(ironically enough, I considered posting something like this last year. it would've been interesting if i had, to compare)
i don't think i've ever know true happiness. as many smart people have noted, happiness is a concept we needn't necessarily strive for, but even contentment has, generally, eluded me. even when i haven't been severely depressed or suicidal, i've pretty much always had a persistent low-grade depression w/ terrible, if nonexistent, self-worth, and little ability to connect w/ people.
what brings me "joy"? i really love listening to music, always have, but i don't see it as a novelty (though i do constantly seek out new things) as much as something i require for stability. TV shows have always been a hallmark for me, as well as films though i don't always have the attention span for them. same with reading articles and such.
none of these hobbies are enough to keep me genuinely wanting to be here, of course.
really, the only thing that makes me "excited" - or, rather, grounded here and "optimistic" about a future - is the possibility for travel (once i have more funds, anyway). i've seen a few places, but am always wanting to see more. it's truly the only thing that gives me any sense of novelty or adventure, which are the only reasons i have to live.
but then i remember just how stressed-out i get while traveling anywhere, and the fact that i will always be dreaming of a new destination, and the realization that i will only be able to see a fraction of the places i want to see on this globe. unless i become a "digital nomad," that is, but i have little, if any, skills to offer, nor the ability to gain or retain new skills, so that seems mostly out of the question. so it all seems pointless.
and, just like that - the one thing that was tethering me here, is basically gone.
is all this super shallow?? i think so.
i guess i've always been "all or nothing." even when i should be content, i'm not.
that said, i have been applying to a bunch of seasonal jobs, esp in or near national parks, over the last couple of months, to whet my appetite for exploration while i live with my mom rent-free - in a place i've never been able to call home and am hesitant to stay long-term (never mind the fact that, assuming i can just afford to live alone, why would i live with my mom in my 30's? i can't keep retreating here every time i'm mildly uncomfortable and scared of being an adult...) there was a time when i saw this as a path to purpose and contentment for me - work seasonal jobs (ideally with housing and food expenses included) for a couple of years to save up enough money to jet off to se asia or eastern europe for half a year, then repeat. but:
y'all, i am just fuckin' terrible at everything. i have/had a learning disability, on top of adhd and autism, and i struggle at basically everything - picking up new skills and retaining them as i said above, paying attention, being aware of my environment, connecting the dots, analyzing, "thinking ahead," or using my mind in any real, meaningful way; as well any physicality (balance/dexterity/coordination). i am SLOW, i am disorganized, i become quite easily flustered. i HATE when people call me smart - they are not in my shoes. i'm not someone to take pride in my work, or think that my only value is, well, the value i bring to a workplace - but at some point i do need to make enough money to sustain being alive, and i don't know what the fuck i can even do aside from standing at a cash register. not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's a little dispiriting to know i can't do much else. also, not much money in it, lol
(also, in these seasonal jobs i'm talking about, i don't fucking want to live in dorms, especially as someone in my mid-30s. i hardly want to be around people at all, tbh. if i were to be accepted by my peers? sure. but i'm too fucking awkward and neurodivergent for that to be a real possibility. i'm just really avoidant - but is that a good reason to not even try? as the saying goes, "i know myself best" - but sometimes i think i don't know myself at all, and as such i fall victim to what my family thinks is best for me; something that feels extra humiliating to me, as someone in my 30s)
and, i procrastinate. i have little energy to do things, or i'm utterly scared. i could've sought out treatments years ago (or, like, bought a gun to kms). but now it seems too little too late. i'm just constantly weighed down by regrets. i just don't really wanna be alive anymore, if i ever did. and in my worst periods, i find that i don't really care anymore - about hurting my family, that is. but i know it will hurt them, a lot. and there's a mildly demented part of myself that daydreams about it, too.
also, let me add a disclaimer here: i am not a desperate "forever alone" type by any means, and the longer i've lived and more i've experienced, the less confidence i have in the ability for a meaningful relationship to give me contentment and purpose, nor in my ability to be there for another person in a real way. but i still have a suspicion that with one, the shit i've written above just won't matter as much. but i have little confidence in my ability to even meet people anymore. kind of ironic. friendships would be nice, too - i don't have any of those. outside of a forum like this (no offense, and I mean that genuinely), do you ever hear about people who have genuinely no friends? it's absurd, it's weird, it's off-putting. it makes me feel even lesser.
if anyone read all of this, you put a (metaphorical) smile on my face. thank you
i don't think i've ever know true happiness. as many smart people have noted, happiness is a concept we needn't necessarily strive for, but even contentment has, generally, eluded me. even when i haven't been severely depressed or suicidal, i've pretty much always had a persistent low-grade depression w/ terrible, if nonexistent, self-worth, and little ability to connect w/ people.
what brings me "joy"? i really love listening to music, always have, but i don't see it as a novelty (though i do constantly seek out new things) as much as something i require for stability. TV shows have always been a hallmark for me, as well as films though i don't always have the attention span for them. same with reading articles and such.
none of these hobbies are enough to keep me genuinely wanting to be here, of course.
really, the only thing that makes me "excited" - or, rather, grounded here and "optimistic" about a future - is the possibility for travel (once i have more funds, anyway). i've seen a few places, but am always wanting to see more. it's truly the only thing that gives me any sense of novelty or adventure, which are the only reasons i have to live.
but then i remember just how stressed-out i get while traveling anywhere, and the fact that i will always be dreaming of a new destination, and the realization that i will only be able to see a fraction of the places i want to see on this globe. unless i become a "digital nomad," that is, but i have little, if any, skills to offer, nor the ability to gain or retain new skills, so that seems mostly out of the question. so it all seems pointless.
and, just like that - the one thing that was tethering me here, is basically gone.
is all this super shallow?? i think so.
i guess i've always been "all or nothing." even when i should be content, i'm not.
that said, i have been applying to a bunch of seasonal jobs, esp in or near national parks, over the last couple of months, to whet my appetite for exploration while i live with my mom rent-free - in a place i've never been able to call home and am hesitant to stay long-term (never mind the fact that, assuming i can just afford to live alone, why would i live with my mom in my 30's? i can't keep retreating here every time i'm mildly uncomfortable and scared of being an adult...) there was a time when i saw this as a path to purpose and contentment for me - work seasonal jobs (ideally with housing and food expenses included) for a couple of years to save up enough money to jet off to se asia or eastern europe for half a year, then repeat. but:
y'all, i am just fuckin' terrible at everything. i have/had a learning disability, on top of adhd and autism, and i struggle at basically everything - picking up new skills and retaining them as i said above, paying attention, being aware of my environment, connecting the dots, analyzing, "thinking ahead," or using my mind in any real, meaningful way; as well any physicality (balance/dexterity/coordination). i am SLOW, i am disorganized, i become quite easily flustered. i HATE when people call me smart - they are not in my shoes. i'm not someone to take pride in my work, or think that my only value is, well, the value i bring to a workplace - but at some point i do need to make enough money to sustain being alive, and i don't know what the fuck i can even do aside from standing at a cash register. not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's a little dispiriting to know i can't do much else. also, not much money in it, lol
(also, in these seasonal jobs i'm talking about, i don't fucking want to live in dorms, especially as someone in my mid-30s. i hardly want to be around people at all, tbh. if i were to be accepted by my peers? sure. but i'm too fucking awkward and neurodivergent for that to be a real possibility. i'm just really avoidant - but is that a good reason to not even try? as the saying goes, "i know myself best" - but sometimes i think i don't know myself at all, and as such i fall victim to what my family thinks is best for me; something that feels extra humiliating to me, as someone in my 30s)
and, i procrastinate. i have little energy to do things, or i'm utterly scared. i could've sought out treatments years ago (or, like, bought a gun to kms). but now it seems too little too late. i'm just constantly weighed down by regrets. i just don't really wanna be alive anymore, if i ever did. and in my worst periods, i find that i don't really care anymore - about hurting my family, that is. but i know it will hurt them, a lot. and there's a mildly demented part of myself that daydreams about it, too.
also, let me add a disclaimer here: i am not a desperate "forever alone" type by any means, and the longer i've lived and more i've experienced, the less confidence i have in the ability for a meaningful relationship to give me contentment and purpose, nor in my ability to be there for another person in a real way. but i still have a suspicion that with one, the shit i've written above just won't matter as much. but i have little confidence in my ability to even meet people anymore. kind of ironic. friendships would be nice, too - i don't have any of those. outside of a forum like this (no offense, and I mean that genuinely), do you ever hear about people who have genuinely no friends? it's absurd, it's weird, it's off-putting. it makes me feel even lesser.
if anyone read all of this, you put a (metaphorical) smile on my face. thank you
