Discussion Self hate

[SmokeDetector]

I've been in therapy for almost 6 years soon, and I've gotten so much better but my self hate is still always there. I often feel happy now, I enjoy things again and I feel okay most of the time, but I feel like no matter how much I work on trying to not hate myself, it doesn't change. I'm always overly critical of myself to the point of despising myself for every tiny mistake I make. It has gotten better and I don't always feel like that anymore, but it always comes back.

Sometimes when I stand in front of a mirror I zone out and find myself staring at my face. The person I see in the mirror doesn't feel like me.
When I stare into my eyes I just feel hate staring back at me and I feel overwhelmed with despair because of how much hate I feel when I stare into my eyes. My face is like a symbol of my self hate, always reminding me of who I am.

I don't feel sad often, but I do right now and I feel like when I'm not dying from anxiety or feeling depressed, frustrated and hateful towards myself, beneath all that is just sadness.

When I feel better I forget how sad I really am and when I finally feel sad again I don't know what to do. I could never be sad in my own home when I was a kid, they never let me just cry and feel sad and now sadness is a strange emotion for me. I think it's often replaced by other, more agressive negative emotions.

Sorry for the incoherent post, I just needed to get this out before I feel normal again and forget all this.

 

[higherthanthesun]

I understand you to an extent. I had an amazing therapy experience but unfortunately lost her to due to pricing.

When I was in therapy, it was the best having someone completely unbiased to be able to talk to about anything on my mind, and she would just listen and agree with me. Therapy is great when you find someone you really connect with.

I admire you for continuing therapy and your journey, it can be really hard for a lot of people.

I have a constant underlying feeling of sadness/self hate as well, I usually tune it out by watching dumb videos online or reminding myself people have it worse by watching Dr Phil or Hoarders or something haha. It never really goes away though.

Anyways, wish you all the best, your not alone <3

 

[Cloud Busting]

I'm sorry you weren't raised in a supportive environment that allowed you to express your feelings openly. Do you think that is connected to your self-hatred? I do in my case. I felt bad for being in distress, because I was taught it wasn't ok to feel that way, instead of being shown healthy ways to process and cope.

What works for me is having compassion with myself for hating myself. "You stupid bitch. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get off your ass and quit throwing a pity party!" was the sort of stuff I used to think regularly. Now I just think, "you're embarrassed, you feel ugly, lazy, and you're ashamed. That's ok. Everyone has days like that." It helps to not feed into that self loathing for me.

Allowing myself to feel shame for making mistakes, and to heal on my own time also helps. I remind myself what I learned, which also helps. Everyone makes mistakes, but it takes maturity to grow from them.

There's a scene in bojack horseman where he tells Diane, "Don't feel bad for feeling bad," and I refer to that often.

Thank you for sharing about your experiences with dissociating in the mirror. I'm glad I'm not the only one. There is that scene in The Bell Jar where Esther sees her reflection in the elevator and sees an ugly person, then realizes it's her own. It'd be a perfect scene if it wasn't so racist lol

 

[SmokeDetector]

I'm sorry you weren't raised in a supportive environment that allowed you to express your feelings openly. Do you think that is connected to your self-hatred? I do in my case. I felt bad for being in distress, because I was taught it wasn't ok to feel that way, instead of being shown healthy ways to process and cope.

What works for me is having compassion with myself for hating myself. "You stupid bitch. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get off your ass and quit throwing a pity party!" was the sort of stuff I used to think regularly. Now I just think, "you're embarrassed, you feel ugly, lazy, and you're ashamed. That's ok. Everyone has days like that." It helps to not feed into that self loathing for me.

Allowing myself to feel shame for making mistakes, and to heal on my own time also helps. I remind myself what I learned, which also helps. Everyone makes mistakes, but it takes maturity to grow from them.

There's a scene in bojack horseman where he tells Diane, "Don't feel bad for feeling bad," and I refer to that often.

Thank you for sharing about your experiences with dissociating in the mirror. I'm glad I'm not the only one. There is that scene in The Bell Jar where Esther sees her reflection in the elevator and sees an ugly person, then realizes it's her own. It'd be a perfect scene if it wasn't so racist lol

This is definitely related to how it was at home, but the problem was never really not being allowed to feel sad and express emotion, it was rather that things were bad enough for my sister that I was just left aside. Our parents simply didn't have the time or knowledge to notice if something was wrong with me and when I did feel bad, cried or had an anxiety attack they treated it as something horrible because with her there was always the danger of suicide. They've always been as supportive as they can but since things were so bad with my sister they forgot that sometimes all someone needs is to cry alone and to just go through the pain.

And yeah, having compassion with myself through acceptance works sometimes and it feels amazing when it does.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

i relate a lot to everything you wrote, it almost feels as if i wrote it myself. even in your reply about how your parents didnt have time for you because of your sister, mine were the exact same with my brother. also ur definitely not alone in zoning out infront of mirrors. ive had to get rid of or cover all the mirrors i can, but those i cant i try to avoid like the plague otherwise ill stand there for ages just feeling sick to my stomach with hate.
ive tried being compassionate towards myself but it always feels so performative and i fee like i dont deserve it, like im not allowed to be compassionate with myself. i like the idea of having compassion with myself for hating myself, that sounds more doable, thank you for mentioning it @Cloud Busting.

 

[SmokeDetector]

i relate a lot to everything you wrote, it almost feels as if i wrote it myself. even in your reply about how your parents didnt have time for you because of your sister, mine were the exact same with my brother. also ur definitely not alone in zoning out infront of mirrors. ive had to get rid of or cover all the mirrors i can, but those i cant i try to avoid like the plague otherwise ill stand there for ages just feeling sick to my stomach with hate.
ive tried being compassionate towards myself but it always feels so performative and i fee like i dont deserve it, like im not allowed to be compassionate with myself. i like the idea of having compassion with myself for hating myself, that sounds more doable, thank you for mentioning it @Cloud Busting.

Feeling like you're not allowed to be compassionate with yourself is too damn relatable. For me it felt wrong for a long time, like it's something I'm not supposed to do or something I'll get punished for.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I also hate myself, it's to the point where I will instinctively punish myself just for feeling certain emotions. For example, just last night my computer needed to restart for a big update, but it was taking longer than usual and I was getting anxious about it. So, I forced myself to stay up later than I wanted to as "punishment" for... nothing?? , just as a way to help me process my anxiety for something that I could have just walk away from and that wasn't my fault in any way. It's confusing but also very annoying. If I start to feel anything negative, it's like my mind is a plane going on autopilot but it only knows how to crash into the nearest mountain.

It's like I just genuinely do not know how to process my emotions without self-punishment. I've been working at it and getting better, engaging with hobbies, getting out and interacting with others, etc. but when something unexpected happens and I don't know how to feel I still revert back to self-punishment because it's my default.

I also relate to everyone talking about struggling to express their emotions, I also avoid looking into mirrors, especially if I'm sad or upset.

 

[Cloud Busting]

This is definitely related to how it was at home, but the problem was never really not being allowed to feel sad and express emotion, it was rather that things were bad enough for my sister that I was just left aside. Our parents simply didn't have the time or knowledge to notice if something was wrong with me and when I did feel bad, cried or had an anxiety attack they treated it as something horrible because with her there was always the danger of suicide. They've always been as supportive as they can but since things were so bad with my sister they forgot that sometimes all someone needs is to cry alone and to just go through the pain.

I'm sorry to hear that. This wasn't my experience. My mother simply overreacted and treated each painful emotion as a malady or an issue to solve rather than a normal part of the human condition. Displays of emotions pissed her off or disturbed her. I learned to turn my emotions inward very quickly.

However my mother has had mental health problems since she was young, and my aunt was pushed aside in a similar way. Having a sibling with behavioral or developmental problems can be difficult due to the imbalance of attention. You're not the first person I've heard say they felt left out or neglected in such situations.

And yeah, having compassion with myself through acceptance works sometimes and it feels amazing when it does.

Emphasis on sometimes, haha! It doesn't always work for me either. There are times where I am just flooded with invasive intrusive thoughts about how horrible I am that go on a loop, even when I practice radical acceptance. I try to not get frustrated with myself, as that will only make it worse. I just ride the self-hating or shame or insecurity wave. Impermanence is a thing and these feelings won't last forever.

I am hoping this self-acceptance thing and realizing I will have times where I struggle with negative thoughts and that it's ok and means I deserve extra compassion will get easier with practice.

ive tried being compassionate towards myself but it always feels so performative and i fee like i dont deserve it, like im not allowed to be compassionate with myself.

I've struggled with this so much!

I have deliberately self-sabotaged on purpose because I didn't think I deserved happiness, love, success, or respect.

After I failed my attempt, was forgiven, and realized I would have been a larger burden to people dead rather than alive (I previously believed the inverse to be true,) that I am deserving finally clicked. I am sorry I do not have practical advice on how to gain this belief of being deserving and worthy. It simply happened to me on accident.

i like the idea of having compassion with myself for hating myself, that sounds more doable, thank you for mentioning it @Cloud Busting.

A former user here introduced me to Tara Barch, who is an advocate for radical acceptance. Sitting with my pain and going easy on myself for feeling bad has been the only thing that has really helped.

"Stop hating yourself! You should love yourself you fucking dumbass!" has now become, "I know you feel horrible right now. It's not easy to love yourself because it's easier to fixate on flaws. That's just where you're at. It's ok, lots of people feel that way." "Stop feeling ungrateful you spoiled asshole!" has been, "You are so stressed out and your anhedonia is so severe you can't even enjoy the pleasures of life. It's so hard to find gratitude when nothing feels good, so it's understandable you don't want to count your blessings right now. That's ok."

Meeting myself where I'm at and working on restructuring my expectations and "should" statements has been much more helpful than "thinking happy thoughts" or positive affirmations. That kinda stuff doesn't work for me personally.

If you try this out, let me know how it goes!

It's also so reassuring to know I'm not alone with this mirror thing.