Scared of Wasting Time

[KafkaF]

So... here's the thing. Most of the time I want to CTB And right now I'm actively living like I'm going to CTB. I've basically stopped doing anything productive or anything that can improve my life. I've basically mostly spent the last almost two months trying to come to terms with ending things.

That being said, there are rare moments where I either don't want to CTB or I'm afraid that I won't be ABLE to CTB. And in those moments I get very afraid of something else.

You see... I've recently turned 30. And I have not yet achieved anything. Right now, I'm single, have little money, living at home and am jobless.

That being said, at the same time this is theoretically an opportunity. Right now my parents are supporting me still and I don't have a job or school. This means that I have MOUNTAINS of free time right now. If I stay alive, I want more than anything to become a writer and/or do literary analysis either in articles or on Youtube.

I COULD be spending all of the free time I have right now trying to write short stories, finish my first novel, writing articles, making Youtube videos, etc. But I'm not. I'm not because I'm so depressed that I can barely get out of bed most days. And I'm not because a large part of me thinks at most times that it doesn't matter because I'm going to CTB anyway.

But then I think... what if I either no longer want to kill myself at some point or I just can't work up the nerve and I spend this year doing nothing again? And what if at that point it's too late and I have no choice but to work some menial job for the rest of my life that I hate and never get to become a writer. What then?

And that thought scares me perhaps more than anything.

So, yeah, I'm not sure how to deal with this. It's like I stay stuck in the middle. On the one hand, I can't live. I can't recover or improve. And I feel like if I want to get better, I'm wasting so much valuable time. On the other hand, I can't seem to finally end it either.

And, yeah, I'm not sure what to do anymore.

 

[carac]

I wouldn't worry too much about achieving stuff, in the end it's all for nothing, you can't take it all with you. Maybe you can leave a little legacy behind when your gone but still you won't know anything about it. I'm 46 and in a similar position to yourself, you just have to take what you have and work with it.

 

[KafkaF]

I wouldn't worry too much about achieving stuff, in the end it's all for nothing, you can't take it all with you. Maybe you can leave a little legacy behind when your gone but still you won't know anything about it. I'm 46 and in a similar position to yourself, you just have to take what you have and work with it.

I don't really agree with that mindset at all, tbh. So this doesn't work for me.

 

[Kundalini Guy]

How much time I wasted was the main reason I was so suicidal earlier this year. I overcome after realizing there's so much to life and people have different experiences and lives so don't care compare yourself to other. Some have experienced suffering in just 20 years than some will in their whole lives.

 

[KafkaF]

How much time I wasted was the main reason I was so suicidal earlier this year. I overcome after realizing there's so much to life and people have different experiences and lives so don't care compare yourself to other. Some have experienced suffering in just 20 years than some will in their whole lives.

I think I do agree with your mindset. You shouldn't compare yourself to others and everyone moves at their own pace. As hard as that can be for me to accept, I do agree this is true and a good mindset.

However, that wasn't really my main concern. The thing is... right now I have a once in a lifetime opportunity. For right now I don't have to make money to support myself and I still live at home so I have all the free time I could possibly want. But that probably won't last forever. I don't know how much longer it will last. And that scares me. Because this may be my last chance to actually fulfill my dreams.

If I CTB soon, I'm fine with that. If I manage to get it together and become a professional writer, I'm happy with that. But if I can't CTB and I also can't recover and/or become a professional writer... that would be a fate worse than death.

 

[Kundalini Guy]

I think I do agree with your mindset. You shouldn't compare yourself to others and everyone moves at their own pace. As hard as that can be for me to accept, I do agree this is true and a good mindset.

However, that wasn't really my main concern. The thing is... right now I have a once in a lifetime opportunity. For right now I don't have to make money to support myself and I still live at home so I have all the free time I could possibly want. But that probably won't last forever. I don't know how much longer it will last. And that scares me. Because this may be my last chance to actually fulfill my dreams.

If I CTB soon, I'm fine with that. If I manage to get it together and become a professional writer, I'm happy with that. But if I can't CTB and I also can't recover and/or become a professional writer... that would be a fate worse than death.

That's harsh. So you are afraid this type of lifestyle wont last? I get that all the time, its also one of the main reasons I was suicidal. My biggest fear was becoming home but the best advice I can give is just try to save up emergency money and use it to help yourself out in the future. In extreme cases if you believe this lifestyle won't last, make connections just in case you reach the stage where homelessness will be a problem you got backup.

 

[KafkaF]

That's harsh. So you are afraid this type of lifestyle wont last? I get that all the time, its also one of the main reasons I was suicidal. My biggest fear was becoming home but the best advice I can give is just try to save up emergency money and use it to help yourself out in the future. In extreme cases if you believe this lifestyle won't last, make connections just in case you reach the stage where homelessness will be a problem you got backup.

I don't have any way to save money... Like I said, I don't have a job... And my depression is too bad to get one. But even if I could get some menial job, that's exactly the situation I'm scared of so that wouldn't help...

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you get enjoyment/fulfilment still from writing? Being creative has been my crutch throughout life but- I need a reason to do it. I'm not great at just creating for me- so, I've usually needed to do it as part of an assessed course, a job or something like Etsy.

But- I find at the best times, I can just get lost in it. It's meditative for me. It brings me annoyance and dissatisfaction too of course but overall- if I'm reasonably ok with what I've done in the end, it does give me my purpose in life.

Really- in the grand scheme of things- unless we are genius level, it likely matters very little to many other people whether we create or not. There's usually someone else out there who will do it. But- it can make a difference to us.

Really- if you're not sure whether you're going to be here for a long time or not- I'd say- you may as well give it your best shot. Do what you can but be kind to yourself at the same time. You're still going to get off days/periods where you don't have any motivation to do it or- you hate everything you've done. That's just part of the course really. I think there's a difference though between saying to yourself- I need a bit of time off because I feel so low but then, I'm going to push myself to at least try and- I'm just going to give up all together.