ferret-in-a-sock
Member
- Jan 25, 2023
- 72
This is to say I think my last post because I don't think I need to worry about actively attempting to CTB because I have a feeling I may go regardless now. Maybe in a few years maybe sooner. But I feel at peace now because...that's really reassuring regardless. There is not a long future so I don't have to worry anymore.
I had a really strong gut feeling since I first went to the ER as a teen and they noticed arrhythmia after I got several chest injuries and a head injury.
I struggled to run my 5ks when before the injury I'd been fine and at an 8 minute mile (decent for females). I'd constantly get light headed and unable to breathe. They told me it was anxiety. I couldn't manage exercise at the same level despite being the same weight and still in shape after track season pre injury. My mile time became 16 minutes.
It kept worsening every year. Again. And again. And again. And they kept dismissing it. I found in past 2 years I have severe issues when sleeping waking up unable to breathe and a feeling like an electrical charge in my chest. My insomnia has been so much worse. I began desperately begging doctors to consider but they kept telling me I'm too young. It's anxiety. When I had insurance they'd go "I can check....buuuuuut there's no good reason to so your insurance won't cover. How about you try stress relief and if that doesn't woek in a few months we can check."
I'm trans so I had a bad feeling starting T might make it worse. It did, but I don't regret it. I wouldn't take that back. Not for anything.
I've been not wanting to say diphen was the med I'm "allergic" to really, it was that. That "rare" side effect I had a feeling applied to me. I knew it. I didn't even need to overdose that high. Didnt even reach the dose people hallucinate on. I knew it. Full heart attack symptoms for afab. Everything hurts like a b, like I'm sore from working out, but I'm grinning because it feels sweet even if it sucks. I keep sipping water because well....don't want to be dehydrated on top of it. Feel vindicated and like I said extremely at peace. Like years. And years. And years of these symptoms and a terrifying moment or "this is it?" and then this painful aftermath.
Maybe I'm wrong. But. It really. Really. Reallllly doesn't feel like it. Regardless this is the one place I know I can admit that without anyone saying "go to the ER
!" And if I'm wrong, so be it. Either way, I'm satisfied and at peace. Pain feels great. I feel good--well, except for yanno the other like 10 symptoms like numbness, nausea, etc.
I don't know if I want tell friends or anyone because last thing I want is the same doctor treatment I had for 6 years of this. I don't want to go to ER so I can be gaslit then charged a small fortune. Then unless I can perform a lovely lie like "Uh, I was actually doing the Benadryl challenge I saw on TikTok, my bad" end up inpatient
I had a really strong gut feeling since I first went to the ER as a teen and they noticed arrhythmia after I got several chest injuries and a head injury.
I struggled to run my 5ks when before the injury I'd been fine and at an 8 minute mile (decent for females). I'd constantly get light headed and unable to breathe. They told me it was anxiety. I couldn't manage exercise at the same level despite being the same weight and still in shape after track season pre injury. My mile time became 16 minutes.
It kept worsening every year. Again. And again. And again. And they kept dismissing it. I found in past 2 years I have severe issues when sleeping waking up unable to breathe and a feeling like an electrical charge in my chest. My insomnia has been so much worse. I began desperately begging doctors to consider but they kept telling me I'm too young. It's anxiety. When I had insurance they'd go "I can check....buuuuuut there's no good reason to so your insurance won't cover. How about you try stress relief and if that doesn't woek in a few months we can check."
I'm trans so I had a bad feeling starting T might make it worse. It did, but I don't regret it. I wouldn't take that back. Not for anything.
I've been not wanting to say diphen was the med I'm "allergic" to really, it was that. That "rare" side effect I had a feeling applied to me. I knew it. I didn't even need to overdose that high. Didnt even reach the dose people hallucinate on. I knew it. Full heart attack symptoms for afab. Everything hurts like a b, like I'm sore from working out, but I'm grinning because it feels sweet even if it sucks. I keep sipping water because well....don't want to be dehydrated on top of it. Feel vindicated and like I said extremely at peace. Like years. And years. And years of these symptoms and a terrifying moment or "this is it?" and then this painful aftermath.
Maybe I'm wrong. But. It really. Really. Reallllly doesn't feel like it. Regardless this is the one place I know I can admit that without anyone saying "go to the ER
!" And if I'm wrong, so be it. Either way, I'm satisfied and at peace. Pain feels great. I feel good--well, except for yanno the other like 10 symptoms like numbness, nausea, etc.I don't know if I want tell friends or anyone because last thing I want is the same doctor treatment I had for 6 years of this. I don't want to go to ER so I can be gaslit then charged a small fortune. Then unless I can perform a lovely lie like "Uh, I was actually doing the Benadryl challenge I saw on TikTok, my bad" end up inpatient
