ceasellthepain
New Member
- Nov 10, 2025
- 4
ive talked about getting better in 2026 before, ive tried to do it so many times yet somehow whenever i try to do things that actually make me want to have some respect for myself its like the universe gives me a big ass "No, Not allowed" and something happens that just completely shatters my progress in getting better.
since my last attempt on new years ive told myself i wanna start working on my mental health so as to prevent any other attempts. sure i havent attempted ever since, but the thought of going away for good has truly been on my mind since then.
but now, ive never wanted to do it more than before. im genuinely so tired. whats the point of continuing when it seems that you arent even allowed to get better? its genuinely just proving that i AM supposed to die at a young age. that i AM supposed to be the one responsible for my own death. i know many people in my life want me to die because of how much of a nuisance and a 'disadvantage' i am to them but its quite tiring waiting for one of them to just end my life themselves,,, or atleast one of my wishes to have me getting a lethal medication but only god knows when that'll actually happen.
and then ive gone back to cutting despite almost 1 month of being sober from it. it makes everything even worse, i feel dirty as well.
i dont know if i wanna try anymore. i just wanna die already. i shouldnt have resisted on my last attempt.
i might try to ctb again. but i dont even have the energy nor courage to do it anymore, im just hoping that if i do choose to do that, i hope it ends in success and obviously, peace. which is honestly everything ive ever wanted since ive been alive.
i dont even know what im talking about anymore i just wanna go away already
since my last attempt on new years ive told myself i wanna start working on my mental health so as to prevent any other attempts. sure i havent attempted ever since, but the thought of going away for good has truly been on my mind since then.
but now, ive never wanted to do it more than before. im genuinely so tired. whats the point of continuing when it seems that you arent even allowed to get better? its genuinely just proving that i AM supposed to die at a young age. that i AM supposed to be the one responsible for my own death. i know many people in my life want me to die because of how much of a nuisance and a 'disadvantage' i am to them but its quite tiring waiting for one of them to just end my life themselves,,, or atleast one of my wishes to have me getting a lethal medication but only god knows when that'll actually happen.
and then ive gone back to cutting despite almost 1 month of being sober from it. it makes everything even worse, i feel dirty as well.
i dont know if i wanna try anymore. i just wanna die already. i shouldnt have resisted on my last attempt.
i might try to ctb again. but i dont even have the energy nor courage to do it anymore, im just hoping that if i do choose to do that, i hope it ends in success and obviously, peace. which is honestly everything ive ever wanted since ive been alive.
i dont even know what im talking about anymore i just wanna go away already
