dustyrainbow
Member
- Apr 15, 2023
- 42
I'm going a little bit insane right now.
Context, I read some discharge letters of a psych ward I was in for a week about a month ago. The letters stated that my suicidality wasn't "serious" and that I'm just manipulative and acting for telling them (the ward) my plan (after they said they don't believe me if I don't tell them details! I kept quiet until then!).
At one day I have a very silly argument about "nothing" with the staff. It was just so dumb and childish, I couldn't bare seeing them in that moment.
I left the ward, went for a walk. I decided spontaneously to espace. Somehow I ended up abroad.
I told my friends, my family and some social workers (part of my support network - currently in an assisted living situation but still have my own apartment) about that.
I just needed a break from the ward and I intended to go back the day after.
Consequence of my escape: the ward discharged me.
They didn't even try to call me or the police. And I've been admitted by law. They just reached out to the social workers after 24h "dusty has escaped. If you're in contact with her, let her know we're going to discharge her."
The letter says they did it because "no immediate danger to herself".
After I was back at my apartment, my method of choice arrived. But with the little escape I felt a sense of freedom; and somehow I truly believed there's hope for me. That I can take all the given chances and care for myself, turn my life for the better.
Following the feeling of hope I managed the packages to not arrive at my apartment - instead it had been delivered to the social workers. I told them to get rid of the mail and not to open it. But the packages had danger signs on it so they had me to clarify what's inside.
I've been honest. They knew about my plans anyway (what initially led to the psych ward stay before).
Long story short: my way out wasn't available anymore.
I had a first meeting with a therapist last and this week. He asked for the letters mentioned above.
Had troubles to get my hands on them. Ward said they were confidential, but I didn't gave a f*ck and read them anyway.
Mistake. Big, big mistake.
And I'm so unbelievable angry and upset and disappointed that I just ordered something new to ctb with. Not that I truly want it - I would write a letter out of spite and note that in my living will.
They just don't know what I was going through and how serious I've been about ctb'ing. The fact I started to tell close people about it was NOT for attention.
I lost two flat mates in the past by suicide and I wish I could have had a last talk.
I just don't want to be suddenly dead. Selfish or not - At least myself needs to know I don't surprise anyone.
I don't care about being admitted to the ward because sooner or later I can ctb anyway. It's just a matter of time.
So why not saying goodbye??
And I can't stop being angry.
How tf did I get any attention when I didn't tell anyone about my plans?
What about my last attempts where I just did it, no letters, no
good-byes, nothing?
What about all the situations where I harmed myself and didn't seek medical attention (what even led to infection, sepsis and so on - even an emergency surgery was needed once after I didn't get it treated!).
They always said I have to tell them everything. That they trust me. I only have to be honest.
And I know it's naive to believe that but there is in fact some staff I truly trust because I know they'd never use anything against me.
But there are these 2-3 specific doctors...
I want to prove them they're wrong. I want them to be punished by law or something. For not taking care.
Received a letter from the government that said the ward said I distanced myself from suicide plans and that's why they discharged me (been there against my will).
And that's straight up a lie. I never said anything like that. I gave up the plan AFTER being discharged.
I wanted to file a complaint but the consequence would have been (in a logical view) that I'm truly a danger to myself. So I'd been locked up again.
But at this point I didn't want to ctb anymore as said earlier.
I can't believe how the psych ward's getting away with that. I just feel defeated. Ofc, I was angry to be admitted first, because I had this plan and the ward would have prolonged waiting to actually do it.
But on the other hand I just don't understand why they care so little about their patients. Like... 24h not doing anything? And then just telling someone "oh btw she escaped and we don't know where she is, but now we're kicking her out".
And all these words .. attention seeking, manipulative, acting...
I question everything I do now. Everything. I mean even posting that is attention-seeking in a way, isn't it?
What's wrong? With them, with me? I'm losing my mind. Can't trust anyone anymore. Not even myself.
It just seems wrong.
Back to the point:
I hope my order never arrives or the police gets notified, idk. I don't wanna truly die. At least not at the moment.
But there is this strong feeling inside of me that I'm about to just do it out of spite. F*ck it.
Thanks for reading.
Context, I read some discharge letters of a psych ward I was in for a week about a month ago. The letters stated that my suicidality wasn't "serious" and that I'm just manipulative and acting for telling them (the ward) my plan (after they said they don't believe me if I don't tell them details! I kept quiet until then!).
At one day I have a very silly argument about "nothing" with the staff. It was just so dumb and childish, I couldn't bare seeing them in that moment.
I left the ward, went for a walk. I decided spontaneously to espace. Somehow I ended up abroad.
I told my friends, my family and some social workers (part of my support network - currently in an assisted living situation but still have my own apartment) about that.
I just needed a break from the ward and I intended to go back the day after.
Consequence of my escape: the ward discharged me.
They didn't even try to call me or the police. And I've been admitted by law. They just reached out to the social workers after 24h "dusty has escaped. If you're in contact with her, let her know we're going to discharge her."
The letter says they did it because "no immediate danger to herself".
After I was back at my apartment, my method of choice arrived. But with the little escape I felt a sense of freedom; and somehow I truly believed there's hope for me. That I can take all the given chances and care for myself, turn my life for the better.
Following the feeling of hope I managed the packages to not arrive at my apartment - instead it had been delivered to the social workers. I told them to get rid of the mail and not to open it. But the packages had danger signs on it so they had me to clarify what's inside.
I've been honest. They knew about my plans anyway (what initially led to the psych ward stay before).
Long story short: my way out wasn't available anymore.
I had a first meeting with a therapist last and this week. He asked for the letters mentioned above.
Had troubles to get my hands on them. Ward said they were confidential, but I didn't gave a f*ck and read them anyway.
Mistake. Big, big mistake.
And I'm so unbelievable angry and upset and disappointed that I just ordered something new to ctb with. Not that I truly want it - I would write a letter out of spite and note that in my living will.
They just don't know what I was going through and how serious I've been about ctb'ing. The fact I started to tell close people about it was NOT for attention.
I lost two flat mates in the past by suicide and I wish I could have had a last talk.
I just don't want to be suddenly dead. Selfish or not - At least myself needs to know I don't surprise anyone.
I don't care about being admitted to the ward because sooner or later I can ctb anyway. It's just a matter of time.
So why not saying goodbye??
And I can't stop being angry.
How tf did I get any attention when I didn't tell anyone about my plans?
What about my last attempts where I just did it, no letters, no
good-byes, nothing?
What about all the situations where I harmed myself and didn't seek medical attention (what even led to infection, sepsis and so on - even an emergency surgery was needed once after I didn't get it treated!).
They always said I have to tell them everything. That they trust me. I only have to be honest.
And I know it's naive to believe that but there is in fact some staff I truly trust because I know they'd never use anything against me.
But there are these 2-3 specific doctors...
I want to prove them they're wrong. I want them to be punished by law or something. For not taking care.
Received a letter from the government that said the ward said I distanced myself from suicide plans and that's why they discharged me (been there against my will).
And that's straight up a lie. I never said anything like that. I gave up the plan AFTER being discharged.
I wanted to file a complaint but the consequence would have been (in a logical view) that I'm truly a danger to myself. So I'd been locked up again.
But at this point I didn't want to ctb anymore as said earlier.
I can't believe how the psych ward's getting away with that. I just feel defeated. Ofc, I was angry to be admitted first, because I had this plan and the ward would have prolonged waiting to actually do it.
But on the other hand I just don't understand why they care so little about their patients. Like... 24h not doing anything? And then just telling someone "oh btw she escaped and we don't know where she is, but now we're kicking her out".
And all these words .. attention seeking, manipulative, acting...
I question everything I do now. Everything. I mean even posting that is attention-seeking in a way, isn't it?
What's wrong? With them, with me? I'm losing my mind. Can't trust anyone anymore. Not even myself.
It just seems wrong.
Back to the point:
I hope my order never arrives or the police gets notified, idk. I don't wanna truly die. At least not at the moment.
But there is this strong feeling inside of me that I'm about to just do it out of spite. F*ck it.
Thanks for reading.
just reading about it pisses me off
