I am in a clinic. I will stay somewhat vague too scared of getting identified. I am in a clinic with many suicidal people. I was not fully aware of that it is not dedicated for that. it is prohibited to talk about suicide and self-harm and yes we already crossed that line. I am getting somewhat anxious to get into trouble for breaking this rule.
So there are two borderline women who alluded they are/were very suicidal. (They would get locked away if they were fully honest). And recently they attempted. After the clinic I asked one of them how suicidal she actually is. And seemingly quite suicidal. In contrast to me she seems to be more open about in front of therapists. How likely is it she reads that post? I hope not.
She says she has detailed method knowledge memorized. In contrast to me she is still considering the pros and cons of which method to use. I would never ever tell anyone of them about SaSu. I am way way too scared to get into trouble legally and ethically. They are pretty young and a few years ago they were minors.
The thing is: this is the second day we talked openly about suicide and it is already very fucking explicit. Some of them joked that one of us could jump in front of the train. Some really made movements into that direction and feint it. Is this the right word? They made moves into that direction and laughed loud.
I got anxious. I know I gonna commit suicide in the future. I think the staff also knows that. But they are so young. (I am not much older but their lives are not as hopeless as mine from what they have described).) Moreover, what weighs even more. Holy shit I don't want to witness a train suicide in real life. When I was a teenager I watched gore but I always was scared about train videos and never watched one. This must look nightmarish. I told them not to jump and said something like way too risky. (which is also my honest opinion). The other one (who is less suicidal) said he would rather slit his wrists. I think most people on this forum can evaluate that method. I told them if one of them jumped the rest of us would get pretty traumatized. We would all develop PTSD and a domino suicide of us all would be likely. I really really don't want to witness a train suicide especially not in real life where all the organs and blood fly around maybe right into my face.
I am really scared to get into trouble if one of them kills themselves. I will try to steer the conversation into a different direction if they are actually explicitly planning something (for us doing it together for example). I have done that in the past. I am very much anti group suicide (for me personally). Way too risky. What scares me we are already that explicit the second day we talk about it. We will be together some weeks. It could get uncomfortable for me. It is something different in real life.There are pros and cons debating suicide online or in real life. It is an interesting experience. However, in real life the impact and the consequences of the decision are more real.
It is not that I am scared about me committing suicide. I gonna do it not sure when exactly I will do it. I am pretty dead set on SN as a method. I would never ever tell them about that method. If they committed suicide with it I might would go to jail for it. Holy shit. I am not sure how to de-escalate the situation if it comes that far. In case they literally tell me "I am going to kill myself tomorrow" I would probably give the staff a hint. I know I am a snitch but my ass is too beautiful for prison. I have way way way too many problems. Jail time should not be one of them. However, I am pretty surprised. In many cases I would have never expected they are suicidal. A dude just told me today he attempted some time ago and was close to do it again. I never expected him to be suicidal he is so funny and always says he is in a good mood.
Furthermore, I could live better with a suicide if I knew the person actually tried to get better. And some/many of them have done close to zero attempts to get better. I respect when others think suicide can also be a matter of philosophy for example pro-mortalists. But none of them seem to be pro-mortalists. In the end I don't know their story. I don't know how much theyhave tried. But if they told me I gonna kill myself tomorrow and they actually do it there would be very uncomfortable questions for me. Also from the staff. I am not sure how good I could sleep with that.
I am not sure where's the difference to this forum. I think for coming to this forum people actually research methods. They are doing the first step. And the survivial instinct is in most cases so strong that extreme pain and suffering is necessary to go through with it.
Moreover, I have a guilty conscience because I broke the rule not to talk about it when I asked the one who alluded severe suicidality how suicidal she actually is. Me committing suicide I don't have any guilty conscience. I also would consider it to be very questionable (in most cases) to give someone else a guilty conscience for committing suicide.
First I wanted to post this in suicide discussion. However, my sorrows concerning these action let me post this in off-topic. It is also not recovery related. Lol.
It is overwhelming to be that honest in front of other suicidal patients. However, compared to them I shut my mouth. I don't trust randoms. I barely speak about my suicidality in front of them. I only leave hints. They could be snitches just as me. I think it is somehwat normal to have these concerns that I just explained. Especially if you look another human being straight into his or her eyes and notice for example how they laugh and joke around. You feel sad for them. But you can pretty much relate.
So there are two borderline women who alluded they are/were very suicidal. (They would get locked away if they were fully honest). And recently they attempted. After the clinic I asked one of them how suicidal she actually is. And seemingly quite suicidal. In contrast to me she seems to be more open about in front of therapists. How likely is it she reads that post? I hope not.
She says she has detailed method knowledge memorized. In contrast to me she is still considering the pros and cons of which method to use. I would never ever tell anyone of them about SaSu. I am way way too scared to get into trouble legally and ethically. They are pretty young and a few years ago they were minors.
The thing is: this is the second day we talked openly about suicide and it is already very fucking explicit. Some of them joked that one of us could jump in front of the train. Some really made movements into that direction and feint it. Is this the right word? They made moves into that direction and laughed loud.
I got anxious. I know I gonna commit suicide in the future. I think the staff also knows that. But they are so young. (I am not much older but their lives are not as hopeless as mine from what they have described).) Moreover, what weighs even more. Holy shit I don't want to witness a train suicide in real life. When I was a teenager I watched gore but I always was scared about train videos and never watched one. This must look nightmarish. I told them not to jump and said something like way too risky. (which is also my honest opinion). The other one (who is less suicidal) said he would rather slit his wrists. I think most people on this forum can evaluate that method. I told them if one of them jumped the rest of us would get pretty traumatized. We would all develop PTSD and a domino suicide of us all would be likely. I really really don't want to witness a train suicide especially not in real life where all the organs and blood fly around maybe right into my face.
I am really scared to get into trouble if one of them kills themselves. I will try to steer the conversation into a different direction if they are actually explicitly planning something (for us doing it together for example). I have done that in the past. I am very much anti group suicide (for me personally). Way too risky. What scares me we are already that explicit the second day we talk about it. We will be together some weeks. It could get uncomfortable for me. It is something different in real life.There are pros and cons debating suicide online or in real life. It is an interesting experience. However, in real life the impact and the consequences of the decision are more real.
It is not that I am scared about me committing suicide. I gonna do it not sure when exactly I will do it. I am pretty dead set on SN as a method. I would never ever tell them about that method. If they committed suicide with it I might would go to jail for it. Holy shit. I am not sure how to de-escalate the situation if it comes that far. In case they literally tell me "I am going to kill myself tomorrow" I would probably give the staff a hint. I know I am a snitch but my ass is too beautiful for prison. I have way way way too many problems. Jail time should not be one of them. However, I am pretty surprised. In many cases I would have never expected they are suicidal. A dude just told me today he attempted some time ago and was close to do it again. I never expected him to be suicidal he is so funny and always says he is in a good mood.
Furthermore, I could live better with a suicide if I knew the person actually tried to get better. And some/many of them have done close to zero attempts to get better. I respect when others think suicide can also be a matter of philosophy for example pro-mortalists. But none of them seem to be pro-mortalists. In the end I don't know their story. I don't know how much theyhave tried. But if they told me I gonna kill myself tomorrow and they actually do it there would be very uncomfortable questions for me. Also from the staff. I am not sure how good I could sleep with that.
I am not sure where's the difference to this forum. I think for coming to this forum people actually research methods. They are doing the first step. And the survivial instinct is in most cases so strong that extreme pain and suffering is necessary to go through with it.
Moreover, I have a guilty conscience because I broke the rule not to talk about it when I asked the one who alluded severe suicidality how suicidal she actually is. Me committing suicide I don't have any guilty conscience. I also would consider it to be very questionable (in most cases) to give someone else a guilty conscience for committing suicide.
First I wanted to post this in suicide discussion. However, my sorrows concerning these action let me post this in off-topic. It is also not recovery related. Lol.
It is overwhelming to be that honest in front of other suicidal patients. However, compared to them I shut my mouth. I don't trust randoms. I barely speak about my suicidality in front of them. I only leave hints. They could be snitches just as me. I think it is somehwat normal to have these concerns that I just explained. Especially if you look another human being straight into his or her eyes and notice for example how they laugh and joke around. You feel sad for them. But you can pretty much relate.
