Venting So tired of cycling

[undecidedfool]

I don't know why I keep trying to stay alive. I want to die, but then I chicken out, get "help", get some hope, then sooner or later I'm back to where I started: depressed and suicidal.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. I think we all know the cycle by now. Or maybe it's because I'm bipolar and my brain fucking hates me.
All I've done recently is work and sleep, and going to work gets harder every day. I literally cried because I didn't want to go. I'm sleeping over 12 hours a day and I think it's mostly out of apathy. I go to therapy and takes meds, but is it really helping? I'm sure I'd be worse without my meds, but that isn't really reassuring. And my therapist kinda sucks and barely listens, probably because I have nothing of interest to say.
If you read this far, sorry for wasting your time. I just don't know what to do with myself. Writing this out has been the only productive thing I've done today.

 

[citruslynx]

That cycle that you describe is something I feel too. I feel like I'm gonna lose to it one day because going through it over... and over... and over.... without anything really changing makes me feel like I'm losing my marbles one by one. It's maddening and exhausting to constantly rinse and repeat.