Venting faked being sociable so hard i dont even know who i am anymore

[cyclicism]

as a kid i was a "social butterfly"

around highschool i became horribly socially awkward and anxious.

my mother would lament on how I changed.

i hated being socially awkward. i've since fought against it. i like talking to people. it's fun.

when im talking to a person everything is fine. im occupied. im focused. but once it's over. it's over. i crash, i don't desire to do anything. i have the time to Overthink and Analyse. it sucks

i feel like everyone hates me. and whatever i do doesnt help. no matter how much 'it doesnt matter anyways' and 'im thinking irrationally' mantras i repeat to myself, it doesnt stop.

my go to response is always to Hate Them Back. whatever. it's worked for me until now, that must mean it's a fine response, right?

think that someone has a problem with you? have you considered viscerally hating them in retaliation?

it doesnt matter that people tell you otherwise. they're lying when they say that. they fucking hate your guts.

have you considered that not every positive thing people say is a lie?

have you considered that people lie to make others feel better in the moment?

have you considered killing yourself in front of me right now?

see the problem is i'm starting to hate where i live, who i work for, what im doing, who i am. all in retaliation because i dont even know who i am anymore, really. and i dont know what to do.

all i want from life is to feel content.

not happy, really. it means something different to me. i want to be content with what i do. just a mellow appreciation for what i have and do.

this is all too hard, too much. i wish i felt the crushing need to kill myself again. instead of this inactive want. i just want it all to Stop. but i don't have the drive i used to


i wish i had killed myself back then

i wish i could just interact with people, live my life, be me without constantly overhinking

i wish i wasnt so good at "handling" my feelings

i wish i wasnt so good at hiding it all

fuck, dude. all of this for what? i don't even know

 

[Hollowman]

I lost myself too.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

as a kid i was a "social butterfly"

around highschool i became horribly socially awkward and anxious.

my mother would lament on how I changed.

i hated being socially awkward. i've since fought against it. i like talking to people. it's fun.

when im talking to a person everything is fine. im occupied. im focused. but once it's over. it's over. i crash, i don't desire to do anything. i have the time to Overthink and Analyse. it sucks

i feel like everyone hates me. and whatever i do doesnt help. no matter how much 'it doesnt matter anyways' and 'im thinking irrationally' mantras i repeat to myself, it doesnt stop.

my go to response is always to Hate Them Back. whatever. it's worked for me until now, that must mean it's a fine response, right?

think that someone has a problem with you? have you considered viscerally hating them in retaliation?

it doesnt matter that people tell you otherwise. they're lying when they say that. they fucking hate your guts.

have you considered that not every positive thing people say is a lie?

have you considered that people lie to make others feel better in the moment?

have you considered killing yourself in front of me right now?

see the problem is i'm starting to hate where i live, who i work for, what im doing, who i am. all in retaliation because i dont even know who i am anymore, really. and i dont know what to do.

all i want from life is to feel content.

not happy, really. it means something different to me. i want to be content with what i do. just a mellow appreciation for what i have and do.

this is all too hard, too much. i wish i felt the crushing need to kill myself again. instead of this inactive want. i just want it all to Stop. but i don't have the drive i used to


i wish i had killed myself back then

i wish i could just interact with people, live my life, be me without constantly overhinking

i wish i wasnt so good at "handling" my feelings

i wish i wasnt so good at hiding it all

fuck, dude. all of this for what? i don't even know

As someone that deals with the same thing, I promise people don't dislike you as much as you think they do. Unless you're generally a really shitty person, or you're giving them a reason to hate you. The chances are they just feel indifferent towards you. Filling your heart with so much hatred will only worsen your mental state and make you suffer more. Even if someone does hate you, whether they have a valid reason to or not. Just tell yourself that their hatred/dislike is irrelevant and they don't matter. And move on with your day. They don't deserve your time and energy. I know it's not easy, and it's a pretty tough mindset to get out of. But I believe in you.

 

[16thsatirist]

as a kid i was a "social butterfly"

around highschool i became horribly socially awkward and anxious.

my mother would lament on how I changed.

i hated being socially awkward. i've since fought against it. i like talking to people. it's fun.

when im talking to a person everything is fine. im occupied. im focused. but once it's over. it's over. i crash, i don't desire to do anything. i have the time to Overthink and Analyse. it sucks

i feel like everyone hates me. and whatever i do doesnt help. no matter how much 'it doesnt matter anyways' and 'im thinking irrationally' mantras i repeat to myself, it doesnt stop.

my go to response is always to Hate Them Back. whatever. it's worked for me until now, that must mean it's a fine response, right?

think that someone has a problem with you? have you considered viscerally hating them in retaliation?

it doesnt matter that people tell you otherwise. they're lying when they say that. they fucking hate your guts.

have you considered that not every positive thing people say is a lie?

have you considered that people lie to make others feel better in the moment?

have you considered killing yourself in front of me right now?

see the problem is i'm starting to hate where i live, who i work for, what im doing, who i am. all in retaliation because i dont even know who i am anymore, really. and i dont know what to do.

all i want from life is to feel content.

not happy, really. it means something different to me. i want to be content with what i do. just a mellow appreciation for what i have and do.

this is all too hard, too much. i wish i felt the crushing need to kill myself again. instead of this inactive want. i just want it all to Stop. but i don't have the drive i used to


i wish i had killed myself back then

i wish i could just interact with people, live my life, be me without constantly overhinking

i wish i wasnt so good at "handling" my feelings

i wish i wasnt so good at hiding it all

fuck, dude. all of this for what? i don't even know

oh, dude, i know this feeling, and i know it well.

i'm sorry it hurts your life, as it hurts mine too. i hate having feelings, and i know how that feels.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I feel this so much. I also have realized how many people in my life have used me and toss me aside when they're done.

 

[Pluto]

 

[bankai]

It's not your fault.mood disorders,hormonal imbalances,other changes happen all throughout our age.you didn't consciously choose this,even if you think you did.

If you see a lot of people on this site they will post about how happy they once were and then something changed.most of us are in the same boat.

 

[enjoytheride]

I feel this so much. I also have realized how many people in my life have used me and toss me aside when they're done.

Feel you. You need an "early warning system" and defence. That's the best thing to help one avoid being used and tossed. Don't ignore or justify those early red-flags*. At most, when you see them build up, you can choose to talk to the person, but nothing more - just in a Goldilocks position, where you don't let them get close enough as to be able to use you. I have a couple of acquaintances that are like this.

Otherwise, just get away from them - you don't owe them anything.

* such as not showing true empathy (incl. sudden displays of indifference), being rude out of nothing, not repaying compliments, the feeling that you give them but they don't retribute, them wanting to hang out on their terms, when they feel like it, them not actively listening to you when you do actively listen to them when they speak, too much criticism of you coming from them, the feeling of emotional exhaustion after being with them, etc., etc.

 

[CatAstro.Fee]

as a kid i was a "social butterfly"

around highschool i became horribly socially awkward and anxious.

my mother would lament on how I changed.

i hated being socially awkward. i've since fought against it. i like talking to people. it's fun.

when im talking to a person everything is fine. im occupied. im focused. but once it's over. it's over. i crash, i don't desire to do anything. i have the time to Overthink and Analyse. it sucks

i feel like everyone hates me. and whatever i do doesnt help. no matter how much 'it doesnt matter anyways' and 'im thinking irrationally' mantras i repeat to myself, it doesnt stop.

my go to response is always to Hate Them Back. whatever. it's worked for me until now, that must mean it's a fine response, right?

think that someone has a problem with you? have you considered viscerally hating them in retaliation?

it doesnt matter that people tell you otherwise. they're lying when they say that. they fucking hate your guts.

have you considered that not every positive thing people say is a lie?

have you considered that people lie to make others feel better in the moment?

have you considered killing yourself in front of me right now?

see the problem is i'm starting to hate where i live, who i work for, what im doing, who i am. all in retaliation because i dont even know who i am anymore, really. and i dont know what to do.

all i want from life is to feel content.

not happy, really. it means something different to me. i want to be content with what i do. just a mellow appreciation for what i have and do.

this is all too hard, too much. i wish i felt the crushing need to kill myself again. instead of this inactive want. i just want it all to Stop. but i don't have the drive i used to


i wish i had killed myself back then

i wish i could just interact with people, live my life, be me without constantly overhinking

i wish i wasnt so good at "handling" my feelings

i wish i wasnt so good at hiding it all

fuck, dude. all of this for what? i don't even know

Oh my god this is literally how I feel. I don't know who I am anymore because I was also like you, very outgoing and myself as a kid but got bullied so bad and grew up in a bad home that I'm shut down and feel so distant from me. I became a huge people pleaser out of fear to go through the same traumas people put me through, I stopped being as social as I once was and heavily aware of myself at all times of how others perceive me and constantly berating myself and calling myself cringe.

Fortunately I've met cool people a little before this all happened and after, but I made the wrong choices and now they're not in my life anymore, it's really lonely and nostalgic here.

I'm really sorry you went through the same thing. It's almost like it was not even real. I'm starting to think I may never be like my childhood self again but when I feel comfortable/safe, there's glimpses of myself that come out, loud and cuddly and being weird and funny, so maybe I can be like that again, just not the exact same, as long as I am myself whatever that may be, but I still don't know what that looks like because every word I say feels fake and every action I do is forced because I'm so tired and unsure.

It's hard because people still put me down for these things some times or don't reciprocate, don't care about the same things I do or just see me as something I'm not, sometimes they're right but it's not all I am, you know? Like if someone calls me a coward, I know that, but it stems from deep traumas and ongoing abuse, I don't want to be this way, It's harder than it seems to just 'be happy' and all those ignorant things people say about depression. I tend to stop being friends with those people or resent them when they say those things, that includes my own family :/

I'm also not good at dealing with my feelings so I act more on impulse rather than sitting with them and thinking, or they sit with me for months and affect every part of my life. I don't know, it's really hard. I've gotten to the point I am delusional a lot and have fantasies, that comes from daydreaming and escaping in my mind. I have no use for it anymore, and I know it will just make my life nothing if I keep feeding into bad habits. But I want to be content too. I just want to be doing something all the time and feeling like what I am doing has purpose and something that makes me feel alive. Music actually makes me feel like that could be something I could do, but I want to be in a band or something, like punk, I am very into punk and the movement of it, but I don't even know how to start.

Anyway, I've changed a bit these past years, not entirely, but SOME, in good ways, discovered things about myself. I am doing good with social interaction as well, but feeling that same feeling you feel of doubt and emptiness as soon as a good social interaction is over. I probably won't ever stop feeling that sadness when the interactions are over, I've always been that way since a kid, it sucks and some things I don't know will ever change about me but maybe I won't ever get over that, I just have to learn to be a little more mature about it when it's over because I know it will happen again and I know to some degree I will have to keep some things to myself and take time to deal with those things on my own and not in front of others.

Maybe you can find things you see never changed about you like that. I find I still love road-trips like my kid self, I love music like my kid self, I love doing voices like how I did as a kid and dressing up like I did as a kid, I've been to comic con and love halloween and all those things. I've always been kinda kid-like in the way I am, truly deep down when I hear music for example, I want to just dance and go crazy but social anxiety makes me not want to do it out of fear of being judged.

I don't know how it works but maybe you can try age-regressing? It's when people go back in a child-like mindset they felt they were safe, and I haven't really tried it yet but I've done it sometimes on impulse and it felt great, mostly when cuddling and being chaotic lol. I have the urge but been holding off for a while, to draw in a coloring book, I used to do them when I was younger and I just feel like I want to do it, for no reason, just to satisfy the need to fill in the lines and use colors. It can be very therapuetic especially for dealing with trauma, you are giving yourself some safe time and indulge in things that get lost as we grow, creativity, curiosity, child-like wonder and embrace and being yourself. It's more of that time when you just did things and enjoyed things without judging yourself, not really about being a kid just the way they think, it's hard to explain.

But yea, I know the deep feeling of wishing you were how you used to be, and feeling like everyone hates you. It definitely felt like that when I was in school but ever since it was over, I felt so much better. Even during, I tried to loosen up on thinking everyone hated me right away and somehow made friends and even had a relationship despite thinking I never would again. Life is interesting, things have come to me when I least expected it. It's weird how good things can be and then turn out shitty like this. I try to remember who I am by thinking about what is important to me and trying to feel it deep inside, intuition I think. It's like, how you know what your favorite color is, you just know, you feel it.

When you're interested in so many things, it can feel very confusing and like you don't feel anything at all either though, if that's what you were trying to say. I hope it eases for you. I'm struggling so much right now too. It feels pointless but yet I do things, I still work on projects I started, I hold off things I want to do, I don't know, there's so much going on. Maybe you need some time to yourself, to just sleep until you feel like you're not tired anymore, that's what I want to do right now, I don't really have a choice though because of events. I honestly wish I had the same habits I did as a while back to combat everything, I gave myself a schedule of when to shower because I wouldn't for weeks, I went on walks often and started collecting physical media to combat my doomscrolling and endless gaming. I don't know. I just want to be sure of my future. I'm sorry again. You can dm me if you want, although not sure how it works.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Feel you. You need an "early warning system" and defence. That's the best thing to help one avoid being used and tossed. Don't ignore or justify those early red-flags*. At most, when you see them build up, you can choose to talk to the person, but nothing more - just in a Goldilocks position, where you don't let them get close enough as to be able to use you. I have a couple of acquaintances that are like this.

Otherwise, just get away from them - you don't owe them anything.

* such as not showing true empathy (incl. sudden displays of indifference), being rude out of nothing, not repaying compliments, the feeling that you give them but they don't retribute, them wanting to hang out on their terms, when they feel like it, them not actively listening to you when you do actively listen to them when they speak, too much criticism of you coming from them, the feeling of emotional exhaustion after being with them, etc., etc.

I love this list. The challenge is autism and ADHD make reading ourselves and reading others very hard. It takes a lot of time before you realize you've been used. I can find other neurodivergent people somewhat annoying, but I also feel like they're the safest bet - to find a few other ND folks to spend time with because we are just not interested or capable of the red-flags.

 

[enjoytheride]

I love this list. The challenge is autism and ADHD make reading ourselves and reading others very hard. It takes a lot of time before you realize you've been used. I can find other neurodivergent people somewhat annoying, but I also feel like they're the safest bet - to find a few other ND folks to spend time with because we are just not interested or capable of the red-flags.

I totally agree. It took me ages to develop a somewhat good ability to spot potential abusers early on. Mind you I am 35 and perhaps only for a year or so I have had a better capacity to detect them and stop excusing them constantly, feeling bad for imagining that they are ill-intentioned, when it is the truth.

What personally helped me was to work with people - lots of them (e.g., teaching, customer support, etc.). This way you get the social experience of 5 years in 1 or 2 years. And that helps you tune your mind to potential abusers and their typical approaches, facial expressions, verbal expressions and behaviours. Then at some point you just say "F*ck you! I am not taking this anymore! You are definitely not playing by the same rules I am. And I can see you clearly.". Then you start prioritizing yourself and your goals instead.

P.S.: Spending more time with ND people is definitely a good strategy to avoid abusers. People who are more like us - focused on stuff, not on people (in a bad way). Focused on life, understanding it's complexities and beauty, not on destroying it and on putting others down (competing).

 

[usernamesarehard]

as a kid i was a "social butterfly"

around highschool i became horribly socially awkward and anxious.

my mother would lament on how I changed.

i hated being socially awkward. i've since fought against it. i like talking to people. it's fun.

when im talking to a person everything is fine. im occupied. im focused. but once it's over. it's over. i crash, i don't desire to do anything. i have the time to Overthink and Analyse. it sucks

i feel like everyone hates me. and whatever i do doesnt help. no matter how much 'it doesnt matter anyways' and 'im thinking irrationally' mantras i repeat to myself, it doesnt stop.

my go to response is always to Hate Them Back. whatever. it's worked for me until now, that must mean it's a fine response, right?

think that someone has a problem with you? have you considered viscerally hating them in retaliation?

it doesnt matter that people tell you otherwise. they're lying when they say that. they fucking hate your guts.

have you considered that not every positive thing people say is a lie?

have you considered that people lie to make others feel better in the moment?

have you considered killing yourself in front of me right now?

see the problem is i'm starting to hate where i live, who i work for, what im doing, who i am. all in retaliation because i dont even know who i am anymore, really. and i dont know what to do.

all i want from life is to feel content.

not happy, really. it means something different to me. i want to be content with what i do. just a mellow appreciation for what i have and do.

this is all too hard, too much. i wish i felt the crushing need to kill myself again. instead of this inactive want. i just want it all to Stop. but i don't have the drive i used to


i wish i had killed myself back then

i wish i could just interact with people, live my life, be me without constantly overhinking

i wish i wasnt so good at "handling" my feelings

i wish i wasnt so good at hiding it all

fuck, dude. all of this for what? i don't even know

I see a lot of myself and my experiences in this post. I used to be a social butterfly as a kid, but as time wore on and I realized that I'm just incapable of making friends, I've become more reserved. I'm good at talking to people I know, but talking to new people is hard. I don't bother making the effort.

see the problem is i'm starting to hate where i live, who i work for, what im doing, who i am. all in retaliation because i dont even know who i am anymore, really. and i dont know what to do.

all i want from life is to feel content.

not happy, really. it means something different to me. i want to be content with what i do. just a mellow appreciation for what i have and do.

I started to feel this way once I stopped having hobbies and depression really kicked in. I have nothing to talk about, nothing to relate to other people with. I'm an empty shell of a person, I don't really know who I am, what I stand for (if anything), what I want. I just exist. I watch tv and read, but forget everything because of my terrible memory. I scroll through reddit, nothing to talk about there.

this is all too hard, too much. i wish i felt the crushing need to kill myself again. instead of this inactive want. i just want it all to Stop. but i don't have the drive i used to



i wish i had killed myself back then

i wish i could just interact with people, live my life, be me without constantly overhinking

i wish i wasnt so good at "handling" my feelings

i wish i wasnt so good at hiding it all

I have no SI atp, I'm just waiting to ctb as an obligatory thing.

fuck, dude. all of this for what? i don't even know

I ask myself this every day. I always have the same answer you do. I don't know.

 

[5_5]

me too. ive become a people pleaser. completely transformed myself to please others. idk who i am anymore all i do is perform

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

me too. ive become a people pleaser. completely transformed myself to please others. idk who i am anymore all i do is perform

Relateable. It's made me reluctant to engage with anyone, really - my default is to fawn rather than fight/flight/freeze because of both trauma and neurodivergence. you don't know who is safe, and even the people you once thought were safe aren't. I'm incredibly lonely but can't risk getting hurt by anyone. I hope to find some work so I get enough interactions with people to keep a roof over my head, but after a day of interacting with people I feel broken.

This isn't a life any more

 

[huifu]

I don't know if I should be relieved for not being the only one feeling like this, or sorry that more people are going through the same, it's so tiring.

I used to be happy when I socialized, I used to love talking to other people and watching them being happy talking about what they love. Now I'm just too anxious. Am I cynical? Fake? Hypocrite? Attention seeker? Multiple faced? A liar? I'm scared I'll lose people for not being honest all the time, for masking so much, but at the same time I'm scared of being unlovable again if I stop masking.

I'm like an hermit now and it has been peaceful, I kinda miss socializing with new people but the anxiety and the constantly feeling of being tired is not there anymore (at least not too much).