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Wow I live in the countryside and when we were younger we had a hedgehog come into our garden. We called it Percy but then my mum had to give up as it was protected. Sad times.
my son loves gorillaz, I've gotta be honest though I preferred Damon albarn with blur, I remember in the 90s there was a huge blur/ oasis war lol. Blur helped me when nirvana ended. God I'm so old!
Good lucks for tomorrow @Garbage Person
I'll shoot you a message in the morning/ afternoon time
Big loves
my son loves gorillaz, I've gotta be honest though I preferred Damon albarn with blur, I remember in the 90s there was a huge blur/ oasis war lol. Blur helped me when nirvana ended. God I'm so old!
Good lucks for tomorrow @Garbage Person
I'll shoot you a message in the morning/ afternoon time
Big loves
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@Underscore Yeah, there are hedgehog breeders in the area. They make really great pets, easy to care for compared to many.
@Funkymonks I remember Blur, kind of a shame they'll just be remembered for song 2 haha. I love how much Gorillaz evolved over the years. Each album has its own feel. Self titled, Demon Days, and the b sides from each album will always be my favorites. I honestly don't like Humanz at all, it's just not my style. A few of the new singles are pretty good though, glad I checked them out.
@Funkymonks I remember Blur, kind of a shame they'll just be remembered for song 2 haha. I love how much Gorillaz evolved over the years. Each album has its own feel. Self titled, Demon Days, and the b sides from each album will always be my favorites. I honestly don't like Humanz at all, it's just not my style. A few of the new singles are pretty good though, glad I checked them out.
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
Interview went well. I have to drop some documents off on Monday so they can start the background check. While it's good news, today has been an odd one for me mentally. I felt phenomenal this morning, but I've somehow had a total 180 turnaround over the last two hours and now suicidal and homicidal thoughts are running rampant. I'm so tired of this. I've been in this apartment for just about a week and I already feel like I'm going stir crazy. I need some sort of interaction or excitement in my life and I'm not even sure what that could be. I'm so fucking sick of being alone, but I know the alternatives are equally disappointing even if they were an option. I should be happy about job prospects, but at the moment, I'm just not. I hope I can go back to sleep soon and not be plagued with nightmares. The whole everything is just rancid to me right now.
AvaAdore
When will it be?
- Jul 20, 2020
- 159
If you get this position maybe once you start working there you will feel less secluded.
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
I think all I needed was a bit of rest. I feel just fine again after having a nap. I feel like I should explain something that I haven't touched on much throughout my time here. When I mention homicidal thoughts, it seems like something that should be cleared up before I appear as a monster.
Often times when I have suicidal thoughts, I start to place blame on our systems in place that seek to exploit us through an indoctrination process and dehumanization, using basic reward systems to justify the exploitation and abuse. I see police, our congressmen, and the ultra wealthy as an enemy. The function of police is social control and protection of property. They are ultimately just state and federally funded gangs. I'll always see myself as pro choice, and personally, I want to die happy or for a cause, and wish others a satisfying death as well. When I see these riots unfolding nationwide, I can't help but take a pro violence stance. I fully believe that if these people want a real, lasting change, they would need to be willing to kill and die for it. They are clearly not. They are looting, and simply making a scene. It's a statement, not a rebellion. It won't make lasting waves, just a splash in the puddle.
When I get to that point of being fed up and feeling like I want to die, I often daydream of going out making waves and seeking to eliminate those that control the masses and seek to destroy their spirits, and propagate destructive cultures, fads, and philosophies through media, even if all I could make was a dent in the corruption. I do not condone killing civilians, and my homicidal thoughts are not related to old relationships or anything like that. I guess I've just always wanted a greater purpose. I have always been a rebel at heart. I also feel guilt when I snap out of it as I'd like to be a lover and just distract myself, be peaceful. It's not like I have the answers anyway, I just don't like feeling controlled. I'm an anarchist at heart even if it is a rather juvenile mindset. At least a nation without government would allow communities to decide for themselves how to proceed. If it just became fighting over territories, at least that's far more natural across all species, not this synthetic and systematically controlled environment and society that currently barely functions.
I have been having a lot of trouble lately with my emotions. I feel loved but I wish I could fully embrace myself. I keep telling myself to just push towards my goals of helping others, but I hate that I have to play by the rules of a system that I'd rather see dismantled. I keep getting stuck in loops where I end up not knowing what I want, or where I feel like I might have a sense of belonging. It's common for me to just sleep it all away because I don't feel like I have answers for myself on what I should do, where I should go, who to associate with.
There are two members here that I talk with daily and I love them both dearly. Their support is all I have to ground myself at times. At the very least, I'm thankful I'm not alone. I really hope I haven't dug a grave here for myself with my postings. I don't know if I'm a loon or not and how I'm perceived may not be anywhere near what I suspect. Maybe I come off as insane, ignorant, and useless. Maybe it's the opposite. Maybe it shouldn't matter or maybe what people think of you is everything and dictates your livelihood. I just don't know anything anymore. I'm just glad I don't feel like complete shit at this very moment. If I ever fly off the rails and end up killing some cops, some fat cat banker, CEO, or a political figure, don't light a candle in my honor, set a dumpster ablaze.
Often times when I have suicidal thoughts, I start to place blame on our systems in place that seek to exploit us through an indoctrination process and dehumanization, using basic reward systems to justify the exploitation and abuse. I see police, our congressmen, and the ultra wealthy as an enemy. The function of police is social control and protection of property. They are ultimately just state and federally funded gangs. I'll always see myself as pro choice, and personally, I want to die happy or for a cause, and wish others a satisfying death as well. When I see these riots unfolding nationwide, I can't help but take a pro violence stance. I fully believe that if these people want a real, lasting change, they would need to be willing to kill and die for it. They are clearly not. They are looting, and simply making a scene. It's a statement, not a rebellion. It won't make lasting waves, just a splash in the puddle.
When I get to that point of being fed up and feeling like I want to die, I often daydream of going out making waves and seeking to eliminate those that control the masses and seek to destroy their spirits, and propagate destructive cultures, fads, and philosophies through media, even if all I could make was a dent in the corruption. I do not condone killing civilians, and my homicidal thoughts are not related to old relationships or anything like that. I guess I've just always wanted a greater purpose. I have always been a rebel at heart. I also feel guilt when I snap out of it as I'd like to be a lover and just distract myself, be peaceful. It's not like I have the answers anyway, I just don't like feeling controlled. I'm an anarchist at heart even if it is a rather juvenile mindset. At least a nation without government would allow communities to decide for themselves how to proceed. If it just became fighting over territories, at least that's far more natural across all species, not this synthetic and systematically controlled environment and society that currently barely functions.
I have been having a lot of trouble lately with my emotions. I feel loved but I wish I could fully embrace myself. I keep telling myself to just push towards my goals of helping others, but I hate that I have to play by the rules of a system that I'd rather see dismantled. I keep getting stuck in loops where I end up not knowing what I want, or where I feel like I might have a sense of belonging. It's common for me to just sleep it all away because I don't feel like I have answers for myself on what I should do, where I should go, who to associate with.
There are two members here that I talk with daily and I love them both dearly. Their support is all I have to ground myself at times. At the very least, I'm thankful I'm not alone. I really hope I haven't dug a grave here for myself with my postings. I don't know if I'm a loon or not and how I'm perceived may not be anywhere near what I suspect. Maybe I come off as insane, ignorant, and useless. Maybe it's the opposite. Maybe it shouldn't matter or maybe what people think of you is everything and dictates your livelihood. I just don't know anything anymore. I'm just glad I don't feel like complete shit at this very moment. If I ever fly off the rails and end up killing some cops, some fat cat banker, CEO, or a political figure, don't light a candle in my honor, set a dumpster ablaze.
If you end up killing a cop or whatever, I'll find your grave and blow my nose on it for good measure, hahaha! Then you'll always have my nose essence and nose love with you forever!
Uzera
Member
- Apr 11, 2020
- 81
So I caught up on this thread a little bit. I'm glad to hear you got into a place. I actually didn't know what happened and I was worried you were gonna have to go back to floating around. I read the NPC thing you wrote a ways up and I want you to know that no matter you do you will never ever ever be an NPC. You may have an NPC job or clothes or lifestyle, but that lifestyle you came from isn't all bad. It's a part of you. Not to say it's something you want to live in as a lifestyle forever but it gives you character. I think it makes you a very special person. Not everybody is like us or a lot the people I see in this here thread or this website. Why do you think the people here are nicer than most? my guess is they know what it's like to struggle and they know what the world is really like. Things like that can make special people I think even if the shit they went through was awful. Anyways I appreciate you. I appreciate this site. It's like an oasis in a desert of empathy or humanity that our world is.
Also my friend just got a hedgehog, they are fucking A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E get one if you can. Glad to hear you're sleeping and loading up on good food. Maybe I can share some recipes with you sometime. Between living in extreme poverty and being a vegetarian I've become a pretty decent cook if I do say so myself lol.
Also that fear and laziness thing you posted up there? My feeling is it's a cycle. Fear and laziness fuel each other. The way that guy frames it in the movie it's as if it's one or the other but I don't think so. I think sometimes the anxiety and fear can keep you in a laziness cycle. Sometimes being lazy keeps you afraid.
Hope you are well Nose.
So I read this after I wrote the post I just did a minute ago, yeah don't worry about being an NPC lmao. I feel it though. The pigs in charge are totally corrupt and they have brainwashed the masses. I've had to learn not to waste my breathe on people who don't have thoughts anymore because it's a waste of my energy. You can't talk sense into a zombie. I feel it about the Anarchy though. I thought when the riots started they were gonna burn the country too. With the world, my thoughts are like, there's nothing I can do to change it. People can't be reached and I can't change the world. I think i'm just trying to focus on how do I not be totally miserable. I'd like to help people around me that need it more. Even if it's only in small ways maybe they would feel like someone cares.
You never have to worry about going on a violent lunatic anarchist ranting around me nose. Actually i go on those myself and worry about the reactions too so you don't have to feel alone in that lol!
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Your not ignorant, insane or useless.
And yes you are loved and respected and very much valued!
I think you should read up on some Irish history and the troubles, there's nothing wrong with being a rebel at heart. Equally there's nothing wrong with being a peaceful citizen either.
The amount of times I've wanted to kill the police, particularly in my youth is staggering!!
I tend to focus on the smaller things now because living here it can be very easy to indulge a mindset that can lead to a path of destruction.
You have an idea of the direction you want to go in with helping others as I've said to you before your already doing that.
but also take in some time for you. Take a time out each day and do something nice for yourself. You deserve it!
Small gestures can make a big impact.
Big loves xx
And yes you are loved and respected and very much valued!
I think you should read up on some Irish history and the troubles, there's nothing wrong with being a rebel at heart. Equally there's nothing wrong with being a peaceful citizen either.
The amount of times I've wanted to kill the police, particularly in my youth is staggering!!
I tend to focus on the smaller things now because living here it can be very easy to indulge a mindset that can lead to a path of destruction.
You have an idea of the direction you want to go in with helping others as I've said to you before your already doing that.
but also take in some time for you. Take a time out each day and do something nice for yourself. You deserve it!
Small gestures can make a big impact.
Big loves xx
Uzera
Member
- Apr 11, 2020
- 81
I think those are natural feelings about killing. people must have had those feelings during the many wars and revolutions humanity has gone through. It's part of injustice methinks. Not to say you should go out act on them either I just don't beat myself up for feeling like that sometimes anymore. I read about cops dying and I really don't care anymore. How many people have they killed or kidnapped and put in a cell? Rules that are mostly enforced for poor people or minorities. The media puts them up on a pedestal too. I see headlines about cops dying from Covid but I don't see headlines for the other 160,000 people that have died in this country. Frustrating. I can't focus on it too much. The small things like you said otherwise i'd probably go nuts.
Sounds like you are just voicing the sort of thing many people feel but are afraid to admit. Here is a good place to do it and the fact that no one has jumped down your throat seems to indicate it's not utterly irrational to feel the desire to lash out in rebellion even if you'd never do it.
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@Cupcake LOL Hey nose! You'd be blowing your nostrils out on a tree though. Just throw my corpse in a hole and plant a tree. Let my body become useful for the worms and be one with the soil. No need for silly tombstones and boxes. I've been in a box my whole life, just let me be reclaimed. So yeah, just go snot rocket the tree lol. Love you nose, and your nose essence.
@Uzera I would gladly try some new recipes. I eat everything, least picky eater I've ever known. Glad you feel I'm incapable of becoming an NPC. No worse feeling than possibly becoming a simp or basic bitch either. I try to remain grounded and not be a needy individual. I'm starting to miss old habits but I'm keeping it crisp so far. I feel like laziness and fear just become more prevalent as generations go on. We're very spoiled in some ways and I'm sure past generations didn't have so much time to worry, their lifestyles would not have permitted so much idle time, more obvious the further we look back. I'm glad I don't have to worry about talks of rampaging with yourself or anyone else here. Sometimes it raises eyebrows, rightfully so I suppose. Overall, putting some positivity into the world has to do some sort of good. At least I can sleep at night (all of the time).
@Funkymonks Thanks monk! I'm glad you understand as well. It's a beast I choose not to feed and I hope I'm making the right call. I'm surprised that out of almost 330 million individuals, we've yet to see anyone here really do much to oppose our masters in a more violent manner. We get mass shooters that shake things up a bit, but it just seems like somewhat misplaced rage. Most violent crime here seems to be gang related or random. I'd rather not carry the guilt of being a murderer, I'm tit for tat so being suicidal can feed into it, but I'm stable enough to leave this place without the guilt. Who am I to be judge, jury, and executioner? It just doesn't fit me even if there is a raging fire inside. Love you monk, thanks for being awesome.
@Underscore Thanks, and exactly. I'd never act on it, I don't have the means anyway. It would cost so much time and money to plot something that even had a chance of getting anything accomplished, as well as finding a group that could work together and didn't have loose lips to fuck the whole thing. If I had a better understanding of organic chemistry, physics, robotics, software engineering, explosives, and access to trusted international black markets, then I would probably try to make moves. As it is, it's a fantasy and not one worth pursuing. I certainly wouldn't admit it anywhere online anyway. Hope you're well today.
I slept and slept some more. Slept through the call from my counselor, didn't do a fucking thing over the last 24 hours. Now I'm drinking coffee and trying to psych myself up to go out in the world and do shit. It's cozy here on the 9th floor. I can look out and not be staring at someone's house or busy streets, unless I look down of course. I had a moment yesterday where I questioned just running and diving out of the thing, but I just can't do the whole jumping thing. I'd have to really be out of my mind for a spectacular finish like that. I imagine onlookers just holding up 10/10 signs, watch me do a barrel roll on my way down. Ugh. I'm going back to chugging coffee. Hope you're doing jolly fucking good today.
@Uzera I would gladly try some new recipes. I eat everything, least picky eater I've ever known. Glad you feel I'm incapable of becoming an NPC. No worse feeling than possibly becoming a simp or basic bitch either. I try to remain grounded and not be a needy individual. I'm starting to miss old habits but I'm keeping it crisp so far. I feel like laziness and fear just become more prevalent as generations go on. We're very spoiled in some ways and I'm sure past generations didn't have so much time to worry, their lifestyles would not have permitted so much idle time, more obvious the further we look back. I'm glad I don't have to worry about talks of rampaging with yourself or anyone else here. Sometimes it raises eyebrows, rightfully so I suppose. Overall, putting some positivity into the world has to do some sort of good. At least I can sleep at night (all of the time).
@Funkymonks Thanks monk! I'm glad you understand as well. It's a beast I choose not to feed and I hope I'm making the right call. I'm surprised that out of almost 330 million individuals, we've yet to see anyone here really do much to oppose our masters in a more violent manner. We get mass shooters that shake things up a bit, but it just seems like somewhat misplaced rage. Most violent crime here seems to be gang related or random. I'd rather not carry the guilt of being a murderer, I'm tit for tat so being suicidal can feed into it, but I'm stable enough to leave this place without the guilt. Who am I to be judge, jury, and executioner? It just doesn't fit me even if there is a raging fire inside. Love you monk, thanks for being awesome.
@Underscore Thanks, and exactly. I'd never act on it, I don't have the means anyway. It would cost so much time and money to plot something that even had a chance of getting anything accomplished, as well as finding a group that could work together and didn't have loose lips to fuck the whole thing. If I had a better understanding of organic chemistry, physics, robotics, software engineering, explosives, and access to trusted international black markets, then I would probably try to make moves. As it is, it's a fantasy and not one worth pursuing. I certainly wouldn't admit it anywhere online anyway. Hope you're well today.
I slept and slept some more. Slept through the call from my counselor, didn't do a fucking thing over the last 24 hours. Now I'm drinking coffee and trying to psych myself up to go out in the world and do shit. It's cozy here on the 9th floor. I can look out and not be staring at someone's house or busy streets, unless I look down of course. I had a moment yesterday where I questioned just running and diving out of the thing, but I just can't do the whole jumping thing. I'd have to really be out of my mind for a spectacular finish like that. I imagine onlookers just holding up 10/10 signs, watch me do a barrel roll on my way down. Ugh. I'm going back to chugging coffee. Hope you're doing jolly fucking good today.
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
Getting that hedgehog Sunday by the way. I'll be driving about 6 hours round trip for the little guy. They've been sending me pictures this morning, giving me plenty of choices from the new litter. Pretty stoked about it. I have to go buy everything I need between today and tomorrow.
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@Funkymonks Definitely. I'm making coffee now to wake the hell up, even though I've been up for the last few hours already. I'll be heading out shortly though. Hope people are well today. I'm alive.
Hope your little buddy brings you joy!!
People always recommend having a pet to help through hard times!
there must be something to it!
People always recommend having a pet to help through hard times!
there must be something to it!
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@Funkymonks He definitely will! Had to get a dehumidifier for the studio. The humidity was at 75%, way too much for the little guy. Temps seem to be fine. It's already a joy.
@Underscore wait no longer. I've had a hard time getting pics that aren't blurry while handling him, he's a mover and that's great! Seems super healthy and curious. I'll upload better pics at some point. I'm trying to just let him relax. I'm sure the 2 hour drive back wasn't fun for him, I had to rest myself as well. I hate driving through St Louis, people don't know where they're going and people either drive 100 mph or 40, there's no in between. I've just been letting him get used to the cage and handled him for an hour to let him get used to my scent. Just want him to relax for now.
Behold, Nose!
@Underscore wait no longer. I've had a hard time getting pics that aren't blurry while handling him, he's a mover and that's great! Seems super healthy and curious. I'll upload better pics at some point. I'm trying to just let him relax. I'm sure the 2 hour drive back wasn't fun for him, I had to rest myself as well. I hate driving through St Louis, people don't know where they're going and people either drive 100 mph or 40, there's no in between. I've just been letting him get used to the cage and handled him for an hour to let him get used to my scent. Just want him to relax for now.
Behold, Nose!
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Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
Dropped off my documents today for the background check. I'll definitely be getting the job if that all comes back okay. My only concern is that my suicide attempt will cost me the chance. I'm unsure of what I'll do if it comes to that. I'll try to stay positive for now though. I had to sign papers today to acknowledge that I understand the physical, emotional, and psychological toll that the job can take on you, and that's why I'm worried about mental health checks. We'll see.
The hog is doing great. I just had him asleep in my shirt pocket for a while. I think it's the perfect pet for me. They sleep a lot, and mostly just wake up to eat, play, and shit. I can relate.
There really isn't much else new going on. I didn't go to the sales job today. They called and I just kind of played dumb about my shift. I'll go in tomorrow, I just didn't want to deal with it today. I've been in a good mood and I don't want public service to fuck that up for me. I'm going to be acquiring N for someone and may very well get myself a bottle as well just as a back up. If my attempt fucks me out of this job, I might as well finish the job. I'd sadly have to find a new home for my spiky dude and that thought kind of breaks my heart.
If the job works out and I have stable income, I'm going to try raising some carnivorous plants and growing mushrooms. Been digging into sources for spores and what all I need to get started.
The hog is doing great. I just had him asleep in my shirt pocket for a while. I think it's the perfect pet for me. They sleep a lot, and mostly just wake up to eat, play, and shit. I can relate.
There really isn't much else new going on. I didn't go to the sales job today. They called and I just kind of played dumb about my shift. I'll go in tomorrow, I just didn't want to deal with it today. I've been in a good mood and I don't want public service to fuck that up for me. I'm going to be acquiring N for someone and may very well get myself a bottle as well just as a back up. If my attempt fucks me out of this job, I might as well finish the job. I'd sadly have to find a new home for my spiky dude and that thought kind of breaks my heart.
If the job works out and I have stable income, I'm going to try raising some carnivorous plants and growing mushrooms. Been digging into sources for spores and what all I need to get started.
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Hi Nose! If they don't hire you b/c of your attempt, I'll make sure and have all five of my inaginary friends go over there and bite their noses! Even Bryan will think that trip is worth all the effort, hahaha! But, as I've said before, I really think that you have nothing to worry about. Just think of noses and enjoy your hedgehog and the time will pass quickly enough. I love you Nose!
AvaAdore
When will it be?
- Jul 20, 2020
- 159
@AvaAdore and @Underscore
He's ok. I will let him know your thinking of him x
He's ok. I will let him know your thinking of him x
Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
@AvaAdore
@Underscore
Hey guys, thanks for asking about me. Sorry I haven't updated in a week. It has been a crazy busy week. I ended up getting the job as a DSP. I'm actually working right now but I'm on a smoke break. I'll give a better update at some point when I have more time to work with. I'm doing pretty well for now, just staying busy with this job. You're all amazing!
@Underscore
Hey guys, thanks for asking about me. Sorry I haven't updated in a week. It has been a crazy busy week. I ended up getting the job as a DSP. I'm actually working right now but I'm on a smoke break. I'll give a better update at some point when I have more time to work with. I'm doing pretty well for now, just staying busy with this job. You're all amazing!
Ha! Rawr! Get back to work you slacker!
you are living the dream...Similar threads
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