SN beside me, friends begging to keep living

[Lavender Dreams]

I haven't been this torn and conflicted in a long time. Recovery appears to be a distant dream, taking into the account solid 20ish years of trauma to process, infinite amounts of social catch up to do and a whole new self to build. The exhaustion, suffering and loneliness in all of this is indescribable. To someone like myself, having the option to go with sn sounds like granting oneself the compassion no one else had, whenever it mattered the most. I truly don't intend to cause any pain with my departure, but I'm not even sure where to begin untangling the mess when the motivation levels are at an all time low and interest in the living is non existent. Would you stay, if you knew deep in your hard that your path only leads to a future filled with solitude? If you truthfully just had yourself to rely on, once the sun sets? What is the point, when my brain has me convinced in several years I'll watch them move on, while I'll remain left behind to bite the dust?

 

[sufferingextremely]

Being torn and conflicted is a sign that there's something for you in this life. 20 years of trauma to process is a lot, but it can be done. You will feel better as you go along the process. You will have immediate rewards. You will not have to process the entirety of your life before you get any benefit. A whole new self to build is a daunting challenge, but when you consider that the new self you build can be anything that you want it to be, you have a different outlook. I have spent so much of my life wanting to die, and one thing that has kept me going is that I remind myself that I can always die tomorrow. That buys me one more day at a time. In recent years, I have been devastated and my outlook has changed. In this time I have lived the majority of my life in horrific suffering. I am not torn and conflicted now, but I've spent plenty of time where you are at and my life has taught me that there is often hope that you may not see.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry about what you're dealing with Lavender. Know that we are here for you and you can talk to us anytime. Wish you had support and companionship in your life and maybe one day you'll have, you just need to put yourself out there. You have so much to offer.

 

[xla]

I know what its like.

My world ended a couple of weeks ago. A culmination of all the pain and suffering that I went through in this life.

My friends have been there for me. Every Wednesday or Saturday, when we were scheduled to make a call, when she inevitably ditched me, my friends stayed up all night with prepared movies, making sure that I was so occupied I never had to dwell on her.
I love coding.. I love infrastructure and networking. The intricacies of engineering and science has always fascinated me.
These friends, who know nothing about that, (and honestly its not their area of interest), went to read up on quantum physics, relativity, watched interstellar with me, debated with me all night about relativity and quantum mechanics. Asked me to teach them basic python to keep myself busy.

My SN just reached a week ago. They're all that's keeping me around. Every day, one of them takes a turn to sleep with me on Discord while I cry myself to sleep.

How could I hurt them by giving up now? They didn't need to tell me that they cared, that they loved me. Their actions speak for themselves. If I gave up now, I would be doing to them what she did to me. And I cannot hurt them like she hurt me. So I keep going. Not for myself. But for them. And I hope that one day I will find myself again, and put this behind me.

 

[Lavender Dreams]

Being torn and conflicted is a sign that there's something for you in this life. 20 years of trauma to process is a lot, but it can be done. You will feel better as you go along the process. You will have immediate rewards. You will not have to process the entirety of your life before you get any benefit. A whole new self to build is a daunting challenge, but when you consider that the new self you build can be anything that you want it to be, you have a different outlook. I have spent so much of my life wanting to die, and one thing that has kept me going is that I remind myself that I can always die tomorrow. That buys me one more day at a time. In recent years, I have been devastated and my outlook has changed. In this time I have lived the majority of my life in horrific suffering. I am not torn and conflicted now, but I've spent plenty of time where you are at and my life has taught me that there is often hope that you may not see.

I'm only conflicted because I would like to enjoy all the things I was once passionate about but the pain of waking up in the bed every morning, wanting to scream and crying leaves little doubt. The reminder that I can do it anytime doesn't cut it for me no longer. Eventually if nothing changes, the overwhelm will win, regardless, just the way it did in the past for me. I'm really sorry that you're still suffering, and if you ever feel like chatting about it, feel free to vent to me.

Sorry about what you're dealing with Lavender. Know that we are here for you and you can talk to us anytime. Wish you had support and companionship in your life and maybe one day you'll have, you just need to put yourself out there. You have so much to offer.

Thank you, AI. That's incredibly sweet. I really appreciate all the support you guys give me here, it's uplifting to know there is always someone around to distract from all the dark thoughts or keep company. Can't even express how much it means to me in words. I wish I could but it's too difficult to put myself out there. I struggle to trust people in real life, been hurt by too many and can't imagine taking any more. The mere idea sends me into panic.

I know what its like.

My world ended a couple of weeks ago. A culmination of all the pain and suffering that I went through in this life.

My friends have been there for me. Every Wednesday or Saturday, when we were scheduled to make a call, when she inevitably ditched me, my friends stayed up all night with prepared movies, making sure that I was so occupied I never had to dwell on her.
I love coding.. I love infrastructure and networking. The intricacies of engineering and science has always fascinated me.
These friends, who know nothing about that, (and honestly its not their area of interest), went to read up on quantum physics, relativity, watched interstellar with me, debated with me all night about relativity and quantum mechanics. Asked me to teach them basic python to keep myself busy.

My SN just reached a week ago. They're all that's keeping me around. Every day, one of them takes a turn to sleep with me on Discord while I cry myself to sleep.

How could I hurt them by giving up now? They didn't need to tell me that they cared, that they loved me. Their actions speak for themselves. If I gave up now, I would be doing to them what she did to me. And I cannot hurt them like she hurt me. So I keep going. Not for myself. But for them. And I hope that one day I will find myself again, and put this behind me.

I'm incredibly sorry to hear that, hopefully your friends can continue to support you. You sound like a kind soul, coding is also my area of interest so we can grab a chat at some point too. :) I'm not sure what led you here but with the support network you have, I believe you have great chances at recovery. Hide the SN and don't use it unless it's last resort, when you've ran out of all the options available to you.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I know what its like.

My world ended a couple of weeks ago. A culmination of all the pain and suffering that I went through in this life.

My friends have been there for me. Every Wednesday or Saturday, when we were scheduled to make a call, when she inevitably ditched me, my friends stayed up all night with prepared movies, making sure that I was so occupied I never had to dwell on her.
I love coding.. I love infrastructure and networking. The intricacies of engineering and science has always fascinated me.
These friends, who know nothing about that, (and honestly its not their area of interest), went to read up on quantum physics, relativity, watched interstellar with me, debated with me all night about relativity and quantum mechanics. Asked me to teach them basic python to keep myself busy.

My SN just reached a week ago. They're all that's keeping me around. Every day, one of them takes a turn to sleep with me on Discord while I cry myself to sleep.

How could I hurt them by giving up now? They didn't need to tell me that they cared, that they loved me. Their actions speak for themselves. If I gave up now, I would be doing to them what she did to me. And I cannot hurt them like she hurt me. So I keep going. Not for myself. But for them. And I hope that one day I will find myself again, and put this behind me.

This post resonates so much with me. Mainly because I am in an unexpectedly similar situation. The ones who are trying to talk me out of it are my psych specialists and my family. I can see my brother and my mom going the extra mile just to make sure I make it to another day. My mom especially. In a way it feels like a suicide watch, but it's probably warranted. My psychologist made me throw away the SN, at that time it felt like I gave up complete control of my life. Right now I don't know what to think. With this medication I am taking right now ctb seems like a dumber idea, and hope is stronger. And I can feel you with the partner part. That's one of the main reasons I am in the position that I am right now. Sometimes I'm asking myself, where will I be in the future?

 

[sufferingextremely]

I'm only conflicted because I would like to enjoy all the things I was once passionate about but the pain of waking up in the bed every morning, wanting to scream and crying leaves little doubt. The reminder that I can do it anytime doesn't cut it for me no longer. Eventually if nothing changes, the overwhelm will win, regardless, just the way it did in the past for me. I'm really sorry that you're still suffering, and if you ever feel like chatting about it, feel free to vent to me.

Do you have a thread where you share what got you to this point? I am sorry for your pain and your suffering.

 

[xla]

@Lavender Dreams I would love to talk about coding and infrastructure with you. Reach out whenever you are ready. Looking for a side project to keep my mind of things.

 

[gogoprince]

I am not torn and conflicted now, but I've spent plenty of time where you are at and my life has taught me that there is often hope that you may not see.

So well said.

If I killed myself two years ago (and I was suffering from such pain and anguish for years and years) I would have never found the love of my life, Buddhism, or had a chance to deepen my relationship with family/friends. I've learned so much. Done so much. It's not everyone's experience, but you really don't have any idea when your life could change and that's why, I think, a lot of people, even in the most grueling and fucked up life situations, keep on going.