether the entire friend group drops me or not but a part of me still clings to the idea of being friends with him again. we even planned to move in together as roommates to save rent. i feel like i need to be his friend again to feel okay. we were so close and it hurts me so much to think that i'm not the one close to him anymore. it's one of my other friends. i want to be able to feel happy to see him happy but i cant. i feel so selfish. i feel like i already know all the problems i have, i just don't know how to solve it. it's so fucking hard. i'm starting to doubt myself.
oh, maybe i'm just exhibiting signs of codependency or something. clearly, there's issues i need to work through still. i just feel like i'm not improving fast enough for my liking i guess. i want to feel better and be healthy as soon as possible. i bet most people would. doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me when i feel like im progressing backwards.
