raincandy_v
命に嫌われている。
- May 25, 2026
- 21
My life in this last year has been a blur. I feel like things last year were better, but also when it started to get worse. I've lived with depression most of my life, and misdiagnosis on stuff like DID and GAD has left me feeling hollow and like I missed the chances to make the most of my life.
Here recently, it's all felt worse. I live with housemates, but I feel alone. I don't want to talk to them about my mental health. It always comes down to a match of "Oh well I have this, and this and this, and they have…" blah blah blah. It feels like they trivialize my feelings when I have tried in the past.
For the last week, I finally started a job again after nine months. It isn't bad, but merely a distraction and a means to an end. I don't hate it, but I don't enjoy it. It's just a time killer. Days I don't work or whatever I sit in my room in bed and doomscroll YouTube or socials because I cannot be bothered to do anything else.
Recently, it's made everything feel loud. My thoughts, a spoon in the kitchen, footsteps in the hall. I feel like everything is so loud. It feels like I am being pushed into a hole where it is just "do or die" but I would honestly rather die now.
It's left me searching and digging for quiet methods to just CTB. Nothing loud or a spectacle. I'd rather just be found dead and my housemates assume it's natural causes or something. I'm so tired of day to day life; trying to be something I wasn't ever supposed to be.
To make a sour few months worse, my childhood dog lied recently after having a stroke. It breaks me heart but at the same time; I haven't been able to make myself cry. I feel like I should be more heartbroken after all; I had that dog for 15 years.
As I am writing all this, it just makes me feel like I am less than human. I feel like wasted space or wasted resources for someone who could benefit more. I wish every day that I just don't wake up so I can stop being a problem for everyone around me.
I deactivated my socials today, every single one. Honestly just wish that everyone could forget they ever met me and I could fade to obscurity. Unfortunately I know that isn't possible. But it would make my life so much easier. I don't know how everyone knows me anymore; what version of me they know. All i know is, I don't feel like anyone truly knows me. If they did, they sure wouldn't miss me. I just hope I can find peace sooner rather than later. I'm too tired of everything.
Here recently, it's all felt worse. I live with housemates, but I feel alone. I don't want to talk to them about my mental health. It always comes down to a match of "Oh well I have this, and this and this, and they have…" blah blah blah. It feels like they trivialize my feelings when I have tried in the past.
For the last week, I finally started a job again after nine months. It isn't bad, but merely a distraction and a means to an end. I don't hate it, but I don't enjoy it. It's just a time killer. Days I don't work or whatever I sit in my room in bed and doomscroll YouTube or socials because I cannot be bothered to do anything else.
Recently, it's made everything feel loud. My thoughts, a spoon in the kitchen, footsteps in the hall. I feel like everything is so loud. It feels like I am being pushed into a hole where it is just "do or die" but I would honestly rather die now.
It's left me searching and digging for quiet methods to just CTB. Nothing loud or a spectacle. I'd rather just be found dead and my housemates assume it's natural causes or something. I'm so tired of day to day life; trying to be something I wasn't ever supposed to be.
To make a sour few months worse, my childhood dog lied recently after having a stroke. It breaks me heart but at the same time; I haven't been able to make myself cry. I feel like I should be more heartbroken after all; I had that dog for 15 years.
As I am writing all this, it just makes me feel like I am less than human. I feel like wasted space or wasted resources for someone who could benefit more. I wish every day that I just don't wake up so I can stop being a problem for everyone around me.
I deactivated my socials today, every single one. Honestly just wish that everyone could forget they ever met me and I could fade to obscurity. Unfortunately I know that isn't possible. But it would make my life so much easier. I don't know how everyone knows me anymore; what version of me they know. All i know is, I don't feel like anyone truly knows me. If they did, they sure wouldn't miss me. I just hope I can find peace sooner rather than later. I'm too tired of everything.
