So this is it...

[GhostKing714]

Today was my birthday, and as a gift for my last one I finally bought my SN. A day which is meant to celebrate your life and who you are a person hits specially hard when you look around a realise that the life you have and that you've built for yourself is one that disgusts you, and you hate yourself for creating. At the end of the day, though I have blamed many different factors/people for why I ended up like this, it is all down to who I am and the poor decisions I made. Having been so close to achieving what I wanted and being who I always dreamt makes me feel even worse, and just goes to demonstrate that it is my fault. My lack of discipline, my carelessness, my arrogance, all the things that I had my entire life to learn from and grow out of and yet I embraced and made them who I am. I am repulsed by who I've made myself into, and all the good things that I might have and that took me places in the past have been pushed aside and cancelled out by these foundational flaws that have made me, in my eyes, unfit to continue living and for life to be worth continuing.

My birthday last year was equally bad, I could see no future and I had already been considering ctb for years, but for some reason I still wanted to see what else there was. I knew that I had screwed up and that I could never have what I had always wanted, but I had a glimmer of hope that maybe I could find something new to replace it. Another part of me probably just wanted to continue to get hurt even more so I could justify ending it all. But this year is different. Looking back at how bad things were then and how they have only gotten worse has made me lose any hope in life and in myself. I've tried, at least in the ways that I can think of and that I can afford to, but despite it all there have been no meaningful results. By now, I don't even think it is a matter of fulfilment or finding a purpose either. Even if I have a desire or find a passion to do something, to become something, the opportunity is been denied to me both by the external world and by my own hand. I don't want to keep trying, not only because I think I'll keep on failing, but truthfully I have no interest in it. Knowing how things truly are, I'd rather surrender than continue to play this pointless game of life.

Anyhow, I don't plan on going out in the next coming days. However, I do want to have the sense of relief and comfort in knowing that that whenever I know it's time I have my exit plan readily available. I've never been an impulsive person, hence why I've been postponing killing myself for years now, but I can feel that any day now will be my last and that today was my last birthday.

 

[Canto XIII]

Don't be so hard on yourself, my friend. A man's life is always heavily influenced and constrained by a multitude of circumstances, foreseable and unforeseen, which defy our control. "Non mi è incognito, come molti hanno avuto e hanno opinione, che le cose del mondo siano in modo governate dalla fortuna, e da Dio, che gli uomini con la prudenza loro non possino correggerle, anzi non vi abbino rimedio alcuno (...) Nondimanco (...) giudico potere esser vero, che la fortuna sia arbitra della metà delle azioni nostre, ma che ancora ella ne lasci governare l'altra metà, o poco meno, a noi. Ed assomiglio quella ad fiume rovinoso, che quando ei si adira, allaga i piani, rovina gli arbori e gli edifici, lieva da questa parte terreno, ponendolo a quell'altra; ciascuno gli fugge davanti, ognuno cede al suo furore, senza potervi ostare; e benchè sia così fatto, non resta però che gli uomini, quando sono tempi quieti, non vi possino fare provvedimenti e con ripari, e con argini, immodochè crescendo poi, o egli andrebbe per un canale, o l'impeto suo non sarebbe sì licenzioso, nè sì dannoso" (Machiavelli, Il principe 25). The flip side is that fortune can bring us unexpected blessings too, or at least unexpected changes of scenery.