Venting Feeling at peace

[Szarur-abi]

So basically i've been struggling with depression and anxiety for like six years, and it got barely better since this time. And since going to University i also obtained social phobia which is kinda tought, i sometimes literally close myself in toilet at university and starts crying from all stress, or randomly crying in train when returning to home.

My life situation isnt that bad, honestly it could be worse, reading what people is throught on this forum, i really think im not in that bad spot comparably but recently my girlfriend (I mean, kind of cause we broke up half a year ago, but we went into deal that was supposed to be like, FWB and its okay. But it wasnt FWB, we went on dates, we were holding hands in public, we were kissing in public, we were buying gifts and she told me that she would like to move out together she even called me 'Lover' (Kochanie in polish, it means someone who you love, not someone you have sex with, just to be clear) multiple times so by all means it looked and felt like normal relationship so i falled in love with her) broke up with me for another guy and, we had vacation planned that i planned for both of us and it was too late to cancel them so i could lose money or go with her, and i went with her it wasnt that bad but it left me some memories that i wouldnt like to exists in the first place. during vacation she stated multiple times that she would like to be here with her boyfriend, and she called him every day so i could listen to every word they spoke cause she put him on speaker. When we returned she told me how amazing sex they had, and that i was as a 'log' in bed.

also this happened in the worst possible time when i have my graduating work for studies and tons of stuff to learn... I just cant focus on anything beside thinking about her and painfull experience i got from her

after this she still wants to be friends, and dont think anything bad happened at all.

Its obviously not the only reasons why i dont like living in this world, there is much more, im failing studies, im pretty much talentless, im socially awkard and have trouble talking to people, im mostly staying in bed doing nothing, i dont have any perspectives on life. Honestly, i dont think its that bad so im sorry if it isnt enough to be venting about.


But recently i bought sodium nitrite (Living in Poland so it was really easy to obtain) and i mixed it with 100 ml water and 20 grams of sodium nitrite and i feel like, peaceful. I can leave anytime i want, anywhere i want. And im not planning CBT it just feels nice to have an actual option for leaving this world

 

[Deleted member 65988]

after this she still wants to be friends, and dont think anything bad happened at all.

Hell no, after the fact that she embarrassed you that way? not only was what she did incredibly disrespectful but also hurtful toward you and it doesn't seem like she even had remorse and still wants to be friends? THAT is not a friend, that is someone you should place a great amount of distance between yourself and her.

 

[Seele]

wtf bro, how can you think this is normal? delete this woman from everything, she is obviously sadistic

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Spare yourself the pain of interacting with that piece of garbage.

 

[rozeske]

You should stay as far away from her and the toxic "friendship" as possible. Don't take it personal, some people just have a way of sucking the life out of you until you have nothing left to give anymore. Wake up and snap out of the spell she's got you trapped in.

 

[Szarur-abi]

Thanks, i've cut all my contact from her and right now i will try not to fail at Uni and work on my mental health when its done.

And i wish you luck, whatever you people go throught