The long story short is I have post-finasteride syndrome. I doubt the people who saw my first post months ago are still alive, but if they are, I apologise for drawing attention to myself yet again. I am in a strange predicament because my order of sodium nitrite got cancelled, since I can't figure out where people are getting it from. Anyway, for now I am trapped here with no way out.
Being this depressed is really strange. I simply don't feel anything strongly any more, neither joy nor sadness nor anger. I just feel numb and lifeless. Nothing I do gives me any sense of accomplishment. I can't jack off to porn because of my sexual dysfunction, and I have no motivation for work or study.
I am making half-hearted attempts to learn another language, because in theory I could emigrate and get better medical care in another EU country, but that would require me to give a shit. And I have stopped giving any. My efforts at writing are producing shitty, lifeless prose as well for the same reason.
I'm not going to recover, I don't think. It's not that there aren't treatments of some kind - I could get surgery and get a prosthetic penis fitted if I had enough money. But I can't imagine surviving the stress and pressure of a full time job. What for? I have spent my entire lifetime's worth of hope, motivation and energy since my last suicidal crisis in November. I don't have any fight left in me.
It's not even that my future life would be that bad, aside from having to stab my penis with a needle every time I want to get an erection. I just don't care to prove my worth anymore to people who don't care about me. The woman with sexual dysfunction that I met hooked up with her ex-boyfriend who does have a working penis, so I guess she doesn't need me anymore. So much for us supporting each other through this shit. People are all the same, really. Even women with the same condition as me prefer men who aren't broken.
I'm just tired of everything. I tried, and I failed. I'm not even sad. I just want to go to sleep because hoping for a better future is so exhausting. But until then, I guess I will continue with half-hearted gym sessions and stuff.
Being this depressed is really strange. I simply don't feel anything strongly any more, neither joy nor sadness nor anger. I just feel numb and lifeless. Nothing I do gives me any sense of accomplishment. I can't jack off to porn because of my sexual dysfunction, and I have no motivation for work or study.
I am making half-hearted attempts to learn another language, because in theory I could emigrate and get better medical care in another EU country, but that would require me to give a shit. And I have stopped giving any. My efforts at writing are producing shitty, lifeless prose as well for the same reason.
I'm not going to recover, I don't think. It's not that there aren't treatments of some kind - I could get surgery and get a prosthetic penis fitted if I had enough money. But I can't imagine surviving the stress and pressure of a full time job. What for? I have spent my entire lifetime's worth of hope, motivation and energy since my last suicidal crisis in November. I don't have any fight left in me.
It's not even that my future life would be that bad, aside from having to stab my penis with a needle every time I want to get an erection. I just don't care to prove my worth anymore to people who don't care about me. The woman with sexual dysfunction that I met hooked up with her ex-boyfriend who does have a working penis, so I guess she doesn't need me anymore. So much for us supporting each other through this shit. People are all the same, really. Even women with the same condition as me prefer men who aren't broken.
I'm just tired of everything. I tried, and I failed. I'm not even sad. I just want to go to sleep because hoping for a better future is so exhausting. But until then, I guess I will continue with half-hearted gym sessions and stuff.
