BrontesA
Katabasis
- Jul 16, 2026
- 12
This one is a 'feeling sorry for myself'. I just wanted to leave these words in some void, I wanted to tell someone all day, but I didn't.
I had the usual day of waking up, being too frustrated to speak for the first hours of the morning at work, and then I went on lunch. As I was driving, I locked eyed for a split second with a girl driving on the opposite lane. It was my ex, and I hadn't laid eyes on her for over a year or so since I broke up with her. Breaking up with her was probably the worst mistake I've made in my life, and I am deeply ashamed of giving up on her, but it's done. I guarantee you she won't have me back, besides she already found someone else. She didn't deserve the way I handled things, and I don't know how I can be at peace with this fact. The sight of her (she gorgeous, still) was enough to remind me of all this,
My point is, instantly after seeing her, I went numb. It was a sort of numb I hadn't felt in a while; my limbs went cold and I felt a fuzz or static in my head and I felt a very real risk of crashing while going 20 through a town. I haven't been able to get her out of my head since, though it's only been a few hours. All the embarrassment and shame rushed in all at once and a relatively regular day of mid-grade everyday depression turned into half-catatonic at the office desk for the next six hours. Some dumb or genuinely schizo'd part of my mind was expecting a text from her 'any second now'. Then I got the urge to text her, but I knew I'd just make a fool of myself and she'd tell me to get lost (or at least, that would be the path of least resistance, second to committing to no action at all). All in all, it made me want to die more. Moreso as punishment now, than anything else.
I deeply want to feel her love again. Not love in general, or the love of some other woman. Her. I know I did everything to strip myself of the privilege to deserve it. I still want it.
As stupid as it sounds, in retrospect, the encounter made me feel a little more human... as if I actually once again had vibrancy and color in my life because these memories flooded me. Don't get me wrong, still miserable and dumb here, and I expect nothing but insults or judging silence should I ever meet her face-to-face. But ultimately, I remember her well, I wish her well, and I regret every wrong I have done by her.
Part of me wonders if I can find you here. I know, you wanted to leave too.
"I have lived a life of much shame..." was the first thing I spoke to myself after regaining some sort of consciousness. Somebody please tell me I am being childish.
I had the usual day of waking up, being too frustrated to speak for the first hours of the morning at work, and then I went on lunch. As I was driving, I locked eyed for a split second with a girl driving on the opposite lane. It was my ex, and I hadn't laid eyes on her for over a year or so since I broke up with her. Breaking up with her was probably the worst mistake I've made in my life, and I am deeply ashamed of giving up on her, but it's done. I guarantee you she won't have me back, besides she already found someone else. She didn't deserve the way I handled things, and I don't know how I can be at peace with this fact. The sight of her (she gorgeous, still) was enough to remind me of all this,
My point is, instantly after seeing her, I went numb. It was a sort of numb I hadn't felt in a while; my limbs went cold and I felt a fuzz or static in my head and I felt a very real risk of crashing while going 20 through a town. I haven't been able to get her out of my head since, though it's only been a few hours. All the embarrassment and shame rushed in all at once and a relatively regular day of mid-grade everyday depression turned into half-catatonic at the office desk for the next six hours. Some dumb or genuinely schizo'd part of my mind was expecting a text from her 'any second now'. Then I got the urge to text her, but I knew I'd just make a fool of myself and she'd tell me to get lost (or at least, that would be the path of least resistance, second to committing to no action at all). All in all, it made me want to die more. Moreso as punishment now, than anything else.
I deeply want to feel her love again. Not love in general, or the love of some other woman. Her. I know I did everything to strip myself of the privilege to deserve it. I still want it.
As stupid as it sounds, in retrospect, the encounter made me feel a little more human... as if I actually once again had vibrancy and color in my life because these memories flooded me. Don't get me wrong, still miserable and dumb here, and I expect nothing but insults or judging silence should I ever meet her face-to-face. But ultimately, I remember her well, I wish her well, and I regret every wrong I have done by her.
Part of me wonders if I can find you here. I know, you wanted to leave too.
"I have lived a life of much shame..." was the first thing I spoke to myself after regaining some sort of consciousness. Somebody please tell me I am being childish.
