Something of value was found

[Garbage Person]

@GravityUtilizer I was already diagnosed with depression and social anxiety in July, they put me on celexa. I can't tell if it's doing anything good for me or not. It feels a little easier to face people and not be overwhelmed by fear, but it's definitely still rough. I think the chaos in the world right now kind of helps ease my anxiety in public. I don't know how anyone in this situation wouldn't be stressed, depressed, and anxious, so I have no idea how I could even receive an honest diagnosis from anyone really.

@so tired or manic I have no idea what it is. It seems situational to me. I don't have enough distractions or interests to take my mind off the turmoil. Without some sort of silver lining and my goals slightly crushed daily, suicide always beckons and I get stuck fighting my own thoughts. It just starts to feel like a logical decision to throw in the towel. I wish I could bring myself to uproot but it would only create a new line of problems and I'd literally be starting from scratch in an unknown place. At least I know this area which definitely helps with homelessness. If I go to a bigher city, more opportunities but with equally more competition. I had to hold off on signing in today because I spent the first half of my day plotting to kill myself again and I'm just now starting to even out. I kept wondering if I should do partial in the hotel room or just wait until tomorrow and hang myself in the woods. The latter is a much better choice but I'm still trying to push forward. I feel supid for even trying anymore though, I feel beaten. It's like I'm living my life here with the gravitational pull of Earth exchanged for Jupiter's, I'm just crushed.

@Funkymonks Big hugs monk, and thanks. Today hasn't been pleasant on my mind but your words help. I've actually been kicking around the idea of the crisis center if I still feel like shit tomorrow. If I decided to uproot instead, maybe they could help me plan accordingly. I'm glad I'm off the hook with work until Wednesday. Wasn't a big deal since I'm not technically on the schedule this week. I just told her I was trying to get housing figured out. I wish I knew how long the background check would take. I have a lot of questions for the caseworker tomorrow. My counselor seems cool, but I've questioned if the meds and outpatient services are worth it. Coming off drugs and this situation, it just seems like too delicate of a time to be messing with meds, no idea what my baseline is anymore. I'm just a big mess of everything terrible.

 

[so tired or manic]

I'm dissociating so I hope this makes sense, my brain's not all here. I hope there's more solid moments in your future, even if it's not much longer. the uncertainty sounds miserable.

 

[Garbage Person]

@so tired or manic Thank you. That's exactly what I'm holding out for. I'm pretty much lost as sea for the time being. I wish I was ignorant to the ways of the world and could be one of those people that are easily distracted. It's also horribly ironic that I'm basically trying to become an npc myself. I just don't see any other way to live. I can't live the lifestyle of a homeless person while still trying to live the life of the normal working person. Most people that are homeless seem to just embrace the beatnik or sterotypical hobo lifestyle where they just become a leech onto those that they won't conform to, traveling place to place and getting fucked up along the way. Its a mindfuck for me, and I'm definitely my own worst obstacle by having a hard time picking a side while also not knowing if giving up is best for me. There's a world war being waged in my head. Throw kids, crippling anxiety, and permanent ego death into the mix for good measure.

 

[AvaAdore]

Contacting the crisis center seems like a good idea. You're right that your current situation would make anyone feel the way you currently do. Give yourself credit on obtaining a job it definitely isn't easy to do with everything that's going on for you. It seems like you're close to making your way out of this mess.

 

[Garbage Person]

@AvaAdore Exactly, I feel fortunate that I can even have good days. This place and the people I've met here are the only saving grace I have from a social perspective. I just don't know that anti depressants are the route for me. I think anxiety is a bigger player here. I explained some things to my psychiatrist about how being stuck at a red light makes me feel on display, like I'm being judged, or how I've tried to go shopping (even for groceries) and just parked only to leave due to fear of large crowds. I love music, but you won't catch me at festivals, clubs, or even bars anymore. I have an appointment with a dermatologist later this month to try to curb my skin problems that cause me to feel some of this, but if that doesn't work, I'll likely seek medication specifically for anxiety. The crisis center is the ace up my sleeve if I need to think a while and can't keep the momentum going.

 

[Garbage Person]

Holy fuck. I'm pathetic. I can't believe this what my lack of a life has turned into. I post on a fucking forum for suicide resources, posting a journal like a child. I'm at the bottom, not even alive. Even this post is pathetic, what else could it be if it involves me. Couldn't someone just mercy kill this piece of garbage? I don't understand how I haven't been killed, literally nothing would be missing, that implies someone lost something.

 

[GravityUtilizer]

Hey man, sorry you're going through a rough time again. For me I think Prozac helps with anxiety and gives some good days with depression and OCD but it's hard to know, like you say. I'm living in supported accommodation at least but still very much not seeing any kind of normal future. And addiction can so quickly fuck things up. Well anyway I'm rooting for some peace for ya man.

PS I don't think it's at all pathetic, helping others whilst seeking help for yourself.

 

[Cupcake]

Hey man, sorry you're going through a rough time again. For me I think Prozac helps with anxiety and gives some good days with depression and OCD but it's hard to know, like you say. I'm living in supported accommodation at least but still very much not seeing any kind of normal future. And addiction can so quickly fuck things up. Well anyway I'm rooting for some peace for ya man.

PS I don't think it's at all pathetic, helping others whilst seeking help for yourself.

I'm rooting for you, too, Nose! You aren't pathetic, and something WOULD be lost if you died. I, for one, would miss you, unless we partner up together, and @Funkymonk and others on here would miss you, too, I'm sure.

Hey man, sorry you're going through a rough time again. For me I think Prozac helps with anxiety and gives some good days with depression and OCD but it's hard to know, like you say. I'm living in supported accommodation at least but still very much not seeing any kind of normal future. And addiction can so quickly fuck things up. Well anyway I'm rooting for some peace for ya man.

PS I don't think it's at all pathetic, helping others whilst seeking help for yourself.

I'm rooting for you, too, Nose! You aren't pathetic, and something WOULD be lost if you died. I, for one, would miss you, unless we partner up together, and @Funkymonk and others on here would miss you, too, I'm sure.

Keep trying Nose! Go and get yourself some French toast or waffles or pancakes today. If not those things, definitely some Oreos, if not for yourself, than for me! I wish I was there to eat them with you and touch your nose. I couldn't care less what's wrong with your skin, I just want to touch your nose! Oh, and I'm glad you are still posting on here. Journaling isn't childish, most therapists recommend that people journal to put things more in perspective, so I hope you keep posting. Sorry this is all on one line, but my stupid computer keeps sending the reply before I'm ready whenever I try to make another parragraph right now, so POOP UP THE NOSE COMPUTER! I love you Nose! I hope today is a success! NOSE!

 

[Funkymonks]

@Cupcake i totally agree with everything your saying, in honour of you both I'm going to have some Oreos and dunk them in milk.
I've got to admit I hate being at the front of a red light I have an overwhelming fear that the car is going to stall and everyone is going to start honking at me which gets me even more worked up. It never happens though.
Let's hope you have a better day. As I've said before I hate calling you @Garbage Person because it's clearly not how I or others see you.
Big loves xx

 

[AvaAdore]

Are you regretting posting personal details here? To reassure you, nobody knows who you really are here.

 

[Garbage Person]

@GravityUtilizer Thanks guy. I think I had a moment where I just didn't understand what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more or maybe less. I feel alright today, but it's more of a vacant, spacey "alright". Hope you're doing well.

@Cupcake Hey there nose! Enjoyed our chat today. I can't emphasize just how thankful I am to have you as a part of my daily life. I hope you're enjoying your rest. I'm just getting around and about to go get some food after I post this, I'm starving. I'll be sure to grab some oreos while I'm out. I'm sure I'll keep posting, glad it's not seen as pathetic. I'm glad I've met some great people here. I love you nose and can't wait to chat again.

@Funkymonks I'm glad you don't think I'm garbage. I'm truly my own worst enemy, I'm pretty sure I play no role in the real world here one way or the other. I hope to find out more about housing tomorrow, we'll see. I appreciate you monk, big hugs and love to you as well!

@AvaAdore Nothing like that at all. I'd probably post more about myself and my identity if it wasn't against the rules. I don't really have anything to lose and I don't worry about Internet strangers like some people do. There's a few people here that know my real name, what I look like, where I live, and so on. I hope you're well tonight.

 

[Garbage Person]

Just dumping some quotes here to look back and motivate myself. What you intake can help shape your outlook.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Funkymonks I'll miss you on here. I hope the mods can find a way to bring you back, you're a kind soul and great support. Big hugs monk, I'll always appreciate the fact that you kept up with me. Hope to hear from you soon.

I'm in a studio apartment now. Living in a high rise building and it's a new experience for me. I've been busy over the last few days getting all the necessary work done to get in here as well as starting the sales job. I don't think I could have done this alone so I absolutely owe a great deal of thanks to @Cupcake for helping me in so many ways. You single handedly restored my faith in humanity and how much someone can love and care for a total stranger. Thanks for being here for me nose.

I have no idea where I'm going from here. I'm still communicating with employers about getting jobs related to social work but I haven't had any offers yet. I need to start getting things together to enroll in classes next year. I'm glad I sold all of my belongings before I hit the road. My apartment is empty with the exception of my clothes, some books, art supplies, and an air mattress. It's a complete fresh start. I hope to get some various plants in here soon. The last few days have been good, but I'll always fear the cycle. There are some things I'm very undecided about. I may just give this medication one more week and then reevaluate how I feel. I'm not so sure I want to be on anti depressants at all. Now that I'm sober, my feelings should be easier for me to manage one way or the other. My anxiety problems may require medication though. I'm just not sure about any of it. The counselor is nice, but I can't say it's really doing anything for me. Feels more like an hour long chat I'd have with someone at a bar. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad it's not dry and formal, but it's just a social time sink for now as far as I'm concerned. I may not be able to see the same psychiatrist like I was told and that's an instant no go for me. I won't be tossed around, having to tell my life story over and over again, running in circles while my life becomes a series of "billing notes".

Things are generally good for now. This is the first time in my life I've had a space to call my own. I've really been trying to keep the momentum going. I believe I just need to pick up some new hobbies, should also help me develop some social depth as well. I was used to just being a drug addicted pile of misery, job hopping and shifting environment to environment, relationship to relationship. I hate being physically alone sometimes but at least this gives me ample time and space for self improvement, at least on the good days when I actually have motivation. I'm very thankful for a couple people here that I chat with daily, the loneliness would be crippling otherwise and I'm absolute shit at meeting people out in the world, I'm not even sure if that's much of a thing anymore aside from workplaces. I'll be around to post updates on my life as usual. I hope anyone reading this is doing okay.

 

[Funkymonks]

@Garbage Person all sorted.
A hobby would be a great idea, if you have art supplies then maybe look at drawing or painting.
They always say that if your looking to get of meds cause they're not working usually means they are!
Def getting something for the anxiety is a good idea though.
Don't even feel lonely, just a text away xx

 

[Garbage Person]

@Funkymonks So glad they got you in, welcome back! Yeah, I need to try drawing and see if it clicks for me. I had bought some sketch pads but I've only touched it to use for lighting charcoal. Maybe the meds are helping, I have no idea. Hope you're well monk!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Garbage Person you are having quite a ride. I hope it's beginning to come together and work out for you, it sounds like you are putting in so much effort despite how overwhelming it must sometimes feel. Keep going!

 

[Cupcake]

@Garbage Person you are having quite a ride. I hope it's beginning to come together and work out for you, it sounds like you are putting in so much effort despite how overwhelming it must sometimes feel. Keep going!

Hi Nose! I am so proud of you! Yes, I did help you a lot, which I enjoyed every bit of it, but remember, you were the one who helped yourself big time in the end. If you hadn't followed my nudgings to call the housing authority and really get things rolling, I couldn't have done anything else more to help you. So you really should be proud of yourself, too. @Funkymonk, if you don't want to call him Garbage Person anymore, you too can call him Nose! I'm sure he wouldn't mind. He kind of looks a bit like a nose anyway, so it would be fitting, hahaha! Oh, and Nose, don't forget to at least LOOK at the chocolate cheesecakes this morning. One is NEVER too broke for chocolate of any kind, haha! And let me know what flavor of ice cream you decided on. I called Bryan back so you wouldn't starve to death from laziness, so you should be all clear to go shopping. I love you Nose. Sorry again it's all one one line, but my computer is total poop up the nose on here sometimes, haha! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! Keep up the excellent work, and don't forget to actually make an in person appearance at the social work office next week. I think you'll have a much better chance of getting their attention and getting hired if you do that. NOSE!

 

[death becomes her]

@Garbage Person just wanted to post here to say I've been following your journey from your goodbye thread (getting found) and here on the recovery thread. I am SO glad you were found and are still here with us. From what I can tell, you are an amazing person and the world is so lucky you are still here. I am currently recovering from a planned attempt (Aug 1 was my date). I don't know what else to say lol but just wanted to send some love your way.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Underscore Thank you so much! Yes, it's definitely overwhelming at times. At least I have a home base for now and that's a huge load off. My rent with everything included is $56 a month, so I'm feeling very lucky in that regard. I can manage that even without a job if I have to. Of course, it will go up if I find better paying work, but the percentage is very reasonable. I'm a little disappointed that I can't get Internet service here and I'll likely have to do something about my phone plan to compensate for the lack of public wifi. I have 2 gbs of data a month right now and I'm eating through it very quick. I could also use a new phone soon since mine is becoming a bit of a potato. Priorities though, and that shit is far down the list. I'm passing my down time with reading and chatting with friends. I just started rereading American Gods and the Transmetropolitan series, both are god tier fictional works to get immersed in. I hope you're doing well. It always feels so weird typing that here, I know people are clearly struggling given the nature of the site, but I really do wish people the best.

@Cupcake You always make me smile cupcake. You've become such a meaningful person to me. I truly believe that if I age old enough to start losing my memories and functions, you'll be among the last of my memories to fade, right there alongside my children and best friend of over a decade. You're the best nose I've ever known. Thanks fo being proud of me, I'm starting to feel proud of where I'm headed as well. Maybe I can actually die satisfied someday. I can't wait to meet you. I love you so much too nose!

@death becomes her Thanks so much for your kind words and following my story. I'd still be posting even if no one gave a shit but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't warm my heart to receive the support and know that people actually read it and care. I try my best to be a decent person and it's not always easy these days. I hope for a better future for people after centuries of absolute controlled bullshit. I don't have all the answers but there has to be a better way than this current mess. I always used to think the better way was just simply eliminating the choices and suffering through suicide but I'm trying to find an alternate path. Helping others seems like such a good path, and leading by example. That was always the way I approached management positions when I had them, never afraid to get in there and do the same job as my subordinates. I really appreciate your kind words and send some love right back at ya. I hope your recovery works out for you. If you ever need a friend or just an ear, I'm always a pm or whatever away.

 

[Funkymonks]

Aww you've got so much support and love because you are an amazing person. members on here may stumble across your thread and think holy shit what a rollercoaster.
It has been a rollercoaster and you have held on as tight as you can you've helped others along the way, that's what I find most humbling about you, you care about others selflessly.
@Cupcake, thank you for helping to keep an amazing person here. I'm personally grateful.

thank you for being a great friend and I love you loads faraway friend x

 

[Garbage Person]

@Funkymonks I'm still so happy that the mods got you back in, I was worried. I do always try to care about others, it seems important to me in these dark times. I know first hand what so many issues are like, from family disfunction to drug addiction. The worst though is feeling alone. No one should feel alone unless they choose to. I don't want to get a big head though, I can't help anyone unless they want it and are willing to help themselves too. I love you loads too monk, you're an outstanding individual and I love our daily chats. Take care today! Big hugs!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Garbage Person I really must try and read more. My brother passed me all his books and I'm running out of shelf space but I'm just not getting round to it, too much to do. I used to read constantly but not so much these days.
I'm kind of doing okayish, struggling with health but forging on as best I can. Lots of gardening and scavenging the back streets for other people's cast offs so I don't have to spend anything on the garden.
Please do keep updating your story. People find it interesting and want you to be okay and flourish. It gives me hope to see someone fighting against the odds and making small triumphs. I know all to well how hard that is and how overwhelming it can be when you feel like you are at the bottom of the pile.

 

[Funkymonks]

@Underscore are you an avid gardener, I've been growing a spider plant since February and it hasn't died yet! I'm so proud

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Underscore are you an avid gardener, I've been growing a spider plant since February and it hasn't died yet! I'm so proud

That's cool! Got a picture?

 

[Funkymonks]

We call it spidey lol got it when it was a baby

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Ah one of those! Nice.

 

[Funkymonks]

Ah one of those! Nice.

@Underscore Isn't that what it's called? That's how shit of a plant person I am...
Sorry @Garbage Person for the slight derail x

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think it's a spider plant. Had one at work eons ago that I used to feed coffee. It died. Yeah, sorry for the slight derail.

 

[Cupcake]

I think it's a spider plant. Had one at work eons ago that I used to feed coffee. It died. Yeah, sorry for the slight derail.

How did the spider plant like the coffee, hahaha? Bet it was like, holy shit, what is this? Hey Nose, I'm so proud of you! Sorry I tried to call you so much today, I just miss you and am not busy at the moment, so tried to catch you. I hope you are having an ooooooooh la la, nosey day. Have you tried the cherro flavored ice cream yet? @Funkymonk, I love you, too. It is my pleasure to help Nose out. He truly is an amazing person. It would be an utter tragedy for the world to lose him. And, I'm glad that you got back on here, too. Nose told me what happened, and I was like OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But it all worked out, and I am so happy, I clapped my nostrils together for you. Keep up the great work all you noses! Oh, and @Underscore, try feeding the plants ice cream and see what happens, hahaha! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

[Garbage Person]

@Underscore Thanks! I'll always continue to update here, it's a bit cathartic. At least you've got plenty of reading material for if the time comes. No worries on the derail, it's a thread for whatever, anything is welcome and it's nice to see. Hopefully today is a decent one for you.

@Funkymonks Hey monk! Congrats on that spidey, looking healthy. Big hugs to you!

@Cupcake Hey nose! I've been sleeping like a baby on and off for days. Glad we got to chat all night though, was fun! Super awesome that you got off work early. The churro ice cream was delicious. Thanks for always being here for me, your words mean so much. Love you nose and I'm sure I'll chat with you later.

Landed an interview tomorrow for that DSP position. I'd say my chances of getting it are fairly decent. I've been on point with every discussion I've had with company reps, so I'm feeling good about it. We'll see how it goes. I've also got an appointment tomorrow with a dermatologist, hoping that can get me some assistance with a few troubles. I had just woke up from a nap, I'll probably go back to sleep. I've gone back to a fairly nocturnal lifestyle. I just have more energy at night and during the morning hours. I've mostly been chilling out, chatting, sleeping, and eating good food. Watched the newer Gorillaz videos that came out this year, and the first episode of Michael Cusack's new show for a good laugh. Considering getting a hedgehog if any of the local breeders have any up for grabs right now. Reading into new hobbies I could pick up when I need a break from fictional works. Anway, I'll be around again soon, wish you well.