Slipping away

[Roseate]

This year have been a lot and all bad really. I've drank more this year than any other year. I'm drinking to like not feel sadness and I know that's dangerous but I need it right now. I am way more depressed to all this dickhead who said with age FUCK YOU! I don't feel like talking to my therapist. I have no friends and I'm so tired of being manipulated. I ended my last friendship because it was just so tiring being the one to put all the efforts in and being told I was too emotional and just being manipulated and feeling alone. Like they couldn't even be there for me when I needed it most because everyone and everything else was more important. I was putting effort in even when I was too tired and they couldn't take over for once and I'm so drained. It sucks. I have been looking for jobs and nothing. It's my birthday next month and I'm so miserable. I cannot go through another year like this. I don't even care to celebrate another disappointing year. I have no support system. And honestly I am so sick of talking about my fucking feelings to my therapist who don't give a fuck, she only cares about a paycheck and I can't blame her for that. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I don't have anything that brings me joy besides liquor, not even cutting helps anymore. I wish things were different. I wish someone cared but now even if they did I wouldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. It's always too much when I ask for it and I know it's not me but how can I not feel like it's me when I'm always getting hurt? When I don't have a single person to go to? I just wanna die. Even if it gets better next year and I really fucking doubt with how shitty this world is getting, there's no guarantee it'll be stay good in 2025. And I just need consistent good because my mood, my life it's all just too chaotic and I can't have something that's like not constant. I keep reflecting on like stuff that makes me how I am, and it just makes things worse because i know part of healing is looking at the past but it pushes back because I am so afraid of my own feelings, of my own thoughts. Afraid of the world. And tired. Truly exhausted. I can't do another year. I just need a plan so I can finally be at peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering here, existence is just too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Lost cherry]

I understand you. You can talk with me if u want . everyone from this site can feel your pain, because we are all the same here. We maybe have different life. Living in another country, but we are here for each other.. Until we go on some better place..

 

[Roseate]

I understand you. You can talk with me if u want . everyone from this site can feel your pain, because we are all the same here. We maybe have different life. Living in another country, but we are here for each other.. Until we go on some better place..

Talking does nothing. I honestly can't do it's I just want to sleep and never wake up again. I thought our 20s were supposed to be fun and I haven't had any fun. Just stupid users draining the life out of me and pain nonstop pain. And no one cares. No one cares until we're dead. I'm done. Either that or I will hurt the same or worse. It's not fair. It's not right. I can't take the chaos anymore

 

[Lost cherry]

I know. I want to ctb too. But i am glad because we are talking on this site. We are all good people with terrible life. I didnt want to talk with u and said "everything will be fine" or some stupid things like that. I just said i can talk with u because i can feel your pain, and i know how you feel. I know that its not right and fair but, yes you are right, no one cares until we are dead, because people are so selfish. But dont be sad, because your life is in your hands. And u can do ctb whenever you want and you can go from this fucking world. I know its so much better for all of us to have great life, to be happy. I would love ! But we have shit life, with a lot of pain , and for us death is something peaceful.

 

[Roseate]

I know. I want to ctb too. But i am glad because we are talking on this site. We are all good people with terrible life. I didnt want to talk with u and said "everything will be fine" or some stupid things like that. I just said i can talk with u because i can feel your pain, and i know how you feel. I know that its not right and fair but, yes you are right, no one cares until we are dead, because people are so selfish. But dont be sad, because your life is in your hands. And u can do ctb whenever you want and you can go from this fucking world. I know its so much better for all of us to have great life, to be happy. I would love ! But we have shit life, with a lot of pain , and for us death is something peaceful.

It really sounds peaceful and I know this plan is not foolproof and it's emotional and I did not want it to be emotional but I'm just so tired. I just want to sleep for good. I'm tired of crying all day every day because it's truly exhausting