The day was wild.
I am in day clinic and it is way too much. But a day and night clinic would be even way worse I have to wake up early in the morning. The staff is shocked what college has done to me. Malnutrition, feeling of sickness in my stomach all the time, can't eat, can't sleep, way too high pulse, way too low blood pressure. Honestly before going there I often compared my life with torture. Maybe what Nawalny had to endure. I just wish to collapse and die instantly.
Moreover, I was at my self-help group. I successfuly have not talked about suicide in this group for once. I am self-loathing a lot. I despise myself. But my former crush in that group explained she feels attracted to men with different value systems than her. However, she has a longterm bf. I felt like she is probably disgusted by me. And then she said she likes bad apples. I am not sure whether I am her flavor though. It kind of lifted my mood the notion women can like men with flaws.
I went with one person of that group to the public transport. And recently the pain is so much that I don't care whether other people in public transport can listen to it. I think two women could hear us and might were judging me for some remarks. However, at the end I expressed extreme self-loathing. I cannot look in their head. I am not sure whether really listened. I don't know. Recently I dropped a pretty funny joke in the train about being depressed. The other person mentioned her medication prior to that and one random guy gave me a laugh in a positive way. Which also lifted my mood.
I hope I die in my sleep.
I am in day clinic and it is way too much. But a day and night clinic would be even way worse I have to wake up early in the morning. The staff is shocked what college has done to me. Malnutrition, feeling of sickness in my stomach all the time, can't eat, can't sleep, way too high pulse, way too low blood pressure. Honestly before going there I often compared my life with torture. Maybe what Nawalny had to endure. I just wish to collapse and die instantly.
Moreover, I was at my self-help group. I successfuly have not talked about suicide in this group for once. I am self-loathing a lot. I despise myself. But my former crush in that group explained she feels attracted to men with different value systems than her. However, she has a longterm bf. I felt like she is probably disgusted by me. And then she said she likes bad apples. I am not sure whether I am her flavor though. It kind of lifted my mood the notion women can like men with flaws.
I went with one person of that group to the public transport. And recently the pain is so much that I don't care whether other people in public transport can listen to it. I think two women could hear us and might were judging me for some remarks. However, at the end I expressed extreme self-loathing. I cannot look in their head. I am not sure whether really listened. I don't know. Recently I dropped a pretty funny joke in the train about being depressed. The other person mentioned her medication prior to that and one random guy gave me a laugh in a positive way. Which also lifted my mood.
I hope I die in my sleep.
Last edited:
