guinea-pig
:0
- Jul 31, 2023
- 42
I have shame over everything and it destroys me. I will think about things and beat myself up over them for years even if it is the smallest thing. Like about last year me and my boyfriend were leaving a store that was catered towards Hispanic people and I'm white and while we were leaving someone opened the door for me so I said "thank you". He told me how I should have said "gracias" because it is a store for hispanic people. For months and even sometimes now I am feeling shame because I feel like I am the worst person and that I am racist for even saying thank you.
I have thoughts that just play on a loop and make me feel like shit because of what I've done.
The other day I was dog sitting and I was annoyed with the dogs because they are untrained and difficult. It was 6 days straight of it so it was a lot and I started taking my annoyance out on them but saying mean things (I know they don't understand) and taking them on the bare minimum walks of like 30 minutes and sometimes I would even pick one of the dogs up to go home if he didn't want to. Now I feel like I am an animal abuser and I don't deserve anything good in life. And I have more reason to believe I am an animal abuser because I had to give my guinea pig away because I couldn't take care of him because of depression and he was living badly for a bit before he got given away.
I feel shame about things I did when I was a child too. When I was younger I was unmedicated and just starting to have issues so I was terrible for everyone to be around like I would act literally crazy and do things for attention. There is so much that I did that I can't even start. But those things that I did when I was a kid just replay in my mind all the time.
There are many good reasons why I want to die but shame is the biggest one. I can't live with how I feel and I have tried to get over it but I can't. I've tried using logic but that was worse, I've tried forgiveness, I've tried being kind to myself, I've tried a lot but nothing works. I'm going to die feeling like a shitty person and I hate that, I always had dreams of doing good in the world, I wanted to be a therapist that works on their own so I could help people like me have some hope if they wanted it. But now I have no dreams and I'm going to die shitty.
It'd be sad. if I could see my child self looking at me now
I have thoughts that just play on a loop and make me feel like shit because of what I've done.
The other day I was dog sitting and I was annoyed with the dogs because they are untrained and difficult. It was 6 days straight of it so it was a lot and I started taking my annoyance out on them but saying mean things (I know they don't understand) and taking them on the bare minimum walks of like 30 minutes and sometimes I would even pick one of the dogs up to go home if he didn't want to. Now I feel like I am an animal abuser and I don't deserve anything good in life. And I have more reason to believe I am an animal abuser because I had to give my guinea pig away because I couldn't take care of him because of depression and he was living badly for a bit before he got given away.
I feel shame about things I did when I was a child too. When I was younger I was unmedicated and just starting to have issues so I was terrible for everyone to be around like I would act literally crazy and do things for attention. There is so much that I did that I can't even start. But those things that I did when I was a kid just replay in my mind all the time.
There are many good reasons why I want to die but shame is the biggest one. I can't live with how I feel and I have tried to get over it but I can't. I've tried using logic but that was worse, I've tried forgiveness, I've tried being kind to myself, I've tried a lot but nothing works. I'm going to die feeling like a shitty person and I hate that, I always had dreams of doing good in the world, I wanted to be a therapist that works on their own so I could help people like me have some hope if they wanted it. But now I have no dreams and I'm going to die shitty.
It'd be sad. if I could see my child self looking at me now
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