Discussion sort of trigger warning- thread for Grieving *PARENTS*

[Sinkinshyp]

I wanted to put Grieving *PARENTS* at the top because some of you may not want to read what it's like for us existing after our child has gone ahead of us. It might help some of you in your decision making toward recovery it may not. If you are NOT a grieving parent- please understand this is the most devastating, soul shattering thing to happen to a parent. Their child to die before them. There are going to be things you will read that wont sit well with you. Our child was our heart and soul, our reason for.. everything and now we are here. You are welcome to read and reply of course but I wanted I guess a trigger warning of sorts. No one is excluded and it was not my intent to make anyone feel that way at all.

A post was made the other day by @mimiopo22 about parent suicide. It was unclear at the start if she was a parent or concerned about her parents. I was tagged by @Life_and_Death because I've been pretty vocal about my son died and I am here. A few other parents replied as well. I would like to see if we can have a thread for those of us grieving parents. We can be here for eachother, share experiences, talk about our kids, mention their names, how we feel now they are gone, whatever we want about our child/children and grief. It's a very lonely painful road especially alone. I didn't realize there were a few of us here or I would have made a thread a while ago.


If you are a grieving parent and want to join in please, share your child with us. I will share my son after someone else has posted. If you are not comfortable posting in open thread feel free to pm me or any other parent who offers to be there as well.

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. My heart truly goes out to you, well what bits are left of it.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I am a little surprized there has been no response to this yet. Then again, maybe not.

I have lost one adult child and the writing is on the wall for the other one. Not to death, rather to what? Estrangement? No contact in four years. I have tried, believe me.

The worst part about admitting this is that people immediately assume I was a bad, abusive, neglectful parent. I have been asked "What did you do?" almost every time. I don't know. I never used physical punishment. I supported them in all they wanted to do as much as possible. Was I perfect? No. Is anybody?

They are now very successful, live a luxury lifestyle, have children of their own. I helped them so much when they were babies, kept them while parents went on vacations, was primary full-time caregiver to one for over a year without any pay. Once the kids became older, I wasn't needed anymore and have been blocked and/or ignored, nobody has ever told me why and I have asked. I have apologized many times (for whatever I did or said, I wish I knew), asked what can I do to make us better. No answer.

Every single day, I check my phone multiple times, hoping to hear from them. I send birthday, Christmas, other holiday boxes to the kids, without acknowledgement. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out why this has happened?

It sometimes seems like it would be easier if they had died. At least then I would stop hoping.

This is why I want to CTB. I am old, alone, and when I die (from whatever cause), they won't even know.

 

[Isadeth]

I've been trying to get by and just make it to February. My son's anniversary date is coming up. January is always such a hard month for me. I try to stay busy or numb myself so I don't act on impulses.

Last year I didn't do so well and ended up inpatient. I took my gun and was ready to pull the trigger. I was physically manhandled and restrained and spent the next 7 days in the psych ward. I had the staff in tears. I just want to be with my son.

I have two living sons that "help" but I'm broken. I'm a shell of who I once was and nothing fills that void. No amount of love from others, alcohol, pills, or therapy has made that hole smaller.

I don't fear death. Not even in the slightest. I have my children on each side. If there is another side. I try to believe because the thought of finality makes me physically sick. But some days are really hard.

I'm trying. I'm trying for my kids here, I'm trying for my parents, I'm trying for myself. Why does nobody see how hard I'm fucking trying?!

I just want all of my children with me. I know this isn't going to happen. I'm trying to be okay.

I miss my Jay.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I am a little surprized there has been no response to this yet. Then again, maybe not.

I have lost one adult child and the writing is on the wall for the other one. Not to death, rather to what? Estrangement? No contact in four years. I have tried, believe me.

The worst part about admitting this is that people immediately assume I was a bad, abusive, neglectful parent. I have been asked "What did you do?" almost every time. I don't know. I never used physical punishment. I supported them in all they wanted to do as much as possible. Was I perfect? No. Is anybody?

They are now very successful, live a luxury lifestyle, have children of their own. I helped them so much when they were babies, kept them while parents went on vacations, was primary full-time caregiver to one for over a year without any pay. Once the kids became older, I wasn't needed anymore and have been blocked and/or ignored, nobody has ever told me why and I have asked. I have apologized many times (for whatever I did or said, I wish I knew), asked what can I do to make us better. No answer.

Every single day, I check my phone multiple times, hoping to hear from them. I send birthday, Christmas, other holiday boxes to the kids, without acknowledgement. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out why this has happened?

It sometimes seems like it would be easier if they had died. At least then I would stop hoping.

This is why I want to CTB. I am old, alone, and when I die (from whatever cause), they won't even know.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can relate with you. My oldest son I raised alone since I was 20 he passed in a car accident on his way to work 3 years ago. I honestly broke, bad. My mental state was really bad. I had an almost 17 yr old son as well at the time. He had to watch me in total hysterics my sons dead, I want my son, I want to die or I over medicated to not be so totally broken. A yr and a half after his older brother died he RAN to my ex in laws he was now 18. I know for his mental state getting away from me was the best thing for him. I'm only here existing because I don't want to cause him more trauma. I pay his cell bill- he has a job. He doesn't call or answer my calls, he doesn't text. He buried me with his brother. We were working on our relationship a couple months ago but thats come to a halt now. I dont know if I can ever repair the damage I caused in that year and a half. He did tell me last week he will never see me as the same mom again- he loves me but I broke to much. I check my phone, I hope I beg I apologize, I promise to make it better but he's been hurt... I'm so sorry you are going through this as well.

I've been trying to get by and just make it to February. My son's anniversary date is coming up. January is always such a hard month for me. I try to stay busy or numb myself so I don't act on impulses.

Last year I didn't do so well and ended up inpatient. I took my gun and was ready to pull the trigger. I was physically manhandled and restrained and spent the next 7 days in the psych ward. I had the staff in tears. I just want to be with my son.

I have two living sons that "help" but I'm broken. I'm a shell of who I once was and nothing fills that void. No amount of love from others, alcohol, pills, or therapy has made that hole smaller.

I don't fear death. Not even in the slightest. I have my children on each side. If there is another side. I try to believe because the thought of finality makes me physically sick. But some days are really hard.

I'm trying. I'm trying for my kids here, I'm trying for my parents, I'm trying for myself. Why does nobody see how hard I'm fucking trying?!

I just want all of my children with me. I know this isn't going to happen. I'm trying to be okay.

I miss my Jay.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm here for you if you need. I know what that month does.

October is the month for me my son died Oct 13th. I know its not just the date- its all the time. I'm broken to momma. And yes an empty painful shell. I just long for my son, I just want a hug, to see his beautiful smile and I love you.

Like you, I do not fear death I welcome it. I believe I will be reunited with my son. I'm only here because I have a younger son who will be 20 in January. I am trying to figure out if I am doing him more harm by staying alive or will do more harm by ctb.

I know youre trying. Just waking up for us is a big hurdle. I don't think people have a clue how hard it is to make it 1 minute to the next. They cant give us credit because they dont have any idea. No one gives me credit either.

 

[Sherri]

I've been trying to get by and just make it to February. My son's anniversary date is coming up. January is always such a hard month for me. I try to stay busy or numb myself so I don't act on impulses.

Last year I didn't do so well and ended up inpatient. I took my gun and was ready to pull the trigger. I was physically manhandled and restrained and spent the next 7 days in the psych ward. I had the staff in tears. I just want to be with my son.

I have two living sons that "help" but I'm broken. I'm a shell of who I once was and nothing fills that void. No amount of love from others, alcohol, pills, or therapy has made that hole smaller.

I don't fear death. Not even in the slightest. I have my children on each side. If there is another side. I try to believe because the thought of finality makes me physically sick. But some days are really hard.

I'm trying. I'm trying for my kids here, I'm trying for my parents, I'm trying for myself. Why does nobody see how hard I'm fucking trying?!

I just want all of my children with me. I know this isn't going to happen. I'm trying to be okay.

I miss my Jay.

Same here, I have everything I need to be happy, but there's always that void you mentioned that something is missing. Meds did little and that whole keeps on getting bigger. I'm happy for your sons that you didn't pull the trigger back then. You sound like a very loving mum like @Sinkinshyp . Hugs to you both,

 

[Lost1804]

My daughters overdose has completely destroyed me. Its broken my family up (like so many relationships are destroyed) my "friends" have disappeared, my only friends are online, many if who I've never met. Like NeverGoodEnuff, I have another daughter who hasn't spoken to me for 14 months, she has 2 small children, 2 & 7m old. I've never seen the youngest. And I don't know why either. Though its been suggested she's jealous of my grief for my lost daughter. So I've lost 2 daughters and 2 young grandchildren, plus friends, and my sister doesn't speak to me now either.
Nobody mentions my daughter, nobody says her name. When her inquest came round there were so many people saying her name I burst into tears and had to leave the room.
This is a desperately lonely journey for grieving parents. After the hysterics of seeing my daughter on the floor dead, and screaming at medics to do something, we don't get over the initial shock and get back to normal. We can never be the same again. The grief goes on for years. Its almost 3 yrs for me, and I still want to sit and scream. The pain is physical as much as mental. I never ever stop thinking about her. The depression is so deep. Every morning I wake and think "shit! Another day" I'm like others, an empty shell just going through the motions each day. I'm old and don't care anymore. I look wretched and don't care. My GP wants to see me, I don't care. If I die tomorrow I don't care. When I sleep I don't want to wake up. When I'm awake I don't want to sleep. Life stopped that day. While everyone else moves on, time moves on, we're still trapped in that horrific day. I relive it everyday like it was yesterday, and the pain is still as bad. We just get better at wearing masks, but can't wait to rip the mask off and crumble.
The loss of a child is the most excruciating pain anyone can endure. We don't pick-up the pieces, move on, get over it. The "it" is our child! Not until you're a parent can you begin to imagine losing your child. I thought I could imagine it, but the reality is far far worse than anything you can imagine. Its soul destroying. Being completely empty inside is a very heavy load to carry around day after day. And many parents suicide. I'm here to make sure I get it right 1st time, like many more. It doesn't get better for everyone as time goes on. Everyone is different, and for many it gets worse. The loss the emptiness and the pain cuts deeper and deeper.
I just want to join her.
Xxx

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I 'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Everything you said I can relate with. Only my younger son talks to me sometimes. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I'll probably edit and add more after coffee engages my brain. I want to send you a hug from 1 broken parent to another

 

[Sherri]

My daughters overdose has completely destroyed me. Its broken my family up (like so many relationships are destroyed) my "friends" have disappeared, my only friends are online, many if who I've never met. Like NeverGoodEnuff, I have another daughter who hasn't spoken to me for 14 months, she has 2 small children, 2 & 7m old. I've never seen the youngest. And I don't know why either. Though its been suggested she's jealous of my grief for my lost daughter. So I've lost 2 daughters and 2 young grandchildren, plus friends, and my sister doesn't speak to me now either.
Nobody mentions my daughter, nobody says her name. When her inquest came round there were so many people saying her name I burst into tears and had to leave the room.
This is a desperately lonely journey for grieving parents. After the hysterics of seeing my daughter on the floor dead, and screaming at medics to do something, we don't get over the initial shock and get back to normal. We can never be the same again. The grief goes on for years. Its almost 3 yrs for me, and I still want to sit and scream. The pain is physical as much as mental. I never ever stop thinking about her. The depression is so deep. Every morning I wake and think "shit! Another day" I'm like others, an empty shell just going through the motions each day. I'm old and don't care anymore. I look wretched and don't care. My GP wants to see me, I don't care. If I die tomorrow I don't care. When I sleep I don't want to wake up. When I'm awake I don't want to sleep. Life stopped that day. While everyone else moves on, time moves on, we're still trapped in that horrific day. I relive it everyday like it was yesterday, and the pain is still as bad. We just get better at wearing masks, but can't wait to rip the mask off and crumble.
The loss of a child is the most excruciating pain anyone can endure. We don't pick-up the pieces, move on, get over it. The "it" is our child! Not until you're a parent can you begin to imagine losing your child. I thought I could imagine it, but the reality is far far worse than anything you can imagine. Its soul destroying. Being completely empty inside is a very heavy load to carry around day after day. And many parents suicide. I'm here to make sure I get it right 1st time, like many more. It doesn't get better for everyone as time goes on. Everyone is different, and for many it gets worse. The loss the emptiness and the pain cuts deeper and deeper.
I just want to join her.
Xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss dear. Your post is so touching. Only a mum can know how you feeling. A big hug to you.

 

[Sakura94]

I'm not a parent. But last night I had an awful dream about life after I'm gone. My parents were in a small house alone and were struggling.
I dont know if I can do it.

 

[Sherri]

I'm not a parent. But last night I had an awful dream about life after I'm gone. My parents were in a small house alone and were struggling.
I dont know if I can do it.

Same I'm not a parent either, can only guess the grief, even though me and mine are no longer in touch.

 

[Goodbye710]

While I'm not a parent, I hope my story is ok to post here:

Ever since I was little, I always knew why I was born on Earth. It's a feeling. An absolute knowing it to be true. I always said it but I'm not sure anyone ever believed me. You see, my mom was an angel. I know everybody always says that about a family member they love but in this case it is true.

Ever since she was little, there were qualities about her that many people would see in her that made her different from others. From her always smiling, to her uplifting personality. You would feel bathed in love just being around her. You would feel there was nothing you couldn't do in life. Whatever and whoever she touched, she would also turn them successful or angelic like as well. Even her pets became like little angels... beautiful and with the best personality in the world.

Oftentimes, strangers would approach her and would want to talk with her. Many times about their own problems in life. And after they were done, it was as if they were healed. This didn't mean my mom didn't have problems of her own. In fact, she had many problems. Most of the problems came from others who would try their hardest to destroy what she had inside. To bring her down to their level.

With time, the hatred others had inside of them did chip away little by little. It started with gossip. Lies that weren't true. Very bizarre and wild lies. The jealousy was so bad in some that a neighbor for many years jumped the wall at night and would poison her flower garden that she watered everyday, bushes and trees, etc., All poisoned. Others would damage her cars. It was as if people become so jealous of her, that they all wanted to leave their mark. Each person would throw a stone at her metaphorically speaking. Each person rationalized it was no big deal as it was only one or two stones they threw at her. But the accumulation of the stones did wear you down. It was as if everyday, there was someone there to throw another stone at her.

My mom was able to brush all this off for all those years. Forgiveness. 20 years ago, the success and happiness in her families life, her family decided they all wanted to live a different life. Drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, lying, cheating, stealing. And so they also joined in throwing rocks at her. Horrified by this change, my mom tried bring them back to sanity. To reality that what they were doing was wrong. It didn't work.

Because of her extreme love for her family and her angelic qualities, I know without a doubt she took on the negative karma of her family upon herself. She knew what the future was for her family. Because of what they were doing. So that her loved ones would not be destroyed in the future. A short while later her health was devastated. Her husband, children, friends all walked away in her time of need. You could now see it was all a one way relationship with everyone. She helped everyone in the world while basically everyone walked away.

And so I became her caretaker for "many" years. Just my mom and I in life. Our bond became even greater during this time. I prayed to take on her suffering. To change places. It worked. I lessened her pain and took on the suffering. We were now both suffering but at least hers was lessened. I sacrificed my entire life. All my money gone. All my happiness and joy in the world is gone. Bad health issues to where my heart gives out and so on.

I always told her that when she passes away, I'll be right behind her. So when she did pass away last year, my purpose in life was over. Sure enough, my heart gave way. I was dying. I was glad. When I finally died, I had a NDE with my mom in it. After my NDE, I knew I had more to do and my health got a bit better. I was no longer visiting the ER every 2 weeks. When my mom passed last year and I nearly died, most of what made up me is gone. I can only describe the feeling as if half or more of me is in heaven while the other half is here on Earth suffering with all this pain to get more empathy for others, perseverance and a stronger will.

I've lost many people in my life. Nothing compared to me losing my mom last year. It feels as if the majority of me has already passed.

 

[Flump]

I lost my son in 2018! I shouldn't still be here my life is so hard. He was Perfect, everything to live for he had achieved so much in his life! He got in with the wrong people after a break up with his girlfriend started to drink and take drugs, he was 21 and never really had a drink but he had an amazing life, an amazing job and had everything. I have no strength without him I just want peace but it is so difficult to leave this world, I'm so tired and I don't to be here without my son. I've tried to take my life a few times now, the next time has to be the final and last time and must not fail. I can't keep doing this but I'm still here! Why!!! Love to you all I hope oneday we will find peace from this hell

 

[Sinkinshyp]

My daughters overdose has completely destroyed me. Its broken my family up (like so many relationships are destroyed) my "friends" have disappeared, my only friends are online, many if who I've never met. Like NeverGoodEnuff, I have another daughter who hasn't spoken to me for 14 months, she has 2 small children, 2 & 7m old. I've never seen the youngest. And I don't know why either. Though its been suggested she's jealous of my grief for my lost daughter. So I've lost 2 daughters and 2 young grandchildren, plus friends, and my sister doesn't speak to me now either.
Nobody mentions my daughter, nobody says her name. When her inquest came round there were so many people saying her name I burst into tears and had to leave the room.
This is a desperately lonely journey for grieving parents. After the hysterics of seeing my daughter on the floor dead, and screaming at medics to do something, we don't get over the initial shock and get back to normal. We can never be the same again. The grief goes on for years. Its almost 3 yrs for me, and I still want to sit and scream. The pain is physical as much as mental. I never ever stop thinking about her. The depression is so deep. Every morning I wake and think "shit! Another day" I'm like others, an empty shell just going through the motions each day. I'm old and don't care anymore. I look wretched and don't care. My GP wants to see me, I don't care. If I die tomorrow I don't care. When I sleep I don't want to wake up. When I'm awake I don't want to sleep. Life stopped that day. While everyone else moves on, time moves on, we're still trapped in that horrific day. I relive it everyday like it was yesterday, and the pain is still as bad. We just get better at wearing masks, but can't wait to rip the mask off and crumble.
The loss of a child is the most excruciating pain anyone can endure. We don't pick-up the pieces, move on, get over it. The "it" is our child! Not until you're a parent can you begin to imagine losing your child. I thought I could imagine it, but the reality is far far worse than anything you can imagine. Its soul destroying. Being completely empty inside is a very heavy load to carry around day after day. And many parents suicide. I'm here to make sure I get it right 1st time, like many more. It doesn't get better for everyone as time goes on. Everyone is different, and for many it gets worse. The loss the emptiness and the pain cuts deeper and deeper.
I just want to join her.
Xxx

I can relate to everything you have said. It's almost like you have been placed inside me and put what my existence is. My younger son turned 18 and almost a yr and a half to the day moved out to my ex inlaws-he got very angry I bought crickets for a snake he caught. It was just a final straw for him. I died the day my older son dies. I totally lost my mind. I know for my younger sons mental health he did the right thing. I was so out of my mind I begged him for his permission to let me kill myself. We do speak-very little. Sept I think it was he reached out more. He bought me a game on steam, we played and talked on discord. He was texting and calling. I was focused on him. After we got past the day in October my older son died he became distant again. My ex in laws have been trying to get me to move there.. I dont want to upset my son more so iits day by day

I have advanced for age emphysema. Ive had respiratory failure from it. When my son died I stopped taking all my inhalers and breathing treatments. Instead of a pack a day of smokes Im 2-3packs. I don't care just like you. I havent been to pulmonary since before my son died. I have multiple blood clotting disorders-when my son died I stopped taking my blood thinner shots- I don't care. The 28th I had a heart attack. Cardiologist had tons of questions- how long have I been off my blood thinner? why did I stop doing them? Why am I still smoking 2 pack a day with how severe my lungs are? I said I have a son up there waiting to be reunited. He said are you telling me you want to die? had to fix that before I landed in psych. I had to get home to my pets. I said if you ask any bereaved parent they no longer fear death.. He did tests and said 100% I will have more heart attacks. It's giving me a bit to think about. I can't leave my younger son with survivor guilt. I am now doing my blood thinner shots and taking the heart meds.

No one mentions my sons name. It's 24/7 non stop in my mind. I wish people would mention his name than I know he's loved and remembered. It wont hurt me to hear it. I have been very vocal on facebook and with family about my grief. I died with my son, I broke so bad I can never be repaired. I don't put a mask on. I dont have the strength to try, I'm just destroyed. my kids were my life I was a single mom and all I knew was being mom. Who am I now?

I am so so sorry that we share this pain. My pm box is always open. AS well as we can discuss in this thread. Knowing there are other parents here who are as broken as we are. We can provide support to each other. Maybe when our time is no longer here on the forum other parents may read and our experiences and discussions may benefit them. I know it nothing can take our pain away. but I want to send you my love and a hug.

While I'm not a parent, I hope my story is ok to post here:

Ever since I was little, I always knew why I was born on Earth. It's a feeling. An absolute knowing it to be true. I always said it but I'm not sure anyone ever believed me. You see, my mom was an angel. I know everybody always says that about a family member they love but in this case it is true.

Ever since she was little, there were qualities about her that many people would see in her that made her different from others. From her always smiling, to her uplifting personality. You would feel bathed in love just being around her. You would feel there was nothing you couldn't do in life. Whatever and whoever she touched, she would also turn them successful or angelic like as well. Even her pets became like little angels... beautiful and with the best personality in the world.

Oftentimes, strangers would approach her and would want to talk with her. Many times about their own problems in life. And after they were done, it was as if they were healed. This didn't mean my mom didn't have problems of her own. In fact, she had many problems. Most of the problems came from others who would try their hardest to destroy what she had inside. To bring her down to their level.

With time, the hatred others had inside of them did chip away little by little. It started with gossip. Lies that weren't true. Very bizarre and wild lies. The jealousy was so bad in some that a neighbor for many years jumped the wall at night and would poison her flower garden that she watered everyday, bushes and trees, etc., All poisoned. Others would damage her cars. It was as if people become so jealous of her, that they all wanted to leave their mark. Each person would throw a stone at her metaphorically speaking. Each person rationalized it was no big deal as it was only one or two stones they threw at her. But the accumulation of the stones did wear you down. It was as if everyday, there was someone there to throw another stone at her.

My mom was able to brush all this off for all those years. Forgiveness. 20 years ago, the success and happiness in her families life, her family decided they all wanted to live a different life. Drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, lying, cheating, stealing. And so they also joined in throwing rocks at her. Horrified by this change, my mom tried bring them back to sanity. To reality that what they were doing was wrong. It didn't work.

Because of her extreme love for her family and her angelic qualities, I know without a doubt she took on the negative karma of her family upon herself. She knew what the future was for her family. Because of what they were doing. So that her loved ones would not be destroyed in the future. A short while later her health was devastated. Her husband, children, friends all walked away in her time of need. You could now see it was all a one way relationship with everyone. She helped everyone in the world while basically everyone walked away.

And so I became her caretaker for "many" years. Just my mom and I in life. Our bond became even greater during this time. I prayed to take on her suffering. To change places. It worked. I lessened her pain and took on the suffering. We were now both suffering but at least hers was lessened. I sacrificed my entire life. All my money gone. All my happiness and joy in the world is gone. Bad health issues to where my heart gives out and so on.

I always told her that when she passes away, I'll be right behind her. So when she did pass away last year, my purpose in life was over. Sure enough, my heart gave way. I was dying. I was glad. When I finally died, I had a NDE with my mom in it. After my NDE, I knew I had more to do and my health got a bit better. I was no longer visiting the ER every 2 weeks. When my mom passed last year and I nearly died, most of what made up me is gone. I can only describe the feeling as if half or more of me is in heaven while the other half is here on Earth suffering with all this pain to get more empathy for others, perseverance and a stronger will.

I've lost many people in my life. Nothing compared to me losing my mom last year. It feels as if the majority of me has already passed.

thank you for sharing. Your mom sounds like a very special lady angel. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I would love to hear about your NDE. I'm going to share some with you. It;s crazy but our experiences are very similar.

I believe my son was an angel given to me to change my life. I became a single mom at 20. Prior-I was born into an abusive home. My abusive father died when I was 15. About 6 months later I met bf more evil than my father. After that relationship ended I was VERY mixed up. Suicidal. When my son came into my life I learned love and happiness. I changed for my son. Yes, there were struggles in life and everyone I know always told me I am one of the strongest person they know. I had to be-for my son. When he was 8 1/2 I had his baby brother. When my son was older and in fact it's in our last text messages-how he was given to me an angel to change my life. If I didn't have him I would have committed suicide or drank myself to death.

2013 when my son was 21 I had full respiratory failure on life support. The crit care team sat down my mom and son. Apparently they told them normally they give 30 days but my lungs were so bad they had 10 days to make decisions. If my family couldn't decide the team decided they would shut off life support. The choices were- shut off life support or allow them to put a trach in and I would be bed ridden hooked up to a ventilator for the rest of my life. That my lungs were so damaged I would never breathe on my own again. My mom said or we can turn off life support now. Thee head doctor pointed at my 21 yr old son and said- He is her next of kin. It's his decision. They had me in a medical induced coma to give my body a chance to heal and so IU didnt rip things out. They use less meds to bring you out and more to bring you deeper. I went to deep and they couldn't bring me out-I was dying. Anyway-one day I woke up. About 10 days later I was discharged on oxygen. I forced them to let me go home for my younger son. They released me with my older son as caregiver and a visiting nurse. In relation to your experience- prior I would be in hospital 4x a year with exacerbations-lung flares.. my lungs were better. I've had a few scary flares but no more 4x a year for solumed.

My son took such good care of me 6 months later I was off the oxygen. My vascular doc said when I was out of hospital at first I was so sickly and frail they thought I was dying and here 6 months later they can't physically see how sick I truly am. It was my angel, my son who did it. He died at 25 in a car accident. He still lived at home to take care of me. We were VERY close 1- because he and I were alone for his first 8 1/2 years, than at 15 he became man of the house than my care giver. A girl from his care club told me she wanted to date him. I knew about an 18 yr old girl-my son was also my best friend and talked to me about almost everything. she said he told her my mom comes first, she needs me and if you cannot accept that we cant be together. Oct 9th he discussed bringing a girl to meet me that weekend. He was ready to settle down and he felt she was the one. He died Oct 13th. Oct 14th his car club held a huge ceremony for him. So many told what an amazing man friend person he was. How he was to good for this earth. I met the girl he talked about at the ceremony- there were well over 200ppl there for my son. She & I remain in contact. He told her if they live together they would first have to live with me as my lungs are unpredictable and my other health issues I need him. Than when they move he had to be close if I need him. How you feel about your mom I wonder if my son felt the same.

He was my angel I have believed that his entire life. The me before him and the me after him is night and day. Maybe where ever they are your mom and my son have met and inspired you to share. I look for signs from my son in everything. I am so sorry people were evil and did those horrible things to your mom. I'm so sorry you have lost your angel. She works through you, I believe that. I've said I'm 3/4 in heaven with my son and 1/4 here trying to figure out how to live vs exist so I can fix things with my younger son. You are not alone hunny. Again, I would love to hear more about your NDE. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your angel. When I lost mine I lost my mind.. sending you some love and a hug from a mom who wants nothing more than 1 last hug from my son. 1 last hug, 1 last I love you Ma

I lost my son in 2018! I shouldn't still be here my life is so hard. He was Perfect, everything to live for he had achieved so much in his life! He got in with the wrong people after a break up with his girlfriend started to drink and take drugs, he was 21 and never really had a drink but he had an amazing life, an amazing job and had everything. I have no strength without him I just want peace but it is so difficult to leave this world, I'm so tired and I don't to be here without my son. I've tried to take my life a few times now, the next time has to be the final and last time and must not fail. I can't keep doing this but I'm still here! Why!!! Love to you all I hope oneday we will find peace from this hell

I lost my son October 2017. I';ve only stayed here because I have a soon to be 20 yr old son. He moved out at 18. I can say it was the best thing for his mental health. I was a broken mess. I'm so very sorry you share this pain. I've told my family I am in hell. I have helped anyone I could, even put up 3 homeless people. I tried to be a good person and I am in hell. People tell me I was the strongest person they knew-yes because I had my son. He was my glue and my strength. I died with him. I just exist in mental torment and hell. I am so sorry you share this pain. Sending you much love and hugs.

 

[Goodbye710]

I can relate to everything you have said. It's almost like you have been placed inside me and put what my existence is. My younger son turned 18 and almost a yr and a half to the day moved out to my ex inlaws-he got very angry I bought crickets for a snake he caught. It was just a final straw for him. I died the day my older son dies. I totally lost my mind. I know for my younger sons mental health he did the right thing. I was so out of my mind I begged him for his permission to let me kill myself. We do speak-very little. Sept I think it was he reached out more. He bought me a game on steam, we played and talked on discord. He was texting and calling. I was focused on him. After we got past the day in October my older son died he became distant again. My ex in laws have been trying to get me to move there.. I dont want to upset my son more so iits day by day

I have advanced for age emphysema. Ive had respiratory failure from it. When my son died I stopped taking all my inhalers and breathing treatments. Instead of a pack a day of smokes Im 2-3packs. I don't care just like you. I havent been to pulmonary since before my son died. I have multiple blood clotting disorders-when my son died I stopped taking my blood thinner shots- I don't care. The 28th I had a heart attack. Cardiologist had tons of questions- how long have I been off my blood thinner? why did I stop doing them? Why am I still smoking 2 pack a day with how severe my lungs are? I said I have a son up there waiting to be reunited. He said are you telling me you want to die? had to fix that before I landed in psych. I had to get home to my pets. I said if you ask any bereaved parent they no longer fear death.. He did tests and said 100% I will have more heart attacks. It's giving me a bit to think about. I can't leave my younger son with survivor guilt. I am now doing my blood thinner shots and taking the heart meds.

No one mentions my sons name. It's 24/7 non stop in my mind. I wish people would mention his name than I know he's loved and remembered. It wont hurt me to hear it. I have been very vocal on facebook and with family about my grief. I died with my son, I broke so bad I can never be repaired. I don't put a mask on. I dont have the strength to try, I'm just destroyed. my kids were my life I was a single mom and all I knew was being mom. Who am I now?

I am so so sorry that we share this pain. My pm box is always open. AS well as we can discuss in this thread. Knowing there are other parents here who are as broken as we are. We can provide support to each other. Maybe when our time is no longer here on the forum other parents may read and our experiences and discussions may benefit them. I know it nothing can take our pain away. but I want to send you my love and a hug.

thank you for sharing. Your mom sounds like a very special lady angel. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I would love to hear about your NDE. I'm going to share some with you. It;s crazy but our experiences are very similar.

I believe my son was an angel given to me to change my life. I became a single mom at 20. Prior-I was born into an abusive home. My abusive father died when I was 15. About 6 months later I met bf more evil than my father. After that relationship ended I was VERY mixed up. Suicidal. When my son came into my life I learned love and happiness. I changed for my son. Yes, there were struggles in life and everyone I know always told me I am one of the strongest person they know. I had to be-for my son. When he was 8 1/2 I had his baby brother. When my son was older and in fact it's in our last text messages-how he was given to me an angel to change my life. If I didn't have him I would have committed suicide or drank myself to death.

2013 when my son was 21 I had full respiratory failure on life support. The crit care team sat down my mom and son. Apparently they told them normally they give 30 days but my lungs were so bad they had 10 days to make decisions. If my family couldn't decide the team decided they would shut off life support. The choices were- shut off life support or allow them to put a trach in and I would be bed ridden hooked up to a ventilator for the rest of my life. That my lungs were so damaged I would never breathe on my own again. My mom said or we can turn off life support now. Thee head doctor pointed at my 21 yr old son and said- He is her next of kin. It's his decision. They had me in a medical induced coma to give my body a chance to heal and so IU didnt rip things out. They use less meds to bring you out and more to bring you deeper. I went to deep and they couldn't bring me out-I was dying. Anyway-one day I woke up. About 10 days later I was discharged on oxygen. I forced them to let me go home for my younger son. They released me with my older son as caregiver and a visiting nurse. In relation to your experience- prior I would be in hospital 4x a year with exacerbations-lung flares.. my lungs were better. I've had a few scary flares but no more 4x a year for solumed.

My son took such good care of me 6 months later I was off the oxygen. My vascular doc said when I was out of hospital at first I was so sickly and frail they thought I was dying and here 6 months later they can't physically see how sick I truly am. It was my angel, my son who did it. He died at 25 in a car accident. He still lived at home to take care of me. We were VERY close 1- because he and I were alone for his first 8 1/2 years, than at 15 he became man of the house than my care giver. A girl from his care club told me she wanted to date him. I knew about an 18 yr old girl-my son was also my best friend and talked to me about almost everything. she said he told her my mom comes first, she needs me and if you cannot accept that we cant be together. Oct 9th he discussed bringing a girl to meet me that weekend. He was ready to settle down and he felt she was the one. He died Oct 13th. Oct 14th his car club held a huge ceremony for him. So many told what an amazing man friend person he was. How he was to good for this earth. I met the girl he talked about at the ceremony- there were well over 200ppl there for my son. She & I remain in contact. He told her if they live together they would first have to live with me as my lungs are unpredictable and my other health issues I need him. Than when they move he had to be close if I need him. How you feel about your mom I wonder if my son felt the same.

He was my angel I have believed that his entire life. The me before him and the me after him is night and day. Maybe where ever they are your mom and my son have met and inspired you to share. I look for signs from my son in everything. I am so sorry people were evil and did those horrible things to your mom. I'm so sorry you have lost your angel. She works through you, I believe that. I've said I'm 3/4 in heaven with my son and 1/4 here trying to figure out how to live vs exist so I can fix things with my younger son. You are not alone hunny. Again, I would love to hear more about your NDE. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your angel. When I lost mine I lost my mind.. sending you some love and a hug from a mom who wants nothing more than 1 last hug from my son. 1 last hug, 1 last I love you Ma

I lost my son October 2017. I';ve only stayed here because I have a soon to be 20 yr old son. He moved out at 18. I can say it was the best thing for his mental health. I was a broken mess. I'm so very sorry you share this pain. I've told my family I am in hell. I have helped anyone I could, even put up 3 homeless people. I tried to be a good person and I am in hell. People tell me I was the strongest person they knew-yes because I had my son. He was my glue and my strength. I died with him. I just exist in mental torment and hell. I am so sorry you share this pain. Sending you much love and hugs.

I know without a doubt the way I feel about my mom is the way your son would have felt about you. When you take care of someone for so many years, you develop a very special bond. Parents to children or in my case, son to mother.

I'm in my early 40's but the second half of my life I took care of my mom for 17 years helping to lift her up through the hard times. Times that she could not have gone through on her own. In 2013 things went from bad to worse when she had a massive stroke because of what people were putting her through. She had a 33% chance of dying and if she lived, she would have been disabled most likely. She made a very good recovery because I never left her side and showered her with a tremendous amount of love.

I know without a doubt she had a choice to pass away in 2013 or to stay here a little longer. I know she stayed for my sake only. She always said she would only be alive for about 7 years and sure enough that was true.

In 2017 her health deteriorated and I was responsible for everything. Making our bond extremely tight. Like one person. I loved taking care of her. It was the biggest honor and pleasure that I can describe. And so when my mom passed away, it really is like half or 2/3 of me really did die. Alot of my thoughts, my emotions, my physical body really did die that day.

Going through everything I've been through I know without a doubt that a lot of what we experience is fate. We put ourselves on a certain path and on the path they see the difficulties we will experience. If they feel we can't handle it, someone is sent your direction to help lift you up. I was there to lift my mom up. Without a doubt I know that was my purpose and always said it even when I was a child and everything was fine. I also know I was never suppose to make life easy for my mom but am suppose to take enough pain of this world away from her to allow her to complete her life. Like a helping hand.

Regarding my NDE, I always said that when my mom dies, I would die too. It was true. I was dying. I had health problems before but this time I wasn't recovering and so my heart gave out. Couldn't breathe. I couldn't take the suffering anymore and tried to hang myself a couple times. Didn't work. Put a gun to my head but couldn't leave the mess and trauma for someone else to witness. Ordered SN. Cleaned house, paid bills and had checks wrote out to pay my funeral and such. Was hours away but oddly started to feel better so postponed until my body started to fail again.

My blood oxygen levels sometimes gets as low as 82 and one night While sleeping, while I didn't realize it at the time I was struggling to live. My heart. I was dying in my sleep. In my NDE, I was naked but holding a cloth in my hand as I was walking through rectangular hallways where everywhere and everything was pure white. Walking through pure white hallways left and then right a couple times and then I saw my mom. Her back was turned and when I took another step or two forward she turned herself to me. As if she was waiting for me and wanted to give me the biggest hug ever. I could tell she loved me more than I loved her. That she knew everything. It was the reunion they talk about when you die.

However, when I approached I remembered myself naked. I decided to take a couple steps back around the corner to put the cloth around my waist. I was embarrased to be naked. When I took a step back the look and could read my moms mind that she was saying wait. But before I could stop I was sent back in my body. I instantly was yelling in my head no. I knew what it was and what it meant. I knew instantly I had a NDE and that by taking a step back behind the corridor again because I was embarrased being naked I was sent back here.

I also know if I was not embarrased to be naked, I would be on the other side right now. But because I was embarrased and wanted to cover myself, I have more to do in this life. I've been the best person in the world. I never did anything wrong at all in my life but I suspect there is still something I need to work on in my personality. That's why I was embarrased. Because I haven't finished working on my personality to be an even better person. I was embarrased to be on the other side because I didn't finish. I think.

I always told my mom and I think when she was passing away I told her again that it would be like the end of Titanic. That the moment my mom passes away, everybody will be there to greet her. To welcome her and to celebrate her return back. Because I told my mom that, I think my NDE was very similar. Just like the Titanic. Just as emotional of a reunion too.

One thing that I should mention was the timelessness. I felt that time really didn't matter over there. That it doesn't matter if it is 1 day or 1 year or 10 years until I die. That time doesn't matter. That time stands still. Hard to explain. But time feels completely different. I expected the telepathy, the floating feeling even though I was walking, the love, the understanding but the feeling of timelessness really sticks with me. It helps me to stay in this world a little longer. Knowing that when I pass, the time that has elapsed over here doesn't matter.

Everyday, I cry. Some days I'm hysterical. My life is over in the sense there is nothing left in me. I talk to my mom everyday through my thoughts and emotions. I know that she can hear me. It's just us on this side where we have a hard time hearing them. They may not know what we are doing but I'm positive she can hear me and feel my emotions.

What I also know now, just being on this planet can be enough. Just being alive can be an accomplishment. We don't expect much from our pets. They live and transform who they are just by being alive. The same is true for us. I just want to take one day at a time. Dreams of living on a sailboat and that's it.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I know without a doubt the way I feel about my mom is the way your son would have felt about you. When you take care of someone for so many years, you develop a very special bond. Parents to children or in my case, son to mother.

I'm in my early 40's but the second half of my life I took care of my mom for 17 years helping to lift her up through the hard times. Times that she could not have gone through on her own. In 2013 things went from bad to worse when she had a massive stroke because of what people were putting her through. She had a 33% chance of dying and if she lived, she would have been disabled most likely. She made a very good recovery because I never left her side and showered her with a tremendous amount of love.

I know without a doubt she had a choice to pass away in 2013 or to stay here a little longer. I know she stayed for my sake only. She always said she would only be alive for about 7 years and sure enough that was true.

In 2017 her health deteriorated and I was responsible for everything. Making our bond extremely tight. Like one person. I loved taking care of her. It was the biggest honor and pleasure that I can describe. And so when my mom passed away, it really is like half or 2/3 of me really did die. Alot of my thoughts, my emotions, my physical body really did die that day.

Going through everything I've been through I know without a doubt that a lot of what we experience is fate. We put ourselves on a certain path and on the path they see the difficulties we will experience. If they feel we can't handle it, someone is sent your direction to help lift you up. I was there to lift my mom up. Without a doubt I know that was my purpose and always said it even when I was a child and everything was fine. I also know I was never suppose to make life easy for my mom but am suppose to take enough pain of this world away from her to allow her to complete her life. Like a helping hand.

Regarding my NDE, I always said that when my mom dies, I would die too. It was true. I was dying. I had health problems before but this time I wasn't recovering and so my heart gave out. Couldn't breathe. I couldn't take the suffering anymore and tried to hang myself a couple times. Didn't work. Put a gun to my head but couldn't leave the mess and trauma for someone else to witness. Ordered SN. Cleaned house, paid bills and had checks wrote out to pay my funeral and such. Was hours away but oddly started to feel better so postponed until my body started to fail again.

My blood oxygen levels sometimes gets as low as 82 and one night While sleeping, while I didn't realize it at the time I was struggling to live. My heart. I was dying in my sleep. In my NDE, I was naked but holding a cloth in my hand as I was walking through rectangular hallways where everywhere and everything was pure white. Walking through pure white hallways left and then right a couple times and then I saw my mom. Her back was turned and when I took another step or two forward she turned herself to me. As if she was waiting for me and wanted to give me the biggest hug ever. I could tell she loved me more than I loved her. That she knew everything. It was the reunion they talk about when you die.

However, when I approached I remembered myself naked. I decided to take a couple steps back around the corner to put the cloth around my waist. I was embarrased to be naked. When I took a step back the look and could read my moms mind that she was saying wait. But before I could stop I was sent back in my body. I instantly was yelling in my head no. I knew what it was and what it meant. I knew instantly I had a NDE and that by taking a step back behind the corridor again because I was embarrased being naked I was sent back here.

I also know if I was not embarrased to be naked, I would be on the other side right now. But because I was embarrased and wanted to cover myself, I have more to do in this life. I've been the best person in the world. I never did anything wrong at all in my life but I suspect there is still something I need to work on in my personality. That's why I was embarrased. Because I haven't finished working on my personality to be an even better person. I was embarrased to be on the other side because I didn't finish. I think.

I always told my mom and I think when she was passing away I told her again that it would be like the end of Titanic. That the moment my mom passes away, everybody will be there to greet her. To welcome her and to celebrate her return back. Because I told my mom that, I think my NDE was very similar. Just like the Titanic. Just as emotional of a reunion too.

One thing that I should mention was the timelessness. I felt that time really didn't matter over there. That it doesn't matter if it is 1 day or 1 year or 10 years until I die. That time doesn't matter. That time stands still. Hard to explain. But time feels completely different. I expected the telepathy, the floating feeling even though I was walking, the love, the understanding but the feeling of timelessness really sticks with me. It helps me to stay in this world a little longer. Knowing that when I pass, the time that has elapsed over here doesn't matter.

Everyday, I cry. Some days I'm hysterical. My life is over in the sense there is nothing left in me. I talk to my mom everyday through my thoughts and emotions. I know that she can hear me. It's just us on this side where we have a hard time hearing them. They may not know what we are doing but I'm positive she can hear me and feel my emotions.

What I also know now, just being on this planet can be enough. Just being alive can be an accomplishment. We don't expect much from our pets. They live and transform who they are just by being alive. The same is true for us. I just want to take one day at a time. Dreams of living on a sailboat and that's it.

I can't express how very sorry I am that you lost your mother. What an amazing son? sorry if your a daughter. to take care of your mother. I can tell you she was so proud and honored you were there. I also felt as if my son & I were 1. I've said it to my mother that my son & I were created as 1. I am no longer because I died with him.

As a mother whose son took care of her- I was so proud of my son. At 21 he really stepped up. We always had a strong bond. His father didn't want him. I was all he had. When I had the respiratory failure and he became caregiver our bond became much more. I also developed a blood clot in my leg from the triple lumen catheter they had in and my blood clotting disorders. They wanted me to go to a skilled nursing facility. I had to get home for my younger son who was 12. My older son asked the doctors can't she come home if I take care of her? So they let me home with him as caregiver at 21 and a visiting nurse. I wasn't one to sit and waste away. I would go get myself a drink and my son would get so upset. Ma ask me I'll get it. You aren't supposed to be walking. I told him if I just sit I will never get off the oxygen. Hearing how you felt about taking care of your mom brings me some level of comfort. My son died in a car accident on his way to work at 25. He had a great job but lived at home to take care of me. My lungs get bad exacerbations. Since he's passed on I've felt I ruined his life. He didn't settle down with a girl- 4 days before he passed he was texting me he wanted me to meet a girl that weekend. He was now ready to have a relationship. I felt I took away what short life he had because he devoted it to me and his cars.

What an amazing NDE. I've been on life support twice. Once at 18 from cancer and than 2013 for my respiratory failure. I know something happened but I don't know what. I have had some amazing dream visits. I get alot of signs as well. I have a photo of his name in the clouds with a face above it. I also have MOM with a heart photo in the clouds. I talk to him all the time. In my head and out loud. He has told me in dreams I need to learn to know him as a spirit.

It's so unreal how similar our situations are. I want to thank you for sharing. I can find some comfort that my son felt proud and honored to be there for me. I want to tell you, sharing with me is going to stay in my mind and help me on recovery. I just had a heart attack the 28th and I just keep saying to my son, I really wish you were here. I need a hug. I can't die until I make things right with my younger son.

I want to give you a major bear hug. I'm a broken mom without my son and you are equally broken without your mom. I cannot express how sorry I am that you've lost your mom.

 

[Goodbye710]

I can't express how very sorry I am that you lost your mother. What an amazing son? sorry if your a daughter. to take care of your mother. I can tell you she was so proud and honored you were there. I also felt as if my son & I were 1. I've said it to my mother that my son & I were created as 1. I am no longer because I died with him.

As a mother whose son took care of her- I was so proud of my son. At 21 he really stepped up. We always had a strong bond. His father didn't want him. I was all he had. When I had the respiratory failure and he became caregiver our bond became much more. I also developed a blood clot in my leg from the triple lumen catheter they had in and my blood clotting disorders. They wanted me to go to a skilled nursing facility. I had to get home for my younger son who was 12. My older son asked the doctors can't she come home if I take care of her? So they let me home with him as caregiver at 21 and a visiting nurse. I wasn't one to sit and waste away. I would go get myself a drink and my son would get so upset. Ma ask me I'll get it. You aren't supposed to be walking. I told him if I just sit I will never get off the oxygen. Hearing how you felt about taking care of your mom brings me some level of comfort. My son died in a car accident on his way to work at 25. He had a great job but lived at home to take care of me. My lungs get bad exacerbations. Since he's passed on I've felt I ruined his life. He didn't settle down with a girl- 4 days before he passed he was texting me he wanted me to meet a girl that weekend. He was now ready to have a relationship. I felt I took away what short life he had because he devoted it to me and his cars.

What an amazing NDE. I've been on life support twice. Once at 18 from cancer and than 2013 for my respiratory failure. I know something happened but I don't know what. I have had some amazing dream visits. I get alot of signs as well. I have a photo of his name in the clouds with a face above it. I also have MOM with a heart photo in the clouds. I talk to him all the time. In my head and out loud. He has told me in dreams I need to learn to know him as a spirit.

It's so unreal how similar our situations are. I want to thank you for sharing. I can find some comfort that my son felt proud and honored to be there for me. I want to tell you, sharing with me is going to stay in my mind and help me on recovery. I just had a heart attack the 28th and I just keep saying to my son, I really wish you were here. I need a hug. I can't die until I make things right with my younger son.

I want to give you a major bear hug. I'm a broken mom without my son and you are equally broken without your mom. I cannot express how sorry I am that you've lost your mom.

I'm so sorry to hear this is the second worst week of your life With your heart attack and hand. I hope you get better and please take care of yourself.

I tried replying earlier but it gets hard to talk when I'm upset.

Alot of the reason why I wanted to post in this thread is because how close our situations are. Our situations are extremely similar. I'm a man just a little older than your son. Early 40's. I was in the exact position as your son. My mother also had a hard life when she was younger. She needed someone to help her in the second half of her life. My mom had two other sons. They didn't help but did give her warm wishes every now and again but overall they didn't help. I was my mom's full time caregiver. By her side basically 24/7. But the last 3 years was the hardest. Helping to wash and dry her hair. Those kinds of things. Having to hold her hand for her to walk inside the house.

Please understand that you never did inconvenience your son. You never did ruin his life. Please don't feel that way.

My mom felt the same way. Guilty of me having to care for her. It's not like that at all. In fact, in every way she saved me. Made me a better person. Not that I was a bad person before. I've never done anything bad in my life. Always helped whenever I could sort of thing. But your son stepping up and helping you, it made him more angelic like. I've done good things in my life but nothing compares to the proud feeling of taking care of my mom. It's the same feeling that parents would have about their childen. They love their children so much they would do anything for them. It's the same way I know your son would feel about you as that's exactly how I feel about my mom. That I would do anything and very happy in helping. That it was never an inconvenience and never did harm his life and again made me a better person in every way.

I also have an incredible massive amount of guilt for feeling like I did not do enough. Or I should have hugged or kissed her more or did something better. What if scenarios. The truth is I know this guilt isn't true. It just comes from bad thoughts that get in your head but I still deal with a massive amount of guilt even though I did everything 100%.

My mom would look into NDE, EVP, a couple mediums and such and she had her own experiences. We use to talk about the afterlife a bit. I know all this emotion, all this love I have for her allows her and I to still have some contact.

She has called my name a few times while I was sleeping. Dreams with her in it. All sorts of animals, butterflies shortly she passed away. I know she can hear my thoughts and especially my emotions. It's just us on this side that has a hard time.

Please take care of yourself. I hope your heart and hand gets better! You're in my prayers.

 

[Lost1804]

I'm so sorry to hear this is the second worst week of your life With your heart attack and hand. I hope you get better and please take care of yourself.

I tried replying earlier but it gets hard to talk when I'm upset.

Alot of the reason why I wanted to post in this thread is because how close our situations are. Our situations are extremely similar. I'm a man just a little older than your son. Early 40's. I was in the exact position as your son. My mother also had a hard life when she was younger. She needed someone to help her in the second half of her life. My mom had two other sons. They didn't help but did give her warm wishes every now and again but overall they didn't help. I was my mom's full time caregiver. By her side basically 24/7. But the last 3 years was the hardest. Helping to wash and dry her hair. Those kinds of things. Having to hold her hand for her to walk inside the house.

Please understand that you never did inconvenience your son. You never did ruin his life. Please don't feel that way.

My mom felt the same way. Guilty of me having to care for her. It's not like that at all. In fact, in every way she saved me. Made me a better person. Not that I was a bad person before. I've never done anything bad in my life. Always helped whenever I could sort of thing. But your son stepping up and helping you, it made him more angelic like. I've done good things in my life but nothing compares to the proud feeling of taking care of my mom. It's the same feeling that parents would have about their childen. They love their children so much they would do anything for them. It's the same way I know your son would feel about you as that's exactly how I feel about my mom. That I would do anything and very happy in helping. That it was never an inconvenience and never did harm his life and again made me a better person in every way.

I also have an incredible massive amount of guilt for feeling like I did not do enough. Or I should have hugged or kissed her more or did something better. What if scenarios. The truth is I know this guilt isn't true. It just comes from bad thoughts that get in your head but I still deal with a massive amount of guilt even though I did everything 100%.

My mom would look into NDE, EVP, a couple mediums and such and she had her own experiences. We use to talk about the afterlife a bit. I know all this emotion, all this love I have for her allows her and I to still have some contact.

She has called my name a few times while I was sleeping. Dreams with her in it. All sorts of animals, butterflies shortly she passed away. I know she can hear my thoughts and especially my emotions. It's just us on this side that has a hard time.

Please take care of yourself. I hope your heart and hand gets better! You're in my prayers.

What an amazing story of love and compassion. You should be really proud of yourself, because not everyone would devote themselves to caring for someone (even their mums) as thoughtfully and lovingly as you have. You're an incredible person. And so was the son of Sinkinshyp by the sound of it. Such really sad losses for you both.
I've not gone into the detail if my daughters death with anyone. Not even my husband. Nobody knows the things I know, that just eat me out. I can't bring myself to talk about it. But i know I am to blame for losing her that night. And I got sick of hearing people saying "it's not your fault" etc etc when they have no idea what happened that night, I'm the only one who does. It wasn't just a straight forward overdose. It was a long complicated story why/how it happened. Even the coroner didn't record her death as suicide. Which I was so grateful for. I will try to put my daughters life (and mine) into words on here, being totally anonymous. But not now. I've been having a really bad time lately. Its not a good time of year for some of us grieving. And coming up to my daughters birthday now, then her angel-day anniversary.
After almost 3 yrs the pain doesn't get easier, still hits like a punch in the stomach. I still cry everyday. We're just a shattered shell of what we were. Practically all parents who lose a child to suicide carry a mountain of guilt. We all feel guilty when anyone we know dies. Human nature. But when its someone really close we feel it more.
Its tragic when it involves parents and children. Some can eventually pick up the pieces and go on from there. But many more can't. And no, we don't need help, as some cynical people think. There is no rule book, no right or wrong for grieving.
As they say... "grief is love with nowhere to go"
Xxx

 

[Goodbye710]

What an amazing story of love and compassion. You should be really proud of yourself, because not everyone would devote themselves to caring for someone (even their mums) as thoughtfully and lovingly as you have. You're an incredible person. And so was the son of Sinkinshyp by the sound of it. Such really sad losses for you both.
I've not gone into the detail if my daughters death with anyone. Not even my husband. Nobody knows the things I know, that just eat me out. I can't bring myself to talk about it. But i know I am to blame for losing her that night. And I got sick of hearing people saying "it's not your fault" etc etc when they have no idea what happened that night, I'm the only one who does. It wasn't just a straight forward overdose. It was a long complicated story why/how it happened. Even the coroner didn't record her death as suicide. Which I was so grateful for. I will try to put my daughters life (and mine) into words on here, being totally anonymous. But not now. I've been having a really bad time lately. Its not a good time of year for some of us grieving. And coming up to my daughters birthday now, then her angel-day anniversary.
After almost 3 yrs the pain doesn't get easier, still hits like a punch in the stomach. I still cry everyday. We're just a shattered shell of what we were. Practically all parents who lose a child to suicide carry a mountain of guilt. We all feel guilty when anyone we know dies. Human nature. But when its someone really close we feel it more.
Its tragic when it involves parents and children. Some can eventually pick up the pieces and go on from there. But many more can't. And no, we don't need help, as some cynical people think. There is no rule book, no right or wrong for grieving.
As they say... "grief is love with nowhere to go"
Xxx

Thank you very much for those words. It means a lot to me.

I have an extreme amount of guilt but I know that's just my mind twisting things because I know I did everything I could have. It's just all these what if scenarios that run through my mind.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Lost1804! I wish there is something I could do or tell you that would take away your pain.

I know you said nobody wants to bring up your daughters name anymore. The same happened in my family. I told them I think the worst thing that can happen is to forget about her and they understood that. They then let me bring her up and they do as well.

Maybe you can have the same conversation with your family. Because I know, at least for me, bringing up my mom to other family members is helpful. Never bringing up her name is soul crushing.

I'm thinking of you and want nothing but the best for you. You are right that grief is love with nowhere to go. The grief you have shows the tremendous amount of love you have for your daughter. That all this grief really does show how much love you have for your daughter.

If you ever need anything or just want to talk you can always send me a private message.

Sending love to everyone on this thread.