This is hard.. really hard. Everything about this is difficult. Like me you spent every waking moment on this site because you had nothing else in your life. We were both heartbroken introverted men in our mid thirties missing our families who wanted badly to connect with someone here but found the chat to be too high energy and somehow more depressing. You were the first person to private message me on SS trying to console me on the death of my daughter and the heartbreak from my fiance that came days before. Even though you had your own problems and were in agony wanting to CTB... you sent four messages for my every one. And were understanding that I was too traumatized to barely hold a conversation so you said you would push it forward and there was a message waiting for me every morning until there wasn't. It felt like russian roulette because we both said we were ready to go and I knew where you were at with your process with SN. But everyday you'd say today is the day and then the next would come and something like a headache or an upset stomach gave you pause.
When your last message to me was a formal goodbye I knew you were never coming back. What I didn't know is that I would keep checking my messages everyday and keep checking your profile to see if you were active. I didn't even know your fuckin' name but I mourn you. Because you weren't what was wrong with the world you were one of the good ones. I was so focused on planning my own CTB I didn't stop to appreciate that this guy across the ocean was suffering badly enough to end it but just wanted to make sure I made it through the day. It got so much harder after you went and I'm conflicted because I'm glad you found peace but have a deep selfish need to hear from you again. I'm ready to go in a few days now and I have this increasing need to pour my heart out on the forum as I prepare. Thank you for being there and thank you for leading the way because now I know someone I trusted has succeeded with SN and I don't have to worry about the hearsay anymore.
When your last message to me was a formal goodbye I knew you were never coming back. What I didn't know is that I would keep checking my messages everyday and keep checking your profile to see if you were active. I didn't even know your fuckin' name but I mourn you. Because you weren't what was wrong with the world you were one of the good ones. I was so focused on planning my own CTB I didn't stop to appreciate that this guy across the ocean was suffering badly enough to end it but just wanted to make sure I made it through the day. It got so much harder after you went and I'm conflicted because I'm glad you found peace but have a deep selfish need to hear from you again. I'm ready to go in a few days now and I have this increasing need to pour my heart out on the forum as I prepare. Thank you for being there and thank you for leading the way because now I know someone I trusted has succeeded with SN and I don't have to worry about the hearsay anymore.
