Sometimes I fantasise about just attempting it

[666razorblade]

To be totally honest, I don't ACTUALLY want to ctb. I think about it often, fantasise about it. Even know what methods I'd go for and have a note written out, and a stash of 100+ prescription pills that I probably wouldn't even use since I found better methods. But that said, I don't ACTUALLY want to ctb, I want to live, and experience a lot of things, just not in the state that my life is in now. I mean, I grew up in poverty, I'm unemployed, struggling to survive etc. Graduated college but can't find a job, struggling with loneliness, absolutely just fucking hate myself and the person I am, a bunch of other personal stuff, etc etc. I've been depressed since I was 11, and suicidal since I was 15, and the healthcare system where I live just does not fucking care. I've tried to get help, so, so many times. I have tried, I've seen many different doctors, I've been prescribed different pills that never do anything except make me feel worse, I've tried to get therapy, and they gave me a phone call where I explained that I was suicidal and cutting every day. They told me they'd put me on a waiting list, and it's been over nine months since then. Last time, I wore a short sleeved shirt to the doctors, just so my scars and cuts were on display. He didn't care. At this point, cutting and fantasizing about ctb is my only relief.
Because of all that, sometimes I fantasize about "attempting" ctb and failing on purpose, so that someone might take me seriously when I tell them I'm fucking suicidal.
But I won't, because I know it's not worth the risk of ending up with permanent brain damage or some other ailment. And even if I did attempt it, they probably still wouldn't care. I just wondered if I'm the only one that thinks about purposely failing a ctb just as a last resort attempt to get help, or if others here are like that too.

Grateful for this forum, btw. I've been nothing but shunned whenever I've tried to tell anyone in my life how I feel. You tell someone that you trust that you're suicidal and they change the topic, or ghost you, or stop talking to you completely. I've been keeping all my worst feelings inside. It feels so good to write them down somewhere and know that someone who understands might see it too.

 

[LeapYear]

To be totally honest, I don't ACTUALLY want to ctb. I think about it often, fantasise about it. Even know what methods I'd go for and have a note written out, and a stash of 100+ prescription pills that I probably wouldn't even use since I found better methods. But that said, I don't ACTUALLY want to ctb, I want to live, and experience a lot of things, just not in the state that my life is in now. I mean, I grew up in poverty, I'm unemployed, struggling to survive etc. Graduated college but can't find a job, struggling with loneliness, absolutely just fucking hate myself and the person I am, a bunch of other personal stuff, etc etc. I've been depressed since I was 11, and suicidal since I was 15, and the healthcare system where I live just does not fucking care. I've tried to get help, so, so many times. I have tried, I've seen many different doctors, I've been prescribed different pills that never do anything except make me feel worse, I've tried to get therapy, and they gave me a phone call where I explained that I was suicidal and cutting every day. They told me they'd put me on a waiting list, and it's been over nine months since then. Last time, I wore a short sleeved shirt to the doctors, just so my scars and cuts were on display. He didn't care. At this point, cutting and fantasizing about ctb is my only relief.
Because of all that, sometimes I fantasize about "attempting" ctb and failing on purpose, so that someone might take me seriously when I tell them I'm fucking suicidal.
But I won't, because I know it's not worth the risk of ending up with permanent brain damage or some other ailment. And even if I did attempt it, they probably still wouldn't care. I just wondered if I'm the only one that thinks about purposely failing a ctb just as a last resort attempt to get help, or if others here are like that too.

Grateful for this forum, btw. I've been nothing but shunned whenever I've tried to tell anyone in my life how I feel. You tell someone that you trust that you're suicidal and they change the topic, or ghost you, or stop talking to you completely. I've been keeping all my worst feelings inside. It feels so good to write them down somewhere and know that someone who understands might see it too.

I can very much relate with that last part. I attempted to ctb once and very few of my friends actually know about it but those who do started treating me differently, even distancing themselves from me and reducing contact. It's very hard to find someone that you can talk to openly without being judged. I sincerely hope that you will get the treatment you need and find one that works for you to feel better.

 

[MrDarkness]

I know the feeling, when I was in junior I always thought of suicide in a warm glow