Something of value was found

[K-O]

@GravityUtilizer best thing I've seen from 2020. Really unique show, I loved it. I've tried watching Close Enough but it hasn't hooked me yet. Wondering if there have been any other decent animated shows come out this year? YOLO Crystal Fantasy was pretty funny. The Smiling Friends pilot was even better.

i just remembered this animation called - The Big Lez Show! i recall i was pissing my self back then!
oh and of course my all time favorite- SUPER JAIL! !!

 

[Garbage Person]

@K-O I'll check out the Big Lez Show. Superjail is one my favorites!

 

[Garbage Person]

Morning coffee once again and some lovely sativa. I filled out an application to be a home health aide. I'll be calling soon to schedule a phone interview, hoping something comes from this. I miss the residents from the last group home I worked at, even though I didn't spend much time there. It helped to wake up and know I was responsible for human lives, it gave better purpose as a job.

Been on a calypso kick. This Kitch track never gets old.

 

[Garbage Person]

Neutral day. Trying to decide if I want to be financially irresponsible and pick up more weed. Wishing a friend would hit me up so I wouldn't be paying IL legal prices.

I misread the text about that job yesterday. I'll still get a phone interview but I have no idea when they will call. Thought I was going to be scheduling one, but nope, just waiting on them. I'm incredibly bored right now, because I'm boring. I wish I was still sleeping.

 

[Garbage Person]

Had the phone interview today and it went well, lasted about 45 minutes and she's definitely interested. I'll have to iron out some details with my references, as well as my car insurance. Just kind of hoping for the best right now.

 

[Garbage Person]

Fighting some self hatred off. Feeling like dumb waste, a piece of shit circling the drain refusing to get flushed. Here lies GP, fucking dumb waste. Come watch me share my shit opinions and wax poetic about the art of suffering. If I had a mating dance, it'd just be me soiling myself while I break down and sob. It's an odd moment when you realize your biggest allure is just how much of a pitiful display you are. Of course, no self hatred is complete without hating your appearance, and right now I feel I'd look better with a buck shot face lift. There. There's my inner bullshit. It'll go away eventually.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If I had a mating dance, it'd just be me soiling myself while I break down and sob.

Hmm...number one or number two?

 

[Cupcake]

I'm sorry my friend, that's some pretty harsh stuff to have to deal with. I hope that there are times when you can see that view of yourself isn't justified.

I love you so much Nose! I wish I could be with you right now, holding you and touching your sweet nose. I wish we could eat ice cream together and just forget the world for the entire weekend.

I love you Nose! I hope those evil and grossly untrue thoughts about yourself go away soon.

NOSE!

 

[Funkymonks]

I'm truly sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I hope it passes

firstly you are an amazing friend, we talk every single day regardless of our time differences, after a few months of daily contact we have got it figured out.
I really couldn't ask for a better friend to give me big hugs when I need it, a laugh when I need it, advice when I need it, understanding when I need it and a I've got your back when I need it.
and what I love most of all is our random chats where we are just talking to each other because we want to!
It is totally reciprocated.
You need to see what others see in you,
Strength, kindness, patience and a resilience to not be defeated.
This year has been totally shit for a lot of us, but it has dumped more on your plate, but yet here we are nearly at the end of it still going on.
Love you to bits gp you are awesome!! X

 

[Garbage Person]

@Underscore
@Cupcake
@Funkymonks

Thanks for the consistent support. You all never let me down, and I appreciate it. You're all really it, this is my life and what I have. I do love and care greatly for you all. If not for you people, I really would be 100 percent alienated from the world. My antagonizing thoughts have subsided, but my mind is just empty now. I feel unable to enjoy or fully engage with anything today.

I know it does no good to dwell on the past, but the present has become stagnant, there's nowhere else to go but dragging it all along into tomorrow, everyday, consistently adding more weight by the second. The past haunts me because there is nothing else. When it's not the mistakes of yesterday, it's a fixation on how much was lost. I feel like an ant that got carried away on luggage and flown half way across the world, lone roaming, trying to find the home that's long gone.

I sit in a folding camping chair, looking out the window. I watch the sun make the daily round, everyday, shadows slowly shifting place. I usually listen to music and drink my coffee, but these last two days have been silent. It's all growing dull, I'm growing despondent. When I don't sit in this chair, I pace around the place. I look like I belong in a psych ward, can't even bring myself to shower right now. It took energy to think thoughts, post words. Not even sure why I do it, none of this really matters.

I'm alone in ways I wonder if anyone here could relate to. Typically, when I see the word "lonely" here, it's just used as click bait as they then delve into the company they've had recently. Anyone else only get interactions from a phone? I shouldn't take the phone for granted, but the lack of life here in my room for months speaks volumes for what I equate to based on social values. Lonliness is a deep, agonizing feeling that destroys you and makes you feel worthless. To compare it to boredom or the indifference of present and past company, is insulting.

The last two days have been terrible. I'm still unsure of what to do, as usual. I fear the end is near though as my suicidal ideation has been through the roof and I feel as broken and empty as ever. Once everything goes transparent, it feels like it's best to do the same and disappear. I would jump from the window, but I still fear the view won't look so perfect the whole way down.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Typically, when I see the word "lonely" here, it's just used as click bait as they then delve into the company they've had recently.

No. For some, maybe, but no, I am alone and have been realistically for four years. I most assuredly understand that.

I would jump from the window, but I still fear the view won't look so perfect the whole way down.

You are correct, at least as regards my experience. The principle and the practice are quite difference. I speak from experience, though it's not an experience I'd choose to share with the forum.
I am, as always, open to talking via PM if you so wish.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Underscore I was honestly hoping no one would relate to this. I'm sorry man. The selfish part of me is glad I'm not alone in that though. I haven't found ways to cope with it yet. I find that on the days when I enjoy my solitude, that level of enjoyment stays the same. When I get lonely however, that feeling only seems to intensify in its severity. I'm growing more concerned about this everyday that goes by. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't know what to do. I haven't had a live interaction with someone that wasn't just a transaction with silence or trite formalities in months. I'd say I'm spending all but two hours a week in my apartment, which is just me sitting here or pacing around like I'm in a waiting room. I'm confused as to what I'm waiting for though.

I'd always love to converse with you however you're comfortable. I feel much more comfortable with you knowing that you understand this situation.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

When I get lonely however, that feeling only seems to intensify in its severity. I'm growing more concerned about this everyday that goes by.

That is really tough for me to relate to as i have a very specific attitude towards loneliness. I hate it and i relish it in equal measure. Such is the curse of an INFJ. I spend, I would say, 80% of my time alone right now, and I'm mostly happy with that percentage. I like people, but only those I choose to like, not the 80% of the rest of society that can go fuck themselves. Hard. Sideways.
Do you really want others' company? Anyone's company? Or are you picky? Cuz in my experience, most people suck big fat hairy balls and and I've no issue whatsoever with not wanting to be in their company.
Personally, I'd rather be alone and lonely than be part of a group I have nothing but disdain for. I choose my friends these days with meticulous care. I care not who likes me, I care whom I like, and those are the people I interact with.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Underscore I can relate to not wanting anything to do with the majority. However, at the moment, I feel like even a negative experience wouldn't be so bad just to have some sort of engagement. Even a fist fight would help break this monotony in a good way. I do feel too boring for company these days though, that kind of kills the whole prospect. I think my social life is just over. I mostly stay silent in the presence of others. At best, I fade into the background, at worst I'm labeled as a creep. I do wish I had friends in my area though. I just have no way to engage with anyone, except my phone. I hardly feel like I exist physically.
I just think all the time alone is getting to me. This is cabin fever basically. The true hell in this is not knowing what to do about it and having my mind constantly nudge me in the direction of the noose.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Underscore I can relate to not wanting anything to do with the majority. However, at the moment, I feel like even a negative experience wouldn't be so bad just to have some sort of engagement. Even a fist fight would help break this monotony in a good way. I do feel too boring for company these days though, that kind of kills the whole prospect. I think my social life is just over. I mostly stay silent in the presence of others. At best, I fade into the background, at worst I'm labeled as a creep. I do wish I had friends in my area though. I just have no way to engage with anyone, except my phone. I hardly feel like I exist physically.

That's why you are here though, isn't it? You exist here and people listen to you. You engage here. It's not what you want and it's not perfect, but it's something and that's better than nothing. Same here. I'm worthless IRL because no one listens to me. But here, I can express myself and people at least listen (LOL you fools you ). They listen to you too or this thread would have died a long time ago.
But yes, IRL it's harder, I know. I learned not to care, but that came with age and experience. Without that, I think it's worth considering adopting a certain belligerence. That is it's own challenge, but at some point you have to adopt the attitude 'fuck em.'

 

[Garbage Person]

@Underscore Absolutely. I think the ratio of rational and wise people here is stronger than it is in most online communities. I can never really tell if I fit here from a social perspective. I enjoy engaging with the people that I do, I guess you're just left without the validation and proof that you have through a live, in person relationship. I'm what the Internet would probably call a failed normie. I miss what comes with having a social life. Easier to find jobs through friends, also easier to make new friends through existing relations. I've watched it dwindle down to nothing, and it hurts. Also on the social side of things, I tend to use sex as a way to boost my own confidence, I think many do and I'm not ashamed to admit that. That was another social factor that was present in my life with friends. I miss partying too. When I get sad and nothing matters, sometimes it was lovely to share a drink or bowl with a friend and forget it all. Now I do it all alone. I toke alone, watch TV alone, find jobs alone, post here alone, it's all just alone. I guess I made a fatal mistake of letting my social life dictate my worth. Now I pay the price for my ideologies. I blame the ways of the modern world for this.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think the ratio of rational and wise people here is stronger than it is in most online communities

I have to admit, I tend to agree with you there. Here at the pointy end, I find myself identifying far more with people. Also, I have observed far more creativity, intelligence and compassion than I see in daily life.

Also on the social side of things, I tend to use sex as a way to boost my own confidence, I think many do and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

Many do. We are animals. I'd fucking cheer at half the chance LOL. I've been locked away for four years with a bare minimum of sleep. Sex? Ha! Yeah, I vaguely remember that...so yeah, could be worse.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Underscore Definitely. This place is a gold mine for true living souls, no matter how much we all feel like our light is dying out, people really shine here sometimes. As far as the sex, it has been a year. It's dumb, but I'm mostly flustered that the mother of my children was my last partner. She got to move forward, have new partners, and even find new love. I never did. Feels like when she threw me away, the rest of the world did as well. My lack of a personality will absolutely sabotage any chance I could ever have moving forward. I'm probably autistic or something.

 

[Garbage Person]

I'm fucking big mad. I'm going to apologize to the community ahead of time, this post will likely be vile and very jumbled. Absolute hate machine and have been now for two days, after just battling self hatred. Seems everything went red after going transparent, what a fucking view. I could use that fist fight, even losing would provide ample thrills. I lost my benefits and have yet to find out why. I also haven't received a callback yet to renew my prescription. I had to leave my ex in the park with the kids on Sunday. I felt I was being guilt tripped and antagonized, so I left. It's probably the lack of meds and me not taking them as directed over the last week or so. Now I'm out of them.

I am so tired of all the people in America that seem so bitter and jaded. They all seem to just bitch and grimace, that's their fucking function. People riding my ass in traffic, waiting at a desk for 15 minutes just be greeted in a condescending manner, automated messaging systems, leaving messages that don't get returned promptly, overpriced everything, the list goes on and fucking on. My suicidal ideation switched to homicidal real fucking quick. Maybe these said people and myself could use some real fucking problems. "Life is precious". They'd be quick to put me down if they knew how I really felt about them. The only thing seperating me from the label of criminally insane, is actually committing to my thoughts through action.

Spoiler: TW: romanticized violence

Two days of seeing red. I merely fantasize about violence as a way to get through anger. These thoughts are heinous and hateful. I feel it would be such a relief to stomp someone's head into a curb until I feel nothing but concrete at the bottom of my boot. I could waltz onto a school bus with two drum fed AA-12s, just to dance down the aisle and fill the air with hair and skull fragments like it's confetti. Make my way to the back window and fire on the conveniently lined up buses behind. Climb out the top hatch and lay waste from the high ground. Take my turmoil to a Sunday service. Break through the door with a chainsaw in hand and a tank of gasoline. Fill the place with more warmth from the flames and fresh blood than Christ ever could. Gouge someone's fucking eyes out until I feel their memories wedged under my fingernails. Park my car on their abdomen just to peel out and paint my car like I've been doing donuts in a slaughterhouse pit. It's still not enough.

"Life is precious". It's not, and the proof is everywhere, through the actions of our leaders, demeanor of our neighbors, malpractice in all health fields, consumer unfriendly business practices, social media making narcissists out of everyone including children, indifference and inaction, no one is innocent anymore. We all play our little role in making sure that centuries worth of soul sucking ideologies and practices stay in place to keep the upper echelons exactly where they've always been. This is my suicide and homicide fuel.

Wish I could torch this circus tent with the whole show trapped inside. I want to frolic through a desolate wasteland, left to my own demise with only the leftover relics from a demented society. Fuck the mantra of "life is precious". Yeah, I'd think the lives of your tax cattle are VERY precious, totally has nothing to do with profits or statistics for your new fiscal year. Eat fucking dicks, you slave driving, lazy, parasitic cunts. Fucking choke on em. The world needs more dead politicians and dead police. They took the role of authority and deserve to be challenged. They don't care about anyone. Regardless, if the United States is littered with nothing but trash, fuck the whole lot of us anyway. It's not like I'm stellar, don't care if I take a random bullet in public, I think we all wish for it anymore. Total shit show across the board. I just feel mad. I have nowhere to put this shit, nothing to fight except myself. Fuck, I'm really losing my good will and sanity. This is madness.

I'm going back to pacing my dirty house and talking to myself.

So, how's your mental health?

 

[Garbage Person]

I have an idea. I've never fasted and I'm honestly considering it as a complete detox. I need to do some research first, but I'm thinking about only drinking water starting on Wednesday and not taking in anything else for a week. No food, no tobacco, no substances, no prescription meds, just water. I'm thinking about doing this with no entertainment as well. I've yet to decide on the last part yet, but I think it would do my mind and body good to just sit here for a week and not intake anything physically or mentally. If anyone has experience, please do share.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm fucking big mad. I'm going to apologize to the community ahead of time, this post will likely be vile and very jumbled. Absolute hate machine and have been now for two days, after just battling self hatred. Seems everything went red after going transparent, what a fucking view. I could use that fist fight, even losing would provide ample thrills. I lost my benefits and have yet to find out why. I also haven't received a callback yet to renew my prescription. I had to leave my ex in the park with the kids on Sunday. I felt I was being guilt tripped and antagonized, so I left. It's probably the lack of meds and me not taking them as directed over the last week or so. Now I'm out of them.

I am so tired of all the people in America that seem so bitter and jaded. They all seem to just bitch and grimace, that's their fucking function. People riding my ass in traffic, waiting at a desk for 15 minutes just be greeted in a condescending manner, automated messaging systems, leaving messages that don't get returned promptly, overpriced everything, the list goes on and fucking on. My suicidal ideation switched to homicidal real fucking quick. Maybe these said people and myself could use some real fucking problems. "Life is precious". They'd be quick to put me down if they knew how I really felt about them. The only thing seperating me from the label of criminally insane, is actually committing to my thoughts through action.

Spoiler: TW: romanticized violence

Two days of seeing red. I merely fantasize about violence as a way to get through anger. These thoughts are heinous and hateful. I feel it would be such a relief to stomp someone's head into a curb until I feel nothing but concrete at the bottom of my boot. I could waltz onto a school bus with two drum fed AA-12s, just to dance down the aisle and fill the air with hair and skull fragments like it's confetti. Make my way to the back window and fire on the conveniently lined up buses behind. Climb out the top hatch and lay waste from the high ground. Take my turmoil to a Sunday service. Break through the door with a chainsaw in hand and a tank of gasoline. Fill the place with more warmth from the flames and fresh blood than Christ ever could. Gouge someone's fucking eyes out until I feel their memories wedged under my fingernails. Park my car on their abdomen just to peel out and paint my car like I've been doing donuts in a slaughterhouse pit. It's still not enough.

"Life is precious". It's not, and the proof is everywhere, through the actions of our leaders, demeanor of our neighbors, malpractice in all health fields, consumer unfriendly business practices, social media making narcissists out of everyone including children, indifference and inaction, no one is innocent anymore. We all play our little role in making sure that centuries worth of soul sucking ideologies and practices stay in place to keep the upper echelons exactly where they've always been. This is my suicide and homicide fuel.

Wish I could torch this circus tent with the whole show trapped inside. I want to frolic through a desolate wasteland, left to my own demise with only the leftover relics from a demented society. Fuck the mantra of "life is precious". Yeah, I'd think the lives of your tax cattle are VERY precious, totally has nothing to do with profits or statistics for your new fiscal year. Eat fucking dicks, you slave driving, lazy, parasitic cunts. Fucking choke on em. The world needs more dead politicians and dead police. They took the role of authority and deserve to be challenged. They don't care about anyone. Regardless, if the United States is littered with nothing but trash, fuck the whole lot of us anyway. It's not like I'm stellar, don't care if I take a random bullet in public, I think we all wish for it anymore. Total shit show across the board. I just feel mad. I have nowhere to put this shit, nothing to fight except myself. Fuck, I'm really losing my good will and sanity. This is madness.

I'm going back to pacing my dirty house and talking to myself.

So, how's your mental health?
View attachment 50497

I wish I disagreed with you, but I don't. I feel very similar. Most of society IMHO is subconsciously realising the depth of the shit we are in. But whilst the mindlessly optimistic delusion persists, they express it in these little ways of anger.
It's the automatic phone queues that really piss me off. I now actually enjoy calling them because i can swear like a pissed Irish Catholic priest at the machine until I get through to a real person, and if that person is crap, I can then have a go at them. Nasty? Yes. Therapeutic? Yes.

I have an idea. I've never fasted and I'm honestly considering it as a complete detox. I need to do some research first, but I'm thinking about only drinking water starting on Wednesday and not taking in anything else for a week. No food, no tobacco, no substances, no prescription meds, just water. I'm thinking about doing this with no entertainment as well. I've yet to decide on the last part yet, but I think it would do my mind and body good to just sit here for a week and not intake anything physically or mentally. If anyone has experience, please do share.

I fasted once as a detox before whole food diet when I was young. I did it in sympathy for my Mum who was starting the diet for her arthritis (it actually helped her a lot and the doctors were pretty impressed). It was a water only fast for a day, then slowly introducing simpler foods in bit by bit. I nearly fainted on the bus home from school, but then I really should have stayed at home to do it anyway.
A whole week will be tough. Last year for a few months, I barely ate anything and the hunger was actually painful. After a few days you will go into ketosis where your body will start to burn fat reserves for calories. It's a really fast way to lose weight and will balance out your blood glucose metabolism too (actually bypass it), but it does of course put enormous strain on your body and there are side effects like probably having to pee loads and being badly constipated.
Many people swear by periodic fasting so it may have its positives and it certainly has its negatives. You most definitely need to do proper research before attempting this.
@SlowMo is currently on a hunger protest and would be well placed to advised if up to it at the moment.

Edit: I'd also suggest that fasting may be worthless unless it's used as an adjunct to developing a healthier diet afterwards. And that's a massive thing on it's own. Also, please don't just ditch prescription medications cold turkey. Even if they are bad for you, that's a system shock right there.

 

[Giraffey]

Thank you for the tag @Underscore. I'm sorry for my late reply, today is the fifth day of my hunger-strike and it's been tougher than expected. I woke up with the most awful headache this morning, my muscles are weak and painful, and I've been suffering some very minor gaze ataxia which is a slightly worrying sign, but I suspect there is an unrelated cause for that.

What you're suggesting, giving up your prescription medications, is very unwise. Prolonged fasting can be very dangerous if you have certain conditions, gastritis for example. If you're undertaking a pure hunger strike without any supplements then you'll very quickly run into the effects of thiamin depletion which leads to neurological complications that can be permanent. After around three or four weeks you will suffer awful side-effects such as vision disturbances and profuse vomiting, disturbances of consciousness, retinal haemorrhaging etc, these symptoms pass but after around six weeks you will die.

You can mitigate against some of these complications and prolong your fast with correct supplementation, but that is something I would recommend discussing with a doctor in advance, as I have done. It's very important that you are appraised of the risks and aware of the different stages of the fast. One thing you don't commonly hear about is the psychological changes. Disturbances in serotonin levels cause personality changes tending towards hostility, aggression and irritability similar to those seen in patients with chronic anorexia.

One of the hardest aspects for me so far has not been hunger pangs or the physical desire to eat, those faded away quite quickly for me. I miss the emotional reward from eating, I miss the joy and the pleasure of a good meal, the comfort of a cup of tea, water very quickly becomes bland and tiresome when it's the only thing you're tasting. I would urge you to think very carefully about your plan, @Garbage Person, some meditation sessions in a sensory deprivation environment or a safe, short-term fast (no more than 48 hours) might be more appropriate.

I've also experienced sensory deprivation in the past as a form of therapy, I wrote about that here, if you're interested: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/im-failing-recovery.48767/#post-883049

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thank you for the tag @Underscore. I'm sorry for my late reply, today is the fifth day of my hunger-strike and it's been tougher than expected. I woke up with the most awful headache this morning, my muscles are weak and painful, and I've been suffering some very minor gaze ataxia which is a slightly worrying sign, but I suspect there is an unrelated cause for that.

What you're suggesting, giving up your prescription medications, is very unwise. Prolonged fasting can be very dangerous if you have certain conditions, gastritis for example. If you're undertaking a pure hunger strike without any supplements then you'll very quickly run into the effects of thiamin depletion which leads to neurological complications that can be permanent. After around three or four weeks you will suffer awful side-effects such as vision disturbances and profuse vomiting, disturbances of consciousness, retinal haemorrhaging etc, these symptoms pass but after around six weeks you will die.

You can mitigate against some of these complications and prolong your fast with correct supplementation, but that is something I would recommend discussing with a doctor in advance, as I have done. It's very important that you are appraised of the risks and aware of the different stages of the fast. One thing you don't commonly hear about is the psychological changes. Disturbances in serotonin levels cause personality changes tending towards hostility, aggression and irritability similar to those seen in patients with chronic anorexia.

One of the hardest aspects for me so far has not been hunger pangs or the physical desire to eat, those faded away quite quickly for me. I miss the emotional reward from eating, I miss the joy and the pleasure of a good meal, the comfort of a cup of tea, water very quickly becomes bland and tiresome when it's the only thing you're tasting. I would urge you to think very carefully about your plan, @Garbage Person, some meditation sessions in a sensory deprivation environment or a safe, short-term fast (no more than 48 hours) might be more appropriate.

I've also experienced sensory deprivation in the past as a form of therapy, I wrote about that here, if you're interested: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/im-failing-recovery.48767/#post-883049

Thank you @SlowMo
I'm sad to hear you are having a hard time. I wish you strength.

 

[K-O]

So, how's your mental health?

 

[Garbage Person]

@SlowMo I can't thank you enough for taking the time during your fast to share this insightful post. I've ultimately decided against it for now. As @Underscore mentioned, my hopes were to do this and be more mindful of what I ingest afterwards. I definitely don't need to lose weight, but I do at times feel a reset would be good for me. I'm also going to continue taking my medication for a while until I feel more comfortable dropping it, and I won't be doing it cold turkey. I hate being dependent on more than food, water, and air to get by, but hopefully it won't be this way too long. Thanks again for your post, and I wish you luck on your journey.

@Underscore I think many would agree, people just tend to lock up those thoughts when they have them. I typically try to myself. I haven't been that angry since 2006. That post reeks on angst, but I suppose it happens. Luckily, anger is probably my least felt emotion these days.

@K-O Nice one! Have this on the mind at the moment with its crazy vid.


I've been cleaning the place like crazy today, listening to the Mars Volta. Got it all finished. Laundry, garbage, dust, sweep, mop, the works. Should be receiving benefits again soon, they're working on it. Got a couple DSP job leads from my counselor, and still waiting to hear back from another company about training for home health in my county. Trying to stay positive and mostly am today. I go my prescription filled, I feel like the sterotypical, generic American male. It is what it is though. Hope you're all as well as you can be.

@Funkymonks Since you're a Noel fan as well, figured I'd share this classic. It's like 2020 in a nutshell.




Meant to post these ealier in the month. He has definitely grown. Bit of a dawn hog, always in his hut sleeping well before sun up. They make pretty good pets if you're suffering from depression, and don't have energy for a dog.

 

[Garbage Person]

Been a few days since I've posted. I'm empty, alone, and not doing well. I feel hopeless. I'm just trying to sleep as much as possible. I need to have a method on hand. If these jobs don't pan out, I want an exit. I'm completely lost. I wish I could cry or be held. I feel defeated but without much emotion. I probably look shell shocked and feel like I'm close to a catatonic state. Maybe I'll make it through the year, but I doubt it. I don't even see a point right now.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Been a few days since I've posted. I'm empty, alone, and not doing well. I feel hopeless. I'm just trying to sleep as much as possible. I need to have a method on hand. If these jobs don't pan out, I want an exit. I'm completely lost. I wish I could cry or be held. I feel defeated but without much emotion. I probably look shell shocked and feel like I'm close to a catatonic state. Maybe I'll make it through the year, but I doubt it. I don't even see a point right now.

Really sorry to hear this. I hope this changes for you for the better. Just know you have friends here and if you ever need to talk, sling me a PM anytime.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Underscore Thanks a bunch friend. I appreciate you keeping up with me on here. I'm feeling better today than I have in the last few. I've just had too much on my mind. I miss the element of family in my life. Losing my mom to cancer was a pivotal moment in my life, I wish she was still here. Also tired of my ex basically acting as a gatekeeper for any love and support I could offer my children. I never feel like I'm trying hard enough at anything, for myself or for them. It's an existence so debilitating that I could never fear the idea of hell. I should feel free, I've lost almost everything. I don't know why I don't feel free. If anything, I feel enclosed in a box. I'm not sure if there's really nothing I want or if it's just a side effect of living in poverty my whole life.

I think the meds are working properly again, I feel pretty numb emotionally. I'd say it's a win. It's better than being sad all the time, even if the thoughts still linger. Ive been clean since Friday, I don't like it. Marijuana really helps me combat suicidal ideation and anhedonia as well. Even though it's legal at a state level, all the jobs I want will expect me to stay sober. It's such a shame that we haven't made faster progress with giving people more freedom with what they consume. A drug test doesn't dictate anything about an individual other than exactly what's in their system. A positive test doesn't mean I use on the clock, nor does it dictate my work ethic. As someone that has held many serious, well paying positions while still using drugs, I find it insulting and to be a violation of my privacy and pursuit of happiness. No need for me to carry on though, it's just a "tough shit" type situation, it's not going to change. Just tired of being a number.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I should feel free, I've lost almost everything. I don't know why I don't feel free. If anything, I feel enclosed in a box. I'm not sure if there's really nothing I want or if it's just a side effect of living in poverty my whole life.

Maybe the paradigm you are working under is not right for you?

Marijuana really helps me combat suicidal ideation and anhedonia as well. Even though it's legal at a state level, all the jobs I want will expect me to stay sober. It's such a shame that we haven't made faster progress with giving people more freedom with what they consume. A drug test doesn't dictate anything about an individual other than exactly what's in their system. A positive test doesn't mean I use on the clock, nor does it dictate my work ethic. As someone that has held many serious, well paying positions while still using drugs, I find it insulting and to be a violation of my privacy and pursuit of happiness. No need for me to carry on though, it's just a "tough shit" type situation, it's not going to change. Just tired of being a number.

First three years working for journalists, every day I was slightly drunk in the afternoon. It was expected of you in those days. Things change and it's commonplace to make assumptions and generalisations about people. The fact that most jobs go through agencies doesn't help. We are data on a CV, not people. All the jobs I had in the past I've gotten through talking to the person hiring and establishing a rapport, never via an application form. But now, everything is middlemen.

 

[Garbage Person]

@Underscore I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I need to start applying to other jobs, as much as I don't want to. I've been daydreaming about UBI today, wishing I could just pursue "me". I still can while employed, but any job is really going to take it out of me, especially if it's public service or factory work. I've been kicking around ideas for what hobbies I can pick up with what I currently own. I've narrowed it down to writing, drawing, learning a foreign language, working out, or anything that can be done with a computer. That's a good deal to work with, but writing or designing custom maps for classic games are the only two things that appeal to me. I just need to not be lazy. I've been sleeping a lot since I posted last, mostly been in bed. I feel like a broken person right now. I hope it passes.