bianbianbianbian
I am what I am.
- Jun 10, 2022
- 102
I haven't really been active for basically a month now and a few things have happened. Long story short, I'm going to CTB or make an attempt at catching the bus again. This will be my 3rd time now.
Before the last time I was here (March 25th), I "broke up" with my at the time boyfriend on the first of March and was really hurt and found some kinship in a similar post someone else made here. I went back to him the same day, though. He took me back. On March 20th, I found out he had been cheating on me since the end of December/beginning of January. Maybe a little longer than that. We had only dated 6 months. He had lied to me about his age and I'm starting to realize he may have lied to me about a lot more than that when I met him. I'm starting to think I was a rebound. But maybe not. The only person who knows is him. He went back to the girl he cheated on me with the day afterwards or maybe her to him. I'd seen them break up a week ago via social media. Then a week ago, I messaged him apologizing for making him feel like he couldn't leave me. I had told him (in late December) that I felt that if we never got together, I probably would've killed myself. He said this was the reason he cheated and distanced himself. He also told me started distancing himself in the beginning of December and that the reason was actually because he didn't know what he wanted. I'm sure he just didn't love me and I'm sure he would've cheated anyways. Anyways, fast forward to last Friday when I messaged him, we spoke until Saturday and he just left me on read until yesterday when I messaged him again. I keep crawling back to him. Please do not comment on how much my actions are basically me pissing on myself because I didn't come here for that. I keep messaging him in hopes I get some clarity and that he will understand me and that he will have an ounce of care for me. Today, they got back together. I have no words. I'm pretending I'm not aware.
He has made me realize I need to push myself back into this. He's given me more baggage while I was already dealing with other things. And he doesn't care and he never cared. He would've never said or did half of the things he did if he had any kind of decency for me.
He knew how hard it was for me to trust him and how much it scared me.
He knew things I never told anyone.
I did things with him I never would've done with anyone else.
It matters less that I love him and more that I trusted him and he deliberately broke it and made sure I felt bad for it.
In the beginning he said to me that he couldn't date someone who didn't trust him and that I was going to have to take that risk.
I don't want to go and re-call everything he said and did and try typing it all out to the best of my ability. Thinking about it is enough.
I am not here for hope or to hear words of encouragement or criticism of any kind.
But I think it's time I be selfish for once and do this for myself. All I've become is a doormat.
I always feel the need to apologize first, especially to the people who have hurt; in which cases I am not in the wrong.
And they feed off of it, it boosts their ago, helps them cum at night, or just makes them think I was wrong for some reason or something.
I am starting to see just how much all of the fucked up things in my life have really affected me, even the things I didn't feel anything towards until now as I see them manifest themselves back into my life by this loop I keep having to go through and through my behavior. I will never be who I want to be because I will not be able to be me. I can find someone else, make money, make a name, accomplish tons of life goals, make friends, and do lots of good for the world and for myself, but it will never be enough when it's not what I really want. I want to be free. I really do not want to be happy anymore. I'm waiting still until he gets off work to reply to my message so we will what happens from there.
It's always hard to get everything that's happened and everything I have to say and every thought that crosses my mind as I'm writing down as I think it but I am just looking for someone to relate to. Not to push me away from this. I just need people to speak to, really. It will be a while until I'm able to CTB, so I have to push through until then. Right now, I'm in the process of trying to get a will put together and everything I want to give to the people I care for put together and put in place.
Thank you for reading this far if you did.
Know that I really want you guys to say what you like, I just may not agree with it depending on what it is. Thanks.
Before the last time I was here (March 25th), I "broke up" with my at the time boyfriend on the first of March and was really hurt and found some kinship in a similar post someone else made here. I went back to him the same day, though. He took me back. On March 20th, I found out he had been cheating on me since the end of December/beginning of January. Maybe a little longer than that. We had only dated 6 months. He had lied to me about his age and I'm starting to realize he may have lied to me about a lot more than that when I met him. I'm starting to think I was a rebound. But maybe not. The only person who knows is him. He went back to the girl he cheated on me with the day afterwards or maybe her to him. I'd seen them break up a week ago via social media. Then a week ago, I messaged him apologizing for making him feel like he couldn't leave me. I had told him (in late December) that I felt that if we never got together, I probably would've killed myself. He said this was the reason he cheated and distanced himself. He also told me started distancing himself in the beginning of December and that the reason was actually because he didn't know what he wanted. I'm sure he just didn't love me and I'm sure he would've cheated anyways. Anyways, fast forward to last Friday when I messaged him, we spoke until Saturday and he just left me on read until yesterday when I messaged him again. I keep crawling back to him. Please do not comment on how much my actions are basically me pissing on myself because I didn't come here for that. I keep messaging him in hopes I get some clarity and that he will understand me and that he will have an ounce of care for me. Today, they got back together. I have no words. I'm pretending I'm not aware.
He has made me realize I need to push myself back into this. He's given me more baggage while I was already dealing with other things. And he doesn't care and he never cared. He would've never said or did half of the things he did if he had any kind of decency for me.
He knew how hard it was for me to trust him and how much it scared me.
He knew things I never told anyone.
I did things with him I never would've done with anyone else.
It matters less that I love him and more that I trusted him and he deliberately broke it and made sure I felt bad for it.
In the beginning he said to me that he couldn't date someone who didn't trust him and that I was going to have to take that risk.
I don't want to go and re-call everything he said and did and try typing it all out to the best of my ability. Thinking about it is enough.
I am not here for hope or to hear words of encouragement or criticism of any kind.
But I think it's time I be selfish for once and do this for myself. All I've become is a doormat.
I always feel the need to apologize first, especially to the people who have hurt; in which cases I am not in the wrong.
And they feed off of it, it boosts their ago, helps them cum at night, or just makes them think I was wrong for some reason or something.
I am starting to see just how much all of the fucked up things in my life have really affected me, even the things I didn't feel anything towards until now as I see them manifest themselves back into my life by this loop I keep having to go through and through my behavior. I will never be who I want to be because I will not be able to be me. I can find someone else, make money, make a name, accomplish tons of life goals, make friends, and do lots of good for the world and for myself, but it will never be enough when it's not what I really want. I want to be free. I really do not want to be happy anymore. I'm waiting still until he gets off work to reply to my message so we will what happens from there.
It's always hard to get everything that's happened and everything I have to say and every thought that crosses my mind as I'm writing down as I think it but I am just looking for someone to relate to. Not to push me away from this. I just need people to speak to, really. It will be a while until I'm able to CTB, so I have to push through until then. Right now, I'm in the process of trying to get a will put together and everything I want to give to the people I care for put together and put in place.
Thank you for reading this far if you did.
Know that I really want you guys to say what you like, I just may not agree with it depending on what it is. Thanks.
Last edited:
