Sometimes, for just a little while, I don't want to die.
It may seem silly but tonight I was watching tbis episode of "Firefly." And it was a great episode. And while watching it I felt all of these emotions. I laughed, and I got sad, and I got worried and excited and touched. And it just made me happy to be alive. Happy to have the priviliged to see such an incredible show which could make me experience all of that. And wanting to live to be able to watch more shows and read more books that can make me experience all of that.
But then after the episode I was reminded of all the bad things in my life. The joblessness, how unattractive and undesireable I am. How I could never hope to write something that good. How I have no one and how much my previous girlfriend breaking up with me still hurts me so much every day despite the fact that it has been months.
I don't believe in an afterlife. But when I crawled into bed just now I had this weird thought. I wished that I could shut my eyes and die and somehow be with her again. Because that would be my heaven.
I know it doesn't work that way. But I'd die literally to be with her again.
I can't live this life. I want to live a life. But I can't live this one. Too much pain and not enough hope.
Been looking for reasons to hope but every time I throw the dice they come up snake eyes. And it keeps getting worse.
I miss her so much.
I don't want to die. I want to be with her again. I want to see more great episodes that make me laugh, and yell, and cry. I want to write something that makes other people feel the same way. But I can't.
It's the fundamental contradiction I struggle with. I want to live. I just can't live this life.
It may seem silly but tonight I was watching tbis episode of "Firefly." And it was a great episode. And while watching it I felt all of these emotions. I laughed, and I got sad, and I got worried and excited and touched. And it just made me happy to be alive. Happy to have the priviliged to see such an incredible show which could make me experience all of that. And wanting to live to be able to watch more shows and read more books that can make me experience all of that.
But then after the episode I was reminded of all the bad things in my life. The joblessness, how unattractive and undesireable I am. How I could never hope to write something that good. How I have no one and how much my previous girlfriend breaking up with me still hurts me so much every day despite the fact that it has been months.
I don't believe in an afterlife. But when I crawled into bed just now I had this weird thought. I wished that I could shut my eyes and die and somehow be with her again. Because that would be my heaven.
I know it doesn't work that way. But I'd die literally to be with her again.
I can't live this life. I want to live a life. But I can't live this one. Too much pain and not enough hope.
Been looking for reasons to hope but every time I throw the dice they come up snake eyes. And it keeps getting worse.
I miss her so much.
I don't want to die. I want to be with her again. I want to see more great episodes that make me laugh, and yell, and cry. I want to write something that makes other people feel the same way. But I can't.
It's the fundamental contradiction I struggle with. I want to live. I just can't live this life.
