They are so so fucking stupid. I am in a day clinic since 2 weeks. I am ambigous whether it actually helps. The conversations and therapy help. But they are also overburdening. My biggest issue is that this clinic starts very early in the morning. And that's so toxic for my mental health and sleep rhythm. So far I had to wake up 6:30 a.m. And had to be at the clinic at 7:30 a.m. However, my brain can't cope with that and I am regularly awake at 4:30 a.m. or earlier. I lack sleep and going earlier to bed does not really help. I got pretty paranoid because of that and some of my interactions on this forum prove that. I already told to a staff member it would be very relieving for me to come 1 hour later and to go 1 hour earlier. This would be so so much better for my mental health. Furthermore, they prohibited me to take my z-medication (addictive sleeping pill) regularly which is the sole reason I am able to study and be able to keep my shit together. Moreover, I am not allowed to adjust my other sleeping medication on my own because they want to be in control of it. Honestly, I was so fucking paranoid the last days.
But today something completely insane happened. I had a long conversation with a staff member. I often come 5 minutes too late to the clinic because my bus is sometimes delayed as so often in Germany. I thought this would be no problem at all. We bascially do nothing in the first hour. I never expected this could cause problems. Well they want me to take a bus earlier. (otherwise I might get thrown out) I was completely stunned. I was too shy to beg them to come later. But now they want me to come even earlier for bascially nothing. For fucking 5 minutes in which we do bascially nothing. I was really like what the actual fuck. I did not know what to respond. I liked the staff member who was the messenger. And she suspected me to become acute suicidal after this message. I was uncertain what to respond and had to take some times to think about it.
I messaged my parents and told them that the clinic demands insane and impossible things from me and that it is impossible to go there anymore. I asked the staff member to take some time to talk again. I told her (I tried to be very friendly) that under these circumstances it is impossible for me to continue going to the clinic. I told them a lot (gladly not everything other patients did that and I had the feeling some regretted it. They acted very carefully after spending time in the closed psych ward) about my suicidality. I knew they would not let me walk away as a free man after all the things I explained. I tried to be cooperative. I told them that it is too demanding for me. I told them I will go to a sports club to work on my physcial health I might really do that. I hate sports but so many people tell me it is horrible to lay 75% of your life time in bed). I will make a thread about that in the future. And I told them I will go to another day clinic. This is somewhat of a lie. I already went there and the psychiatrist told me I probably had to stay over night which is unacceptable for me. I won't do that. I could try to negotiate again. Moreover, smartphones are prohibited in that clinic and hell I don't want to torture me with that. Further, most patients are way older than me. I am not sure whether she got the message which I tried to communicate her. I think she was only relieved I still have plans for the future. I am not sure whether she understood that taking this bus earlier would fuel my demise pretty rapidly. She still told me to still do that.
So well. I told them the day clinic decreases my suicidality a lot. But I am really not sure whether that's actually the truth. My main reason to stay is the potential to find a girlfriend there who fits to me. So far none of them interested me. However, I have pretty good interactions with my clinic clique. They all know suicidality a lot.
These demands are such a joke. I should ruin my mental health even more just for 5 minutes doing nothing. This is so insane. I was in so much pain the last days and they know that. Still they demand such bullshit of me. Holy shit.
But today something completely insane happened. I had a long conversation with a staff member. I often come 5 minutes too late to the clinic because my bus is sometimes delayed as so often in Germany. I thought this would be no problem at all. We bascially do nothing in the first hour. I never expected this could cause problems. Well they want me to take a bus earlier. (otherwise I might get thrown out) I was completely stunned. I was too shy to beg them to come later. But now they want me to come even earlier for bascially nothing. For fucking 5 minutes in which we do bascially nothing. I was really like what the actual fuck. I did not know what to respond. I liked the staff member who was the messenger. And she suspected me to become acute suicidal after this message. I was uncertain what to respond and had to take some times to think about it.
I messaged my parents and told them that the clinic demands insane and impossible things from me and that it is impossible to go there anymore. I asked the staff member to take some time to talk again. I told her (I tried to be very friendly) that under these circumstances it is impossible for me to continue going to the clinic. I told them a lot (gladly not everything other patients did that and I had the feeling some regretted it. They acted very carefully after spending time in the closed psych ward) about my suicidality. I knew they would not let me walk away as a free man after all the things I explained. I tried to be cooperative. I told them that it is too demanding for me. I told them I will go to a sports club to work on my physcial health I might really do that. I hate sports but so many people tell me it is horrible to lay 75% of your life time in bed). I will make a thread about that in the future. And I told them I will go to another day clinic. This is somewhat of a lie. I already went there and the psychiatrist told me I probably had to stay over night which is unacceptable for me. I won't do that. I could try to negotiate again. Moreover, smartphones are prohibited in that clinic and hell I don't want to torture me with that. Further, most patients are way older than me. I am not sure whether she got the message which I tried to communicate her. I think she was only relieved I still have plans for the future. I am not sure whether she understood that taking this bus earlier would fuel my demise pretty rapidly. She still told me to still do that.
So well. I told them the day clinic decreases my suicidality a lot. But I am really not sure whether that's actually the truth. My main reason to stay is the potential to find a girlfriend there who fits to me. So far none of them interested me. However, I have pretty good interactions with my clinic clique. They all know suicidality a lot.
These demands are such a joke. I should ruin my mental health even more just for 5 minutes doing nothing. This is so insane. I was in so much pain the last days and they know that. Still they demand such bullshit of me. Holy shit.
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