I feel like I have everything I need, though only merely for survival, and it's all dependent on our delicate and heavily controlled systems. I don't really know why I continue other than comfort and laziness. My laziness is detrimental to my growth as a person, but the comfort keeps me complacent in all ways. Maybe I shouldn't really think about such things and take a big step away from the internet. I need to commit to action rather than dormancy. I have an excellent opportunity in front of me for financial security that can work in tandem with my pursuit of higher education. I have my contingency plan in place if things go critical once again, and it will absolutely be the last time if it does.
As things in my life become a personal puzzle, I question if sharing my "recovery" on a suicide forum is really a good look. I got away from social media a long time ago, but it has been replaced with something just as unnecessary, and demoralizing at times. I constantly question the motives of others in a community like this. My experiences have ranged from decent to outstanding, but your milage may vary.
Be warned that insanity awaits you if you invest heavily into any socially driven online platform these days. Most serve as cherry picking echo chambers for your favorite brand of displacency. I'm personally tired of the mantras within any modern social system, and there doesn't seem to be a true haven of decency online or off. It shows as I scavenge the web looking for a beacon of hope within a community. Similar to how I feel about religion, it's just all bullshit. Business and vying for control of the mind as usual, regurgitation of popular influencer opinion at the very least. Seems like true feelings of hope are only conjured within me when I'm alone with an action plan that gets set in motion
With that said, I don't regret coming here or regret all the time I've wasted online. Hopefully it stays standing for those in need of whatever they're seeking. I came here for information on ending my life in a peaceful manner and acquired the knowledge needed. It was great for that and I'm thankful. What the fuck am I doing now? I feel this has been therapeutic at times but it's not productive. There would be little difference in me writing this here and going through a drive thru as I ramble off the same shit. "Sir, this is a suicide forum. There's no hope here, our hope machine is down."
I suppose there's a bit of a paradox when it comes to the idea of hope and the fact that we're all slowly withering away, but I fail to see how I should use this excuse as a means to be lazy, give up, or embrace suffering. I don't really want to conform to the idea of life having some win or lose state, and I believe that is definitely where there's a massive misstep by society towards a better tomorrow. People are so self absorbed that we don't consider future generations and making things better, even for just ourselves. Think about the implications of a suicide booth and how it becomes a symptom of a society that has given up hope and embraced suffering without a livable solution. Religious ideologies embrace suffering, most making claims of a better existence after death despite being impossible to prove or disprove. This would be labeled as delusion if they weren't widespread and commonly believed theories. Everything is by design to keep you hopeless, divided, idle, distracted, and sitting down. Some gladly give money or labor for this experience. We've been duped from the beginning. Where I've failed to find that beacon of fighters and last bastion of hope, perhaps I can set out to make my own waves.
Maybe my ideas are childish or too rooted in a matter of opinion, but as things become so reliantly connected online, we're losing genuine connections and experiences. We're being convinced that they aren't worth it. I don't understand how anyone aside from a nihilist could adopt such a philosophy. Is that what the future of America looks like? Just a nation of nihilistic individuals that won't care to adopt a healthier philosophy but will likely ironically continue to shell out money for consumer products made by companies that rule the land and keep the blindfold in place?
See, now I come full circle and become depressed again. These vicious cycles present in literally everything. At least I can shape my own mind by distancing myself from filth and corruption. Does it take a great deal of violence to reshape the world into something peaceful? Is it overpopulation and forced multiculturalism causing such a stink? Government/business overreach coupled with religious institutions, all causing division and running amok, unchecked by the commoner? I find myself confused and I blame everything and myself all at once. There's almost a certain beauty in this chaos. I've both lost my mind and found it so many times. I just need to focus on myself. Maybe help some people out on the way if I see them helping others or themselves. I've mostly always been that guy, but it's a lonely fucking feeling. I got very lucky finding a good friend here that lives with a similar ideal of what it means to grow together.
Maybe I'm an asshole for wanting people to adopt a mindset they can't be sold on. Maybe a dumbass for even suggesting that things could be better. I'm capable of seeing how an individual should have the right to die and I even stand by it, but should it really be normalized or so passively recommended? I wish more people were on board with trying. I wouldn't claim this to someone in a great deal of physical pain, only people that might be similar to me, and consider throwing in the towel and abandoning your dreams, possibly because you've been told no or suffered a few failures. Perhaps you lack willpower after swallowing too many black pills. Pills can be addicting. A numb patient won't act, so they're practically as good as cured. Stop taking the pills, regardless of color. All routes lead to hopelessness and following a different shade of the status quo.
I wish I could find an oasis, away from the minefield. It's starting to feel like being enclosed in a maze with nothing but dead ends. I could try harder and possibly break through, but I question if I can truly do this alone. The new drug I fiend for is hope and I only feel it alone when I'm all locked up and away from the compromised masses . Even as writing this, I've gone through seeing myself backtrack and question my own needs and viewpoints. I feel like a child, unwilling to accept the bleakness and hiding under my covers, trying to embrace what feels like a fantasy to shield myself from the monsters and nightmares. I feel the public eye fondling themselves waiting for my own self execution just to fulfill their daily intake of doom porn, or the community waiting for the break in the monotony of the same threads and posts daily as they chant "about time, good riddance fuckwit, press F" etc.
What a shame modern day is. A complete insult to the human condition and psyche, a flattening of the experience. Even the idea of loving relationships has been completely destroyed. People no longer have accomplishments to be proud of, it has dwindled down to what one does with their genitals. Everything is a petty squabble over red and blue, black and white, man and woman, etc. I can't stomach seeing one more pronoun showdown. Everything has reached unprecedented levels of insanity from so much division. What the fuck. Just, what the fuck. Something must give, and I'd like to believe it's not too late. Though I might be just as delusional as the religious zealots, certainly just as crazy at times.
If only I could channel my passion of hatred for all things modern into making a true difference. The hopeless will tell me no.
