Venting revenge

[ecmnesia]

growing up you come to realize the world is not black and white, but painted in multiple shades of grey.

as a kid and teenager the hate I felt towards my parents was unbearable. unfortunately, or fortunately (honestly I am not sure which), with time I came to understand a little bit about their behavior, although I did not forgave them, I started to somehow empathize with them, even after all they have done. i guess I started to see them as humans beings too, instead of my personal prison wardens.

that made things harder for me. and constantly I find myself wishing to reclaim that blinded hate, aching for vengeance. it was easier just to hate. and I miss it. cause now, i not only feel bad for myself, but also for them. how can point a finger at them? they were abusive, but were also abused.... i don't know what to think. they were the adults, they should have known better, but they were hurt too. they don't even acknowledge the things they've done as evil.... that confuses me.

i guess cbt will somehow grant me some sort of vengeance against them. against the world. i want them to feel bad for what they've done and simultaneously I don't. i want to disconnect myself from their feelings. i want to not care. i don't want to think about them. i want my cbt to make them feel bad, but I don't want to recognize this. weird... isn't it?

why does it feel like cbt will finally give me the freedom I've been longing for? it seems that death is the only way for me to free myself from these chains.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

We're all abused by this shit called life. Some of us more than others of course. Don't waste your energy feeling bad for yourself or hating others. These emotions are pointless and will ultimately give you no satisfaction in the end.

Your death will provide no vengeance even if you point fingers at others for the cause of it. Just do you, and fuck what everyone else thinks.

 

[OminousVaL]

I have had a very similar thought process many times before but I reached the conclusion that its best I make this choice for myself entirely and not to make an impact on others.

 

[Meditation guide]

I don't want revenge. I don't want to be in that kind of mindset nor that group that wants revenge. I dislike the idea of it. People who hurt me have problems. If I were to think of getting revenge then I would be taking their problems onto myself in a sense. I don't want to be anything like them.

 

[stygal]

Thats exactly the way I've been thinking about my father lately...all the things he did to me stem from not having a good childhood either. And since we are not in contact anymore - haven't been for many years - I started to hate him less and less and slowly detached myself from this hurtful past.
As a teenager I thought I should ctb primary as a act of vengeance...but now
I think - just like Brick in the Wall said: It'd be a waste of energy. Ultimately you are the most important person in your life and your ctb should just give yourself some sort of mental "peace".

 

[Ghost2211]

Unfortunately if those people didn't care while we are alive they will not care when we are dead. It's fun to think that you make them a fraction of the suffering they caused us for years, but in reality they won't care at all or they will use it to gain pity for themself. Your life and death should be about you, and having anger toward them just gives them even more power. The best thing you can do for you is to stop caring about them and how they feel about it and how they will react, and make it about and your process.

 

[Gnip]

My father foolishly made it easier for me by emphasizing that he was NOT abused in any way, something which was confirmed to me by those who knew him when he was growing up.

Some people are simply rotten. I've also known nice people who were abused and vicious people who were abused. Sometimes, making excuses for abusers is not appropriate and should not be allowed.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It's so complicated.

My parents were abused, and yet they either repress it or reframe it. Because of that, they can't face that they abused me. If they do, then I think they have to face their own histories, but they would have to step off of their foundations of denial. I know they developed those foundations for emotional safety and survival, and I have compassion for that, but at some point one has to face things or double down on their maladaptive, abusive ways of managing. My parents double down, and hate me more and more for not going along with the stories of denial, not making those stories stronger.

I can have compassion for my parents, but I also had to recognize that they refuse to change, are not motivated to change, and will not change. I had to recognize that they are unsafe for me and stay the hell away from them.

There is a point when one has a choice to cross a line. Once they do, it's really hard to admit fault. The tendency is to keep trying to find ways to justify crossing that line, which means someone or something else will be blamed, often the victim. It is really hard to come out of that and takes internal fortitude and backbone to manage it.

Likewise, it takes internal fortitude and backbone to recognize and accept abusing caregivers exactly as they are; to recognize the ways in which one also had to believe certain stories to survive and be protected and come out of that; and to recognize any fleas they have which may cause them to unthinkingly act in harmful ways toward others, and seek to change that when they didn't have a foundation given to them to do so. Now the foundation comes from one's own moral compass, and maybe with other support such as books, friends, a group -- anything that can help one connect with their accountability and not feel destroyed by what they didn't know and would have done differently if they could. It's now a matter of, once knowing better, striving to do better, and keep moving forward; I think that serves the world much better than self-annihilation for not being able to undo things that have already been done. I certainly wouldn't want my parents to wake up to their shit and kill themselves over it, I only ever wanted them to be safer, to be safe to be close to, to be someone I could trust to share my heart, my thoughts, my life. They almost certainly won't ever be, they're so entrenched, but instead of being codependent and focused on them, I can give that compassionate support and hope to myself. It's really hard to face some things about myself, but so far it hasn't killed me to do so, and I am refined and forged by the fire of facing them -- I have self-respect, I have self-worth.

I don't know if any of this served you in any way. I heard what you were saying and related very much. If there's nothing that serves, still sending compassion and a heartfelt hug if you'd like it, no worried if you don't.

 

[Deleted member 25174]

During a very dark period I wrote post it notes blaming my children's father and wrote notes to the kids blaming him for everything. I also (out of spite) blamed my little sister for a lot and wrote out full funeral plans and the people I hated. I wrote all over my oak table in red sharpie the most disgusting suicide note imaginable about those 2 people. The only one who saw it was my little sister.....the whole place was filled with the nasty Post it notes and she saw..........I don't know why I blamed her and I don't know how she forgave me. It was nasty and spiteful and it took me a very long time to come to terms with doing it. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself because it was spite not reality that drove me to do that