perdredenord
he/him • wishing for a will to live
- Dec 26, 2020
- 59
when I made the order, my plans were to go find an isolated place to stay for a month or two, preferably close to the person I have had a loving relationship and connection with over the past two years, long distance - with the SN in my pocket if I still felt it wasn't worth it after spending that time.
However, the past week has been one of the worst of my life, for many personal reasons and health reasons, and home reasons.
I told that person I wanted to talk to them about a time-sensitive plan to visit them, and they told me they would make the time... that was six days ago. They don't message me unless I message them, and not for more than one or two messages, where they have repeatedly said "I might have time, I'll let you know", and then simply not responded to me again.
I think that really tells me all I need to know about them wanting it to be real. At this point, I'm starting to wonder if it's always been like this for our relationship.
To top it off, my roommate hid half a tab of LSD in a caramel with intent to eat it later. Guess who fucking ate the caramel. And my roommate was already tripping, and is just trying to have a good time after I ruined her trip on New Years with my anxiety, and she panicked about it, so I told her not to worry about it. And I certainly can handle half a tab, but it really does bring out the emotions so much stronger, and I really wasn't expecting to be fucking tripping tonight and I have to deal with it alone.
I think at this point, I might just clean up as much of my shit so my poor roommates don't have to deal with it, and get a hotel next weekend.
What the fuck is the point of keeping up with this? Not a single fucking person cares. It's always random people who don't know me whining about how I should keep going - when in reality, no one has actively tried to talk to me or otherwise be in my life, even as an online, sometimes-friend, in several months.
I'm genuinely alone and I think I'm making things worse by staying here longer, thinking that somehow things will get better.
They can't. Not for me.
However, the past week has been one of the worst of my life, for many personal reasons and health reasons, and home reasons.
I told that person I wanted to talk to them about a time-sensitive plan to visit them, and they told me they would make the time... that was six days ago. They don't message me unless I message them, and not for more than one or two messages, where they have repeatedly said "I might have time, I'll let you know", and then simply not responded to me again.
I think that really tells me all I need to know about them wanting it to be real. At this point, I'm starting to wonder if it's always been like this for our relationship.
To top it off, my roommate hid half a tab of LSD in a caramel with intent to eat it later. Guess who fucking ate the caramel. And my roommate was already tripping, and is just trying to have a good time after I ruined her trip on New Years with my anxiety, and she panicked about it, so I told her not to worry about it. And I certainly can handle half a tab, but it really does bring out the emotions so much stronger, and I really wasn't expecting to be fucking tripping tonight and I have to deal with it alone.
I think at this point, I might just clean up as much of my shit so my poor roommates don't have to deal with it, and get a hotel next weekend.
What the fuck is the point of keeping up with this? Not a single fucking person cares. It's always random people who don't know me whining about how I should keep going - when in reality, no one has actively tried to talk to me or otherwise be in my life, even as an online, sometimes-friend, in several months.
I'm genuinely alone and I think I'm making things worse by staying here longer, thinking that somehow things will get better.
They can't. Not for me.
